The War at Home

Dave:
There's only one simple rule for dating my teenage daughter - she sees your penis, I'll cut it off.

Dave:
I'm gonna miss that Jew-hating country club.

Mike:
[yells] My penis is on fire!

Dave:
[after Hillary has announced she's getting a wax and Dave thinks it's her genitals] No, you don't prune the hedges unless you're expecting company in the front yard.

Kenny:
[watching TV with Dave] [sighs], I love figure skating.

Dave:
It's hockey...

Dave:
When I was a kid growing up, my father's philosophy was "Do as I say, not as I do." Well, when I became a parent, I swore I would do better with my kids. So my philosophy is, "Do as I say - not as I hope you don't know I do."

Dave:
It's true. Parents that use drugs have kids that use drugs. So there's an important lesson here; don't have kids!

Dave:
What happened to our stash?

Vicky:
*Our stash*? Since when do we have a stash?

Dave:
You know...

Vicky:
No. I thought we decided to be more responsible, and you were gonna get rid of the pot.

Dave:
I am getting rid of it. Little by little.

Vicky:
Hillary came to me and wanted to know how you know when the time is right.

Dave:
Please tell me she's still confused about daylight savings.

Vicky:
You know, maybe we shouldn't drink while the kids live here.

Dave:
Come on, Vicky, we drink *because* the kids live here.

Larry:
I don't like you when you're drunk.

Hillary:
[slurred] I don't like you when I'm sober.

Vicky:
What was that?

Dave:
Oh, that must be Mike playing with his BB gun.

Vicky:
His what?

Dave:
Ah, you know, he's been begging me for one, so I finally got it for him.

Vicky:
Dave! Why didn't you ask me first?

[in his personal space]

Dave:
Same reason I never asked her for a three-way. She would've just said no.

Dave:
When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was sneak into "R" rated movies. In my mind, "R" stood for "really good." Nowadays, there's warnings and ratings on everything; video games, music, booze, cigarettes. You think these warnings would keep kids away from all these things. When, actually, it's sending up a flare saying, "Hey, look. Good stuff over here."

[disclaimer appears on screen:
"Due to the mature subject matter, the following episode may not be suitable for all family members."]

Dave:
[glances down at disclaimer] See? Makes you wanna watch even more, doesn't it?

Dave:
[sees Hillary looking at his Penthouse magazine] What the hell are you doing? That's a men's magazine for men. Oh, God, don't tell me you're going Rosie O'Donnell on me.

Hillary:
Relax, I'm just looking at the b*obs.

Dave:
Not making me feel better.

Dave:
Look, I think we might need to take him to a professional.

Vicky:
What? I thought you didn't believe in therapy.

Dave:
What therapy? I meant a hooker.

Dave:
Where you been?

Vicky:
Oh, I was just talking to Hillary.

Dave:
All this time?

Vicky:
Yeah.

Dave:
How long does it take her to roll her eyes and tell you to get the hell out of her room?

Dave:
I can just imagine the line of crap that Kyle kid is feeding her. "I love you so much, baby. Why should we wait if it's the right time, baby? Come on, baby, let's do it right now, baby."

Vicky:
Come on, she's not an idiot.

Dave:
*You* fell for it!

Dave:
You know, when I was young, I would say anything to a girl to get her to... well, to get her to. I would tell fat girls they were hot. I would tell ugly girls they were pretty. I would tell stupid girls they were... Well, I really didn't have to tell them much. They were pretty much good to go.

Vicky:
I never had sex with a guy who pressured me. At least not until I got married.

Dave:
They say necessity is the mother of invention. When I first got a computer, it seemed so complicated. I thought; "I'll never figure this thing out!". Then I found out there was free pornography out there. I figured it out.

Mike:
Hey, Dad, I need you to sign this math test.

Dave:
You failed?

Mike:
No, my teacher just wants your autograph. He's a big fan of mid-level insurance salesmen.

Keith:
Don't worry, I'll give Hillary the respect she deserves.

Dave:
Oh, you better give her more than that!

Dave:
[beginning of the show, fourth wall] You know, don't you sometimes wish that having kids was like eating out at a restaurant, that if you didn't like the food, or for that matter kids, you could send it back? "Uh yea excuse me, I never ordered this daughter so spicy, and where's the dressing she's suppose to come with, and oh, yea, I didn't order this kid flaming, and I don't even *remember* ordering this kid at all."

Dave:
Oh come on, Larry, you wouldn't even know how I met your mother.

Vicky:
[breaking the fourth wall] Two bottles of beer and some questionable, "Ass-Pur-Inn".

Dave:
All right! All right! All right! All right! That is it! Okay? Okay? Apparently, you kids have forgotten that we are the parents! Okay? So, to remind you of this, we are instituting a zero-tolerence policy, effective immediately! If anybody misses their curfew, or doesn't do their homework, or talks back, or just looks at us wrong, they're gettin' a spanking!

[all the kids laugh]

Hillary:
Oh my God!

Mike:
Are you serious?

Dave:
You think this is some kinda joke? Do you? Just try me and see what happens! [silence] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Now, who wants to mess with me first? [silence] Yeah, that's right! That's what I thought! Remember, I'm the stallion! All right? You're nothing but ponies!

Dave:
Just because you're half Jewish doesn't mean you're going to do it half-assed. Ok, for thousands of years Jews had to learn that Hebrew crap, I had to do it and you're going to do it.

Mike:
Yeah, but that sounds hard.

Dave:
Too bad, that's what being a Jew is all about, suffering. Welcome to the club.

Keisha:
You're Hillary, right?

Hillary Gold:
Yeah.

Keisha:
I'm Keisha. And I don't like your skinny ass.

Vicky Gold:
Now, I want you to get changed for the play, because you're going.

Dave Gold:
Fine. I'll go, but I'll tell you right now, I'm not gonna like it.

Vicky Gold:
Dave, it's a high school play. Nobody's gonna like it.

Hillary Gold:
This girl Keisha and I got into a fight, and I... kind of punched her.

Dave Gold:
Keisha? Wh-What'd you... you beat up a black girl?

Hillary Gold:
What makes you assume she's black? Isn't that a little racist of you?

Dave Gold:
Not as racist as you beating her up.

Vicky Gold:
Well, how would you feel if your dad didn't show up for your things?

Dave Gold:
Hey, when I was his age, my things were smoking doobs and grabbing b*obs.

Keisha:
Who do you think you are? There are only eight black guys at our school, and what makes you think you get one of them?

Hillary Gold:
Keisha, there could be 8,000 black guys at our school, and I still don't think you'd get one.

Hillary Gold:
[to Taye] Wait, you're breaking up with me?

Taye:
Mmm-hmm.

Hillary Gold:
Why? I mean, is this because I'm grounded? Because I can just sneak out.

Taye:
It's not that. You can't go around thugging on people. You're a hater.

Hillary Gold:
No, it wasn't like that at all.

Taye:
I'm sorry, but I can't go out with someone who solves their problems with violence. [Cut scene] Plus, she's way too clingy. If I was actually hitting it, it'd be one thing, but life's too short.

Dave Gold:
What's the matter with you, huh? We don't steal in this family.

Hillary Gold:
Really? What about our cable?

Dave Gold:
That's not stealing. That's beating the system.

Hillary Gold:
What about when you eat in the grocery store?

Dave Gold:
That's called a taste test.

Hillary Gold:
I think you know what Oreos taste like, Dad.

Larry:
Hey Kenny, if I show you something you promise not to tell anyone?

Kenny:
[In his mind] If you show me yours, I'll show you mine.

Aunt Shelley:
Larry, is that you? It's me, your mom.

Larry:
Huh?

Aunt Shelley:
Well, Vicky has two kids: Mike and Hillary

Larry:
No. I'm the middle child. I'm Larry.

Aunt Shelley:
Oh, Larry. You're my son. Dave and Vicky took you away from me because I was insane. [reaches out for a hug]

Larry:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Aunt Shelley:
I'm not his mother. I'm just screwing with him. Serves them right for not coming to visit me.

Dr. Joel Lieber:
[about Mike] This is a very difficult thing for a therapist to tell a parent about their child...

Vicky Gold:
Oh, God!

Dave Gold:
What, he's sick? He's really sick?

Dr. Joel Lieber:
Actually, the clinical term is, "Big ****ing Liar."

Larry:
Hey, Mike just told me he's going to therapy.

Mike Gold:
Yeah, so?

Larry:
So, if there's anyone in this family who should be going to therapy, it's me. I'm the middle child, I'm neurotic, I'm the one with the horrible social skills. How many cries for help do you need?

Mike Gold:
All right, tell me what's going on. Are you guys getting a divorce?

Dave Gold:
No, damn it! Why are you always asking us that?

Dave Gold:
No, no. No therapy. Okay? All those head doctors do is say you have ADD or OCD or NAACP and boom, you're labeled a nut job. And once you start, you can't stop. I'm telling you, Vicky, therapy is like crack for sad people.

Vicky Gold:
[about Mike] You know, between his sleeping and his moods, and that note, you know, we're just very concerned, Doctor. And I'm not one of those parents that, you know, overreacts, but he turned down chocolate-chip pancakes.

Dr. Joel Lieber:
Well, I don't consider therapy overreacting, I just think it's good parenting. [cut scene] Plus, all I need is one more manic depressive or schizophrenic and I can afford to re-landscape.

Mike Gold:
All right, look, I have to tell you guys the truth. I'm not really depressed, okay? That note you found was a song I tried to write, and I was just trying to get you to buy me stuff.

Vicky Gold:
We know that, you idiot!

Dave Gold:
Yeah, what's the matter with you, huh? How can you do something like that?

Vicky Gold:
You scared us!

Dave Gold:
How are we supposed to know when there's something's really wrong with you, you moron!

Dylan:
[on a date] So were you born in New York?

Kenny:
I DON'T WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU!

Dylan:
[stunned] What?

Kenny:
I'm a virgin - slow down, will ya?

Dylan:
I don't...

Kenny:
I've never been with another guy in a house all alone before, okay?

Dylan:
Kenny, just relax.

Kenny:
Hey, I'm bad at being gay. I think I'm allowed to be a LITTLE upset.

Dylan:
I've never been in this situation either, okay? This is all new to me, too.

Kenny:
Really?

Dylan:
[still alarmed] Trust me. *All* of it is new to me.

Kenny:
[sits down] So... you don't want to start having crazy sex right this second?

Dylan:
Um, no. Not really.

Kenny:
[grins] Is this a great date or what?

Dylan:
[later] So, what do you feel like doin'?

Kenny:
How about a movie? I rented Funny Girl and All About Eve.

Dylan:
Hmm. Those sound kind of... gay.

Kenny:
Yeah, they do, don't they.

Dylan:
I like Lord of the Rings.

Kenny:
I love Lord of the Rings!

Dylan:
They have the best battle sequences ever filmed.

Kenny:
Oh my God, that's exactly what Larry says!

Dylan:
I think Viggo Mortensen was born to play the part of Aragorn.

Kenny:
Larry says that too!

Dylan:
Oh yeah? Well, does Larry say that you have the most soulful eyes he's ever seen? [Kenny is speechless, and then giggles and swoons against the couch]

Dave Gold:
Yeah, Vicky, wow. Why the hell do you look so good?

Vicky Gold:
Dave, you spoil me with all those compliments.

Mike Gold:
[to Larry] You are such a drama queen.

Larry Gold:
I am not a queen! I'm a man!

Mike Gold:
All right, look, Larry, I'm sorry I called you a nobody, okay? Next time someone asks me who you are, I'll say, "my loser brother," all right?

Larry Gold:
Hey, make up your mind! Am I a loser, a freak, or a nobody?

Hillary Gold:
D - all of the above.

Dave Gold:
[about Hillary] Where am I taking her?

Vicky Gold:
To the gynecologist.

Dave Gold:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not my area. I mean, that is my area, but only when that area is your area. Her area... that's out of my area.

Vicky Gold:
Hillary, tell your father why you have to see the gynecologist today.

Hillary Gold:
Because I have terrible PMS, and cramps, and bloating, and a very heavy flow.

Dave Gold:
Aah, aah, okay, okay, that's enough. I heard enough. I'll take her, just stop talking.

Dave Gold:
Hey, what do you know? The horniest hound from my high school is my daughter's gynecologist. No!

Mike Gold:
Hey, Larry, can I borrow your stopwatch? Larry? Hello? Uh, I need to borrow your stopwatch for my science homework.

Larry Gold:
I'm sorry, is someone talking to me?

Mike Gold:
Yes, freak!

Dave Gold:
It turns out Hillary's doctor is someone I went to high school with.

Vicky Gold:
You're kidding. You know Dr. Vogel?

Dave Gold:
Oh, yeah, I know all about him. Let's just say he turned his hobby into his career.

Vicky Gold:
What do you mean, he was President of the Pap Smear Club?

Dave Gold:
In a matter of speaking, yes. I mean, in high school, all this guy talked about was getting into girls' pants. At least back then he had to work at it. Now all he has to do is say next!

Vicky Gold:
I've been going to Dr. Vogel for, like, three years now, and he's been nothing but professional...

Dave Gold:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's, uh... he's seen you, too?

Vicky Gold:
Not only has he seen me, I paid him to look at it.

Dave Gold:
Come on! Come on. I've been very mature about this. I discussed it calmly and rationally. I didn't even scream or yell! Come on!

Vicky Gold:
Yeah. You mean like you're doing now?

Dave Gold:
That's 'cause you're making me!

Vicky Gold:
Hey, just because you handled it maturely doesn't mean you get what you want.

Dave Gold:
But that's not fair!

Vicky Gold:
I'm sorry if it bothers you, but I think Vogel is an excellent doctor, and I'm very comfortable with him.

Dave Gold:
Well, I'm not.

Vicky Gold:
Then I suggest you don't let him examine your vagina.

Vicky Gold:
So you had a problem with me doing business with Dr. Vogel until suddenly, you had business to do with Dr. Vogel.

Dave Gold:
First of all, when I do business with him, my pants aren't off, and my feet aren't in the air.

Hillary Gold:
What are you calling Dr. Vogel for?

Dave Gold:
[scene cuts] To tell him he's gotten his last peek at my wife and daughter's woo-woos.

Dave Gold:
Look, I don't drink cause I'm sad. I drink because I'm bored and dissatisfied with my life.

Dave:
[Giving Kenny advice about the new girl that he is dating, who is fat.] I'm just saying that you should always be careful.

Kenny:
You mean I should always practice safe sex?

Dave:
[Pauses] Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

Dave:
[Speaking to the audience.] Actually, I meant that he shouldn't ever let her be on top.

Dave:
So did you break up with Heidi?

Mike:
No, dad. I didn't break up with Heidi.

Dave:
What?! You didn't listen to me?

Mike:
Dad, no offence but I pretty much don't listen to anything you say ever.

Dave:
What?

Mike:
Well, you know, I listen for key words like "Dinner's ready" or "allowance" or "FIRE!" but the rest is just background noise.