The Westerner

[a Mexican bandito bars Dave way out of town]

Dave Blassingame:
Habla Englisa?

[the gunslinger nods]

Dave Blassingame:
Sure you do, you miserable hind end of a coyote. Just tryin' to be agreeable. Now look here what I got for you [Dave unsheathes his rifle] See? Ain't it purdy? How'd you like to have that, you bushwhackin' hamstringer?

[as the gunslinger reaches for the rifle Dave smacks him with the rifle butt]

[first lines of Episode 1.3]

Dave Blassingame:
I can't read no better than you can, brown dog, but that big word oughta stand for horse race, 'cause the numbers underneath mean $300 in prize money, which I will collect this day, rain or shine.

Dave Blassingame:
Brown, do you hear me, Brown? Listen to all that hoopin' and hollerin', Brown. Brown, you ain't payin' attention. I fail to see how you're going to augmentate your reputation as man's best friend just layin' there out of the wet, while everybody's celebratin', Brown. Well, I oughta saddle you up for the race, you big dumb cull. You're nothin' but skin around appetite anyway.

Burgundy Smith:
You here for the race?

Dave Blassingame:
Yup.

Burgundy Smith:
You runnin'?

Dave Blassingame:
Horse runs - I travel and my feet dangle.

[about Burgundy Smith]

Dave Blassingame:
Man's best friend is his mother.

Burgundy Smith:
Say, Digger, do you know a Dave Blassingame?

Digger:
Yup.

Burgundy Smith:
Do you figure maybe he'll grab the laurels in this here upcoming contest of speed, horseflesh and dirt-eating ability? Can he win? Win the race?

Digger:
Ain't none more likely.

Burgundy Smith:
Do you consider Mr. Blassingame, ah, oh, a skilled manipulator of equine species?

Digger:
Well, he can ride some.

Burgundy Smith:
Digger, how'd you like to make twenty.

Digger:
Do I have to bushwhack someone?

Burgundy Smith:
Nothing that morally blemished. I just want Mr. Blassingame to lose. The way he talked, he's got a pile down on himself. I just prefer seeing him broke.

[upon learning Burgundy's charges are bogus, Sheriff Lacette releases Dave from jail and returns his rifle]

Tom Lacette:
Is this yours?

Dave Blassingame:
Yes, sir, it's mine. Yes that is mine.

Tom Lacette:
I've never seen it's like before. What is...

Dave Blassingame:
That's a .405 Winchester, Sheriff. It'll kill anything as far as you can see.

Tom Lacette:
Is it for sale?

Dave Blassingame:
No sir, it ain't for sale.

Tom Lacette:
Kill him out of my jurisdiction, if possible.

Pouk Loper:
What's your name?

Dave Blassingame:
Dave Blassingame.

Pouk Loper:
Dave what?

Dave Blassingame:
Blass-in-game.

Pouk Loper:
Blassingame? Well, I'll be a herd of butterballs. Blassingame! Hahahaha!

Arico:
Blassingame? Blassingame? Hahahaha!

Cassidy:
Pouk is kinda tickled by your name.

Dave Blassingame:
Who's tickled?

Cassidy:
Pouk Loper.

Dave Blassingame:
Pouk? That's kind of a funny name, ain't it?

Pouk Loper:
Hey, Pilgrim, what did you say?

Dave Blassingame:
I said Pouk is a funny name. Pouk.

Sheriff Andy:
Blassingame, huh?

Dave Blassingame:
Yep.

Sheriff Andy:
I like that. It's a good name.

Sal:
He ain't worth the lumber to bury him.

Sal:
When I was a little girl, I used to try to wake at sunrise so I could make a wish. It was always the same wish.

Dave Blassingame:
What was it?

Sal:
That I'd be someone else.

[last lines of Episode 1.5]

Sal:
He wasn't worth it. None of 'em are - you said so yourself.

Dave Blassingame:
Maybe I was wrong.

Sal:
Y-you didn't have to prove you were a man to me.

Dave Blassingame:
I wasn't tryin'.

Sal:
Then why? Why?

Dave Blassingame:
I didn't spend all night keepin' him alive so they could kill him in the morning.

[Dave opens the door]

Sal:
So long, Pilgrim.

Dave Blassingame:
So long, Sal.

[Dave enters a Mexican village where the residents have vanished, leaving food on their plates]

Dave Blassingame:
If this town's a ghost, the body's still warm.

Dave Blassingame:
Now this town was empty twenty minutes ago. Why?

Carlotta:
Empty? I have been here waiting for you.

Dave Blassingame:
How long you been here?

Carlotta:
All my life. You know, senor, the Jornada del Muerto - the desert - it has a way of making a man see things that are not there.

Dave Blassingame:
Well, I never heard it could make a man not see things that are there.

Carlotta:
Senor, you came from the south... you must have seen our men!

Dave Blassingame:
Well, no, I just seen... I just seen the vultures.

[Dave pursues the wounded Serafin]

Dave Blassingame:
Careful!

Carlotta:
No! He's ours!

Serafin:
This... all internal politics, my friend. You understand? At heart, I'm basically anti-political... it's not my nature. Comprende? I-I-It destroys my heart to see such bloodshed. I surrender for the good of all Mexico! These women do not understand politics. You understand, eh? I go with you, amigo? Yes, we make a nice ride... maybe drink a little tequila? Then you turn me over to the Federales. You won't leave me to these women! I go with you! With you, yes? I insist! Please? No. Nooo!

[the village women surround Serafin with drawn knives]

[last lines of Episode 1.9]

Dave Blassingame:
What are you going to do?

Carlotta:
The village is our home, senor. We will wait here.

Dave Blassingame:
Alone?

Carlotta:
For a while. But someday a man will come, lonely and tired... and he will stay. A man who can work. And after him, another. We will wait for our one man. They will come back.

Dave Blassingame:
Yeah, I guess they will. Adios.

Carlotta:
Adios.

[a Mexican bandito bars Dave way out of town]

Dave Blassingame:
Habla Englisa?

[the gunslinger nods] Sure you do, you miserable hind end of a coyote. Just tryin' to be agreeable. Now look here what I got for you

[Dave unsheathes his rifle] See? Ain't it purdy? How'd you like to have that, you bushwhackin' hamstringer? [as the gunslinger reaches for the rifle Dave smacks him with the rifle butt]

Bick:
When we got married, I bet you never figured I'd be worth $2000 - alive... alive or dead.

Sabetha:
All right, mister, you found him, but you ain't goin' to take him. You manhunters make the rules - now you die by 'em!

Dave Blassingame:
Lady, I ain't man-trackin'.

Sabetha:
Whatcha got that dog for?

Dave Blassingame:
That dog couldn't catch a cold.

Bick:
I caught a couple of slugs in my appetite - and I ain't quite as sound as I used to be when we was bustin' broncs up in Montana.

[Sheriff Rigdon and his posse speak over the grave of a companion]

Rigdon:
Max, you red-eyed, dog-legged thief, I'm glad you're dead.

Sliger:
We'll miss him - he was such a losin' poker player.

Suzy:
When it comes right down to it, Dave, Sabetha was right. I'm not what folks call "a nice girl." Wouldn't like it if I was. Bein' no good beats plowin'. It's warm and, um, you got company.

Suzy:
When you grew up, didn't you want to amount to somethin'?

Dave Blassingame:
Oh that, well, I've thought along those lines some and-and it appears I'm kind of a stranger to ambition.

Sabetha:
It's my son and you ain't takin' him. You can't prop him up in a window for folks to gawk at like a two-headed calf!

Rigdon:
He don't belong to you any more. He belongs to the law now.

Dave Blassingame:
You ain't the law. You're a meat-hookin' jaybirder.

[Cal, dressed like an Eastern dude, approaches the campsite]

Cal:
Hello the camp!

Ned:
Mother, what is that?

Oresquote:
Well, it's alive.

Ned:
And pretty.

Digger:
It looks like a kitty got losted.

Ned:
Maybe if we shut our eyes, it'll go away.

Dave Blassingame:
Looks like he might holler some.

Oresquote:
It wears a gun!

Ned:
Talk to it, Dave.

Dave Blassingame:
Yeah, I believe I will. I know it looks kinda scary, though.

Cal:
I was born in New Hampshire.

Ned:
Where?

Dave Blassingame:
New Hampshire. Is that a place?

Ned:
It's a cow. Eastern stock.

Digger:
Beef or milk?

Cal:
I can handle this if I have to.

Dave Blassingame:
You can't handle nothin'.

Mazo:
Kid seems to think he's good enough.

Cal:
Well, I am!

Mazo:
Ya hear?

Dave Blassingame:
I got wax in my ears.

Mazo:
You're gonna have dirt in your face, you don't stay clear of me.

Cal:
You head up one of these outfits, don't you? Well, I'd like to get a job with you. I wouldn't expect much pay... any for that matter.

Dave Blassingame:
Now why should I give you a job, boy? You're a long way from home and you don't know enough to keep your mouth shut and your hand still.

Cal:
Well, I could learn! I read a lot and I can ride.

Dave Blassingame:
You got a man shot by somebody else. You better stick to readin'. I hear it's a pleasin' thing.

Oresquote:
It's a question of time.

Dave Blassingame:
You sure?

Oresquote:
Olor de la muerte.

Cal:
What was that?

Oresquote:
I said, "You have the smell of death on you."

Dave Blassingame:
Look, do you know what this is?

[Dave holds up a bullet]

Dave Blassingame:
That's a 45 caliber 240 grain hunk of lead that can splatter your brains out like a jumped on squash. You ever seen a bullet hole?

Cal:
...Meso.

Dave Blassingame:
I mean up close. Oh, it goes in little enough, but then it tears you up inside and if it comes out - that's if you're lucky and it comes out - it leaves a hole about like that.

[Dave holds up his fist]

Dave Blassingame:
Now a gun ain't somethin' you play with, it's to kill people with and you don't reach for it unless you're going to shoot and you don't shoot unless you're going to kill!

Dave Blassingame:
I didn't forget a verse you taught me once. It went, ah... I go up into heaven and you're there / And if I make my bed in hell, you're there / And if I take up the wings in morning, um, I guess I forgot...

Jeff:
If I take the wings of morning and dwell in the outermost parts of the sea / Even there shall thy hand lead me... and I will praise thee... for I am wonderfully made.

[during a barroom fight with Lipp, a former prizefighter, Dave kicks the boxer in the face]

Denny Lipp:
That's against the rules!

Dave Blassingame:
This ain't a game!

Denny Lipp:
Where's your lady friend?

Dave Blassingame:
She ain't goin'.

Denny Lipp:
All that noble gallantry gone to waste. Well, I tried to warn you. Knowing what she is, you should have...

Dave Blassingame:
I know what you made her. You left your mark on a lot of people, I guess. My dad used to tell me that women must be God's favorites, 'cause he made them finer than anything else in creation.

Denny Lipp:
You're a bad loser, Mr. Blassingame.

[Dave punches Lipp in the face]

Dave Blassingame:
I surely am.

[last lines of Episode 1.1]

Glorie:
Have you found salvation, brother?

Dave Blassingame:
Have you?

Glorie:
Yes I have!

[the sound of drunken female laughter from the bordello behind Glorie breaks the evening silence. Dave winces and rides out of town]

[first lines of episode 1.10]

Dave Blassingame:
Come on, Brown. We're goin' to eat cold and sleep wet again. Things get much worse, one of us is goin' to make a meal out of the other one. Dog, when things get bad, you got to run the string out, that's all... you just gotta run the string clean out.

Dave Blassingame:
Come on, dog! Never shoulda come to Texas no how. If you ain't hard-cooked in the sun, you're freezin' to death or drownin' or dyin' of thirst.

Dave Blassingame:
Brown? Hey, Brown! Now where'd you go? Dog, if you're just after a rabbit again, I'm goin' to pick you up by your tail and start swingin' you around and around and if I ever let go...

[Dave finds Brown guarding a dead cowboy with a fractured skull]

Dave Blassingame:
Well... that's sure a poor way to go. Poor time and a poor place, too. Dyin' don't become a man, Brown.

Oscar Hudson:
Walt Forrest was a good man. Everybody liked him.

Dave Blassingame:
Kind of a funny thing...

Oscar Hudson:
What is?

Dave Blassingame:
I mean, once a man goes, all of a sudden everybody liked him... never had no enemies.

[Dave and Oscar the cook are brawling in the line camp bunkhouse]

Jones:
Boy, if Oscar ever hits Dave with a piece of his bread, that'll end it.

Ben Potts:
That's enough! Knock the place down and we'll be sleepin' in the wet!

Shep Prescott:
All cow camp cooks is mean, Dave... we got the only one that can fight!

[last lines of Episode 1.10]

Ben Potts:
You sure as heck brought a pack of trouble with you!

Dave Blassingame:
I'm sorry about that.

Ben Potts:
How am I going to explain to headquarters? Two men dead... one so shot up he can't work. How am I going to explain that!

Dave Blassingame:
Well, if things go bad, you gotta... gotta run the string out, I guess.

[Dave has just killed Margie Lee's jealous husband]

Dave Blassingame:
Now you listen. That's your man in there. I don't know what else he was, but he cared about you and he's got more comin' to him than you steppin' over him to come to my horse.

[instead of chewing on the ropes that hogtie Dave, his dog Brown climbs on a table to eat a steak]

Dave Blassingame:
I sure hope you enjoyed that, Brown, 'cause it's gonna be your last meal off me. You're gonna make a beautiful saddle blanket for somebody. You go ahead and eat it - every bit of it - 'cause you ain't gonna live long enough to digest it. Man's best friend...

[first lines of episode 1.6]

Dave Blassingame:
Now come on, dog. Don't mess with them cats. With the luck I've been havin', they probably belong to the sheriff.

Libby:
Mr. Smith, you are in liquor!

Burgundy Smith:
Ohhh, evil companions, my dear, pressed it upon me.

Dave Blassingame:
Oh, Miss Libby, are you-are you acquainted with this reptile here? Reptile, I s...!

Libby:
No, David, please, no violence.

Burgundy Smith:
Don't I... yes, yes, I believe I do. I know this miserable cinnamon slip. His name is Dave Blassingame, bless my immortal soul.

[Dave is distracted by the sounds of his dog chasing three cats around Mark's general store]

Libby:
I asked if you and Mr. Smith were acquainted?

Burgundy Smith:
Ah, he's lost his power of speech - a sure sign of incipient brain failure. Come, my dear.

Dave Blassingame:
Smith, you're lookin' at a man in love. I mean, the cow jumped over the moon and I'm ridin' on that self-same animal. Smith, it is somthin' so good, I want to holler, I want to jump... ah, Burgundy, you oughta try it. You got to. Now just look at me.

Burgundy Smith:
You're-you're a mountain spring. You're a budding tree. You're a creature without wool. A thing of splendor.

Dave Blassingame:
Well said, Smith.

Burgundy Smith:
Thirty dollars?

Dave Blassingame:
Give me some of that sweet oil, will ya?

Burgundy Smith:
Three dollars and four bits. Where's the rest of it?

Dave Blassingame:
That's it.

Burgundy Smith:
Three dollars and four bits?

Dave Blassingame:
You can take it all, Burgundy, with my blessing.

Burgundy Smith:
What good is this amount going to do me?

Dave Blassingame:
You can go get drunk - it might kill the pain when they beat on you.

Burgundy Smith:
You really earnest about gettin' married?

Dave Blassingame:
I am, I am.

[Burgundy groans and church bells start to ring in the background]

Dave Blassingame:
Listen! Won't be long now, they'll be ringin' for me.

Burgundy Smith:
Blassingame, think! No more the joy of dollar liquor trickling down your parched throat - she'll put a stop to that. No more the joy of thrusting yourself into the maw of chance. She'll have you tied, boy - apron string and plow. She'll make you quit everything you enjoy - even other women!

Dave Blassingame:
Who are you gettin' married to?

[Mark smiles and Dave winces]

Dave Blassingame:
...Miss Libby.

Mark:
The richest man won, Mr. Blassingame.

Dave Blassingame:
That you shootin'?

Troy McKeen:
My horse went lame.

Dave Blassingame:
That's too bad. I'll tell you, there's a bunch of wild stock feedin' on the rimrock about two days south of here. You oughta be able get a rope on one of 'em.

Murdo McKeen:
We haven't got that much time, cowboy. You see, we're goin' to a dyin'.

Dave Blassingame:
I'll see you get to one, you try and steal that horse.

[Dave confronts the cowering Murdo after he and Billy have thrashed Murdo's gunslingers]

Dave Blassingame:
Well?

Murdo McKeen:
Oh, no thanks!

John Stuart:
Murdo never could stand and take it.

Dave Blassingame:
It ain't your choice, friend.

[Dave slugs Murdo]

John Stuart:
Go tell the Old Man that we're running short of McKeens!

Old Man McKeen:
They came for land, not sentiment. I expect the trouble, boy. Trouble's like fire - the hotter the fire, the finer the steel. My grandson hasn't been through the fire yet, and when I pass the ranch on to him, I want to have the feeling he can handle it.

Billy McKeen:
What will I do with 200 square miles of grassland?

Old Man McKeen:
Come on, sign it. You get yourself a wife, get yourself some stock and keep this place filled with cattle and kids.

Billy McKeen:
But I haven't earned it!

Dave Blassingame:
You'll get your chance.

[Dave admires Burgundy's portrait of a nude woman]

Dave Blassingame:
That's a woman!

Burgundy Smith:
She is a woman all right, and that's just it. Her pleasant poetry turned shrill. She cried for marriage.

Dave Blassingame:
Well, what's the matter with that?

Burgundy Smith:
Ah, no. Oh, for the small span of an evening, maybe two, even a week, a woman's cool hand... she's delicious, the breath of life. A woman nameless is a respite from the hard travail of life. A woman new, sloe-eyed, silent, temporary. My raison-dete is my grail. It's my sweetest vessel. It's everything. But, Dave, a woman permanent, as a helpmate, as a life-long companion... oh, no, Dave, a woman as a wife - a downright catastrophe. Naw, I had too much of a good thing. Ah, me.

[Dave, Burgundy and the painting are surrounded by a posse]

Dave Blassingame:
Well, you done it again, Smith. You fixed the Blassingame wagon

Burgundy Smith:
We go out together, Dave. That's a comfort!

Dave Blassingame:
[unconvinced] Surrre.

Posse rider:
Hey you down there! You want to parley?

Dave Blassingame:
Yes. Yes that's just what we want to do! You come on in!

Burgundy Smith:
Traitor!

Dave Blassingame:
They can perforate your hide, Smith, not mine! I'm just here for the ride and three hundred dollars, that's all.

Burgundy Smith:
Blassingame, you're a coward.

Dave Blassingame:
Yup!

Burgundy Smith:
You've got the guts of a lop-eared field mouse.

Dave Blassingame:
No, I ain't and you best make your peace, Smith, and make it now!

Dave Blassingame:
Smith, I hate to do this, but I got to hand it to you. That was the most deep-dyed in the wool, fancy-gaited, copper-plated job of fast-talkin' I've ever heard in all my born days. You had me wishin' I was you. Matter of fact, you even had me believin' it!

Burgundy Smith:
You can believe it, Dave boy, believe it. Ain't she a darb, though.

Dave Blassingame:
Oh, yeah, she's all you said and even more.

Burgundy Smith:
Yeah!

Dave Blassingame:
Now, you ain't really going to marry her, are you?

Burgundy Smith:
Yes I will, Dave. Yes I will.

Dave Blassingame:
Aw, Burgundy...

Burgundy Smith:
That is the most woman since Eve bit the apple. I love her!

Dave Blassingame:
Well, sure, fine, but marriage... that's-that's for always.

Burgundy Smith:
Yep. Through the years.

Dave Blassingame:
Smith, a woman is for an evening, maybe two...

Burgundy Smith:
Eternity!

Dave Blassingame:
Oh, come on, Smith. A woman temporary - that's the cry, ain't it?

Burgundy Smith:
Yesss.

Dave Blassingame:
Why sure, that's what you told me.

Burgundy Smith:
Yeah, I did, didn't I?

Dave Blassingame:
Sure, Smith, think of it. Marriage - marriage, that's somethin' that's permanent! That means a velvet noose around your neck. It means a wife... a wife! That'll flatten ya.

Burgundy Smith:
Well, I-I just wasn't thinking.

Dave Blassingame:
A catastophe. A catastrophe!

Burgundy Smith:
Well, thank you, Blassingame. I-I just got carried away. She must have just pushed me out of my head.

Dave Blassingame:
Remember, small doses like you said.

Burgundy Smith:
Yeah, yeah.

[Dave turns away and Burgundy slugs him with his pistol butt]

Burgundy Smith:
Right, Dave Boy, right. I could have lost a fortune.

Marshal Frank Dollar:
Dave, you ever decide to sell that bay, let me know.

Dave Blassingame:
You lost your chance there, Frank. I'm takin' him over to Coarse Gold. Old Man Turner is gonna give me $100 for that horse and he's gonna give me a job smoothin' out his rough string, too, so in three more days I'm going to be in the High Country - no more of your hot beer, no more lizards and I guess you pilgrims are gonna have to struggle along without me.

Old Man:
Did you ever hear about the "Six Trooper Massacre?" Happened around here somewheres about '69.

Dave Blassingame:
Can't say I have.

Old Man:
Chiricahua war party jumped a cavalry patrol. There were six of 'em escortin' a payroll to Huachuaca. They were way out-numbered, but this sergeant in charge had time to bury the payroll before the devils skinned his head. Never did locate it. Close to $30,000 dollars in government gold pieces.

Dave Blassingame:
Them Indians ever find it?

Old Man:
Mister, with that much gold, them Apaches would have loaded up on whiskey and guns and raided East and tooken back New York.

Marshal Frank Dollar:
Rest in peace, Dave

Dave Blassingame:
What are you tryin' to say?

Marshal Frank Dollar:
Here beneath this monument lies the late Dave Blassingame. Priced by himself in the face of all creation at eight thousand seven hundred and sixty dollars cash money.

Dave Blassingame:
I guess you called it.

Marshal Frank Dollar:
Is it enough?

Dave Blassingame:
Well, it ain't bad for a fiddlefoot cowhand with nothin' but a man's strength and awkwardness to draw on. Yeah, it's enough, Frank.