The Tunnel of Love

Isolde Poole:
[the Peppers have thrown a small anniversary party for Augie and Isolde] Darling, isn't it nice having neighbors like the Peppers?

August 'Augie' Poole:
Oh, yeah, they bring such *useful* presents...

August 'Augie' Poole:
[Holding up a bottle of cheap Champagne the Peppers have brought over] "Piper-Heidsieck: the Miller High Life of Champagne!"

Alice Pepper:
[to her husband] You know, I miss the kids. I know camp's the best place for them, but I miss them terribly, don't you?

Dick Pepper:
[Casually unconcerned] Not a damn bit!

Isolde Poole:
I bought a dress at Bonwits. A lovely watermelon shantung.

August 'Augie' Poole:
Fine. Now you've got something fit to wear into Saks.

August 'Augie' Poole:
Maybe I'd better get a regular job, and forget about art.

Isolde Poole:
Never! Never to my dying day will I let you settle for anything less than you want to be.

Isolde Poole:
If Van Gogh had been married to a woman like you, he'd still have both his ears.

August 'Augie' Poole:
But dear, we can't keep living on your grandmother's money... it's not that I'm too honorable, but it's running out.

August 'Augie' Poole:
[Rebuffing Dick's offer to hire him as a gag writer] I'm an artist, not a gag man.

Dick Pepper:
You're like that plant. You need more elbow room, more dirt. A bigger jardini?re. You'll never be an artist because you're denying yourself the emotional soil your roots need. You're pot-bound!

August 'Augie' Poole:
[Taken aback] "Pot-bound"? Why, you mixed up Luther Burbank! You just attacked me for being too normal! That's a perfect example of 'doublethink'!

Dick Pepper:
[Referring to his latest extramarital love interest] Ah, what a lovely thing. Just to look at her sends the blood coursing through my veins!

August 'Augie' Poole:
[Cynically] In contrast to the *usual* route it takes...

Dick Pepper:
You know, there's nothing as smug as a monogamous man.

Dick Pepper:
[Expressing indignation over the fact that adoption agencies conduct background checks on prospective parents and their co-signers] Investigated? You mean they might be sneaking behind our backs without our knowing it?

August 'Augie' Poole:
Sure. They'll assign a caseworker to us. A woman with her hair spun back in a bun, and a mouth like a mail slot. Typical 'American Gothic.' And leave us ask ourselves, what virtues she'll expect to find in the prospective parents and, uh, their co-signers. First, uh, stability, then solvency, next, uh, sobriety... and finally... chastity. [Dick starts to look very uncomfortable upon hearing this]

August 'Augie' Poole:
[Unsuccessfully chasing a mouse] Wish I was back in the village, where the rats come out and fight.

Estelle Novick:
I find most people drink to escape from something. What do you drink to escape from, Mr. Poole?

August 'Augie' Poole:
[Making silly face at her] The ravages of alcohol!

Estelle Novick:
What school did you go to, Mr. Poole?

August 'Augie' Poole:
Oh, I never went past high school.

Estelle Novick:
How did you get along there?

August 'Augie' Poole:
Terrible. Everybody hated me because I was so popular.

Estelle Novick:
How would you deal with a child who won't eat?

August 'Augie' Poole:
Send him to bed without any supper.

Estelle Novick:
And how would you compare the problem of raising children from one to five, with those from five to seven? Which do you think is the more important period?

August 'Augie' Poole:
[Somewhat tipsy, he whistles to himself for a few seconds while pondering her question] Five to seven.

Estelle Novick:
Why?

August 'Augie' Poole:
'Cause that's the cocktail hour! [laughs at his attempt at humor, while Ms. Novick remains unimpressed]

August 'Augie' Poole:
Are you out for a world record? Can't you pass up one dame?

Dick Pepper:
I have never yet gone after a woman unless she sent out a certain signal, like radar.

August 'Augie' Poole:
[Glumly] I didn't notice any signal.

Dick Pepper:
Your extrasensory perceptions have been dulled by years of disuse. She lit up like that sign over Madison Square Garden: "Wrestling Tonight"!

August 'Augie' Poole:
Now, according to your logic, if I chase around with another woman, then I'll have a child with my own wife?

Dick Pepper:
Well, I can't guarantee it, but what can you lose? You're not getting anywhere *your* way.

August 'Augie' Poole:
You know, Miss Novick, uh, it's hard to think of you as a man of science.

Estelle Novick:
I run into that all the time.

August 'Augie' Poole:
I'll bet.

Estelle Novick:
Last year I was with a team of anthropologists, and we made a study of sexual patterns in New Guinea.

August 'Augie' Poole:
Yeah, I guess there's a lot of that going on there, too.

August 'Augie' Poole:
I feel relaxed with you. Uh, "released," you know what I mean?

Estelle Novick:
Yes, I think I do. It's what the poets call "the shock of recognition."

August 'Augie' Poole:
[Reading from the Real Estate section of the newspaper] Hey, listen to this: "Westport. Lovely old colonial manse. Recently renovated. With lovely gristmill and pond situated behind house in sun-drenched sylvan glen." That must be Bill Paxton's dump with the swamp in back.

Dick Pepper:
[Sound of his kids loudly playing can be heard in the background] Pipe down you kids, or I'll send the pack of you to boarding school!

Alice Pepper:
It wouldn't hurt you to play with your kids once in a while.

Dick Pepper:
[Indifferently] We have nothing in common. They bore me. Being a parent is just feeding the mouth that bites you.

August 'Augie' Poole:
[Spotting Dick dancing with Gladys - a shapely young actress - at the party] I've seen that girl on television. She opens all those refrigerators.

Isolde Poole:
[With a bit of sarcasm] She sure is defrosting tonight.

August 'Augie' Poole:
[Handing Gladys her martini] Hope this is dry enough.

Gladys Dunne, actress:
[Taking a sip] What is this, a lethal weapon?

August 'Augie' Poole:
[Isolde has confronted him on the mysterious imbalance of 1000 dollars in their bank account] "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." Who was it said that?

Isolde Poole:
The cashier at the Westport Bank.

Dick Pepper:
You couldn't squeeze a thousand bucks out of me if you put me in a Waring mixer.

August 'Augie' Poole:
Give me your check and date it ahead.

August 'Augie' Poole:
If I gave you a check it would bounce from Westport to Port Arthur.

Dick Pepper:
Maybe it is best to come clean and tell her everything. Confession *is* good for the soul.

August 'Augie' Poole:
Only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff!

August 'Augie' Poole:
What happened to that free spirit I married?

Isolde Poole:
*You* happened to it!

August 'Augie' Poole:
[Last lines] Listen, honey, let's put this house on the market and move back to the city. The country's no place to bring up kids! Our kid's gonna' be born in Manhattan, in a normal, healthy atmosphere!