This Is Where I Leave You

Judd Altman:
It's hard to see people from your past when your present is so cataclysmically screwed up.

Penny Moore:
You used to laugh at my jokes.

Judd Altman:
No, I didn't.

Penny Moore:
Yes, you did.

Judd Altman:
Yes, I did, but your jokes used to be funnier.

Hillary Altman:
You can't leave this house; we're sitting shiva.

Wendy Altman:
Mom, you're sitting in the exact same spot we put our Christmas tree.

Phillip Altman:
Sometimes I think you're too good for me.

Tracy Sullivan:
Don't be silly, I'm definitely too good for you.

Paul Altman:
Dad always had a soft spot for him.

Judd Altman:
I think he liked us because we're a lot like him; he liked Phillip because he's nothing like him.

Judd Altman:
I don't understand the Shiva. Mom's not even Jewish, and dad was an atheist.

Wendy Altman:
A Jewish atheist, and this is what he wanted.

Horry Callen:
Brain injury. There are things I can't do.

Judd Altman:
Like what?

Horry Callen:
Like remember what the hell it is I can't do.

Wendy Altman:
Don't worry about Chelsea. Philip's skanky ex-girlfriends are a dime a dozen.

Tracy Sullivan:
Do they all have to look like Victoria's Secret models?

Wendy Altman:
She's not that hot.

Tracy Sullivan:
Oh, come on! I would do her.

Wendy Altman:
Yeah. I wouldn't say that in front of my brother.

Phillip Altman:
Dad was a stoner?

Judd Altman:
No, it was probably medicinal.

Phillip Altman:
It always is.

Judd Altman:
I'm gonna have to forgive her for the sake of that kid, aren't I?

Phillip Altman:
Well, I'm no expert... but I think you're gonna have to make much larger sacrifices down the road.

Judd Altman:
Three months ago I had a great job and a nice apartment and I was in love with my wife.

Wendy Altman:
No, you weren't.

Judd Altman:
No?

Wendy Altman:
No. She was sleeping with somebody else for a year and you never noticed... How in love could you have been?

Judd Altman:
Yep... That's fair.

Wade Beaufort:
Stop chasing tens. Bang a four. Bang a five. Look at the gratitude in their face. You be the best part of their year.

Phillip Altman:
Boner is a man of God now. I see Mom's new tits are present and accounted for

Wendy Altman:
So, you are going to sleep with Penny, so you can forgive Quinn, and then get back on the road more traveled, and forget you ever got off.

Judd Altman:
We've come apart there Mom. Could you please close that robe, please. Cover it!

Hillary Altman:
They are just breasts, Judd. The same ones you suckled at.

Judd Altman:
No Mother, those are not the same breasts you nursed us with. Those are... those are... you've got bionic breasts now.

Hillary Altman:
Your Father didn't see it that way. He used to like to put his penis...

Judd Altman:
Jesus Christ, Mother. Thank you

Wendy Altman:
You need to put a baby in that woman, like yesterday.

Paul Altman:
I'm working on it.

Wendy Altman:
Have you had your man parts checked?

Paul Altman:
Come on, not now Wendy.

Wendy Altman:
You may have emptied them over the years... My room was next to yours... My room was next to yours.

Penny Moore:
You coming in?

Judd Altman:
Should I?

Penny Moore:
I would.

Quinn Altman:
Hi Phillip

Phillip Altman:
Quinn. I always knew there was something of a cold hearted slut in you

Quinn Altman:
It takes one to know one.

Phillip Altman:
Touch?, Pussycat.

Judd Altman:
What's the matter with you. Do you ever think before you speak?

Phillip Altman:
No, that would take all the fun out of it.

Judd Altman:
You can't possibly know it' mine.

Quinn Altman:
Trust me, it's yours.

Judd Altman:
Well, strangely, trust is not the first impulse I have when it comes to you.

Phillip Altman:
Sorry I'm late

Judd Altman:
You're a dick.

Phillip Altman:
Yeah, tell me something I don't know.

Judd Altman:
Your shirt is on inside out.

Phillip Altman:
That, I did not know

Linda Callen:
It would be a terrible mistake to go through life thinking that people are the sum total of what you see.

Phillip Altman:
I'm not selling you my shares. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I want to run the store with you.

Paul Altman:
How exactly do you think you can add to the business?

Phillip Altman:
I can help you grow it. New locations, and, and expanded lines. What?

Paul Altman:
The only thing you've ever grown is weed.

Hillary Altman:
And he was very good at it.

Paul Altman:
[On phone to Annie] Calm down... Calm down... CALM DOWN. I'm coming home, I'm coming home. [to everyone] I have to go have sex.

Judd Altman:
Oh.

Wendy Altman:
You know, in some cultures, people actually enjoy sex.

Paul Altman:
Well, not when it's on a schedule.

Paul Altman:
Judd dated Annie for 6 months, I've been married to her for 6 years. At what point are you going to stop being an a**hole about it.

Phillip Altman:
I don't know, maybe at the point it stops bugging the sh*t out of you.

Phillip Altman:
Ah, well, we would be partners actually, after I bought Judd's shares.

Paul Altman:
Buy? Little brother, you can't even buy a suit.