The Way of the Gun

Parker:
There is a natural order. The way things are meant to be. An order that says the good guys always win, that you die when it's your time or when you have it coming, that the ending is always happy-if only for someone else. Now at some point it became clear that our path had been chosen for us and we had nothing to offer the world. Our options narrowing down to petty crime or minimum wage, so we stepped off the path and went looking for the fortune that we knew was looking for us. Once off the path you do what you can to eat, keep moving. You don't blow your ghost of a chance with nickel and dime, no possessions, no comforts. Need is the ultimate monkey. A pint of your blood can fetch you fifty bucks, a shot of cum-three grand. You keep your life simple and you can literally self sustain.

Parker:
I think a plan is just a list of things that don't happen.

Parker:
The longest distance between two points is a kidnapper and his money.

Parker:
We don't want your forgiveness; we won't make excuses. We're not gonna blame you, even if you are an accessory, but we will not accept your natural order. We didn't come for absolution, we didn't ask to be redeemed, but isn't that the way it is? Every goddamn time. Your prayers are always answered, in the order they're received.

Longbaugh:
There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.

Longbaugh:
A heart is the only thing that has value. If you have one, get rid of it.

Longbaugh:
You know what I'm gonna tell God when I see him? I'm gonna tell him I was framed.

Joe Sarno:
I can promise you a day of reckoning you won't live long enough to never forget.

Joe Sarno:
Fifteen million dollars is not money. It's a motive with a universal adaptor on it.

Joe Sarno:
Karma is justice without the satisfaction. I don't believe in justice.

Joe Sarno:
[To his dying friend] To let live.

Joe Sarno:
You want to know the only thing you can assume about a broken down old man? It's that he's a survivor.

I'd never ask you to trust me. It's the cry of a guilty soul. - Hale Chidduck

[In regard to her baby] When you think about deaf people. About being deaf. How would they know what to call their mother or their reflection. That's what I call it. There's no name. - Robin Sarno

We have to consider the woman to be as much a threat as the two men. My only main concern now is for the child. - Jeffers

Creative articulation my good man. - Obecks

She's gotta big mouth, but she ain't kidding. I'm gonna whip ya silly and I'm gonna f*** ya stupid. You wanna do the man dance, first dance is yours. - Whipped Boyfriend

Employee:
What would you say qualifies you as a donor?

Parker:
Well, I'd say I'm a fairly intelligent, good-looking man, physically fit, stable…

Employee:
Ok... heterosexual?

Parker:
[pause] Can I ask you something?

Employee:
Sure.

Parker:
Are you a f*ggot?

[The employee, taken aback, doesn't respond.]

Parker:
See, you asked me if I was heterosexual. I asked you the same question, only I was clear about the answer I was looking for.

Employee:
I just asked if you were heterosexual.

Longbaugh:
Well, I've never killed a man…

Employee:
I beg your pardon?

Longbaugh:
I said I've never killed a man.

Employee:
I didn't ask if you had.

Longbaugh:
You asked me why I think I was qualified, and I think that's qualification.

Employee:
And I'm just wondering why that in particular strikes you as an important qualification for semen donation.

Longbaugh:
I would say that's a big f***ing qualifica-excuse me, a very important qualification.

Employee:
No one's ever said that before…

Longbaugh:
Have you ever asked?

Employee:
No.

Longbaugh:
You should.

Whipped Boyfriend (to Parker/Longbaugh):
Hey! Hey! Yeah you, get up. What are you, retarded? Get off the f***ing car!

Raving B*tch (to Parker/Longbaugh):
Hey dickless, get off the f***ing car! Hey f*** suck, get your slippery f***ing ass off the car! Listen to me, get off the f***ing car with your f***ing ass!

Parker:
Shut that c*nt's mouth or I'll come over there and f*** start her head!

Raving B*tch (to Whipped Boyfriend):
Do something! Go!

Raving B*tch (to Parker/Longbaugh):
You're gonna wish you never f***ing got up this morning a**hole, because my boyfriend's gonna f*** you up! And then after that while he's f***ing up your f***ing gay uncle over there I'm gonna f***ing cut off your cock and mail it to your mother, you f***ing f*ggot b*tch! Gaylord f***ing b*tch! How do you like that? You like that a lot? You f***ing f*ggot? You like to ass f***? Fontanella f***ing babyhead f***?

Whipped Boyfriend (to Raving B*tch):
Honey.

Raving B*tch (to Whipped Boyfriend):
Go ahead.

Raving B*tch (to Parker/Longbaugh):
You like to f*** babyheads? You like to f*** boys? He's gonna f*** you in the ass, how do you like that? He's not even gay but he'll do it just to f***...

Whipped Boyfriend(to Raving B*tch):
Honey, honey.

Whipped Boyfriend (to Parker/Longbaugh):
She's got a big mouth but she's not kidding. I'm gonna whip you silly and I'm gonna f*** you stupid. You wanna do the man dance? First dance is yours.

[While kidnapping a pregnant woman named Robin in the hospital]

Parker:
Alright guys I want this to go down nice and quiet. So put the guns down.

[The bodyguards do not respond]

Parker:
Come on guys this is no good.

Longbaugh:
Hey man.

Parker:
What?

Longbaugh:
The people!

Parker:
Can't you people see we have guns here?

[The people do not move]

Parker:
...Get the f*** out! Get out!

[After everyone leaves]

Parker:
Alright guys, come on we've got you dead to it. Now I am gonna count to three.

[The guards cock their guns]

Longbaugh:
Ah f***.

Parker:
What the f*** are you doing. You're supposed to be protecting her.

[The guards lower their guns down to Robin's stomach.]

Longbuagh:
Ah f***. Man, what'd I tell you.

Robin:
Walk away. Walk away. They don't care about dying, just losing. You're not gonna make it out of here alive. Someone could've called the cops by now, you know they're gonna come! Just walk away.

Parker:
[A gun to Robin's stomach] Do you love this baby?

Robin:
[Shaken] Yes!

Parker:
Then you walk.

Sarno:
So are you the brains of the op, or is he?

Longbaugh:
To tell you the truth I don't think this is a brains kind of operation.

Longbaugh:
But, you know, then you got the other side. You got these trigger-happy cocksuckers all about the shooting and posturing and 'you don't know who I am' kind of thing..."I been to prison."

Sarno:
'Cause you got caught, dumb f***.

Longbaugh:
These days, they want to be criminals more than they want to commit crime.

Joe Sarno:
Well that's... that's not just crime. That's the way of the world.

Chidduck:
Do you believe in Karma?

Sarno:
Karma is justice without the satisfaction. I don't believe in justice.

Longbaugh:
Who are you?

Sarno:
I'm the guy you might meet one night. When you wake up with a pillow over your head. And the only thing you'll hear is a little pop.

Longbaugh:
You're a bag man.

Jeffers:
What?

Obecks:
Well, I'm just talking here... but by their design, all we really need to come back with is the baby... think about it... no money, no perps, no nothing. We could kill these two f***s, take the money, bring Chidduck his baby, and say it all went well.

Jeffers:
Well... mostly well.

Obecks:
What? The girl?

Jeffers:
Yeah.

Obecks:
Well when she doesn't show up in a couple of months, it'll be assumed she ate a bullet and they made off for f***ing Bolivia... damn it... it doesn't work. The doc...

Jeffers:
The doctor gets shot in the fray...

Obecks:
Right...

Jeffers:
We tried to help him, but it was either him or the baby. He was alive when we took off, and must have died crawling for help in the desert.

Obecks:
Creative articulation my good man.

Jeffers:
Just talking of course...

Obecks:
Sure.

[Longbaugh nearly shooting Robin with a sniper rifle]

Parker:
Christ, you almost hit her!

Longbaugh:
If I wanna hit her I'll hit her. If I wanna miss I'll miss.

[Parker and Longbaugh are torturing Obecks with barbed wire]

Parker:
In a few minutes I'm gonna pull your fingernails out and leave you to think about em. Then I'll cut your eyelids off. Then from time to time I'll pour gasoline in your eyeballs to keep you from passing out. Bottom line guy, I'm gonna ask you one question then I'm never gonna ask you again. Where did they take the girl.

Obecks:
I don't know.

[They continue torturing him]

[After Parker is shot by Jeffers]

Longbaugh:
Can you walk?

Parker:
Only if we can get this cocksucker.

[Parker and Longbaugh are about to enter a shootout]

Longbaugh:
What do you think?

Parker:
I think a plan is just a list of things that don't happen.

Longbaugh:
If we die we die alone.

[After they are both wounded in the gunfight]

Parker:
Are you alright?

Longbaugh:
[Quietly] I'm still here.

Parker:
Are you still with me?

Longbaugh:
[Sighs] Yeah! [Bullet strikes near his head]

Longbaugh:
[Dying] Until that day then.

Sarno:
[Walking away] Till that day.

Longbaugh:
[As he lays dying with Parker] What are you going to tell God now?

Joe Sarno:
[To his dying friend] Till that day...

Joe Sarno:
I'm the button man. I'm the guy you wake up to one night, maybe a year from now, maybe two. And all you'll see is a pillow over your face, and you'll hear a pop. Plenty more where I came from.

Joe Sarno:
[parting after Longbaugh rejects settlement offer, holding the handshake firm] Until that day, then, huh?