The Toy

Jack Brown:
[Talking to stuffed animals] You know why there's a party downstairs? Do you fellas? Because it's goodbye for you guys. They're not gonna sell you anymore. They got a new toy to sell. It's called a Jack Brown. Me. The wind up a**hole. And I'm gonna take over all the stores of America next Christmas. All the kids will be hollering for me. They're not gonna want no teddy bears like you. No they won't and they won't want no sad pandas and no tigers or leopards or lions or dumb rabbits. The kids will want a Jack Brown Wind Up. "Mommy I want a Jack Brown Wind-up! Susie has one that can play basketball! And Otto has one that can drive a Cadillac, and he's real cute too and I wanna pinch his nose!" I've sold out to Moorehouse, you know. My life is over. I'm gonna wind up in this room with all you toys for the rest of my life.

Jack Brown:
Do you have a license to drive a car down the steps?

Jack Brown:
Angela! Jesus H. Christ!

Eric Bates:
Is that her full name?

Jack Brown:
Come back here, the game's not over.

Eric Bates:
I don't feel like playing anymore.

Jack Brown:
Are you upset because I was winning? You hate to lose?

Eric Bates:
I just don't wanna play anymore.

Jack Brown:
What if I tell your father?

Eric Bates:
He won't care.

Jack Brown:
Your father doesn't care that his son is a quitter?

Eric Bates:
He doesn't care what I am, so long as I stay out of his way.

Jack Brown:
I'm writing a book. Writing a book is a job.

Stanley:
No, writing a book is a copout.

U.S. Bates:
[Jack Brown is dressed as a waitress] You're pretty strong for a little lady and you have a lot of hair on your lip. We don't like our waitresses to have hairy lips. So I'll tell you what, shave. Oh, and after you shave, you're fired.

Eric Bates:
Hang on, I got the key.

Jack Brown:
You got the key? Why didn't you say so?

Eric Bates:
You didn't ask me.

Eric Bates:
What do you do with... your thing?

Jack Brown:
Is this a hypothetical question or is there a lady involved?

Jack Brown:
I gotta pull up my boots real high because the bullshit is getting thicker.

Morehouse:
No. No tomorrow. No next week. No next month. No next year.

Eric Bates:
I know what I want.

Morehouse:
He wants the Wonder Wheel, [he and other business men get into a huddle]

Eric Bates:
The black man!

Morehouse:
He wants one in black, so all we do is...

Eric Bates:
The black *man*!

Morehouse:
He wants the black man. Huh? Oh no. No. No tomorrow. No next week. No next month. No next year.

U.S. Bates:
For that kind of money, if Eric blows his nose, you wipe it.

Jack Brown:
C'Mon, Wizard, I'm gonna send you back to the land of Oz.

U.S. Bates:
Are you crazy?

Jack Brown:
Yes, but trust me!

Jack Brown:
Why me? Of all the stuff in the store, why did you pick me?

Eric Bates:
You made me laugh. I wanted a friend who made me laugh.

Jack Brown:
So of all the toys in the store you wanted a friend. If you want a friend, you don't buy a friend, Eric, you earn a friend through love and trust and respect.

Eric Bates:
Come see my train!

Jack Brown:
You're not listening to me, Eric, you don't order your friends around, you ask them.

Eric Bates:
Oh. You wanna come see my train, friend?

Jack Brown:
No. [They hug] [Happily] I'm gonna kill you.

Eric Bates:
I love you, Jack.

Jack Brown:
For 18 months I've been trying to get a job on your newspaper, but the only black people you hire do windows, mop floors and kiss ass. I don't like it, I've tried it.

U.S. Bates:
I only get Eric for a week each year.

Jack Brown:
Then you should get better lawyers, you shouldn't have to have him that long.

U.S. Bates:
It just so happens I love him.

Jack Brown:
Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn.

U.S. Bates:
I want Eric to understand that having money means never having to say you're sorry.

Jack Brown:
I think that's about all the kid understands.

Eric Bates:
Was I bad?

Jack Brown:
Were you bad? What you were gave a new meaning to the word 'bad'!

U.S. Bates:
The truth has nothing to do with reality. You have to deal with reality. In reality, any one of these people, with a little persuasion, will say what I want them to say, because I am reality.

Jack Brown:
Two-seven.

U.S. Bates:
Two-five.

Jack Brown:
Three thousand dollars.

U.S. Bates:
I wonder if Eric knows what kind of a bastard he's getting.

U.S. Bates:
Eric bought a black man.

Fancy Bates:
I wasn't aware that we sold them.

Personnel Director:
We're looking for a part-time woman.

Jack Brown:
I can be a part-time woman.

Barkley:
I'm clean, but that's more than the floor is. You know what is on that floor?

Jack Brown:
What?

Barkley:
Your dinner.

Senator Newcomb:
These democrats don't normally support us.

U.S. Bates:
Now, Senator, we agreed to keep that under our hats. If they knew this was a fund raiser, we'd be all alone.

Jack Brown:
What do you think, Mr. O'Brien?

O'Brien:
Forget you know me.

O'Brien:
Why is it always my toy department? Why can't the kid grow up and get interested in stereos?

Morehouse:
I'm hoping to get him interested in something we don't even sell.

O'Brien:
We sell everything.

O'Brien:
Tim O'Brien, toys.

Jack Brown:
Jack Brown, windows.

Eugene Russel:
Up yours, you mother.

Fr?ulein:
I'm gonna tell your father!

Jack Brown:
Does everybody around here say that?

Eric Bates:
Yeah.

Jack Brown:
Well I'm not gonna say it anymore.

O'Brien:
That's Fancy Bates.

Jack Brown:
His daughter?

O'Brien:
His wife. Numero three.

Jack Brown:
You think she's ready?

O'Brien:
Ready for what?

Jack Brown:
The black experience. You ready?

Jack Brown:
It's that bad out there?

Morehouse:
[after U.S. Bates made him drop his pants in front of everybody] Worse.

U.S. Bates:
Fair-weather friend bastard.

U.S. Bates:
Take your pants down

Morehouse:
Sir?

U.S. Bates:
Take your pants down.

[Morehouse pulls his pants down]

U.S. Bates:
That's power.

Jack Brown:
Who are we gonna tell God? We are gonna say "Hey God! life's unfair!" You know what he's gonna say "Tough Titties!"

O'Brien:
Eric Bates will delighted to meet you! The gentleman would be too, his name is Jack Brown. Jack! Master Bates!

Jack Brown:
HA HA! MAST!

Fancy Bates:
Heaven forbid, you just tell him no, you ass.

U.S. Bates:
That's U.S., not you ass.