Ticks

[Tyler asks Panic a question as he watches Panic steal out of Rome's bags]

Tyler:
Did you ever kill anybody?

Panic:
What kind of a question is that?

Tyler:
A pretty direct one.

Panic:
All right. I've killed about as many dudes as you've boned chicks. You make the call.

Tyler:
Whew. That many? Wow.

Panic:
[Tyler walks off as Panic tells himself] The kid's all right.

[Tyler meets Panic for the first time]

Panic:
See, they call me Panic 'cause I never do. How about you?

[Jarvis finds his dead hamster after it was killed by a tick]

Jarvis Tanner:
[Jarvis holds up the bloody rodent] Oh. Dude, you're all messed up!

[Mr. Danson, Tyler, and Dr. Kates try and capture the tick in her office]

Dr. Kates:
[Dr. Kates squashes the tick dead] When in doubt, squish!

[Jarvis Tanner falls on top of Dee Dee with half of his face bubbling]

Jarvis Tanner:
[Jarvis screams] I'm infested!

[Panic and Jerry get in a fighting match]

Jerry:
[Jerry jumps on top of Panic with a knife] Squeal and die!

[the two fight as Panic gets on top of Jerry]

Panic:
[Panic begins to repeatedly punch Jerry in the face] I'll f***in' kill you! You gonna skin me? F*** you! Come on! Come on! You f***! You country f***!

[Sir shoots his pistol all over the ceiling of the cabin as the ticks crawl everywhere]

Sir:
[Screaming] Stinkin' bugs!

[first lines]

Tyler:
[Mr. Burns drops off his son Tyler at the designated pick-up stop] Dad, please don't make me do this.

Mr. Burns:
Tyler, it's for your own good. I checked out this program. Miss Lambert's helped a lot of kids. I... I think she can help you, too. Okay? Tyler?

Mr. Burns:
[Tyler gets out of the truck looking back] I'm doing this because I want you to get better.

[Tyler meets Melissa for the first time at the pick-up spot]

Melissa Danson:
Adults. Don't believe a word they say. You're gonna hate this trip more than I will.

[Tyler meets Dee and Rome at the pick-up spot]

Rome Hernandez:
[Rome slams on the breaks of his car] See that sh*t! Stops on a dime! Dee, how much did this thing cost?

Dee Dee Davenport:
Uh, Daddy said the IRS paid for it.

Rome Hernandez:
Since it was so cheap I asked her old man to buy me one, too. 'Only if you drive it to Mexico,' he says. 'And stay there!'

Rome Hernandez:
[Rome looks to Tyler] Do I look Mexican to you?

Tyler:
[Tyler looks around not knowing what to say] Yeah.

[Tyler shoots the basketball to Panic's game]

Panic:
[Tyler shoots the jump shot and makes it] Again.

Tyler:
I made it.

Panic:
Yeah, well, I wasn't looking.

Panic:
[Tyler makes the shot again] Lucky shot. Again.

Tyler:
[Panic passes Tyler the ball] It's your turn.

Panic:
[Tyler passes Panic the ball] Oh, so you make the rules now, huh?

Tyler:
[they're ride honks the horn to pick the two up] Yeah, I do. Game's over.

[Tyler and Panic find their first tick]

Tyler:
It's a tick. Vampires of the insect world.

Panic:
Uh. That sucker's nasty.

Tyler:
Got a match or something?

Panic:
Yeah. Hold on.

Tyler:
My grandfather told me this. They're too tough to squash.

Panic:
[Tyler lights the match on the tick as it flames up] Damn.

[the kids arrive at the Campgrounds Lodge]

Rome Hernandez:
This is it. This place looks worse than the projects.

Dee Dee Davenport:
Definitely not cable-ready.

Melissa Danson:
Wait till you check out the toilette, princess.

Rome Hernandez:
Do we got to actually sleep in this dump?

Panic:
Give me a dark alley over this place, anytime. This place ain't right, man. It's too quiet. It's too goddamn quiet.

[Rome walks up to the lodge carrying all of Dee's bags]

Rome Hernandez:
What am I, the valet? What the hell you got in here, Dee Dee?

[Rome and Panic get into the beds of their shared bunk bed]

Rome Hernandez:
Hey! Man, this place reminds me of Boy's Republic back in juvenile hall.

Panic:
[Panic screams like a kid] What!

[Charles Danson records into his tape recorder the different experiences of each kid at the lodge]

Charles Danson:
7-18-93. We have just arrived at the campsite. My partner Holly having made this trip several times prior, is the only person in our group possessing any real outdoor survivalist skills. The rest of us bring only our every-man-for-himself instinct fostered by urban living. As I expected, the subjects' first reaction was one of disassociation.

Charles Danson:
[Rome is shown lifting a tree log for a weight] There's Rome and Dee Dee, hastily converting this new environment into their own, and both returning to what is no doubt habitual behavior.

Dee Dee Davenport:
[Dee Dee tries to get her portable radio to work as she looks up at the mountains] Sh*t.

Charles Danson:
[Panic throws an ax into the campground sign] And then, there's Panic. A perfect model of aggressive dysfunction. He cannot accept this radical change so instead, assaults it.

Charles Danson:
[Kelly sits on a tire swing] And poor Kelly, a prisoner of her own troubled mind. In the end, I fear this group will not successfully bond, despite their common antagonist. In this case, nature.

[Tyler and Melissa take a walk together in the woods]

Melissa Danson:
You must think I hate everything, huh?

Tyler:
No, actually I, uh... you must like coming up here with your dad, huh?

Melissa Danson:
No, I hate it. I hate this place. I mean, everybody says coming out to nature is supposed to be a poetic and inspiring experience, right? What is so inspiring about bugs and insects and snakes and creatures of the night making all that racket? It's suffocating and it's vile, and it's full of rot.

[Tyler and Melissa come back from they're stroll in the woods]

Tyler:
Melissa got attacked by some big bug or something. Can we go home?

Charles Danson:
Well, we are out in the wilderness.

Tyler:
No, I know, but this wasn't your average wilderness bug, okay?

Melissa Danson:
No, wait, this thing was, like, glued to my back or something. It was gross, it was all slimy, it was like a, like a...

Rome Hernandez:
Like a big snot!

[Holly tells the kids what to do if they see any bugs]

Holly Lambert:
Just don't touch it if you don't know what it is.

Melissa Danson:
Don't touch it? It attacked me.

Holly Lambert:
Oh, come on, guys. Bugs don't attack unless they're aggravated.

Tyler:
Great. Classic story. The adults not believing the kids. Thanks.

Panic:
I should've brought a piece, man. This place ain't safe.

[Jerry asks Charles Danson about the kids]

Jerry:
These all your kids?

[Jerry and Sir laugh repeatedly while walking out of the campsite]

Panic:
I knew I should've brought a piece, man.

[Dr. Kates takes the tick outside of the dog Brutus' stomach]

Dr. Kates:
Where the hell did you people come from?

[as the tick starts wiggling its arms in the air]

[Mrs. Lambert tries to ask Rome and Dee to go out fishing]

Rome Hernandez:
What are you trying to get rid of us?

Holly Lambert:
No. I just think it's time you guys had fun together.

Rome Hernandez:
Hey. I'm having too much fun already.

Holly Lambert:
[Rome chuckles at Mrs. Lambert] Dee, what about you?

Dee Dee Davenport:
[Dee lays on her back tanning] Oh, I got to stay in the shade. You know, that ozone thing.

[Sir and Jerry arrive at the cabin with the kids, surrounded by ticks outside]

Sir:
Uh... What seems to be the problem over here?

Charles Danson:
[Sir looks at the hallucinating Dee Dee] She was bitten by one of those bugs.

Jerry:
Yeah.

Jerry:
[Jerry chuckles] They bite like a son of a b*tch.

[Sir holds both the shotgun and Tyler by the hair]

Sir:
People, please refrain from further stupidity. You're wasting my bullets.

[Sir threatens Mrs. Lambert and Charles Danson to give him the keys]

Sir:
If I don't have the keys to the van in my hand, like, pronto. I'm going to feed you folks, one by one, to our hungry friends outside.

Jerry:
[Jerry chuckles] Say, 'Yes, Sir. It's dinnertime!'

[Sir and Jerry chuckle together]

[Jerry attempts to go for the van surrounded by the ticks outside]

Jerry:
[Jerry turns around to tell Sir at the cabin door] Help me, Sir. Don't make me do this.

Sir:
[Sir kicks Jerry in the back, screaming] Get the van!

[Tyler volunteers to jump out the second floor window pass the fire, pass the ticks]

Rome Hernandez:
What, are you nuts?

Tyler:
No, man, look. My panic disorder is acting up. I gotta get out of this room, okay?

Charles Danson:
Are you gonna be okay, Tyler?

Tyler:
Yeah, we'll all be okay. We just need to get out of here.

Rome Hernandez:
Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Tyler:
Sure, man. I mean if I can manage to swing out far enough, and defy the laws of gravity, and meet the van on the backswing?

Tyler:
[Tyler chuckles to himself] I'll need a torch.

[last lines]

Rome Hernandez:
[the group watches the cabin explode as they escape in the van] Yeah, sucker!

[Rome puts his arm around Dee Dee, Mrs. Lambert puts her arm around Kelly]

Melissa Danson:
[Melissa puts her arm around Charles] Oh, dad.

[Tyler sits in the front seat, driving them all back to the city, as it's revealed that the van has a tick egg attached underneath it]

[Jerry pulls the knife out of his leg that Panic stabs him with]

Jerry:
[Jerry starts to chuckle] I'm gonna carve you a new one boy!

[Jerry see's all of the crop cash weed getting burned up in the field]

Jerry:
Our weed! It's gettin' all burned up!

Sir:
Forget about it!

Jerry:
[Sir pulls Jerry as he screams] The weed! The weed!