To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar

Vida Boheme:
Your approval is not needed.

Noxeema Jackson:
Approval neither desired nor required.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
[to Vida] Go on Vida and talk to him, you speak honky!

Carol Ann:
Vida I do not think of you as a man and I do not think of you as a woman [pause] I think of you as an angel.

Vida Boheme:
I think that's Healthy!

Noxeema Jackson:
That might be all fine and dandy but still have a lot more to learn before you become a full fledged Queen, my dear.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Can't I just stay a princess they're so much younger than Queens

[laughs]

Noxeema Jackson:
Does everything have to be a joke with you, this is not a masquerade! This is real life! There are steps to becoming a Queen.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
I'm sorry. How many?

Noxeema Jackson:
Four! There are four steps to becoming a Drag Queen.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Don't be stingy tell me what are they!

Vida Boheme:
Patience mon cheri. You will know when you've done them. Noxeema our Dutchess of Protocol will inform you.

Noxeema Jackson:
[laughs sarcastically] That's right just sit back. Auntie Vida's gonna make you a big ol'queen don't you worry.

Sheriff Dollard:
[to the other cops] Shut up! Just shut up! I'm gonna bring back three corpses here! And when you look up their dresses, if you don't find something you shouldn't find, I don't know what!

Vida Boheme:
Carol Ann, if we're going to be friends, there really is something I should tell you...

Carol Ann:
Adam's Apple?

Vida Boheme:
What?

Carol Ann:
Adam's Apple. Women don't have Adam's Apples, only men have Adam's Apples. The first night that you came to town I noticed that you had yourself an Adam's Apple.

Vida Boheme:
Then, then you know?

Carol Ann:
I know, that I am very fortunate to have a lady friend who just happens to have an Adam's Apple.

Carol Ann:
I love you Ms. Vida Boheme!

Vida Boheme:
[hugs Carol Ann] I've waited my whole life to hear those words said to that name. And I'm very, very, very happy that you're the one to say them.

Bobby Lee:
Are you serious about Bobby Ray, Miss Chi-Chi?

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Baby, you can have him. I've got a million dream lovers, alright. I've got a broken heart for every light on Broadway. And when one of them goes out, I just screw in another one, okay, hello good-bye.

Noxeema Jackson:
[to Clara] Ms. Vida seems to think that I don't have a dream. Well, honey, I'm not Martin Luther King. I don't need a dream. I have a plan. You know I'm gonna tell you what it is, because instinctively I knew I could trust you, being as you're not a big talker and everything. My plan is that while in Hollywood I will be approached by an imminent producer, at The Ivy no doubt, to star in the lush film version of the Life of Ms. Dorothy Dandridge. Yes that noble blacktress, who never played domestic help. And then who's career was crushed by the white Hollywood machine.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
You know what Vida, you're not a queen because you rule people or you sat on a throne, baby. You're a queen because you couldn't cut it as a man so you had to put on a dress, that's why.

Vida Boheme:
[gets up] What did you say?

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
[putting on lotion] You heard me.

Vida Boheme:
[walks toward Chi-Chi] I've had quite enough...

[wig catches on hanging decorations and falls off]

Noxeema Jackson:
[looking around at all the rich houses] Ohhh, there will be a barbeque at 12 Oaks tonight.

Sheriff Dollard:
I know what you want. Do you know what you career girls want?

Vida Boheme:
Careers?

Sheriff Dollard:
Same things every girl wants.

Bobby Lee:
[while Vida, Noxie, and Chi-Chi are putting make-up on her] I know, I know, that is Ms. Anne Baxter in the Ten Commandments and those are the moves.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
I didn't ask to come on this trip, did I? No, I don't think so! Did I ask you to be making me over and jump all kinds of hoops like some circus poodle? No, I don't think so! Do I want to go to jail because of some cop killer? No, I don't think so! So as soon as we get to the next town I am jumping on the first man and riding him all the way to New York City and away from you two puckered up, stuck up putas 'cause this trip sucks! It sucks!

Vida Boheme:
After all we've done to include you, you would leave us so quickly?

Vida Boheme:
Chi-Chi, you just sit right here. I am going upstairs to have a talk with Miss Noxeema. We will be right back.

Noxeema Jackson:
I am not going upstairs with you. I ain't drivin' you no more, Miss Daisy!

Noxeema Jackson:
Little latin boy in drag, why are you crying?

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
It's just cause the two of you are so pretty, you know. You're so pretty.

Vida Boheme:
Yes, of course we're pretty, but why are you crying?

Noxeema Jackson:
Maybe she just found out Menudo broke up.

Noxeema Jackson:
When a straight man puts on a dress and gets his sexual kicks, he is a transvestite. When a man is a woman trapped in a man's body and has a little operation he is a Transsexual.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
I know that.

Noxeema Jackson:
When a gay man has way too much fashion sense for one gender he is a drag queen.

Vida Boheme:
Thank you.

Noxeema Jackson:
And when a tired little Latin boy puts on a dress, he is simply a boy in a dress!

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
How do I look?

Noxeema Jackson:
Like the Miami Sound Machine just exploded all over you!

Vida Boheme:
I feel like Miss Jayne Mansfield in this car.

Noxeema Jackson:
Oooh, Jayne Mansfield. Not a good auto reference.

Crazy Elijah:
Ladies, please, I implore you. For your own safety, go with the Toyota Corolla.

Vida Boheme:
Well, pumpkins, looks like it's the age-old dilemma. Style... or substance.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
[to the roughnecks] If I was your bread, would you be my butter?

Noxeema Jackson:
[to Chi-Chi] Step four: Larger than life is just the right size.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
I'm the Latina Marilyn Monroe. I've got more legs than a bucket of chicken!

Vida Boheme:
Now she's gonna get herself kidnapped by some mountain man and we will have to rescue her.

Vida Boheme:
What in gay hell?

Vida Boheme:
Internal combustion, the ultimate accessory.

Vida Boheme:
Maps are for cheating.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Don't do that! Don't do that! What are you doing?

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Vida, how come you never told us you were rich, mama?

Vida Boheme:
I'm not rich, my parents are.

Vida Boheme:
[to Noxeema] And who would think that this ebony enchantress would one day share a title with moi?

Vida Boheme:
I think tomorrow is a "Say Something" hat day.

Vida Boheme:
[to Noxeema] It's like living in a Tex Avery cartoon.

Vida Boheme:
[to Noxeema] You know, pumpkins?

Noxeema Jackson:
What?

Vida Boheme:
Sometimes it just takes a fairy.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
I'm a loser, I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate everything!

Vida Boheme:
Oh no! No You're a winner, why you look like! You are a winner!

[first lines]

Vida Boheme:
Ready or not, here comes mama!

Vida Boheme:
[to Noxeema & Chi-Chi] Here is where they asked young Miss Vida to stop imitating Esther Williams in Million Dollar Mermaid, thus marring the Methodist annual picnic.

[after Billy Ray comes to ask a girl out]

Vida Boheme:
I declare.

Bobby Lee:
I declare.

Carol Ann:
*I* declare.

Noxeema Jackson:
I decline.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
I think maybe he's prejudice-said.

Noxeema Jackson:
I'll bet you were the brightest in your class, weren't you?

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt:
Oh, my God, I'm like a compass near north.

Noxeema Jackson:
Thank you.

Bobby Ray:
Don't cry, Miss Chi-Chi, please don't cry... Miss Chi-Chi, if you were my girl, you'd never cry for anything, except... maybe... for happiness.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
You said a mouthful

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
[as Vida beats up Virgil] There's something you need to know about Vida... She...

Noxeema Jackson:
[quickly] Vida works out. Yeah, Vida works out.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
A lot!

Vida Boheme:
Oh, Carol Ann, what on earth...?

Carol Ann:
I'm just so clumsy. I mean... Virgil yelled at me. I mean, he called out to me. And, well, I just spilled the stew.

Vida Boheme:
Hun, do you like, ever, not cry in this room?

[possibly dead Sheriff Dullard is looking for the owner of a frilly shoe]

Clara:
Can I have my shoe please?

Sheriff Dollard:
[disbelieving] You're a drag queen?

Clara:
Nothin' this pretty could be real.

Noxeema Jackson:
[to Tommy] Do you like my nails?

Vida Boheme:
Noxeema, you remember John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt?

Noxeema Jackson:
[shakes hand] Oh yes, his name is my name too.

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt:
Do people always shout? I hate that.

Noxeema Jackson:
[about Chi-Chi] Look at her, runnin' like she's runnin' cross the border!

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
I'm a princess. "P" to the "R" to the "N" to the "cess". I'm a princess. Latin mystery, dark and sister-y. Princess Chi-Chi.

Vida Boheme:
[after Chi-Chi gets upset about being called a Boy in a dress] You have the potential of a lifetime and you are squandering it.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
So what do you care?

Vida Boheme:
Yes you will start off a mere boy in a dress, but by the time we are done with this crusade your Auntie Vida and your Auntie Noxee will give you the outrageous outlook and indomitable spirit that it will take to make you a full-fledged Drag Queen.

Vida Boheme:
So now, I want you to turn your swayback little self around on those Robert Clergerie Knockoffs and get back in this car.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Maybe I'm not just a boy in a dress.

Vida Boheme:
All right you are... a Drag Princess.

Noxeema Jackson:
This America does not respond kindly to our sort of person.

Vida Boheme:
[sees a picture of Julie Newmar in the reflection of her compact mirror] Oh! No one say anything frivolous for the next few moments. I am having a significant experience.

Noxeema Jackson:
[waves her finger in a twirling motion] Whoopy!

Vida Boheme:
Look, Miss Julie Newmar has been watching silently over this entire conversation. And look at her, vintage Miss Julie. She is the perfect, the ultimate... oh! Try to describe her and not use the word "statuesque". Oh, Miss Julie, you are statuesque and you were the only Catwoman. Oh, read it please.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
"To Wong Foo, Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar." Who was Wong Foo?

Vida Boheme:
I don't know but evidently they were close.

Noxeema Jackson:
I've had enough of this conversation, I'm hungry.

Vida Boheme:
We must take this message from Miss Newmar with us across the land as our sovereign token.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Let's just relax. It's gonna be alright.

Noxeema Jackson:
I wish I was back in the club car, now we're driving across America.

Carol Ann:
This is the presidential suite.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Must've been one of those bad presidents.

Tommy:
Baby, you are a whole lot of woman... and I know what you need.

Noxeema Jackson:
I hardly think you're the man to give it to me.

Rachel Tensions:
[after seeing a man wrapped in chains] I don't know who he is, but if there's a snowstorm tonight, he's going on my tires.

Noxeema Jackson:
If you want them to know there is steak for dinner, you got to let them *hear* it sizzle! Understand?

Bobby Lee:
Yeah.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Lets throw you two a pity party. Two fraidy ol' ladies. You gotta live live before it lives you, you stupid... You gonna be second class you gonna be second rate your whole life.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
[to Vida] Uh uh I'm not sleeping with the Wicked Witch of the West's toenails in my face and your Godzilla breath on me, no way!

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Get with the program mijas, no one is so rich as to throw away a friend.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
[to Vida and Noxeema] Mamies! Don't quote me but I think this one is decease-ed.

Noxeema Jackson:
Why do I feel like I'm in the Tournament of Roses Parade?

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Because you're as big as a float.

Noxeema Jackson:
Your mother.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Thank you.

[from trailer]

Vida Boheme:
Think of it as 'Easy Rider' in dresses.

Bobby Ray:
Well ladies, welcome to Snydersville.

Vida Boheme:
Thank you.

Vida Boheme:
So, I gather you like hitting ladies.

Virgil:
Some ladies need to get hit.

Vida Boheme:
Well then, it stands to reason that some men need to get hit back. [slaps him]

Bobby Lee:
Thanks.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
I gotta go. I got cramps.

Sheriff Dollard:
When the founding fathers wrote the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, what have you. "Liberty and justice for all", they didn't mean that.

Farmer:
I can tell you one thing about them founding fathers of America.

Sheriff Dollard:
What's that?

Farmer:
They sure had fabulous wigs.

[last lines]

Announcer:
Presenting the crown, Miss Julie Newmar.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
?Ay, nenita! Look! Look at this! Look what I found!

Noxeema Jackson:
Golly, golly, golly.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
The seats are like butter.

Noxeema Jackson:
Now this is a car.

Vida Boheme:
A car? Mary Alice Louise, no. This is a land yacht.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
You know, I used to know a lawyer guy who had a car just like this, and I said right then and there I was gonna have one for myself. Vida, can we have this?

Noxeema Jackson:
But we daren't.

Crazy Elijah:
Please, it's a wreck, ladies. Be careful with the... It'll never get you to California!

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
It's the look!

Vida Boheme:
Now, Noxee, how could you possibly refuse?

Noxeema Jackson:
You know, Vida, you were absolutely right.

Vida Boheme:
About what?

Noxeema Jackson:
I mean, now I realize that... you gotta take chances. Because you never know, you know what I mean? I mean, what the hell! I'm not gonna worry about if people accept me or not. I'm gonna make Hollywood wherever I am at.

Vida Boheme:
I would like...

Noxeema Jackson:
Stand up, Vida.

Beatrice:
This is my Aunt Martha's dress. I thought you could use it. She was real big on the shoulders.

Noxeema Jackson:
Thank you, girl.

Vida Boheme:
Oh, sweet pea. Now, you listen to your Auntie Vida. I want you to believe in yourself, imagine good things and moisturize, I cannot stress this enough.

Clara:
Miss Noxeema.

Noxeema Jackson:
Miss Clara.

Clara:
Now, listen, when you get to Hollywood, you give this letter to Mr. Robert Mitchum.

Noxeema Jackson:
Oh, I will, I will, I promise you. I'll guard it with my life. Thank you. I'm gonna miss you.

Clara:
I'm gonna miss you, too.

Noxeema Jackson:
Good bye.

Clara:
Bye.

Noxeema Jackson:
I hope she leaves me those albums in her will. Alright, let's see. Can I hear it?

Tommy:
Good afternoon.

Noxeema Jackson:
Sounds wonderful. And look at the shirt, the shirt is fierce, and the hair is working. Get along now. You take care. Be good to yourself.

Merna:
Vaya con dios, Miss Chi-Chi.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
You ruin my language and I still love you.

Loretta:
These all grow wild around here.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
You all grow wild around here. This reminds me of the story of Princess Laritza in 'Revenge of the Wench'. Seem everyone was giving her flowers because they thought she was dead, right? But she had taken this magical concoction...

Loretta:
Well, anyway, bye-bye.

Merna:
Bye.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Bye.

Noxeema Jackson:
[from trailer] Look, I'm sorry about the way the civil war turned out.

Vida Boheme:
Enchant?.

Sheriff Dollard:
[to Vida] You're so tall.

Sheriff Dollard:
I know there are drag queens in this town!

Sheriff Dollard:
[sitting in a bar, talking to himself] Men, acting like women. Men wanting to be with one another, men touching each other. Their stubbly chins rubbing up against one another. Touching each other. Manly hands touching swirls of of chest hair. An occasional wiff of a rugged aftershave. Their low, baritone voices sighing, grunting. They hold one another in manly, masculine arms. Hold one another. Tight.

Noxeema Jackson:
You obviously have me mistaken for Miss Rosa Parks.

Vida Boheme:
Since you have obviously learned nothing, I am hereby stripping you of all your princess points. [exaggerated ripping up and throwing away motions]

Noxeema Jackson:
Oooooh! That's voodoo.

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Maybe if somebody gave me back my "Princess" points, I would do the hitchhiking thing and get us a ride.

Noxeema Jackson:
How're you gonna hitchhike, huh?, if there are no cars, stupid?

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Well, you don't know me very well, do you, Creepella? I'm the Latina Marilyn Monroe. I got more legs than a bucket of chicken.

Vida Boheme:
Now she going to herself kidnapped by some wild mountain man and we will have to rescue her.

Noxeema Jackson:
Why she always have to have the last word, huh?

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Maybe if somebody gave me back my "Princess Points", I would do the hitchhiking thing and get us a ride.

Noxeema Jackson:
How you gonna hitchhike, huh?, if there are no cars, stupid?

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez:
Well, you don't know me very well, do you, Creepella. I'm the Latina Marilyn Monroe. I got more legs than a bucket of chicken.

Vida Boheme:
Now, she's going to get herself kidnapped by some wild mountain main and WE will have to rescue her.

Noxeema Jackson:
Why she always gotta have the last word, huh?

Noxeema Jackson:
Hi! I'm Noxeema Jackson. Jesse's daughter.

Noxeema Jackson:
Ooh, Miss Clara, we gonna make you look like Emma Peel!

Noxeema Jackson:
I think I'm gonna black out. [she faints]

Vida Boheme:
[to Sheriff Dollard] When a lady says no, she means... get your hand off my dick, buddy!

Vida Boheme:
Sheriff Dullard...

Sheriff Dollard:
It's Dollard... with an "o."

Vida Boheme:
Well, it says "Dullard" on your badge.

Sheriff Dollard:
It's a misprint!

Vida Boheme:
Excuse me Jimmy Jay.

Jimmy Joe:
Joe.

Vida Boheme:
Sorry, Joe Jay.

Jimmy Joe:
No, Jimmy Joe.

Vida Boheme:
All right, Ladies. Operation Decorator Storm!

Vida Boheme:
Virgil is beating up Carol Ann.

Noxeema Jackson:
Sounds like...

Vida Boheme:
Well, we have to help her.

Noxeema Jackson:
No. There are times when you help people, and there are times when *if* you help people you might get killed, so you *don't* help people.

Beatrice:
Hello, Loretta.

Loretta:
Hello. [keeps walking past]

Beatrice:
[to Noxeema] Alcoholic. Low self-esteem. Why, her daddy used to call her "baby ugly." She took to the bottle just as soon as she could drink.

Virgil:
[to Carol Ann] Actin' real proud of yourself just like a New York City girl.

Let good thoughts be your sword and shield. —Noxema

"You were the brightest in your class, weren't you?"

- N Jackson