The Wrong Box

Queen Victoria:
In recognition of your many and varied services to the crown, I dub thee... [the sword descends too fast] Oh. We are frightfully sorry, Sir Robert.

[Aboard a train engine after a wreck]

First Driver:
Fred?

Stoker:
Yeah?

First Driver:
We haven't heard the last of this.

[Recounting the railway accident]

Joseph Finsbury:
I was in the water closet of the Bournemouth express when it quite unaccountably exploded, thereby extensively damaging the rest of the train. I can't really think that I was to blame, although at the time I was smoking.

Morris Finsbury:
Now what we need is a venal doctor.

John Finsbury:
But - Uncle Joseph's dead! It's too late!

Morris Finsbury:
Not for him, for us! Now, you remember that chambermaid you got into... um...

John Finsbury:
...thing.

Morris Finsbury:
Thing. Who was the doctor who did the, um...

John Finsbury:
...thing. Uh, Pratt, Dr. Pratt.

Morris Finsbury:
Was he venal?

John Finsbury:
I - I didn't like to ask.

Morris Finsbury:
Well, did he do the...

John Finsbury:
...thing. Yes.

Morris Finsbury:
Good.

John Finsbury:
But... what's he got to do with it?

Morris Finsbury:
He's part of the plan. Now you and I are the only two people in the world who *know* that Uncle Joseph is, uh...

John Finsbury:
...thing.

Morris Finsbury:
...dead.

[the doctor, owner of dozens of cats, is coughing]

Doctor Pratt:
I'm all right; it's just a fur ball; it's nothing. Strangely, I haven't had fur for a fortnight.

Doctor Pratt:
Well, it'll cost you five shillings.

Morris Finsbury:
Price is no object.

Doctor Pratt:
Right. Ten shillings, then. Payable in advance.

Morris Finsbury:
I collect eggs, Doctor.

Doctor Pratt:
Eggs, yes. Oh, I enjoy an egg myself, yes. They don't make good pets, though; you can never get them in at night.

[about parents]

Julia Finsbury:
Oh, I only knew mine vaguely. My father was a missionary. He was eaten by his Bible class.

[last lines]

Detective:
All right, come on, come on, what's going on? Come on, what is it? Come on!

Clergyman:
Please, sir, I beg of you, there's a dead man here.

Detective:
All right, no one move! [long pause while he realizes it's a church burial] Finsbury?

Michael Finsbury, Julia Finsbury, Masterman Finsbury, Joseph Finsbury, Morris, John Finsbury:
Yes?

Detective:
MORRIS Finsbury!

John Finsbury:
[turning Morris around and pointing at him] Yes.

Detective:
Morris Finsbury, I arrest you for stealing ?100,000.

Lawyer Patience:
But the money has been returned, sir.

Detective:
Who are you, sir? Some sort of accomplice?

Lawyer Patience:
Certainly not: I am his solicitor.

Detective:
Oh, you've brought your solicitor with you, have you? Yes, I've met your type before.

Lawyer Patience:
No, no, no. I mean, I, I, I'm the administrator of the tontine.

Detective:
Tontine?

Joseph Finsbury:
Named after Lorenzo Tonti, a Neapolitan banker.

Detective:
And who are you, sir?

Joseph Finsbury:
I...

Masterman Finsbury:
[interrupting] He's nobody. He's my young brother.

Detective:
And who are you, sir?

Masterman Finsbury:
None of your business, sir!

Detective:
I shall have you arrested for indecent exposure!

Julia Finsbury:
Oh!

Michael Finsbury:
My grandfather was recently buried, sir.

Detective:
And who are you, sir?

Julia Finsbury:
He is Michael Finsbury.

Detective:
And who are YOU, madam?

Michael Finsbury:
She is Julia Finsbury, shortly to become... Julia Finsbury!

Detective:
Young man, did you know there was a body in the piano?

Peacock:
I did it.

Detective:
Who is he?

Michael Finsbury:
He is the butler, sir.

Detective:
The butler did it?

Michael Finsbury:
No, sir. I put the body there.

Detective:
Is this true?

Michael Finsbury:
Yes sir.

Detective:
In that case, you are entitled to a reward of ?1,000. You are responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just end.

Michael Finsbury:
A, a thousand pounds? Oh, but I-I-I don't, I don't deserve it. The body just arrived in a barrel.

John Finsbury:
I sent it.

Detective:
And who are you, sir?

Morris Finsbury:
He is of diminished responsibility, officer. It was all my doing. If there's any justice in this naughty world, the reward is mine.

Detective:
And WHO are YOU?

[falls into open grave]

Morris Finsbury:
You remember me - Morris Finsbury. I was falsely accused of stealing a hundred thousand pounds, whereas in fact it was me, and me alone, who was responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just desserts.

Detective:
[barging into a funeral] Alright, come on, come on, what's going on, what is it, come on, come on!

Clergyman:
Please, sir, I beg of you. There's a dead man here!

Detective:
Alright, no one move!

Peacock:
[a grand piano jammed in a doorway] You know what that is? That is stuck. That is what that is.

Michael Finsbury:
[examining a Classical Greek statue] Is it a fraud, Peacock?

Peacock:
Life is a fraud, Master Michael.

John Finsbury:
Morris! Do you realize it's a criminal offense to wear that coat?

Morris:
I'm not wearing any *trousers*!

John Finsbury:
...but that too is a criminal offense!

Joseph Finsbury:
[carrying on a one-sided conversation with the Bournemouth Strangler] Ahh, the avocational activities of man are many and varied. Some demand skill - yours for instance! Carpentry... the playing of games with balls of various sizes!

Morris Finsbury:
I was wondering - do you by any chance happen to have any - uh - death certificates?

Doctor Pratt:
Do I happen to have any death certificates? What a monstrous thing, sir - what a monstrous thing to say to a member of the medical profession! Do you realize the enormity of what you have just said?

Morris Finsbury:
Yes. Do you have any death certificates?

Doctor Pratt:
How many do you want?

Joseph Finsbury:
[riding with the Hackett funeral party] It is, as you know, a statistical fact that in London one person dies every twenty-five seconds - which means that it is extremely probable that one of us may not even live to arrive at the ceremony!