They Came from Outer Space

[Bo and Abe are using a old pirate map to search for buried treasure]

Abe:
Sixty-one, sixty-two, sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five... Whoa! Cozy Cove Yacht Club? Now where do we go?

Bo:
Well, according to the map, we go ten more paces this way and four paces to the east and the treasure is buried somewhere beneath this building.

Abe:
Oh, great.

Bo:
Why would pirates bury a treasure underneath a building?

Abe:
To increase the property value.

Abe:
Waiter, we would like a table with a view of the marina, please.

Jeffrey:
Ah, every table has a view of the marina.

Bo:
In that case, we'd like a table with a view of her.

[camera pans to a beautiful blonde sitting on the patio]

[Bo, Abe and Jeffrey plan to search the club's basement for hidden pirate treasure]

Bo:
One for all!

Abe, Jeffrey:
And all for one!

Abe:
Why do I get the feeling it's not going to go according to plan?

[after listening to the boys, conversation, Renick pulls a pistol from a desk drawer]

Renick:
One for all... and all *for me*.

Renick:
I'm glad you've taken such an interest in the subterraean features of our yacht club, because you're going to spend your remaining days buried alive in this chamber.

Abe:
Hey, I don't mind doin' a few dishes or cleanin' a few fish to pay for what I draw the line at being buried alive!

[first lines]

Bo:
Ah, fresh air, sunshine and doughnuts! Life is good, Abe. Life is very good.

Abe:
I hate to admit it, Bo, but you are absolutely right. This is truly a beautiful Earth day.

Bo:
I wonder what they're doing up on Crouton.

Abe:
Well, Bo, it's hard to say. This time of year, they're usually working on the zittle harvest. Mom is probably whipping up a fresh batch of zittle dumplings.

Bo:
Oh, and Dad will get out his special knife and carve little characters out of the zittle cores. You know, I've had my run-ins with Dad, but I've got to give him one thing. The man knows how to whittle a zittle.

Sylvia Vincent:
Wake up and smell the warden, will you? You can go to prison for embezzling two million dollars!

[Bo and Abe enter a salon run by an effeminate hair dresser]

Tab:
Deliveries are in the rear.

Bo:
I bet.

Rene:
What are you two doing here?

Bo:
Well, we came here for jobs, but we'd settle for inhaling next to you.

Val Vincent:
That's what apprenticeships are for - to give young, energetic people a chance to get their foot in the door. Isn't that right, fellas?

Rene:
But they don't have any experience.

Val Vincent:
Well, I'm willing to bet they're very quick studies.

Rene:
[points to Bo] This one is weird.

Val Vincent:
Well, since when has being *weird* been a hindrance to our profession?

Rene:
Let me see if you can handle this.

Bo:
You know, the last girl who said that to me made me wear chaps and spurs.

Rene:
As I mentioned before, apprentices start out doing the least desireable jobs around the salon.

Bo:
Like menial labor.

Rene:
Exactly. Like sweeping hair...

Abe:
Check!

Rene:
...scrubbing sinks...

Bo:
Check!

Rene:
...shampoos and facials...

Abe:
Check!

Rene:
...laundry...

Bo:
Check!

Rene:
...and cleaning the toilets.

Bo, Abe:
CHECK!

Rene:
Do you guys take anything seriously?

Abe:
Food.

Bo:
Women.

Abe:
Women with food.

Bo:
Naked women without food.

[pulling a hairdryer from his gun holster]

Val Vincent:
Nobody move or I'll blow their hair dry!

Rene:
Bo, Abe, how can I ever thank you?

Bo:
Back to the sauna!

[first lines]

Bo:
I don't know how I let you talk me into this.

Abe:
You're going to like it, Bo. The gallery at the Westfield Gardens Hotel is famous. It holds the largest collection of Orville Odom photography in the world!

Bo:
Nudes?

Bo:
Landscapes!

Bo:
That's us in a nutshell, Abe. I like blondes; you like ponds.

Abe:
I can think of worse things than being used as guinea pigs.

Bo:
Yeah, like being used as a gerbil.

Dr. Felicia Ramsey:
Looks like it's just you and me, Janine and I've got the feeling this convention isn't big enough for the both of us.

Abe:
Heh! You should see her without her girdle.

Bo:
No you shouldn't.

Bo, Abe:
Ewww!

[first lines]

Bo:
Ah, California. Look, Abe, beautiful weather, beautiful women, breathtaking scenery, breathtaking women, the lure of the sea, the lure of beautiful women. I say it's time to stop being observers and start being participants.

Lt. Col. Tom Barker:
Well if it isn't Quincy Sullivan, purveyor of doom, gloom and sleaze.

Abe:
I'm going to find a place that specializes in serious birthday chow-chow-chow.

Bo:
OK OK, but I'm telling you, it's going to cost at least six bucks and the cooks will have cleavers instead of cleavage.

Lt. Col. Tom Barker:
They look harmless, but try to remember they come from an advanced civilization. They're capable of untold horrors. Right, Wilson?

Lt. Pat Wilson:
That's right! Now remember, whatever you do don't damage them. We prefer to do our own dissections.

Lt. Col. Tom Barker:
Oh, yes, one other thing to remember - when they're not chasing mindless bimbos, they're stuffing their faces. You know, when one of them gets kind of turned on, the other one emits smoke.

Abe:
Look at that! A to Z Smorgasbord! I'm going to start with "A" for apple dumpling and work my way down to fried zucchini.

Bo:
I'm going to start with "H" for hickey and work my way to the hard consonants.

Tracey:
Tie her up!

Lacey:
Oh, come on, Tracey, we can work this out.

Tracey:
No way. This time I come out on top.

Bo:
Great, because I love to be on the bottom.

Abe:
You know, you girls are turning sibling rivalry into an Olympic event.

Tracey:
Well, Daddy always liked her best.

Lacey:
No way. Daddy bought you bigger guns.

Bo:
A true test of love.

Tracey:
Well, Daddy got you karate lessons.

Lacey:
Well, Daddy took you boar hunting.

Tracey:
Daddy paid for your tattoos.

Abe:
We're dead meat.

Bo:
Look on the bright side.

Abe:
Oh, there's a bright side?

Bo:
We could have been caught by Daddy.

Tracey:
Gag her.

[tasting the birthday cake Bo made for Abe]

Quincy Sullivan:
Chicken liver and butterscotch... that's downright other worldly.

[Tracey, fingering a large knife, is enraged because Abe reminds her of an old unfaithful boyfriend]

Tracey:
It's time to even the score.

Bo:
Uh, ah, I happen to know that the Air Force pays a lot less for body parts than it does for complete aliens.

Abe:
Do you mind if we ask you where you're taking us?

Tracey:
Yeah, I mind.

Bo:
I guess it safe to assume we're not going to like it.

Tracey:
Well, that depends. Do you enjoy pain and suffering?

Abe:
Whose?

Tracey:
Yours.

Bo, Abe:
We're not going to like it.

[last lines]

Abe:
Hey, where are we going?

Bo:
Well, Lounge Lizard Magazine recommends Rocco's Tacos. It's about half a mile down the road. It's the place where the women are topless and the chili bowls bottomless.

Abe:
Are you ever going to learn?

Bo:
Ariba Ariba!

Abe:
I guess not.

Bo, Abe:
[singing] La Cucaracha! La Cucaracha!