TiMER

[first lines]

Brian:
Am I late?

Oona:
Hi! No. Yes, 5 minutes, but who's counting.

Brian:
We are, right?

Matchmaker Patty:
Brian Thompson, male, 33. Wow, how'd you get this far without a TiMER?

Brian:
I'm from Oklahoma.

Matchmaker Patty:
Um hmm, say no more.

Local News Anchor:
[overlapping narrations] If a clock could count down to the exact moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know? That's the claim of manufacture's of a new devices called, the TiMER. The next evolutionary step in computer match making, the TiMER lets you know when your perfect match has entered you life...

Scientist:
...discovered that all humans are on a path to true love, implanted just after the onset of puberty, and powered by body heat, the TiMER monitors level of oxytocin, the hormone of love...

man:
...it zeros-out at midnight the night before, and then the next day it could go off at any second, and you get your soul mate...

CEO:
Are you tired of sitting around waiting for love? Your days of watching and wondering are over. Say goodbye to heartache and disappointment. Now you can be on the clock - true love on a schedule. Introducing TiMER, and revolutionary device that tells you not only *who* your soul mate is, but *when* you'll meet them. TiMER, take the guess work out of love.

Steph:
[answering phone, trying not to wake her one-night-stand] What?

Oona:
Why are you whispering.

Steph:
I'm not.

Oona:
Where are you?

Steph:
Church.

Oona:
Call me back when you've found your underwear.

Dutch:
[about stern doctor] In the service we had a name for men like that.

Steph:
Pricks?

Dutch:
Cocksuckers.

Steph:
Better. How's it hangin' Dutch?

Dutch:
Down to my knees, angel. You keep your head up...

Oona:
[approaching her father's house] Think he'll recognize me?

Steph:
You grew b*obs, not a new head.

Oona:
Do you think the TiMER actually works, or is it just a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Oona:
I don't have what I want! And I know what you're thinking, that it's moot, that I've already zeroed out, that we already know who my supposed one is, that it's too late, and there's no going back, and it's a pointless gesture, right? That's what you're thinking, right?

Mikey:
No, I'm wondering if moot is a real word.

[last lines]

Dan the Man:
You should get a late start more often...

Steph:
Yeah, blazing hot anonymous sex is super-tedious.

Oona:
What time do you get off?

Mikey:
What?

Oona:
Do you want me to repeat it?

Mikey:
Yes, into the loudspeaker, if you don't mind.

Oona:
Believe me when I tell you, this is your one shot, so make it count.

Mikey:
Now, now, I get off now...

Mikey:
If I'm a p*ssy, I'm about to have the best lesbian sex of my life in there.

Oona:
Umm. I'm gonna go... and, you're gonna stay here and be mad and you can sulk all weekend long if you want to. But, come Monday morning, you have to come home. You HAVE to come home, because you are my favorite person in the whole world. And you were my One before any of these boys showed up, and it's just not worth it without you.

Mikey:
Is there a scar?

Oona:
There will be. You scarred me.

Mikey:
But in a good way.

Oona:
In a good way.