The Wedding Singer

Robbie:
[singing] You don't know how much I need you. While you're near me, I don't feel blue and when we kiss I know you need me too. I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true. But it all was bullshit. It was a goddamn joke and when I think of you, Linda,I hope you f***ing choke. I hope you're glad with what you've done to me. I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy. You left me here, all alone, tears running constantly. Oh would somebody kill me please? Somebody kill me please. I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please! Kill me! I want to die! Put a bullet in my heeeeaaaad!

Robbie:
Sir, one more outburst and I will strangle you with my microphone wire, you understand me?

Father of the Bride:
Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to share your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing.

Robbie:
Well, I have a microphone and you don't, SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!!

David "Dave" Veltri:
[drunk] My brother Harold asked me to be the Best Man at his wedding. I was like [chuckles] of course, man. 'Cause you've always been there for me, when I was in rehab, and the time I couldn't find my car. It's Harold ya know, he's always been the dependable one. I've always been the screwed up one, right dad? [chuckles] Why can't you be more like your brother? Harold would never beat up his landlord! [laughing]

Groomsman:
[whispering to other groomsmen] He's drunk as sh*t.

Dave:
[laughs then coughs a little] But, uh newsflash pop, Harold ain't so perfect. [to Harold] Remember that time in Puerto Rico we picked up those two uh...I guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember payin'.

Robbie:
[comes up on stage and grabs mike from Dave]Okay, how 'bout that! Yeah, terrific.

Dave:
I'm a person too Pop, goddammit! I'm a person too!

Mr.Veltri:
You're a moron!

Robbie:
The Best Man, everybody.

Dave:
The best man, the better man! [bangs cymbal] Aooooooow!

Robbie:
Uh, hey. We've all done crazy things in our life, so... [Robbie is interrupted when Dave picks up Robbie's guitar and starts strumming it.] He's playing the guitar now, isn't that great? You're doin' good.

Dave:
Yeah, sounds good? That's cause I'm the best guitar player in the wooorld! Yeaah! Self taught, no lessons. Thank you very much, Pop! [drunkenly stumbles offstage] They'll be divorced in a year! [crowd gasps]

Linda:
I've been talking to my friends the last couple of days...

Robbie:
Uggh...here it comes.

Linda:
...and I've been figuring out what's been bothering me. I'm not in love with Robbie 'now'. I'm in love with Robbie '6 years ago'. Robbie the lead singer of Final Warning...when I used to come and watch you in the front row with your spandex pants...your silk shirt unbuttoned...licking the microphone like David Lee Roth...

Robbie:
I still got the spandex. I'll put 'em on right now.

Linda:
The point is I woke up this morning and realized, "I'm about to marry a wedding singer?!" I am never gonna leave Ridgefield!

Robbie:
Why do you need to leave Ridgefield? We grew up here. All our friends are here. It's the perfect place to raise a family.

Linda:
OH...YEAH...live in your sister's basement with five kids while you're off every weekend doing wedding gigs at a whopping sixty bucks a pop?!

Robbie:
Once again...things that could've been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!

[Sammy catches on to Robbie's babbling about Julia's jacket]

Sammy:
Uh oh...You like her.

Robbie:
No, I don't!

[Robbie is talking to a flight attendant]

Robbie:
I can't drink. You see, I'm in love with this girl. She's gone off to marry some idiot in Las Vegas and I'm going there to stop him.

Female Passenger:
[overhears] That's the sweetest thing I have ever heard! Where are they getting married?

Robbie:
That's the problem, I don't know where. I have to go around every chapel, so you know, you do what you got to do.

[Billy Idol is blocking Glenn from interfering in Robbie's declaration of love to Julia with a airplane food trolley]

Billy Idol:
How you doin', sir - chicken or fish?

Glenn:
You better get out of my way, Billy. You're gonna get hurt!

Billy Idol:
Oh yeah?

[A huge biker wearing a Billy Idol T-shirt gets out of his seat and interjects himself between Billy and Glenn]

Biker:
Don't you talk to Billy Idol that way!

[Sammy catches on to Robbie's babbling about Julia's jacket]

Sammy:
Uh oh.

Robbie:
What?

Sammy:
You like her.

Robbie:
No, I don't!

Sammy:
Of course you do. She's a cool chick with a hot ass.

Robbie:
You talk about her ass again, I'll break your neck.

[A flight attendant in first class offers drinks to Robbie]

Robbie:
How much is it?

Flight Attendant:
It's free.

Robbie:
It's what? Holy sh*t, this is incredible. Actually, I shouldn't drink. I fell in love with this girl who's going to marry an idiot, so I'm on my way to Vegas to stop them.

Female Passenger:
[overhears] That's the sweetest thing I have ever heard! Where are they getting married?

Robbie:
That's the problem, I don't know where, but I'm going to run around and find them. I got to do what I got to do.

Lord of the ladies

Julia Sullivan:
[In front of mirror while testing her wedding dress] Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Mrs. Glenn Gulia. ... Hello. It's nice to meet you. I'm Julia Gulia. [remembers something Robbie said; pause] It's nice to meet you. [cries] I'm Mrs. Julia Gulia. [begins to smile as she imagines Robbie being her husband] I'm pleased to meet you. I'm Mrs. Robbie Hart. Robbie and I are so pleased you could come to our wedding.

[at a job interview for a bank]

Mr. Simms:
Do you have any experience?

Robbie:
No, sir, I have no experience but I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in.

Julia:
May I ask what happened with Linda?

Robbie:
She wasn't the right one, I guess.

Julia:
Did you have any idea she wasn't the right one when you were together?

Robbie:
I should have. Uh, I remember we went to the Grand Canyon one time. We were flying there and I'd never been there before and Linda had, so you would think that she would give me the window seat but she didn't and... not that that's a big deal, you know. It's just there were a lot of little things like that. I know that sounds stupid...

Julia:
Not at all. I think it's the little things that count.

Robbie Hart:
[to Linda] Hey, psycho - we're not gonna discuss this, OK, it's over. Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.

Billy Idol:
Good afternoon, everyone. We're flying at 26,000 feet, moving up to 30,000 feet, and we've got clear skies all the way to Las Vegas. Right now, we're bringing you some in-flight entertainment. One of our first class passengers would like to sing you a song inspired by one of our coach passengers. And since we let our first class passengers do, pretty much whatever they want, here he is...