The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson

Art Fern:
How do you get there? Let me tell you friends, how do you get there! You take the San Diego Freeway to the Ventura Freeway. You drive to the Slauson Cutoff, get out of your car, cut off your Slauson, get back in your car, then you drive six miles till you see the Giant Neon Vice-Squad Cop.

[the night before the last show]

Johnny Carson:
Okay, all we have is tonight and tomorrow and then that's it. Boy, I haven't used that phrase since World War II.

Art Fern:
Hello there, feature-film freaks! Art Fern here, with today's fabulous feature find.

Art Fern:
Got no job? We don't care. Got a bad credit rating? We don't care. Got a prison record? We don't care. Don't expect to pay us? THAT'S when we care!

Art Fern:
Now back to our feature film! Woody Harrelson, Woody Allen, Woody Woodpecker, Woody Herman, Herman Munster, and Dumpo the Wonder Pigeon, in "Heidi Suffers an Estrogen Avalanche."

George Gobel:
Did you ever get the feeling that the world is a tuxedo and you're a pair of brown shoes.

Aunt Blabby:
You know, I've been depressed lately.

Ed McMahon:
Depressed?

Aunt Blabby:
[Long pause] Yes, depressed! Why do you repeat everything? I can go to Taco Bell for that!

[from his last show - May 22, 1992]

Johnny Carson:
I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

[from his last show - May 22, 1992]

[referring to his family in the audience and the death of Rick, his other son, in a car crash]

Johnny Carson:
It would have been a perfect evening if their brother Rick had been here with us, but I guess life does what it's supposed to do and you accept it and go on.

[from his last show - May 22, 1992]

[referring to remarks made that week by Vice President Dan Quayle, about single mothers and the TV show "Murphy Brown"]

Johnny Carson:
I really want to thank him for making my final week so fruitful.

[from his last show - May 22, 1992]

Johnny Carson:
And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

[last lines of show]

Johnny Carson:
You people watching, I can only tell you that it's been an honor and a privilege coming into your homes all these years to entertain you. And I hope when I find something I want to do and think you would like, I can come back and [you will be] as gracious in inviting me into your homes as you have been.

[last lines from his last show - May 22, 1992]

Johnny Carson:
I bid you a very heartfelt good night.

[from his "What Democracy Means To Me" monologue - September 11, 1991]

Johnny Carson:
To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Karnack:
[Holding the envelope to his head] Shogun.

Ed McMahon:
Shogun.

Karnack:
[Opening envelope] What's the first thing you do when you hold up a liquor store?

[Ed Ames has thrown a tomahawk across the stage, hitting a painting of a cowboy straight in the "crotch". The entire studio erupts in hysterical laughter]

Johnny Carson:
I didn't even know you were Jewish!

[uproarious laughter continues]

[Ed is laughing to himself]

Karnack:
[annoyed] Karnack is attempting to divine an answer and you're sitting here, giggling. May I have silence, please?

Ed McMahon:
Of course. You've had it many times before.

[repeated line]

Johnny Carson:
[when guests talk too much] Exactly what time did I lose control of this show?

Red Buttons:
[Red Buttons at Cleopatra premiere] I was in The Longest Day and now I'm in the Longest Night.

Himself - Host:
[Opening Monologue] I know you're in a good mood because it's New Year's Eve. I peeked out through the curtain before I came out here a few minutes ago and I saw a man swinging one of those noisemakers. Then I looked a little closer and he had his wife's dentures on a swizzle stick.

Himself - Host:
[New Year's Eve monologue] In another 27 minutes my Playboy calendar is shot.

Woody Allen:
Two years ago on New Year's Even I was pleasantly high and I went home and jumped naked into a vat of cold Roosevelt dimes.

Woody Allen:
I went to an interfaith camp where I was sadistically beaten by boys of all races and creeds.

Woody Allen:
I'm on the subway and these twelve hoods are on the train. Apparently they'd just come from a settlement house because they were dribbling a social worker through the cars.

Himself - Host:
[after being introduced by New York Mayor John Lindsay] Thank you, Mayor. It's nice to know you can be funny even when you're not running the city.

Jane:
Tarzan! You're late!

Tarzan:
Not Tarzan's fault! Vine controllers' strike!

Tarzan:
Tarzan get that from witch doctor! It called... "Say this some plant."

Jane:
Say this some plant?

Jane:
[Tarzan plucks plant and sniffs it] Say! This some bad weed! Tarzan smoke no vine before its time!

Jane:
I have an announcement to make. Boy! Cheetah! Boy! [Boy and Cheetah walk onstage; Boy wears a leopard skin - and polished black shoes and gartered socks] .

Tarzan:
Boy never felt at home in jungle!

Jane:
I'm leaving you and getting a divorce.

Tarzan:
Woman stay with man! That law of jungle!

Jane:
You may have a law of the jungle, but I have a LAWYER of the jungle. [Lawyer enters, gives Tarzan his card] I'm taking the treehouse and Boy... and you can have that stupid-looking monkey you spend so much time with. See you in court!... Shrimp-vine!

Tarzan:
Tarzan know you make whoopie with Marlin Perkins!

Jane:
It was only one night in his tent... while Jim worked his way down the river.

Tarzan:
Tarzan know better! You known as... Easy Country Safari!

Tarzan:
And all I get is Cheetah. Tarzan may be dumb... but he not that dumb! [helps Cheetah out of ape costume - revealing a cornrowed blonde Bo Derek lookalike]

Tarzan:
Tarzan learn this next take from Benny Hill! [leers]

Tarzan:
We go spend several days in bush together!

Jane:
So how is it that whenever you take a shower under the waterfall, the hyenas always laugh at you?

Tarzan:
So what? Hyenas always laugh.

Jane:
Well yes, but they don't usually POINT!

Ellen DeGeneres:
I'm getting older, I'm 27. People say 'You don't look 27, you look like you're about 23'. I'm lucky, that runs in my family. My grandmother is 97, she looks about 93. Have a little nephew who's 4, he doesn't even look born yet, tiny embryo thing.

Ellen DeGeneres:
That whole fitness thing runs in my family, my grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60, she's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. I'm kidding, we know where she is, she's in prison.

Ellen DeGeneres:
I kid a lot because I'm a comedian. People ask me 'were you funny as a child?', no, I was an accountant.

Ellen DeGeneres:
My dad, when I was about 4-5 years old, he walks up to me one day before Christmas and says 'Ellen, what would you like for Christmas?' I said 'Gosh Dad, I'd like a little dolly'. Christmas Day he wheels in this tremendous heavy metal thing. 'No, Dad, that's not what I wanted'. You ever try dressing one of those things?

Ellen DeGeneres:
We had fire drills around the house so incase of a fire we all had a special duty: my father grabbed the pets, my mother grabbed the jewelry, my brother ran to get help, they told me to try to save the washer and dryer.

Ellen DeGeneres:
I used to wander around the woods when I was a kid, because my parents would put me there. And I'd find petrified wood and I'd think 'what could've scared these trees so badly?' Maybe a dinosaur lifting his leg.

Ellen DeGeneres:
Fleas do nothing at all beneficial, I always thought at times like this when we can't figure out things for ourselves, wouldn't it be great if we could just pick up the phone and call up God and ask Him these things?

Ellen DeGeneres:
[mimicking being on the phone with God] Hi God, this is Ellen, Degeneres, Degeneres, what's so funny? No I never thought about that, it does sound like that, doesn't it? I get it.

Ellen DeGeneres:
[mimicking being on the phone with God] Listen, there are just certain things on this earth, I don't understand why they're here. No, not Charo, but there are certain things, like, insects. No bees are great, the honey, that's clever. I was thinking more like fleas, they seem to have no benefit... no I didn't realize how many people were employed by the flea collar industry, not to mention sprays. Yeah I guess You're right, of course You are!

Ellen DeGeneres:
[mimicking being on the phone with God] You've got a joke for me? I'd love to hear it. No I got time, of course You knew that more than me, huh? That was a joke. Go ahead. Who's there? God who? Godzilla! Wow, incredibly funny, yeah and another one sure. Who's there? God who? Goddadime. Whoa! No I don't have time for another one, I just remembered an appointment so I gotta go. How about that? God who, Goddago, cute? Stupid. It was good talking to You too, and I'll see, I'll talk to you later.

[last lines]

Himself - Host:
And so it has come to this: I, uh... am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it. I want to thank the people who've shared this stage with me for thirty years. Mr. Ed McMahon, Mr. Doc Severinsen, and you people watching. I can only tell you that it has been an honor and a privilege to come into your homes all these years and entertain you. And I hope when I find something that I want to do and I think you would like and come back, that you'll be as gracious in inviting me into your home as you have been. I bid you a very heartfelt good night.

Himself - Host:
You were actually declared dead. This was in London, wasn't it?

Elizabeth Taylor:
I read my own obituaries, they were my best reviews.