Trailer Failure

The Distressed Watcher:
And now it's time for the SNIDE RECAP!

The Distressed Watcher:
Hello, I'm The Distressed Watcher. I review the previews and let you know which trailers are failures.

The Distressed Watcher:
[watching the trailer for A Christmas Carol, as Robert Zemeckis' other director credits fly by] What is this, his f***ing resume? Get to the f***ing trailer already! I said "f***ing" three times now. That's 'cause I'm f***ing hard core!

The Distressed Watcher:
Does everything have to be in 3D now? It seems like Hollywood will try any gimmick before they resort to actually telling compelling stories with interesting characters.

Boy:
Isn't there any other option? Foster care? Juvenile hall?

The Distressed Watcher:
Acting class?

Mother:
It's not them I'm worried about.

The Distressed Watcher:
It's not them I'm worried about, it's your career.

The Distressed Watcher:
[laughs] He can't cook breakfast. That's hilarious. Also, I know this is a silly comedy, but how credible is the idea that this character is a super spy who can't read the directions on the back of a packet of oatmeal and he doesn't know that something that is in the oven is gonna be hot to the touch? What is he, an idiot savant functionally retarded, except for he can do things like super spy stuff and karate?

The Distressed Watcher:
And it's time once again, boys and girls, for the snide recap! A Christmas Carol, bah humbug. Or, to update that phrase, ah, bullshit; The Spy Next Door needs to move further down the block; The Wolf Man has bark, but I'll bet that it will bite.

The Distressed Watcher:
Who were they playing against? Retarded, paralyzed, elderly midget amputees?

The Distressed Watcher:
[about Grown Ups] The cast is laughing, but the theater is dead. I still can't believe that audiences actually paid to go see The Blind Side starring Sandra Bullock and random-black-guy, but if audiences actually pay to see this movie then I'm going to build a bomb shelter because the end is certainly nigh.

The Distressed Watcher:
It's called A Death at a Funeral and it's a remake of a 2007 British film which was actually released here in America, but didn't do too well. So Hollywood decided to remake it and make it more accessible to American audiences. You know, by making it stupid.

The Distressed Watcher:
Her ass doesn't even look that good, okay. It's too small. If you're gonna have two black guys staring at a woman's ass, make it realistic. I've seen the magazines that black guys read and those butts are a lot bigger than the one that I just saw on screen just now. That's like a compromised ass between the white guys who like little, tiny asses and the black guys who like big asses. I like big asses too, so I know.

The Distressed Watcher:
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic... that doesn't seem right. I'm wearing a jacket, I've got a tie, I'm wearing glasses. This is my site, I'm a guy with glasses. That Guy with the Glasses, that sounds like me. Wait a minute, I'm not wearing a hat though, I guess I couldn't be the Nostalgia Critic, I'm not wearing a hat. Maybe I'm Linkara, no, he wears a hat too, doesn't he? He doesn't have a tie. He wears a jacket, though. A lot of people on this site have jackets. Oh, I must be the Distressed Watcher! That guy sucks!

The Distressed Watcher:
Time for the SNIDE RECAP! Solomon Kane looks like Lord of the Rings with half the brains and 1/20 of the budget; Whip It is not just the title of Ellen Page's new movie, it's also the philosophy that said movie applies to dead horses with its cliched girl power message; Paranormal Activity looks like fairly normal activity for unoriginal Hollywood studios; Serbian Scars is a cut below the competition; This Is It is missing two letters from its title: an S and an H.

The Distressed Watcher:
Is this The Karate Kid or is it choreographed dancing; or have the two become one in the same for the sake of this film? Step Up III: The Karate Kid, starring Will Smith's failure to wear a condom and Jackie "anything for a check" Chan. Skip it.

The Distressed Watcher:
Our next trailer is for Marmaduke. Because if we know one thing, it's that turning bad Sunday comics into big-budget, Hollywood CG abominations is a recipe for success.

The Distressed Watcher:
Oh God, is that Owen Wilson? Remember the time he tried to kill himself; wasn't that great? Hey Owen, better luck next time!