The Witches

Marlene:
[entering the room as they leave] Evening, madam. Just poppin' in to turn down your bed.

Miss Eva Ernst:
How is the room service here?

Miss Irvine:
Diabolical.

Miss Eva Ernst:
Good.

Miss Irvine:
How do you know that woman upstairs?

Miss Eva Ernst:
Come along. Walk downstairs. The elevator is out of order.

[as they walk downstairs the elevator chimes]

Nicola:
Welcome Miss Ernst. Nicola Cuttle.

[Approaches and shakes Miss Ernst's hand]

Nicola:
I have been so looking forward to meeting you. You look marvelous.

Miss Eva Ernst:
Hm... I wish I could say the same for you, Nicola.

Elsie:
[Marlene is crying hysterically] Is she sober?

Mr. Stringer:
Yes she's sober! I've been with her all aftern... When... I... Uh... I saw her w... Yes, of course she's sober! Don't be stupid!

Miss Eva Ernst:
You may remove your shoes! You may remove your wigs! [Grabs her wig with one hand and pulls her face mask down to her eyebrows with the other] The doors- are they locked and bolted?

Miss Irvine:
Locked and bolted, your Grandness.

Miss Eva Ernst:
Good. Help.

Elsie:
Wait! Wait!

[Miss Ernst and the others stop and turn around]

Elsie:
I smell... dogs' droppings.

[all the witches gasp and begin to sniff around]

Woman in Black:
Ugh! The smell!

Miss Eva Ernst:
She's right! Search out this small lump of dung! Find it! It must be exterminated immediatly!

[after zapping a witch into a pile of ashes]

Grand High Witch:
I hope nobody else is going to make me cross today.

Grand High Witch:
Witches of England... You are a disgrace! Miserable witches... You are good-for-nothing worms! Everywhere I look, I see the repulsive sight of hundreds, thousands of revolting little children... I ask you!

[points]

Grand High Witch:
Why? One child a week is no good to me!

Woman in Black:
[stands] We will do better! We will do much better!

Grand High Witch:
Better is no good either! I demand maximum results!

[the Grand High Witch is transforming into a mouse]

Grand High Witch:
I'm not finished with you yet, old woman... Next time...

Helga:
No. Not next time. This time, it's *your* turn!

Luke:
Grandma! Grandma! Wake up, Grandma! Oh please, Grandma!

[Miss Ernst and Miss Irvine enter the room]

Luke:
My grandma!

Miss Eva Ernst:
An old adversary I have discovered... very old...

Luke:
If you hurt my grandma...

Miss Eva Ernst:
Silence!

Helga:
Oh, how I love English hotel teas! Cream cakes, and shortbread, and...

Luke:
No grandma.

Helga, Luke:
No cream cakes.

Helga:
And no shortbread either; it's full of sugar. Soon I will be eating the same diet as your mice.

Henrietta:
Poisoned sweets? We'll wipe them out like weasels!

Miss Eva Ernst:
Who spoke?

Miss Irvine:
[points at Henrietta and laughs] She did!

Henrietta:
It's brilliant!

Miss Eva Ernst:
Poisoned? And you don't mind getting caught, exposed, vilified?

Henrietta:
[nervously] Well, I just thought...

Miss Eva Ernst:
Mindless bumpkin! You blithering bogvumper!

[Henrietta winces in fear]

Miss Eva Ernst:
No wonder that England is swarming with...

[Eva takes a deep breath to keep her cool]

Miss Eva Ernst:
[now calm] Everything you sell that day will have to be treated with my very latest and very greatest magic formula.

[Eva holds out a tiny purple vial, Formula 86]

Miss Eva Ernst:
[points and shouts to enunciate at Henrietta] Witches work only with magic!

[the head chef has started shouting about a mouse in his trousers; the staff are trying to get at it by pulling his trousers off]

Mr. Stringer:
What's going on in here?

[he begins searching around]

Mr. Stringer:
There's nothing much in there!

[throws down the chef's trousers]

Mr. Stringer:
Lot of fuss about nothing!

[after Bruno turned into a mouse as the meeting ends]

Miss Eva Ernst:
Any questions?

Millie:
Madam, what would happen if one of the chocolates we give away was accidentally eaten by a grown-up?

Miss Eva Ernst:
[chuckles uncaringly] Then that's just too bad for ze grown-up.

[after being rejected from the banquet]

Miss Irvine:
I didn't want to be one of them anyway.

Miss Eva Ernst:
[pointing her spoon at Helga as her witches turn into mice, yells] Y-you're doomed, old woman! You're doomed forever!

Miss Irvine:
[spoiler] [after turning Luke back into a human, to Luke's mice, smiles] Off you go, back home to Luke!

Miss Eva Ernst:
What are you doing here?

Miss Irvine:
The banquet, Miss Ernst.

Miss Eva Ernst:
No, no, no, no! You must go to your room and prepare for...

Mr. Jenkins:
Hello!

Miss Eva Ernst:
...tomorrow's flight. Yes.

[Waves to Mr. Jenkins]

Miss Eva Ernst:
Have a good flight.

Miss Irvine:
But it's our banquet!

Miss Eva Ernst:
You are not here to enjoy yourself, you are here as my staff! Go to your room- *now*!

Miss Irvine:
[long pause after Eva Ernst walks off] That's it! I quit!

Miss Eva Ernst:
[Eva Ernst had moved towards a painting. She taps the man in the picture and stares intently] Hmm.

Janice:
You look wonderful, Miss Ernst.

Dora:
We *are* looking forward to this afternoon!

Miss Eva Ernst:
[in disinterest] Mmm.

[walks away, Irvine approaches the painting and prepares to reach for it]

Miss Eva Ernst:
Irvine?

[Miss Irvine reluctantly follows her to the elevator, the man in the painting slowly disappears]

Beatrice:
[to another witch, under her breath] We can't possibly wipe out ALL of them!

Grand High Witch:
Who spoke? Who DARES to argue with me? It was you!

Beatrice:
I didn't mean to argue, your Grandness

Grand High Witch:
You DARED to argue with me?

Beatrice:
No, honestly, it just was a...

Grand High Witch:
A stupid witch who answers back, must BURN till her bones are black!

Beatrice:
No! No!

Grand High Witch:
A foolish witch without a brain, must sizzle into fire and flame! I witch who dares to say I'm wrong, will not be with us... VERY LONG!

[she zaps the witch with her eyes]

[first lines]

Helga:
When your father was a boy like you, and living with me here in Norway, I told him about witches too, so that he would always be aware. Now, the most important thing you should know about real witches is this - now listen very carefully! Real witches dress in ordinary clothes, and look very much like ordinary women. They live in ordinary houses, and they work in ordinary jobs.

Helga:
Witches spend their time plotting to kill children, stalking the wretched child like a hunter stalks a bird in the forest.

Luke:
Did they hunt you? [she shows him her right hand with a missing finger]

Luke:
You said it was an accident...

Helga:
A very unpleasant accident.

Luke:
So if no one's seen the Grand High Witch, how are you sure she exists?

Helga:
[she looks at him] Nobody's ever seen the Devil, but we know He exists, don't we?

Luke:
Yes.

Helga:
For all you know, a witch might be living next door to you.

Helga:
Real witches are very cruel, and they have a highly developed sense of smell. A real witch could smell you across the street on a pitch-black night.

Luke:
She couldn't smell me. I've just had a shower.

Helga:
Oh yes, she could. The cleaner you are, the more a witch can smell you.

Luke:
That doesn't make sense.

Helga:
Oh, yes it does. A dirty child, it is the dirt she smells. A clean child, it is the child.

Luke:
Wow. I'll never have a shower again, and I'll have you for an excuse.

Helga:
Well, just not often. Only once a month is probably safe.

Luke:
So a witch could smell me right now?

Helga:
To me you smell of raspberries and cream. But to a witch, you would smell absolutely disgusting.

Luke:
What kind of disgusting?

Helga:
Like... dog's droppings.

Luke:
I don't believe it.

Helga:
You don't believe it? What's more, to a witch you would smell of FRESH dog's droppings.

Woman in Black:
Hello, young man. What a magnificent tree-house. Did you build it yourself?

Luke:
My dad and I did.

Woman in Black:
[opening her purse] I've got something for you here. Something I think you'll like. [Her eyes glow. Luke gasps]

Woman in Black:
Jump down, and I'll show you.

Luke:
No!

Woman in Black:
What?

Luke:
No, thank you very much.

Woman in Black:
It's worth a lot of money...

Luke:
This is private property.

Woman in Black:
[pulling a snake out of her purse] There's nothing to be frightened of, I just wanted to give you this. I find him on my walks, he's quite harmless. See? Little boys love snakes. Here, he's yours.

Luke:
[calling] Grandma!

Woman in Black:
Look, I'll leave him here if you like, then you can come down on your own and get him. They wriggle away quite quickly... UNLESS you tell them not to. [she whispers to the snake]

Mr. Stringer:
I'm sorry, madam, but I cannot permit mice in my hotel.

Helga:
How dare you say that when your rotten hotel is full of rats anyway?

Mr. Stringer:
Rats? There are no rats in this hotel!

Helga:
I saw one this morning running along the corridor, into the kitchens.

Mr. Stringer:
Madam, you only arrived in the hotel this afternoon.

Helga:
[scoffs] Morning, afternoon, I saw a rat in your hotel, and if matters do not improve, I shall have to report you to the public health authorities.

Mr. Stringer:
Look, madam, I'm not prepared...

Luke:
The cakes in the lounge are nibbled around the edges, too. I can show you.

Helga:
If you are not careful, the health people will order the whole hotel closed before everyone gets typhoid fever.

Mr. Stringer:
You can't be serious, madam!

Helga:
I have never been more serious in my life. Now - will you or will you not let my grandchild keep his hygienic and perfectly harmless pet mice?

Mr. Jenkins:
Thought I'd like to say hello to a fellow philanthropist.

Miss Eva Ernst:
You collect stamps?

Mr. Jenkins:
Charitees. This RSPCC.

Miss Eva Ernst:
What is this RSP...?

Miss Irvine:
[whispers] Cruelty to Children!

Miss Eva Ernst:
Oh, of course, you give money for the little... [gags] children. And... we of course... we also give money for the little... [Irvine holds out a basin for he. Jenkins throws some change into it]

Grand High Witch:
Formula 86: My greatest triumph. A work of... genius. Formula 86! In this bottle, 500 doses, with a delay mechanism that prevents it from working until two hours after it has been taken. [laughs]

Millie:
What does it do... Genius One?

Grand High Witch:
One dose, and the time works to the second. But more than five doses breaks the delay barrier, and the formula works instantly. Child... starts to shrink. The child... starts to... grow fur. Starts... growing a tail! All this happens in precisely twenty-five seconds! Shrinking more... child is no longer a child. [chuckles] Child... is a MOUSE!

Grand High Witch:
This stinking little carbuncle has had five hundred doses! Aha, we are having *Instantaneous* action!

Grand High Witch:
[laughing] Kill him!

Bruno Jenkins:
[enters the convention, points at the Grand High Witch] That lady promised me six whole bars of cream-whipped hazelnut milk chocolate. I've come to collect.

Miss Eva Ernst:
Ladies, may I introduce Bruno? Come up here. I have the chocolate here.

[Bruno does so]

Miss Eva Ernst:
[looks at her watch] I said 6:15, and that is in 15 seconds from now.

[the wicthes laugh as does Bruno]

Miss Eva Ernst:
[looks at Bruno] You are in for a treat.

Miss Eva Ernst:
[laughs] We all are!

[everyone including Bruno laughs]

Bruno Jenkins:
[stops laughing] What's going on?

Miss Eva Ernst:
[gestures him to wait] Just a few moments... Five!

Bruno Jenkins:
I can't even see any chocolate!

Miss Eva Ernst:
[continues as the other witches join in] Four! Three! Two! One!

Bruno Jenkins:
[talks over them] Will one of you please tell me what's up?

Miss Eva Ernst:
ZERO!

[Bruno groans in pain then belches loudly]

Miss Eva Ernst:
We have ignition!

[the witches begin laughing in amusement]

Miss Eva Ernst:
Everybody, look! It's fantastic! It's begun!

[Bruno begins turning into a mouse]

Miss Eva Ernst:
I can't stand it; it's so wonderful! Look at you! It's fantastic!

Marlene:
[to Mr. Stringer] I'll see you later then.

Mr. Stringer:
[hesitates] We're short-staffed tonight. I might be a little late.

Marlene:
[smiles] I can wait.

[Mr. Stringer goes to kiss her until he sees small brown fur on her neck making him leave in disgust]

Marlene:
What is it?

[Marlene looks in the mirror and squeals in horror]

[after being turned into a mouse]

Witch Chef:
[runs in the restaurant to warn the other witches] Don't touch it! It's in the soup! Don't touch the soup!

Woman in Black:
A child!

[she stomps on the mouse killing her instantly]

Miss Eva Ernst:
Good...

Bruno Jenkins:
[after being turned into a mouse, to Mrs Jenkins] You always wanted me to lose weight. Well, look at me now. [Mrs Jenkins cries]