Top Cat

Professor Zimbach:
[admiring a contemporary painting] This man has artistic temperament, like Van Gogh. You know, the painter who cut off his ear and sent it to his girlfriend.

Top Cat:
Oh, yeah, to ask her why he hadn't heard from her.

[On a visit to the park, the gang breathes in pure air]

Spook:
[coughing] It's too fresh, T.C.! Like give me some of that stale stuff anytime!

Top Cat:
Spook, I deplore your attitude. You have no respect for the great outdoors, for the birds and the bees...

Brain:
Speaking of the birds and the bees, where're the girls, T.C.?

Fancy-Fancy:
Yeah, you told us the park was loaded with chicks! So far, all we've seen are two pigeons!

Benny the Ball:
And even those were boys.

Top Cat:
You're not actually jumping in the lake, are ya?

Choo Choo:
That I am. But before I depart for another world, could you give this letter to... Lola Glamour?

Top Cat:
Lola Glamour, the Hollywood siren?

Fancy-Fancy:
So that's it! Chooch has another crush going! last time it was Marilyn Maroon!

Top Cat:
Yeah, but he had to give her up - she never acknowledged the rubber plant he sent her!

Benny the Ball:
A date with Lola Glamour? You'd have a better chance running for President!

Top Cat:
Right, the first thing is to get rid of this Do-It-Yourself drowning kit... [Top Cat tosses the boulder into the lake, but as Choo Choo is still tied to it, he falls in as well]

Choo Choo:
HELP! HELP! I CAN'T SWIM! HEELLLP!

[Lola Glamour insults the gang]

Top Cat:
The "Lola Glamour" club is now disbanded! Those wishing to join the "Gina lollapalooza" club say Aye!

[the gang climbs a skyscraper]

Top Cat:
Must be the altitude. For a moment I thought I saw Officer Dibble...

Officer Dibble:
[looking out a window] Top Cat?

Top Cat:
Dibble? I knew I couldn't have imagined that face! Come on, fellas, amskray!

Benny the Ball:
I don't think she likes us, T.C...

Top Cat:
That was the understatement of the year, Benny. But who cares? It's Chooch I'm worried about!

Fancy-Fancy:
Yeah, he probably heard everything!

Brain:
He's nowhere around, T.C.!

Spook:
Yeah, like he may have gone to...

[makes a "gun to the head" hand gesture]

Top Cat:
Spook! Wash out your mouth with soap!

Top Cat:
[on a guitar] This is a little ditty / About a count who owns half of the City / He's got diamonds and rubies and pearls /... and for a hobby he telephones girls. / Count Choo Choo, Count Choo Choo, Count Choo Choo, Count Choo Choo, Count Chooch!

Top Cat:
All that work for nothing! Oh, boy...

Brain:
Where are you going, T.C.?

Top Cat:
[holding Choo Choo's boulder] I'm gonna pick up where Chooch left off! Goodbye, cruel world!

[Officer Dibble rushes up]

Officer Dibble:
[grabbing the boulder] Hold it, Top Cat! You ain't getting away from me that easy!

Top Cat:
Oh, come on, Dib, can't I even drown in peace?

Officer Dibble:
Forget the lake, T.C.! You're going up the river! Now throw that rock away NOW!

Top Cat:
Throw away the rock. Okay, you're the law!

[Top Cat chucks the boulder over the bridge, and Dibble goes with it... ]

Top Cat:
[looking down] Oh, I'm so sorry about your uniform, sir! I hope it doesn't shrink!

Officer Dibble:
[soaking wet] I'll get you for this, T.C.! I'll see that you get thirty days!

[last lines]

[Officer Dibble knocks his truncheon against a tree]

Top Cat:
[on a branch] Come on, Dibble, we've got the whole night ahead of us, so let's keep up the beat, shall we? One, two, cha-cha-cha! Three, four, cha-cha-cha! One, two, cha-cha-cha! Three, four, cha-cha-cha!

[Spook acts as a bridge over a manhole for an unknowing Officer Dibble]

Benny the Ball:
Nice one, Spook!

Spook:
[aching all over] Yeah, but he like cha-cha-chaed all over my sacroiliac!

[the gang makes a surveillance report to Top Cat]

Top Cat:
[seeing a groaning Benny] Oh, no, you blew it...

Choo Choo:
Sorry, T.C. He got run over by a piano.

Top Cat:
Run over by a piano? How do ya get run over by a piano?

Choo Choo:
We kept our eye on him all the time, T.C... [Dibble gives a sickening sneeze]

Top Cat:
You call that watching? You let a GERM get through!

Officer Dibble:
[implementing positive thinking] I feel great, I feel great, I feel... [slumps down with illness]

Brain:
What are we going to do, T.C.?

Top Cat:
I don't know, but we'll think of something. Come on, let's go...

[Dibble drives up in his car]

Officer Dibble:
Hey, fellas... get in. Come on, come on, we're wasting time!

Top Cat:
Gosh, Dib, I don't know what to say. You got me.

Officer Dibble:
Skip it, T.C.! I figured you guys needed a vacation too.

[the gang get into Dibble's car]

Officer Dibble:
Knowing you guys is like being married. You can't live with them and you can't live without them!

Fancy-Fancy:
Maybe he went out for a walk, T.C...

Top Cat:
No, we can't let him slip off now! We got too much at stake! We gotta find him, fast!

Top Cat:
Dib, what's going on?

Officer Dibble:
There's a robbery at the Bank!

Top Cat:
A robbery at the Bank? Oh no! He could get shot! Dibble, hold it! You've only got ten minutes to break Muldoon's record!

Benny the Ball:
Get lots of sun for that cold!

Fancy-Fancy:
Take care of that cold, Dibble!

Officer Dibble:
Are you kidding? What cold? [Dibble sneezes]

Officer Dibble:
[holding a hat full of coins] Gambling again, huh?

Top Cat:
Oh, that's just a collection. One of the girls in the office is getting married.

Officer Dibble:
That doesn't make any sense!

Top Cat:
I know it and you know it, but try and tell her!

Professor Zimbach:
[in a gallery] Ah, what lines! What curves! What form! Beautiful!

Top Cat:
[entering post-haste] Lines? Curves? Form? Where are the ladies?

Professor Zimbach:
[about a modern art painting] It has a message! It speaks! Can't you hear what it says?

Top Cat:
Sure, it says "Don't drink when you're painting!"

[Dibble wakes up in a janitor's closet and in his underwear]

Officer Dibble:
Oh, my head... Hey, what's coming off? My uniform!

[Brain is thinking]

Top Cat:
What's on your mind, Brain?

Brain:
Uh... oh, never mind.

Top Cat:
That guy in the underwear! Grab him! He's Al the Actor!

Officer Dibble:
Look, I'm me! He ain't me, I am! See?

Top Cat:
Get him!

[Al the Actor is exposed]

Top Cat:
Cheer up, pal, at least you came out with a better-looking face!

Officer Dibble:
Now look here, wise guy...

[a notice is found on Top Cat 's painting]

Top Cat:
Ah, yes, the famous Bottom borthers: There was Foundat Bottom, Rock Bottom, and of course, Fitat Bottom!

[last lines]

[Top Cat faints upon finding his rich client was Al in disguise]

Officer Dibble:
Oh, and send an ambulance, Sarge. An art lover just fainted.

[Benny reveals his new purchase, the "Non-Electric Air Conditioner" - aka a paper fan]

Top Cat:
Benny is the last of the all-time suckers! He's just been baited, bagged, buncoed, conned, heisted and flimflammed!

[Top Cat assigns Fancy to paint a fake road line]

Fancy-Fancy:
This is the job for me, T.C.! I'm an expert on curves!

[Brain is directed to a "Wanted" poster of criminal Cha-Cha Charlie McGee]

Top Cat:
Fix that poster over there, Brain!

Brain:
Okay, T.C., but I sure hate to do this to Cha-Cha Charlie. I think he's better looking than the Mayor!

[Brain covers McGee's picture with a picture of the Mayor]

[a confused Prowler is led away by an equally confused Sergeant]

Top Cat:
Even I couldn't explain it to the Sergeant and I set the whole thing up!

[last lines]

Officer Dibble:
[on the phone] Hiya, Sarge. Everything's all quiet down on the block... No, no hard feelings. Okay, see ya later... [He hangs up and looks at the gang lazing around]

Officer Dibble:
All right, what are you all looking at? Beat it!... And thanks, boys.

[Benny is startled by a knocking from his bags]

Top Cat:
Hey, Benny! Open the trunk, Benny, and let us out! [Benny opens his trunk and finds the whole gang stuffed inside]

Benny the Ball:
Well, for goodness sakes! You're all packed in like sardines!

Top Cat:
Sshhh, Benny, not so loud. We're traveling incognito, you get what I mean?

Benny the Ball:
Is that better than tourist class?

Top Cat:
Okay, Spook, what was in that suitcase?

Spook:
Currency. Like foreign denominations. Like money.

Top Cat:
Like money?

Top Cat:
Wow! It IS money! By the law of Finders Keepers, we are rich, men! We got it made!

Officer Dibble:
Davy Crocket's picture's on a five-dollar bill?

Officer Dibble:
Well? Where's the suitcase?

Top Cat:
It disappeared. And I think I will too! [a chase commences]

Top Cat:
Cop and counterfeiter overboard!

Officer Dibble:
[singing] Aloha hoe, Aloha hoe... [cracks his back]

Top Cat:
Dibble, how about taking care of that 347?

Officer Dibble:
What's a 347?

Top Cat:
[pointing behind Dibble] Preventing a serious accident! There, do you see that old lady about to get run over by a truck?

Officer Dibble:
Come on, T.C., do you really think you can fool me with... [Dibble hears a screech and looks]

Officer Dibble:
HEY, LADY! WAIT! [runs off]

Top Cat:
See ya when I get back, Dib!

Choo Choo:
Where do we hide, T.C.?

Top Cat:
Where all stowaways hide - in the luggage, of course! Come on, fellas! Let's mingle, mingle, mingle!

Choo Choo:
What's wrong, T.C.?

Top Cat:
Officer Dibble, he's aboard!

Choo Choo:
Officer Dibble?

Top Cat:
Yeah! We can explain being stowaways, but we can't explain this suite and all this money - we got to put the suitcase back in the lifeboat and keep it there until we sort it all out with Dibble!

Top Cat:
[on the phone, after Officer Dibble falls into the ocean] Hello, Captain! I want to inform you there's a man overboard!

Top Cat:
[spelling a sign] "C, A, N, A, V, E, R, A, L"... Canaveral!

Choo Choo:
[frightened] That's right, T.C., we're in Cape Canaveral!

Top Cat:
But that's where they... "whoosh!" [makes a "blast off" hand gesture; Choo Choo nods]

Top Cat:
Fellas, do you know where we are? Cape, and get this, Canaveral!

Spook:
Canaveral?

Benny the Ball:
You mean where they... "whoosh!"

Top Cat:
Uh-huh!

Choo Choo:
And get this: they "whoosh!" with us in the "whoosh!"-ster!

Benny the Ball:
That's not for me!

Spook:
Man, we gotta get outta here! And not like straight up!

[Top Cat receives a crate of bananas from Africa]

Top Cat:
[reading an attached note] "Compliments from a wide and grateful family. Signed, Eek-Eek."

Choo Choo, Benny the Ball, Fancy-Fancy, Brain, Spook:
"Eek-Eek"?

Officer Dibble:
What's all this "Eek-Eek" stuff?

Top Cat:
Oh, the boys got a touch of indigestion. Have a banana, Dib...

Officer Dibble:
Who're the bananas from?

Top Cat:
Oh... they're from an anthropoid!

Officer Dibble:
An anthropoid? That's nice.

[Before blast-off, Top Cat convinces Marvo to hijack the rocket and take it to Africa]

Officer Dibble:
They never found the rocket, did they?

Top Cat:
Neither hide nor hair, pun intended!

[last lines]

Officer Dibble:
I'll always remember Marvo...

Top Cat:
So will I, so will I. And why shouldn't I remember him? After all, he remembered me!

Top Cat:
What's the name we'll give to our new member?

Choo Choo:
How about Tom?

Fancy-Fancy:
How about Dick?

Spook:
How about Harry?

Benny the Ball:
Let's call him Charlie after our friend Officer Dibble.

Brain:
Charlie what?

Top Cat:
Charlie what? Oh, boy, I see we got a statistician here. Just Charlie, all right?

[Dibble reads the note found with the baby]

Officer Dibble:
Okay, so he was abandoned and you found him. Now hand him over!

Top Cat:
But Dib, we were going to adopt the kid ourselves!

Officer Dibble:
Are you kidding? YOU guys?

Benny the Ball:
We'll take care of him, honest! Chooch knows how to handle diapers!

Officer Dibble:
Oh, sure, pal. And what are you going to teach him, roulette?

Brain:
We could take him to night school and put him through some courses...

Officer Dibble:
Sorry, fellas. There's laws about recovering lost property and abandoned kids come under that heading.

Top Cat:
[poking Dibble] But...

Officer Dibble:
We take the kid in and find him a new home.

Top Cat:
[poking Dibble] But...

Officer Dibble:
Furthermore, before you can adopt a baby you have to be shown as a legal hardworking citizen, with a regular fixed income!

Top Cat:
Oh, boy...

Officer Dibble:
Now will you cut out the stalling and give me the kid?

Top Cat:
What is this, "East Lynn" or something? You're all acting like it's a beat picture! Okay, so we lost the kid! Anyway, we tried!

Choo Choo:
Gee, I wish I could be tough and hard like T.C. He's got nerves of steel. Nothing upsets him.

Spook:
Yeah, he's one real cool cat, man...

Top Cat:
Hey, Benny...

Benny the Ball:
Yeah, T.C.?

Top Cat:
[weeping softly] You got a hanky I can borrow?

Benny the Ball:
Sure, T.C. Here.

[to the amazement of the gang, Top Cat wipes his face on the handkerchief]

Top Cat:
Well? What's the matter with you guys? Haven't you ever seen anyone with something in his eye before?

Choo Choo:
Sure we did, T.C. But not you.

[last lines]

[TC sends the gang off to get things for a new scam]

Top Cat:
I'll be with you in a minute... [looks towards Charlie's direction]

Top Cat:
Well, so long, Charlie boy. So long, son. Did I just say that? "Son"? Oh, boy. That's the end. You gotta be careful or they'll get you down. They're dangerous. [catches up with the gang]

Top Cat:
All right, you guys, let's get down to business! Remember, there's only six of us now, and in this big City there's tons of opportunities lying in wait! All we have to do is dig for it! Let's dig, dig, dig, men!

Top Cat:
What is it with you guys? Have you all flipped over a baby? The world is full of babies!

Benny the Ball:
Yeah, but we found this one, T.C.!

Benny the Ball:
I was an orphan once.

Top Cat:
So what do ya want, a medal or something?

Top Cat:
Well, we DID find the kid, although I would've been a lot happier if he were the kind of pic-a-nic basket we were looking for...

[Top Cat assigns parental duties to the gang]

Choo Choo:
What are you going to do, T.C.?

Top Cat:
I'm going to sit here and do what you guys will be too busy doing.

Choo Choo:
Like what?

Top Cat:
Like I'll worry!

Officer Dibble:
[answering the phone] Officer Dibble reporting. [milk comes out of his ear]

Officer Dibble:
Huh? Who? What's this... [looks at the receiver and sees it's in fact... ]

Officer Dibble:
A baby bottle!

Top Cat:
Well, it finally happened. We finally landed a million-dollar deal. Only instead of making it, we OWE it!

[TC gets the horse on the S.S. Africa, which departs for its namesake]

Benny the Ball:
[tearfully waving goodbye] He was a good horse, a real nice horse. And he so loved to have his picture taken... and I don't even have one of him.

Top Cat:
There, there, Benny, it's all right. That horse is out of here and we're in the clear. And it's all for the best. Your horsey will be all right in Africa, meeting its distant relatives like zebras, camels, llamas... OH NO! [the horse climbs on port, having jumped ship and swum back]

[At the sound of a bell, the horse gallops off and comes back]

Benny the Ball:
[dazed] We went to Broadway...

Top Cat:
To Broadway? In thirty seconds? Thirty seconds to Broadway and back... hmm...

[Top Cat hijacks an ambulance]

Top Cat:
[to the startled drivers] Excuse me, fellas, I have an emergency... a million-dollar emergency!

Top Cat:
Before Ali Khat took this stuff he was nobody! Now he's got five hundred dancing girls fighting over him!

Choo Choo:
But gosh Top Cat

Top Cat:
It's the moment of decision: do we want other moochers movin' in and moochin' in our moochery? No, we must make a stand. And most of all, remember, it's not for us... it's for Tony and all the zebras in Africa.

Officer Dibble:
[on the phone] It's incredible, Sarge. He's taking it like a man. You'd never believe he has one week left to live.

Top Cat:
[thunderstruck] So that's it... the Doc was holding out on me... old T.C.'s gonna cash in his chips in a week!

Officer Dibble:
I gotta go now, Sarge. Poor old Top Cat... [hangs up and leaves]

Top Cat:
For the first time in my life I think I'm gonna faint!

Fancy-Fancy:
[chatting up a curvaceous cat] Come on, baby, we could make beautiful music together! [the girl giggles]

Fancy-Fancy:
Let me take you away from all this! Give us a kiss! [the girl knocks him down]

Fancy-Fancy:
Oh, boy, she's weakening! Last time she used a club!

[Top Cat's party is interrupted]

Top Cat:
Uh-oh... Why, Officer Dibble, you look positively nauseating. Is something the matter? [Dibble growls]

Top Cat:
Couldn't you find the chop suey? Don't worry about it, just give Benny the address and... [Dibble snarls]

Top Cat:
Okay gang, party's over... huh? [Everyone's gone, leaving TC to face Dibble alone]

Top Cat:
Cowards!

Top Cat:
[looking inside his can] Now, where's my toothbrush? I'll just have to run down to the corner store for a new one...

Officer Dibble:
You won't be able to talk your way out of this one, T.C.! [shuts the trash can, trapping Top Cat inside]

Officer Dibble:
Okay, boys! Pick it up! [a garbage truck rolls down the alley]

Top Cat:
I hate to pry, sir, but what's happening?

Officer Dibble:
[carrying the can] You know that Hudson River cruise you wanted?

Top Cat:
You mean...?

Officer Dibble:
Right! I'm gonna let you have it! [tosses the can into the truck, and it drives away]

Officer Dibble:
Bon voyage, Top Cat!

[last lines]

[on a garbage tug boat on the Hudson]

Top Cat:
Well, it isn't the cruise I had in mind, and the accommodations aren't exactly first-class. But who's complaining? At least this way I'll avoid the crowd!

[last lines]

Benny the Ball:
Now, why did he do that? He knows he can't swim. Hee-hee-hee!

Choo Choo:
Any of you guys ever had baked Alaska?

Brain:
I never even had it raw.

Top Cat:
Wrap a towel around your head, Benny.

Benny the Ball:
Is it all right to wear Turkish towel if I'm an Indian?

Top Cat:
Sure, Dibble won't know the difference. The closest he's ever come to royalty was once when he had a pair of kings playing poker.

Top Cat:
Remember, I've been using my brain for years. Officer Dibble's is still practically brand new.

[first lines]

Top Cat:
Step right up, folks. This is it, the big time in the big top where for a slight fee you'll see right before your very eyes the most daring, unbelievable high trapeze act ever attempted. I call your attention to stage right for the start of this death-defying act.

Brain:
Uh, nobody said anything about defying no death to me.

Benny the Ball:
When are we going to the races, T.C.?

Top Cat:
As soon as we have the two bucks for a bet!

[a shootout blows up]

Top Cat:
Chooch, untie Benny, and let's scram!

[the gang is being chased by mobsters]

Choo Choo:
What do we do, T.C.?

Top Cat:
We'll get some police protection!

Choo Choo:
How? There isn't a cop in sight!

Top Cat:
That's what you think, there's always one behind a billboard! [Top Cat proves his point by driving behind a billboard and chasing out a startled cop]

[the diamond goes under a steamroller]

Top Cat:
[calling the driver] Hold it, hold it...! [a crunchy crush is heard]

Top Cat:
Oh, no! [He presents the fragments of the diamond to the jeweller]

Top Cat:
Look at it this way, Mr. Stiffany: it saves you the cost of a cutter! Just think of all these sparkling jewels, ready to capture the hearts of young ladies... Here you are with my compliments, and, ah, forget the reward... [Mr Stiffany bursts into tears]

[last lines]

Top Cat:
I tell ya, fellas, there ain't nothing worse than seeing a grown man cry. It turns you inside out. I can't stand it...

Choo Choo:
T.C., you're all heart...

Top Cat:
[exasperated, yet pleased] I know. I know. I know, know, I know, I know...

Fifi:
Oh, this is so exciting! I've always wanted to be a nurse. Tell me when to get the Band-aids, Doc!

Benny the Ball:
[the crooks' doctor is about to operate on Benny] But I ain't got no Blue Cross!

Muggsy:
And the doc ain't got no license, so we're even!