Three Musketeers

Porthos:
You, boy, are arrogant, hot tempered and entirely too bold. I like that. Reminds me of me.

Aramis:
Don't encourage him. By helping us the boy has made himself an outlaw as well.

Athos:
Not if he leaves Paris right now.

D'Artagnan:
I can't leave now, I just got here.

Porthos:
Go home. Find a wench, raise fat babies, live a good long life.

D'Artagnan:
What about the motto of the Musketeers? All for one and one for all.

Athos:
Wake up boy. The Musketeers are just a dream.

Porthos:
Rochefort. Isn't that a smelly kind of cheese?

King Louis:
You've failed.

Cardinal Richelieu:
Oh, you're so naive. Things couldn't be more perfect if I planned them myself. The King of France dies at the hands of his own personal guard. Grief stricken, terrified, the hudled masses turn for comfort to their devout spiritual leader who, ever so humbly, assumes the throne. With the Queen by his side.

Queen Anne:
I would rather die!

Cardinal Richelieu:
That can be arranged!

Cardinal Richelieu:
Homesick?

Queen Anne:
Cardinal Richelieu. You surprised me.

Cardinal Richelieu:
I often have that effect on people. I can't imagine why, I'm really a very gentle person. You seem a little unhappy in your new home.

Queen Anne:
Lonely. Is that the same thing?

Cardinal Richelieu:
Austria's loss is France's gain.

Queen Anne:
I'm not sure the King shares your opinion. We've barely spoken since our wedding day. Whenever we're together he seems so... uncertain.

Cardinal Richelieu:
Arranged marriages can be difficult. Your father and I thought yours would bring Austria and France closer together.

Queen Anne:
Well countries align more swiftly than people, I'm afraid.

Cardinal Richelieu:
What a pity. Love is, I think... wasted on the young.

Milady:
There was a time when I would have given my life for a kind word from you.

Porthos:
A lively tune... I'm inspired to dance!

King Louis:
This world is an uncertain realm, filled with danger. Honor underminded by the pursuit of power, freedom sacrificed when the weak are oppressed by the strong. But there are those who oppose these powerful forces, who dedicate their lives to truth, honor, and freedom. These men are known as Musketeers. Rise, D'Artagnan, and join them.

Athos:
Only a fool would try and arrest us twice in one day.

Guard:
You're under arrest.

Aramis:

Guard:
Are you coming peacefully or do you intend to resist?

Porthos:
Oh don't be so stupid, of course we intend to resist! Just give us a moment, all right?

Porthos:
Five of them, three of us. Hardly seems fair.

Aramis:
Maybe we should give them a chance to surrender.

D'Artagnan:
Excuse me, but there's four of us.

Athos:
It's not your fight. You're not a Musketeer.

D'Artagnan:
I may not wear the tunic, but I believe I have the heart of a Musketeer.

Porthos:
Warrior!

Aramis:
Poet!

Athos:
You got a name, boy?

D'Artagnan:
D'Artagnan.

Athos:
Athos, Porthos, Aramis.

Porthos:
Pleased to meet you again.

Aramis:
Pleasure.

Porthos:
Everyone acquainted?

Porthos:
NOW, we are prepared to resist you!

D'Artagnan:
So what do we do now? What's next?

Porthos:
Well, we protect the King.

Aramis:
Protect the Queen.

Porthos:
In the name of God. And France, correct?

Aramis:
France indeed.

Girard:
D'Artagnan! My sister's honor will not wait a moment longer.

D'Artagnan:
I'll handle this.

Porthos:
D'Artganan, we also protect each other.

D'Artagnan:
All for one.

Aramis:

Athos:
And one for all.

Girard:
RUN!

D'Artagnan:
As morning hues of sunswept...

Aramis:
Fire!

D'Artagnan:
...fire caress your... poisoned face.

Porthos:
I declare, the boy's a natural!

Porthos:
Champagne?

Athos:
We're in the middle of a chase, Porthos.

Porthos:
You're right - something red.

Porthos:
This sash was a gift to me, from the Queen of America.

D'Artagnan:
There's no queen of America!

Porthos:
I beg to differ, infant. We're on quite intimate terms, unless you can prove otherwise.

Porthos:
The picnic was delicious, the champagne was excellent, remind me to send the Cardinal a note.

Cardinal Richelieu:
All for one. And more for me.

Cardinal Richelieu:
He is becoming as troublesome as his father.

Rochefort:
He is a foolish boy and barely that.

Cardinal Richelieu:
That foolish boy is about to become a man which is all the more reason for us to act quickly. Have our loose ends

Cardinal Richelieu:
been tied up?

Rochefort:
Two patrols have been sent.

Cardinal Richelieu:
I trust, Captain Rochefort, that you are doing everything in your power to rid us of these rebels. Don't let having only one eye impair your vision. The loss of the other could be most... inconvenient.

Aramis:
We must pray for our sins.

Aramis:
On second thought, God's awful busy.

Aramis:
Only the wrong words are waste of time. the right words can make a more lasting impression than a thousand of Porthos's kisses.

Barmaid:
Not likely.

D'Artagnan:
Shakespeare.

Aramis:
Aramis.

Porthos:
Cheating.

Porthos:
Come D'Artagnan, we're saving the King!

Porthos:
Ah ha! The Cardinal's sacred snack chamber.

Aramis:
And what have we here? Is he a man of God or a man of gold?

Athos:
Where have you been?

Porthos:
Taking care of something ugly!

Aramis:
I think not!

Cardinal Richelieu:
A word of caution, milady. A snap of my fingers, and you could be back on the block where I found you.

Milady:
And with a flick of my wrist, I could change your religion.

Cardinal Richelieu:
You're very persuasive.

D'Artagnan:
WAIT!

Cardinal Richelieu:
You object to losing your head?

D'Artagnan:
Yes, I like it where it is!

Cardinal Richelieu:
Then tell me what I want to know, and maybe you will keep it a while longer!

D'Artagnan:
I don't know where they are.

Cardinal Richelieu:
And if you did?

D'Artagnan:
I wouldn't tell you...

Cardinal Richelieu:
I admire your courage, D'Artagnan. You might have made a great musketeer. But now we'll never know - will we?

Girard:
D'Artagnan! Don't lose your head!

Aramis:
Fear not, my son, we are with you, always... all for one...

Porthos:
God, I love my work!

D'Artagnan:
Pirate?

Porthos:
I told you I was famous.

Aramis:
Ah, thank you. You broke my fall perfectly. I do apologize for the inconvenience.

D'Artagnan:
Get off me!

Aramis:
If there's one thing I can't abide, it's rudeness.

D'Artagnan:
You fell on me!

Aramis:
And I apologized for it.

D'Artagnan:
Well your apology is not accepted.

Aramis:
I hope your sword is as quick as your mouth.

D'Artagnan:
It's quicker.

Aramis:
Ah, a duel then.

D'Artagnan:
A duel.

Aramis:
Meet me by the Carmes-Deschaux Monastery at two o'clock.

D'Artagnan:
I'll be there.

Aramis:
As will I.

D'Artagnan:
Three duels in one day. Hmm.

Cardinal Richelieu:
Milady De Winter. Your beauty would make even the most chaste of men think of... impurity.

Milady:
I don't believe you suffer the burden of chastity.

Guard:
What is this?

Athos:
We are having a private party celebrating the demise of the Musketeers. Go away.

Aramis:
Athos. Is that any way to greet our guests? Gentlemen, don't be shy, come in. Your friends have been expecting you.

Guard:
You are under arrest.

Athos:
Under whose authority?

Rochefort:
Mine.

Aramis:
Ah. Hello again, Cyclops.

D'Artagnan:
What's he doing?

Athos:
Last rites. Aramis takes death very seriously.

D'Artagnan:
Is he a priest?

Athos:
He used to be one of the Cardinal's students.

D'Artagnan:
Why's Athos sitting by himself?

Aramis:
He takes his drinking very seriously. Not to worry; he'll be his usual charming self by morning.

Porthos:
Did I miss anyone?

Aramis:
Congratulations, Porthos. You brought down the house.

Porthos:
Oh, drat. I was trying to hit Rochefort.

Athos:
You go back and you tell the Cardinal we will continue to perform our sworn duty, which is to protect the King, and we will use every means within our power to fight him.

Rochefort:
Bold words. I look forward to ramming them down your throat.

Athos:
Richelieu!

Cardinal Richelieu:
You're too late, Musketeers! By now the Duke of Buckingham's signature is next to mine! The alliance is complete!

Athos:
That would be difficult, considering the treaty never left France!

Cardinal Richelieu:
A minor problem!

D'Artagnan:
The Cardinal! We have to hurry!

Porthos:
You two have a date?

D'Artagnan:
No, it's the Cardinal! He's conspiring against the King!

Aramis:
Tell us something we don't know.

D'Artagnan:
He sent a messenger with a secret treaty to a man named Buckingham.

Porthos:
The Duke of Buckingham?

D'Artagnan:
Do you know him?

Aramis:
He rules England the way the Cardinal rules France.

D'Artagnan:
There's a ship called the Persephone. It's waiting in Calais to take the messenger to England. It sails Tuesday, midnight.

Porthos:
If we get that treaty, we can prove the Cardinal guilty of treason.

Aramis:
Calais is over 200 leagues from here.

Athos:
Is the Cardinal aware of the fact that you have this information?

D'Artagnan:
Yes.

D'Artagnan:
All I want to do is get to Paris, and join the King's Musketeers.

Girard:
You, a Musketeer? Fantasy!

D'Artagnan:
My father was a Musketeer. The King's personal bodyguard.

Girard:
The King was assassinated. Your father was a failure; a disgrace to the Musketeers.

D'Artagnan:
What did you say?

Girard:
Your father was a disgrace!

Cardinal Richelieu:
One thousand gold pieces on each of their heads, dead or alive!

Cardinal Richelieu:
I prefer dead!

Porthos:
How's your head D'Artagnan?

D'Artagnan:
I'm beginning to wish the Cardinal *had* chopped it off. Will you stop whistling please?

Porthos:
I'm not whistling.

D'Artagnan:
Well somebody's whistling.

Porthos:
Barmaid's kiss left him dizzy.

Aramis:
I hear it too. Sounds like a

Athos:
Cannon ball!

Porthos:
Oh I *hate* cannon balls.

Aramis:
The treaty outlines the Cardinal's plans to forge an alliance with Buckingham.

Porthos:
No mention of the King?

Aramis:
None. However, the arrangement is contingent upon a demonstration of the Cardinal's power.

D'Artagnan:
Demonstration? What kind of demonstration?

Aramis:
I don't know.

Athos:
I know someone who does.

Cardinal Richelieu:
Remember, Kings come and Kings go but one thing remains the same. And that is me.

King Louis:
You look beautiful.

Queen Anne:
Thank you.

King Louis:
Is something wrong?

Queen Anne:
Cardinal Richelieu.

King Louis:
Yes?

Queen Anne:
He is an evil man.

King Louis:
Do not believe every rumour you hear. He is powerful.

Queen Anne:
I ride through the countryside every day, I've seen the uses of his power.

King Louis:
Power sometimes frightens.

Queen Anne:
Here in the Palace I have seen it too.

King Louis:
I know.

Queen Anne:
What shall we do?

King Louis:
I don't know, but we will do it together.

Athos:
The King's life is in danger. We have work to do.

Prisoner:
Burn in Hell!

Cardinal Richelieu:
You first.