The Twelve Chairs

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
You're not worth spitting on!

Father Fyodor:
Oh yeah? Well, you are!

[spits]

Nikolai Sestrin:
I hate people I don't like.

Father Fyodor:
Oh, God! You're so strict!

Ostap Bender:
[after yet another failure] Remember the famous Russian proverb: "The hungrier you get, the tastier the meal." On the other hand, the French have a proverb: merde!

[Ostap Bender is kissing a young woman]

Young Woman:
Do you love me?

Ostap Bender:
Let's just say that I am very much in lust with you.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
I am cousin Kiev, from Vorobyaninov. All of the Michaels are dead.

Father Fyodor:
A memento of your lovely home! [to the family in Syberia, as he attempts to steal a chair, and they attempt to throw him out]

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
Why are you after my chair?

Father Fyodor:
It's not yours.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
Then whose is it?

Father Fyodor:
It's nationalized property. It belongs to the workers

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
Did you said the workers?

Father Fyodor:
Yes, the workers.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
Maybe the holy father is a member of the communist party.

Father Fyodor:
Maybe.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
But the party is for atheists. How can a priest join the party?

Father Fyodor:
The church must keep up with the times.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
[referring to Father Fyodor's being in drag and trying to steal one of the chairs] This is disgusting!

Tikon:
[remembering his former master Vorobyaninov] I loved him... he hardly ever beat us!

Tikon:
[to Ostap Bender] You're smart and you're gorgeous!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
[screaming at his dying mother-in-law for hiding her jewels in a chair] Heaven knows who may sit in that chair... *if* it's still a chair!

Ostap Bender:
Listen, tell me. Tell me. Who lived here in the old days?

Tikon:
Oh, in the old days was my master: Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov. He was a Marshal of the nobility. I loved him. He hardly ever beat us.

Ostap Bender:
Oh, and whatever became of your "lovable master"?

Tikon:
One night about ten years ago was a fearful noise. It was bombs and cannons and soldiers shooting. It was terrible, terrible!

Ostap Bender:
Oh, yes, I think it was called "The Revolution".

Tikon:
That was it: The Revolution... You're smart! You're smart and you're gorgeous. You're okay. Anyways... they all run away.

Ostap Bender:
Well, come on, old boy. Let us see how drunk two Russians can get on one ruble.

Tikon:
I like that: two Russians, one ruble!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
Why are you after my chair?

Father Fyodor:
It's not yours!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
Then who's is it?

Father Fyodor:
It's nationalized property! It belongs to the workers?

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
Did you say "the workers"?

Father Fyodor:
Yes, the workers!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
Maybe the Holy Father is a member of the Communist Party?

Father Fyodor:
Maybe...

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
But the Party is for atheists. How can a priest join the PARTY? [Kicks the priest in the shin]

Father Fyodor:
[Grimacing from the kick] Mm... The Church must keep up with the times...

Father Fyodor:
What detail. What fine workmanship. What a gorgeous chairrrrr!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
[They've torn one of chairs to pieces when Vorobyaninov realizes] How did you find out about the jewels?

Father Fyodor:
[pause, then] People talk.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
Why, you disgusting creature! You used the sacred sacrement of confession to further your own ends!

Father Fyodor:
Not really.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
Well, you are just about the most contemptible creature it has even been my misfortune to meet! You're not worth spitting on!

Father Fyodor:
Well, you are!

[He spits on Vorobyaninov]

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
[upon learning that his mother-in-law is dying] Bozhe moi, that poor woman! That poor woman! Who is going to care of me?

Ostap Bender:
[He punches Vorobyaninov in the stomach after Vorobyaniniv has slapped him] Parasite! Parasite, parasite! Disgusting, helpless, inept, bloodsucking parasite! Vorobyaninovs never beg? I begged all my life!

Father Fyodor:
[Bender is masquerading as a government official as Father Fyodor walks into the office to get information about the chairs] I am Vorobyaninov's son. [Ostap stares at him] His first-born. He was like a father to me.

Ostap Bender:
So... you are Vorobyaninov's son.

Father Fyodor:
Yes, I am.

Ostap Bender:
[quickly] How old are you?

Father Fyodor:
46... 44.

Ostap Bender:
Which is it?

Father Fyodor:
42... 42.

Ostap Bender:
According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53. That means that when you were born, your father was... 11. [Father Fyodor gives an impressed whistle]

Father Fyodor:
[to Madam Bruns] My dear lady... don't you understand? [he goes totally manic] I need those chairs!

Ostap Bender:
[Father Fyodor has just handed supposed government official Ostap a pocket watch] Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?

Father Fyodor:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no... I was hoping for the best.

Madam Bruns:
[Father Fyodor is embracing Engineer Bruns' leg] Andre, why is that man kissing your knee?

Father Fyodor:
I want to grovel at your feet! I must grovel at your feet!

Madam Bruns:
No groveling! There will be no groveling in this house! This is a Soviet household! We don't allow groveling!

Father Fyodor:
[desperately trying to think of a motive to get the chairs from the Bruns] C'mon, brain!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov:
[Father Fyodor is on the top of a mountain, ripping a chair apart] It's very quiet... what do you supposed he's doing? Do you think he found the jewels?

Ostap Bender:
In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict. [They wait]

Father Fyodor:
Oh Lord, you're so strict!

Father Fyodor:
Oh Lord... oh Lord, if this is your pun... ish... ment... [he realizes that he's trapped on top of a mountain with no way down] How did I get here? There's no way down... there's absolutely no way down! I'm gonna need a great deal of help to get down! [he sees Ostap and Vorobyaninov leaving] Boys! Oh, boys! Yoo-hoo, Vorobyaninov! I have always liked you, you know that? We come from the same village. For twenty-five years, I have been your priest... oh, for Christ's sake, get me down! [they walk away] Get... me... down!

Ostap Bender:
Tell me... what goes on in this great house?

Tikon:
Mostly dying.

Tikon:
It's an old-age home for wery old ladies. They tippy-toe in, they have a little bowl of porridge and... [he blows a raspberry] that's it.

Tikon:
[Ostap has just addressed him as "comrade"] Comrade! Comrade! Everybody calls me comrade! Everybody in the new Soviet Union is a comrade! People you don't know, strangers, everybody is a comrade! Oh, I miss Russia!