The Whole Ten Yards

[from trailer]

Jimmy Tudeski:
You refused to follow the ABCs of professional killing!

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
There's an actual ABC for professional killing?

Jimmy Tudeski:
Shut up!

Zevo:
Boss, you want us to check the bus?

Lazlo:
As opposed to staring at the bus? OF COURSE YOU SHOULD GO CHECK THE BUS.

Lazlo:
What the fook are you a**holes up to now?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Call Mrs. Himelfarb, remind her to floss... cancel my appointments for the rest of my life and send in as much nitrous as you can, call the FBI.

Julie:
What?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
CALL THE FBI!

Julie:
What's wrong?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
[gets upset] What's wrong, what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. Everything's wrong. Take a look around you. Nothing's right. Cynthia got kidnapped by a bunch of Hungarian killers. And instead of calling the FBI or police like every other rational man, I thought to myself: 'Hey, let's try to get in contact with somebody else that kills a lot of people.' So I went down to Mexico - which is heavily underdeveloped, by the way - and I asked him to help me out. Did he help me out? No, he didn't help me out, he didn't help me out. No, he didn't help me out! Know what he did do? He put on bunny slippers, shot at me and then cooked me some chicken.

[starts to calm down]

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
I'll be okay. I'm gonna calm down and go downstairs and I'm gonna take a nice, leisurely drive in my Porsche.

[gets upset again]

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Wait a minute, I can't drive my Porsche because I don't have my Porsche any more. That's gone, that's history, that's archives! We left the Porsche so we could get onto a bus and rent some other car and you know why? Because I don't. Do you know why? Some kind of GPS, I don't know, system.

Julie:
What's that smell?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
I'll tell you what that smell is. It's me. I smell, and you know why? I've been wearing this suit for three days. I smell like ass. Or foot. Or some kind of foot that's been lodged up deep, deep, deep, inside an ass. I'll tell you the worst thing: I woke up naked next to another naked man who admittedly wets the bed. So if you talk to anybody or anybody calls here, you tell them I fell down a flight of stairs!

Julie:
Yes, sir.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Don't 'yes sir' me! Call the FBI!

Julie:
[goes towards the phone] Calling... I'm calling.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Dial F-B-I. Call the FBI and tell them I fell down a flight of stairs!

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
You believe I fell down a flight of stairs, don't you?

Strabo:
What stairs? [Oz opens the door and sees that there are no stairs]

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
[looks at Jimmy's feet] Are you wearing bunny slippers?

Jill:
[refering to Jimmy's crucifix] Where did he get, Oz?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
I don't know.

[in a flash, Jill is holding the point of a knife to his Adam's Apple]

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
[very fast] It's Cynthia's; she got it from her grandmother when she was a child, and Cynthia gave it to Jimmy for good luck on hits.

Jimmy Tudeski:
[grabs Oz by the throat] You say you're not a squealer! Huh?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
So this is how a retired mass murderer acts.

Jimmy Tudeski:
No. This is how a retired mass murderer acts when people show up uninvited. [grabs Oz by the throat]

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Noted.

Lazlo:
[in an attempt to kidnap Oz] Now you go in and you grab him. You go in and you grab him. Now what do you do?

Strabo:
I go in and...

Lazlo:
And grab him. Now what do you do?

Strabo:
I go in and I grab him.

Lazlo:
Piece of pie.

Strabo:
No. It's cake.

Lazlo:
What did I say?

Strabo:
Pie.

Lazlo:
And what did you say?

Strabo:
Cake. No, pie.

Lazlo:
Piece of pie.

Strabo:
[gets out of car and looks back at Lazlo] It's cake.

[Lazlo back hand slaps him]

Lazlo:
[after sending Strabo in to kidnap Oz, Lazlo later hears ambulance sirens going off and heading towards the builing] Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Lazlo:
Los Angeles. How interesting. All right, we'll get going and cut them off at the piss.

Lazlo:
You killed my Strabo.

Jimmy Tudeski:
Actually, Strabo was already dead. He got shot when your hitter tried to shoot us.

Lazlo:
[looks at Julie] Is this true?

Julie:
Hey, Lazlo. Sh*t happens, all right?

Lazlo:
Oh yeah. Watch this sh*t happen.

[shoots Julie with Jill's gun as she is holding it]

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Who sent you?

Buttercup Scout:
Buttercup Scouts of America.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Bullshit. What troop are you with?

Buttercup Scout:
What?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
You heard me. What's your den mother's name?

Buttercup Scout:
Carol?

Cynthia:
Jesus, Oz! What the hell are you doing? She's a Buttercup Scout.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
I'm not buying this Buttercup Scout routine, and besides, I think there's something in her hands.

Cynthia:
Cookies. Minty Thins. This is Ellen Wasserstrom's daughter. I told her mother I would buy cookies from her.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Oh.

[walks away]

Buttercup Scout:
Putz.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
I heard that.

Buttercup Scout:
Jag-off.

Cynthia:
I swear to God, Oz. If you look at that monitor one more time...

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
I'll be taking cold showers for the rest of my life?

Cynthia:
For starters.

[Oz turns off monitor]

Lazlo:
[to two guys tied up in the trunk of a car] Tell everyone that Lazlo Gogolak is back in town. [shoots both guys]

Strabo:
How are they gonna tell everyone when they're dead?

Cynthia:
You're afraid of everything, Oz.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
That is so not true. [hears balloons pop and ducks under table]

Lazlo:
Put one in his head. Maybe that will make him remember.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
If Strabo puts one in my head how am I gonna remember anything?

Lazlo:
Shut up!

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
I'll try that then.

Lazlo:
Yermo. Zevo. We're driving to Mexico in 10 minutes. Stop drinking or you'll get an IUD.

Cynthia:
How the hell do you know where my husband is?

Lazlo:
That was simple: LuJack.

Cynthia:
Lujack?

Lazlo:
In the Poosche.

Strabo:
No, Papa. Its... uh... You say LoJack. [looks at Cynthia] See? LoJack.

Lazlo:
I didn't quite hear.

Strabo:
Oh. LoJack. [Lazlo slaps Strabo]

Lazlo:
Don't correct me. Don't ever correct me. Do you like getting hit, is that it? You're a freak who enjoys pain?

Strabo:
Of course not.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
[hears and sees Jimmy shooting bullets at him] Jimmy! Jimmy, don't shoot! It's me, it's Oz!

Jimmy Tudeski:
I know.

[shoots at him again]

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Okay, that almost hit me!

[Jimmy, Oz, and Cynthia, are Lazlo's prisoners; Jill, outside, has Lazlo's son hostage]

Lazlo:
[shouting] Where's my son?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
All right, that's it!

Cynthia:
Oz...

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
No, I've had enough! [suddenly tough] If you ever want to see your son again, you'll let us go right now.

Lazlo:
Is that right?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Yeah, that's right! And if we're not out of here by eleven o'clock, Jill's gonna put one in Strabo's forehead. Just like Jimmy put one in Janni's forehead. Oh... it wasn't pretty.

Lazlo:
[enraged] Give me a gun.

Jimmy Tudeski:
[impressed] Not bad, Oz.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Thanks.

[after shooting two rivals dead in a car trunk, Lazlo drives away; Strabo hands him a remote]

Lazlo:
Oh, something else?

[he triggers the remote; behind him, the car explodes]

Lazlo:
Ha! That was fun!

[Julie, Oz's receptionist, jumps Jimmy and chloroforms him]

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Who are you?

Julie:
Jules. Jules Figueroa. Ring any bells?

[Oz realizes she is the sister of one of Jimmy's victims]

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Frankie Figs?

Julie:
[she nods] Yeah. Frankie Figs. He was my brother, and I'm pretty sure you knew him.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Okay, I'll take that chloroform now.

Julie:
Yeah, I know you will! [she gasses him]

Jimmy Tudeski:
[catchs Oz and a topless Jill holding each other] What's all this? [look to Oz] First my ex-wife, now my wife-wife.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
No, no, no! She just hated her outfit.

Jimmy Tudeski:
Come here.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
[to Jill] I think he wants to talk to you for a minute.

Jimmy Tudeski:
[points at Oz] No, you.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Oh. [Jimmy grabs Oz and throws him against the wall]

Lazlo:
Can I ask you a questionnaire, how you found this place?

Jill:
Nice Porsche you got.

Lazlo:
[to his goons] You still have the Porsche? Let me explain to you when we get a moment together, the concept of the secret hideout.

Jimmy Tudeski:
[Jill points a gun at him] You don't have the balls.

Jill:
Ha. This coming from a guy who rarely gets it up.

Cynthia:
That's funny. He never had that problem with me.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Hell, you were shooting at me in Mexico. Was that all part of the plan?

Jimmy Tudeski:
As a matter of fact. It was. Yeah.

Jill:
For two years I have been begging you to go back to work and then when Cynthia gets kidnapped, you're off to the races.

Jimmy Tudeski:
Off to the races?

Lazlo:
You want a slice of the pee?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
[after Oz wakes up naked in a bed with Jimmy] What the hell happened last night? And why does my ass hurt?

Jimmy Tudeski:
You fell down a flight of stairs.

Jimmy Tudeski:
Stay away from my chickens, Oz.

Lazlo:
Your wife is in a safe...

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
My wife is in a safe?

Lazlo:
Place! Safe place! Let me finish the sentence.

Jimmy Tudeski:
If you ever grab me like that again, I will stick a knife in your face.

Lazlo:
You locked my son in the trunk?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
No! No, sir. He locked himself in the trunk.

Lazlo:
[pause] This I believe.

Strabo:
[after seeing Jimmy and Oz in a bed together] A little male bonding?

Jimmy Tudeski:
Just like C block, huh Strabo?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
[in the background] I fell down the stairs, Strabo!

Jimmy Tudeski:
You know I was a bed wetter?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
You don't do it anymore, do you?

Jimmy Tudeski:
When I was 12 I saw my father naked in a shower.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Well, that's probably why you wet the bed. Very Freudian. Jungian.

Jimmy Tudeski:
[to Oz] Squeal bag! Squealster! Remington Squeal!

Jill:
[watching Jimmy do domestic things] I married a contract killer, not Martha Stewart!

Jill:
I thought I married a contract killer, not Martha Stewart.

Jimmy Tudeski:
Do unto others before you're turned into a pillar of salt.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
A pillar of salt?

Jimmy Tudeski:
Yeah. Moses said that. Read the bible, Oz!

Jimmy Tudeski:
[Talking to Lazlo while getting shot at] did you hire a hitter?

Lazlo:
I can't really remember. Why? Is somebody shooting at you?

Jimmy Tudeski:
What is this?

[referring to a tower of glasses on the table]

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
It's what we've been building for the last few hours.

Jimmy Tudeski:
Well, get it out of here!

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Why?

Jimmy Tudeski:
Because I hate it! It makes me sad.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
I don't think God keeps an eye on your sperm. What kind of job is that for God? It'd take him all day. I'm gonna throw up.

Jimmy Tudeski:
[later] Did you have a good relationship with your father?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Yeah, we were like pals.

Jimmy Tudeski:
I wanna to kill my father. I want to take a icepick and stick it right in his eyeball.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Still gonna throw up.

Jimmy Tudeski:
We had some great times though.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
You and your father?

Jimmy Tudeski:
No. Me and Cynthia.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
[burps] That's almost vomit.

Lazlo:
I want him dead. Yesterday! Before breakfast! Before eggs! Scrambled.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Would it be okay for me to ask you at this juncture who you are and what you're doing in my house?

[Lazlo's people start laughing at him]

Lazlo:
I am flabbergasted!

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
I'm sorry?

Lazlo:
Chagrined! That you don't see the resemblance in the facial structure!

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
[to Lazlo's boys] And you guys basically understand all of this?

Jimmy Tudeski:
Oh no! Look it! Blanche!

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Who's Blanche?

Jimmy Tudeski:
Consuelo! Xerxes! Alert the others! There's been a tragedy!

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Who's Blanche?

Jimmy Tudeski:
This is Blanche. You killed her.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
I'm sorry.

Jimmy Tudeski:
Go home, Oz. Go home before something bad happens.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Something bad already has happened; Cynthia's been kidnapped!

Jimmy Tudeski:
Blanche, put down in her prime...

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
He names his chickens! You name your chickens?

[Jimmy runs away crying]

Jimmy Tudeski:
WAAAHHHH! Blanche! You're DEAD!

Lazlo:
Veres Yimmy?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Yimmys dead! Jimmys dead! Their both dead!

Lazlo:
Do you remember... Janni Gogolak?

[Oz bolts to his feet, Strabo punches him and shoves him back down]

Lazlo:
Do you, or don't you...?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
What?

Lazlo:
[shouts] Remember Janni?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Yes, I remember Janni!

Lazlo:
Janni... was my son.

[Oz bolts to his feet again, Strabo punches him again and shoves him back down again]

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Now, Mr. Gogolak, I know what you're thinking.

Lazlo:
Yes, you do?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
I think I do.

Lazlo:
You're the Amazing Kreskin?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
You're thinking that I killed your son! I did not kill your son! Jimmy Tudeski killed your son!

Lazlo:
[picks an ornament off the mantle] You know, I collect these.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Really?

Lazlo:
No.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Why don't you just consider adopting.

Jimmy Tudeski:
Come on Oz, how many adoption agencies are gonna give a kid to a professional killer.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
You may have a point there.

Jimmy Tudeski:
Maybe i could just steal a kid. They're small. How hard can that be.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
Didn't like that shirt either, huh?

Jill:
Well it came with the pants.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky:
I see - I mean I really see!

Lazlo:
[to Jimmy] Let me propose something... before you start the killing.

Jimmy Tudeski:
[referring to Lazlo] Jill, tie him up!

Jill:
What am I gonna tie him up for? I'm gonna kill him!