Time Flies

Tommy:
That's the Professor's timeball, Susie. We can make it fly Back to Methuselah, or forward to the space of Things to Come.

Tommy:
Why! Mr. South America. I thought you were in Hamilton. I mean, Mr. Hamilton, I thought you were in, er, South America.

Mr. Hamilton:
[with Irish accent] Whatta yer doin' with my champagne?

Tommy:
Ay-o-i-er... I was just going to launch a battleship, only, somebody's stolen it.

Bill Barton:
[looking down on Earth] Ooh, look Susie! North and South America...

Tommy:
It's a small world, I always say.

Bill Barton:
...and the Far East.

Tommy:
And, Mae West.

Tommy:
Bring me some food and wine! But don't bother about the food!

Capt. Walter Raleigh:
[looking at Tommy's jewellery and accessories] Gold. Silver. Diamonds. Didst have to dig deep for them?

Tommy:
No. Just lifted them from the suckers.

Capt. Walter Raleigh:
"The suckers"? A native tribe?

Tommy:
There's one born every minute. What's the time now?

Capt. Walter Raleigh:
What would I not give to go to thy country?

Tommy:
That's a boy, Wally! So you shall. I'll fix you up with a lecture tour. What a time you'll have with the gals!

Capt. Walter Raleigh:
"The gals"? Another native tribe like "the suckers"?

Susie Barton:
If this is a dream I wish someone would pinch me.

A Soothsayer:
[locked in a pillory] I will!

William Shakespeare:
[writing whilst eating a loaf of bread] Ah, "He laughs at wounds who never... had... a scar". Mmh. Ah, curse the crumbs. "He, jests, at crumbs... ." Oh, no, no, no.

Susie Barton:
[unannounced from balcony] "He jests at scars that never felt a wound."

William Shakespeare:
Perfection itself! "He... ." Who spoke? Who art thou?

Susie Barton:
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet?"

William Shakespeare:
But another perfect line! Er, it's not one of Francis Bacon's, is it?

Susie Barton:
Ooh, no, no, no, no, no. Er. "Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?" Aren't you missing your cue? You're supposed to climb the ladder.

William Shakespeare:
Yes, of course. That's what Romeo would do. Hmmm.

Susie Barton:
Easy to see you've never played this scene before.

William Shakespeare:
Why, 'tis only now I write it.

Susie Barton:
[singing] Hey there bellman, get into your steeple. It's time for whoopee...

Tommy:
Listen tosspot! How dare you bottle my best friend in bitter. Don't you know it's a crime to waste wallop in wartime?

Queen Elizabeth:
Thou dost *own* the Americas?

Tommy:
All the Stars and most of the Stripes.

Tommy:
[auctioning off the Americas] Going, going, gone! Sold for a thousand guineas to the Earl of Jersey! There you are, Jersey. Stick that up your jumper. I'm calling you Jersey after you.

Queen Elizabeth:
This Manhattan territory... is mine!

Tommy:
Sold! Shall we put it down to 500 guineas?

Queen Elizabeth:
Your reward shall be greater than that! I hereby appoint you: *First* Gentleman of the Bedchamber.

Tommy:
But, but I've already got a handle to me name. But... b-, whose, er, whose bedchamber is it?

Queen Elizabeth:
Our *Rrroyal* Bedchamber.

Tommy:
Oh, couldn't I have the 500 guineas?

Queen Elizabeth:
No!

Tommy:
[handing Queen Elizabeth a photograph of the White House] That's my weekend cottage in Washington.

Tommy:
[crooked gambling the Royal Court] The more you put down, the more you'll pick up. There is no hocus. There is no pocus. And no smoke or smell comes from the land but the bun goes round. Here it is. There it goes. Now watch it, folks. Watch it. Is it in heaven? Is it in hell? The dimmed elusive fall beneath the shell. Keep your peepers on the ball, folks. That's what you have to do. There is no jiggery. No pokery. Now, Your Majesty. Under which shell is the little ball hiding this time?

Queen Elizabeth:
[after Tommy has taught her the racket] Come, Dame Margaret. Thou shalt pit thy wits against mine. The stake - shall be the baulbles thou wearest. Keep thy peepers on the little ball.

Dame Margaret:
But, Your Majesty, I, ah...

Tommy:
You heard.

Queen Elizabeth:
Aye. Thou heardest.

Susie Barton:
[disguised as Capt. John Smith and impersonating his voice] I am the scourge of the Seven Seas. [reverting to her natural Brooklyn accent and voice] Anybody wanna make somethin' out of it?

Queen Elizabeth:
[to Susie Barton who is disguised as Capt. John Smith] Then, Captain Smith, it will please thee to know that thy shipmate hath *sold* the Americas to us.

Susie Barton:
Oh, he hath, hath he?

Tommy:
Yeth.

Queen Elizabeth:
I have improved on thy game. The little ball lurks not under any shell. I have cast it awaaayyy.

Tommy:
Well, I... it's lucky I didn't teach you strip poker.

Bill Barton:
Red biddy must have hollow legs.

Tommy:
Hiawatha! Winnitoka. Molakatoni. Kalamazoo.

Bill Barton:
Oogie-woogie. Heidi-ho. Root-toot-toot and a suit-suit.

Tommy:
[leading Susie Barton, Bill Barton, and the Professor in a singsong] Dear old pals, jolly old pals, always together in all sorts of weather. Dear old pals, jolly old pals, give me the frrriendship of deeaaar ollld paaaaaals.

Queen Elizabeth:
Let the witch speak!

Susie Barton:
What'd you call me?

Bill Barton:
No, no, no, nooo. She said a "witch".

Susie Barton:
Oh. Very well. We'll kickoff with a song.

Captain Of The Guard:
Thou art not one of my men; yet I seem to have seen thy face before.

Tommy:
Oh, polygations-orfdog-n-elly-gethanthems-unsense.

Captain Of The Guard:
What sayest thou?

Tommy:
I said: thyhyperbole-arlford-ron-titty-benonsense.

Captain Of The Guard:
Ay?

Tommy:
Er, er, look! Ther-sithy-um-besinth. Er, er. Camrens, er, bloody-confreys. Camrens. Allaputes-shushi-cuppasoon. Orla-pchinla-thn.

Burleigh:
What is afoot?

Tommy:
An ankle turned up at the end.

Tommy:
[leading the Royal Court in a singsong]... All the red-hot Indian Mommas/Love to spend their Indian Summers/Smoking shag and listening to his song...

Tommy:
We seem to be sailing through clouds with knobs on.