Thirteen Ghosts

Dennis Rafkin:
(notices multiple of the ectoplasmic doors are open) What the hell? Give me those! (takes Maggie's glasses) Let me see. Why are these open? I was down here before. They weren't open.

(the Hammer spikes the ectoplasmic wall frame with his hammer)

Dennis Rafkin:
Oh, God! I hate it when they do that!

Maggie:
Do what?

Dennis Rafkin:
They wait for your to stick your face right up against the glass! And then give you a big, fat boo!

Raftkin:
Oh. Oh boy.

Maggie:
What?

Raftkin:
Uh, that's the symbol of The Jackal.

Maggie:
What's The Jackal?

Raftkin:
The Jackal is the Charlie Manson of ghosts and if The Jackal's out, screw the kid! We gotta get out of this basement!

Maggie:
(The Angry Princess walks toward Maggie with a butcher knife) Where? I can't see sh*t without the glasses, idiot!

Raftkin:
...Well, I can see. And I think you should go this way. Go, go, go, go! (as they run down another hallway)

Raftkin:
There are ghosts in the basement!

Maggie:
(points down) In this basement?

Raftkin:
Of course in this basement! What is it with you people? If it were next door, I wouldn't give a sh*t!

Raftkin:
(psychically probes the junkyard, then yells out in pain) You son of a b*tch! You said he only killed 9 people! There's over 40 victims here!

Cyrus:
Nine when he was alive, he's added a few since then.

Kalina:
Who are you to play god?

Cyrus:
Playing is for children.

Maggie:
Bobby,don't call your sister a slut.

Kathy:
Thank you, Maggie.

Maggie:
I prefer the term b*tch.

Arthur:
He wasn't too popular. My dad said he squandered the family fortune.

Kathy:
We have a family fortune?

Arthur:
Well, no. Cyrus squandered it.

Maggie:
Hey Bobby, isn't that great? You got a late uncle.

Bobby:
What is he late for?

Kathy:
His next birthday.

Bobby:
(excitedly) You mean he's dead?!

Kathy:
Now we get his attiention.

Raftkin:
I know this is gonna sound completely whacked, but just- just stay with me, okay? I used to hunt displaced spirtual energies with your uncle.

Arthur:
I'm sorry?

Raftkin:
Uhh, P.K. agents. Revenants. Uh, uh, uh - Like wraiths. Wraiths? Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?

Arthur:
(chuckling nervously and shaking his head No) Uhh...

Raftkin:
That's okay - that's okay. I'll do it the easy way. Ghosts. I used to hunt ghosts with your uncle Cyrus.

Arthur:
(after a long pause) Goats?

Raftkin:
GHOSTS! Ghosts! Goddamnit, listen to me!

Arthur:
I told them not to leave this spot.

Raftkin:
What do you expect? They're kids.

Arthur:
Well thank you, Dr. Phil.

Raftkin:
I hate this job.

Kalina:
It doesn't seem to like you much either. Wonder why.

Raftkin:
If you have something to say, just say it.

Kalina:
Oh okay then...why don't we start with: This is all your goddamn fault!!! If you didn't catch them we wouldn't be running from them now would we?!

Raftkin:
It's his uncle that built the damn house!

Kalina:
Yeah, but you helped him! How could you help him without knowing what he was doing?

Raftkin:
I had my reasons.

Kalina:
Money, you parasite! You stole people's souls for money. How depraved is that?

Rafkin:
If you hadn't noticed. I'm a little bit of a freak! I come within ten feet of anything dead I go into seizures. I touch somebody and a whole life full of sh*t flashes in front of my eyes; alright so yeah I'm depraved and Cyrus was my friend and he accepted me so...

Kalina:
He did't accept you, you're so pathetic! He used you!

Arthur:
Shut up, both of you. Cut him some slack. What difference does it make?

Kalina:
You didn't tell him, did you?

Arthur:
Oh god, tell me what, what now?

Kalina:
About the fourth ghost.

Raftkin:
No, don't do this. I didn't tell him. Don't do this.

Kalina:
He has a right to know!

Raftkin:
What about the fourth ghost?

Kalina:
St. Luke's hospital, six months ago.

Arthur:
You're saying my wife's spirit is trapped in this house?

Raftkin:
I didn't know you. I didn't know her. I didn't know she had a husband.

Arthur:
Why in God's name? Why? Tell me why her!

Raftkin:
I don't know why. Cyrus handpicked them all, including your wife. When I found out who you were, God, I've been trying to help you.

Arthur:
You call this help? She's right, this is all your goddamn fault!

Ben Moss:
Now he's gonna tell you that Cyrus owed him money.

Raftkin:
He did owe me money. He owed me a sh*t load of money!!!!

Kalina:
(looking up) We gotta go.

Arthur:
I'm not leaving without my kids!

Kalina:
(still looking up) Try telling him that.

Raftkin:
Quite a place you've got.

Kathy:
Yeah. We're moving in!

Arthur:
(holds up key) Well...one step at a time.

Bobby:
Dad! You broke it!

Kathy:
Bobby. Give it a rest.

Raftkin:
S-stop!

Maggie:
W-what??

Raftkin:
D-don't move! Don't speak! Somehow....we are behind enemy lines.

Raftkin:
Hey little guy. (holds up hand) How?

Maggie:
I don't think you should be doing that!

Raftkin:
Shut up!

Maggie:
YOU shut up! You're the one who keeps pissing him off!

Dennis Rafkin:
I'm getting my ass out of a big glass house!

Dennis Rafkin:
In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit of a freak! I get within 10 feet of anything dead, and I go into seizures. I touch anyone and a whole lifetime of sh*t just flashes in front of my eyes! So yeah, I'm a little depraved!

Dennis Rafkin:
(as Arthur startings to decend down the steps to the basement) What are you doing? What did I say? Did I say there's a petting zoo downstairs? Nooo, there are ghosts downstairs, Arthur.

Dennis Rafkin:
Hey Glass Family Robinson! You're wasting your breath! This is ectobar glass, it's soundproof.

Dennis Rafkin:
Oh Cyrus, you crazy son of a b*tch. What did you do?

Maggie:
This is it for me. I'm on the first f***in' plane back to Newark. Uh-uh. I am sorry, family, Kathy, Bobby, uncle , ghosts. I am sick of this nanny sh*t. I've had it. This was not in the job description. I quit!!!

Maggie:
(talking to herself) Stuck in here, bunch of crazy white people...

Maggie:
Did the lawyer split?

Kalina:
We have 10 minutes until the ectoplasmic sh*t hits the fan.

Kalina:
I've got enough explosives to blow us back to the fifteenth century.

Kalina:
W-why are you so mad at me? I did everything you asked me to do. I've killed Damon, I stole the book and spells. I even made sure your pathetic nephew didn't get himself killed.

Kalina:
Looks to me like I'm saving your ass!

Maggie:
Miss Maggie does not do windows.