The World's Greatest Lover

Rudy Valentine:
Are you trying to give me fart hailure?

Projectionist:
I'm in the union.

Annie Hickman:
Rudy, what are we gonna do? They think you're a famous movie star. We can't pay for this. Oh, my god! Rudy, Rudy, did you see the bathroom? Rudy, there's seven towels in the bathroom. Rudy, Rudy, we can't afford this.

Rudy Valentine:
Don't talk about money.

Annie Hickman:
But, Rudy, we only have...

Rudy Valentine:
My soul is on fire! Don't talk to me about money!

Adolph Zitz:
Now listen to me very carefully: The women in this country are so sex-starved, they'll accept the first pretty face that comes along and make him a star. Well, what the hell will they do when they hear that Rainbow Studios is going to find the greatest lover in America? I'm talking about someone who will make Rudolph Valentino look like a part-time nurse!

Adolph Zitz:
All right! We'll get lovers from every big city and hick town on the map. Because, gentlemen, I promise you that within two weeks, every male in America between the ages of 17 and 55 is going to stop for a moment and at least think about coming to Hollywood to screen test for the biggest chance of his life - the chance to star in the new Rainbow Studios film: The World's Greatest Lover! Now! How's that for an idea?

Yes Man #1:
Great!

Yes Man #2:
Gweat!

Sven, Yes Man #3:
Great! Yoost great!

[points to the barber]

Barber:
Very good... [fearing the onset of another of Zitz's outbursts] I mean... great!

[Zitz desperately tries to stop himself from strangling the barber again, gives up]

Adolph Zitz:
Too late!

[lifts the barber in air by his neck]

Annie Hickman:
Rudy, you do stick out your tongue when you get nervous, or sometimes you get laryngitis just for a second. But it won't last. These are just little nervous habits because you're so high-strung. They mean nothing. Even the third thing.

Rudy Valentine:
What?

Annie Hickman:
Rudy... it's nothing. It's not even worth talking about.

Rudy Valentine:
What third thing?

Annie Hickman:
Rudy...

Rudy Valentine:
I just wanna know. What third thing?

Annie Hickman:
Well, sometimes - when you get excited - you twist your words around so they don't make sense.

Rudy Valentine:
I do not twist my words around.

Annie Hickman:
Rudy, I wouldn't make up a thing like that.

Rudy Valentine:
I do not do that!

Annie Hickman:
Once in a while. Once in a great while.

Rudy Valentine:
ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME FART HAILURE?

Rudy Valentine:
I don't wanna be Rudy Hickman! I'm selling the furniture, I'm selling the car, I'm changing my name and we're going to Hollywood.

Annie Hickman:
Hollywood?

Rudy Valentine:
Yes. I'm gonna try out for that movie contest.

Annie Hickman:
But, Rudy...

Rudy Valentine:
My Uncle Harry knows people out there. He can help us.

Annie Hickman:
Rudy, there'll be thousands of men.

Rudy Valentine:
I can win it.

Annie Hickman:
They'll be coming from all over America.

Rudy Valentine:
I can win it.

Annie Hickman:
Rudy, they'll be professionals.

Rudy Valentine:
I said I can win it! Now light the bed to out come turn on!

Annie Hickman:
Rudy, I'm frightened.

Rudy Valentine:
You're the one who said you wanted me to try out for this contest!

Annie Hickman:
Well, I do. I do. I just don't want you to get your heart set on winning.

Rudy Valentine:
Do you think I wanna come in 13th?

Rudy Valentine:
Don't can what I and say can't tell me!

Adolph Zitz:
Gentlemen, I am not a child and I do not wish to be treated as one. Is that understood?

Group of yes men:
Yes, Sir!

Adolph Zitz:
Good. Now, here's the question: If you went up to any bum in the street and asked him which is the biggest movie studio in Hollywood, what would he say? Joe?

Yes Man #1:
Well, Rainbow Studios, home of the stars.

Adolph Zitz:
All right now. All right, I don't want any of that baloney. Wes?

Yes Man #2:
I would say Wainbow. Wainbow Studios. It's the wargest and the best.

Adolph Zitz:
Save it. Save that yes-man sh*t. You think I need this kind of babying? Sven?

Sven, Yes Man #3:
Rainbow. Rainbow Studios. I don't think there is any question about that.

Adolph Zitz:
Jesus Christ! Is there not one honest man in this room?

[points to the barber]

Barber:
Oh, uh, Paramount, I guess.

Adolph Zitz:
[Chuckling] That's very interesting. I'm just curious - why would you say that?

Barber:
Because they have Rudolph Valentino.

[Zitz gets off his chair and starts strangling the barber]

Adolph Zitz:
Son of a b*tch! Dog-doo, pee-pee brain! You're a lying traitor, did you know that? You ca-ca-in-your-pants fart blossom, I'll tear your tongue out! I'll tear your tongue out! I'll tear your...

[while viewing the audition reels on a projector]

Adolph Zitz:
When's the final audition?

Yes Man #1:
Friday, Mr Zitz.

Adolph Zitz:
How many 'rotten's have we got?

Yes Man #1:
2300.

Adolph Zitz:
How many 'fairly rotten's?

Yes Man #1:
'Fairly rotten's? 14. Yeah, 14.

Adolph Zitz:
Have we got a 'doesn't stink'?

Yes Man #1:
No, sir.

Adolph Zitz:
We don't have one 'doesn't stink'?

Yes Man #1:
Not yet, sir.

Adolph Zitz:
I can't believe it. All I need is three finalists, and I can't find one 'doesn't stink'?

[Zitz moves to strangle the projectionist in a fit of anger]

Projectionist:
I'm in the union.

[Zitz restrains himself in time]

[Talking to the hotel manager, Tomaso Abalone]

Uncle Harry:
I'd like a baloney.

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
Yes, sir. Right here.

Uncle Harry:
Where?

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
Here.

Uncle Harry:
So where's the baloney?

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
I'm Abalone.

Uncle Harry:
You're a baloney?

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
That's right.

[Pointedly looks at the camera]

Uncle Harry:
Once upon a time there were three bears.

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
Pardon me?

Uncle Harry:
What did you do?

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
When?

Uncle Harry:
How do I know?

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
How do you know what?

Uncle Harry:
By practising constantly.

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
Practising what?

Uncle Harry:
Whatever you want. I can't live your life for you.

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
What is it we're talking about?

Uncle Harry:
Give me a hint.

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
Who are you, sir?

Uncle Harry:
I'm fine. Now where's a baloney?

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
*I'm* Abalone!

Uncle Harry:
I thought you were the hotel manager.

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
I am the hotel manager!

Uncle Harry:
You're the hotel manager *and* a baloney?

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
That's right!

Uncle Harry:
Good. Would you please tell Mr. Rudy Valentine that Uncle Harry is downstairs waiting?

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
And you are, sir?

Uncle Harry:
No, I'm Uncle Harry.

Tomaso Abalone, Hotel Manager:
Ah, it's you!

Uncle Harry:
Gesundheit!

[Turning towards his wife]

Uncle Harry:
This guy could drive you nuts!

Rudy Valentine:
Telling me Valentino you want to Rudolph your touch titties?