The War of the Roses

Barbara Rose:
Have you ever made angry love?

Gavin:
Is there any other way?

Oliver Rose:
You weren't even multiorgasmic before you met me, were you?

Barbara Rose:
You really expect me to keep on reassuring you sexually even now when we disgust each other?

Oliver Rose:
You have sunk below the deepest layer of prehistoric frog sh*t at the bottom of a New Jersey scum swamp.

[Finding out that they are going to get a divorce]

Oliver Rose:
And you better get yourself a damn good lawyer!

Barbara Rose:
Best your money can buy!

Gavin:
Oliver, my father used to say that a man can never outdo a woman when it comes to love and revenge.

[Oliver Rose pees on the fish Barbara Rose had prepared for the guests]

Barbara Rose:
I would never humiliate you like this!

Oliver Rose:
You're not equipped to, honey.

[Oliver Rose lies in agony, after having his penis bitten severely by Barbara Rose]

Barbara Rose:
Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Gavin:
There is no winning! Only degrees of losing!

Barbara Rose:
[after learning that Oliver is moving back into the home] This is the stupidest thing you've ever done!

Oliver Rose:
Second stupidest.

Oliver Rose:
Barbara, Susan is here. She wants to know if you are all right.

Barbara Rose:
Never felt better.

Oliver Rose:
[opens the door for Susan] Thank you for dropping by, Susan.

Susan:
Will you go outside with me, Mr.Rose?

Oliver Rose:
Let's go. [pauses] Wait a minute, I forgot something.

Susan:
What?

Oliver Rose:
Barbara! [shuts the door in front of her nose]

Oliver Rose:
[mistakenly almost hits Susan with the thrown chair] Oh, I'm sorry, Susan. I thought you are Barbara.

Barbara Rose:
Get out of the car, honey!

Oliver Rose:
You're gonna have to kill me.

Barbara Rose:
I mean it, Oliver.

Oliver Rose:
You don't have *guts*! C'mon!

Oliver Rose:
[just got in the chandelier which pulled him of the balcony] I think I can swing this over to the balcony.

Barbara Rose:
Stop it! Stop it! stop it!

Barbara Rose:
I loosened the bolt, I was gonna drop it on you.

Oliver Rose:
Oooh. That's a good one.

Barbara Rose:
Besides money... [Barbara kicks off one of her heels and puts her foot in Gavin's crotch] what would it take to get you to help me, Gavin?

Gavin:
Come on, put your shoes on, Barbara. I haven't been into feet since '82.

Gavin:
My father used to say there are four things that tell the world who a man is: his house, his car, his wife and his shoes.

Oliver Rose:
What the hell is wrong with you?

Gavin:
[cut to interior of Gavin's office] If you're with a woman for any length of time, eventually you'll ask her that question.

Oliver Rose:
I think you owe me a solid reason. I worked my ass off for you and the kids to have a nice life and you owe me a reason that makes sense. I want to hear it.

Barbara Rose:
Because. When I watch you eat. When I see you asleep. When I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in.

Gavin:
There are two dilemmas... that rattle the human skull. How do you hold onto someone who won't stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won't go?

Mr. Fisk:
[Speaking to the other guests after seeing Oliver urinating on the stove] A family tiff seems to be developing. I don't know if we should leave, but I definitely advise skipping the fish course.

[first lines]

Gavin:
[Gavin is talking to a client] You have some valid reasons for wanting a divorce. [blows his nose with a handkerchief] Excuse me. My sinuses are very sensitive to irritants. [sprays nasal decongestant up his nostrils] In the past five months, I think I've breathed freely with both sides working maybe a week total. [pulls a cigarette out of a pack] I gotta cut this out. It's gonna kill me. [lights his cigarette] I hadn't smoked for thirteen years. I kept the last cigarette from my last pack. I said if I never smoked this one cigarette I'll never smoke again, period. Thirteen years I kept that cigarette. [fetches a plastic case out of a drawer] I had this little case made for it. [opens it and shows it to him] Thirteen years. And then, one Thursday afternoon, Barbara came to see me. And when she left...

[last lines]

Gavin:
[on the phone with his wife] Hi, what're you doing? I'm coming home. Love you. [smooches] Bye.

Oliver Rose:
[Oliver and Barbara pass each other on the stairs] Stinking b*tch!

Barbara Rose:
Dumb bastard!

Oliver Rose:
Slut!

Barbara Rose:
Scum!

Oliver Rose:
Filth!

Barbara Rose:
F*ggot! [Passes Susan the maid] Morning Susan.

Barbara Rose:
[after making love to Oliver, several times, upon their very first meeting] If we end up together, then this is the most romantic evening of my life. And if we don't, then I'm the world's biggest slut.

Gavin:
At 15 I became an evolutionist; and it all became clear. We came from mud. And after 3.8 billion years of evolution, at our core is still mud. Nobody can be a divorce lawyer and doubt that.

Gavin:
I should have seen her toes in the pit of my crotch as a cry for help.