Trick 'r Treat

Principal Steven Wilkins:
Here. Help yourself. [pulls a knife out of his bag] It's for the pumpkin, not you. Promise. All of mine were dull. Ahh, smashin' jack-o'-lanterns? Stealin' candy? It's OK. Believe it or not, I was just like you when I was a kid. 'Til my dad set me straight, that is. See, my dad taught me tonight is about respecting the dead because this is the one night that the dead and all sorts of other things roam free... and pay us a visit. Sorry. All these traditions... jack-o'-lanterns, putting on costumes, handing out treats... they were started to protect us, but nowadays... no one really cares.

Principal Steven Wilkins:
I didn't do such a good job, did I? What do you think? [notices Charlie looking nauseous] Hey. You OK? You need a root beer? [chuckles] Oh, wait. That's right. There's another tradition, a very important one... always check your candy.

Principal Steven Wilkins:
[mocking his son] "Daddy, I wanna carve a pumpkin." "Daddy, I wanna go to the festival." "Daddy, I wish mommy was still alive."

Principal Steven Wilkins:
Screw you.

Mr. Kreeg:
Spite. Spite! Get your ass in here! Are you finished crappin' or what? [hears a noise from Wilkins's yard] Who the hell is that?! I got an NRA membership in my pocket - and a shotgun over the fireplace! So, get out of here before I--!

Mr. Kreeg:
What in God's name are you doin' down there, Wilkins? Hidin' bodies?

Mr. Kreeg:
Screw you!

Mr. Kreeg:
You gotta be f***in' kidding me.

Female Trick-or-Treater:
[after been given candy from Mr. Kreeg] Thanks, Mr. Kreeg! Great mummy costume!

School Bus Massacre Child:
Wrong way... wrong way...

Billy Wilkins:
Charlie Brown is an a**hole!

Billy Wilkins:
[Steven Wilkins places his hand on his son's head] Let's carve a scary face this time.

Steven Wilkins:
[raises a butcher knife above his head] A scary face it is. [Wilkins stabs down with the knife and grunts, then raises the bloodied knife; whispers] Wrap it around.

Billy Wilkins:
[smiles] But don't forget to help me with the eyes.

[the camera pans out to reveal Charlie's severed head on a wooden turntable]:

Chip:
You must really like Halloween.

Rhonda:
You mean Samhain?

Chip:
What?

Rhonda:
Samhain, also known as All Hallows' Eve, also known as Halloween. Pre-dating Christianity, the Celtic holiday was celebrated on the one night between autumn and winter when the barrier between the living and the dead was thinnest, and often involved rituals that included human sacrifice. [pauses awkwardly] I like your eye patch.

Chip:
Oh...

Poison, drowning, claw, or knife - so many ways to take a life.

Halloween Commercial Man:
During the spookiest time of the year there are a few guidelines all ghosts and goblins should follow. Always stay on sidewalks. Never go to a strangers house, and never go out alone.

Emma:
[Sarcastically] This was a great idea, honey. Really. It's just magical. It makes me wish every night was Halloween.

Henry:
I'm sorry Em. Wait, wait. Not yet.

Emma:
What?

Henry:
You're supposed to keep it lit.

Emma:
Why?

Henry:
Ancient tradition?

Emma:
Henry, it's Halloween, not Hanukkah. Baby, I'm lit and you're lit.

Henry:
But honey...

Emma:
But our little friend here? His night's over.

[she blows out the jack-o'-lantern]

Henry:
You know, there are rules, you should be more careful. You might upset someone.

Emma:
Oh, please. Who?

[Steven prepares to bury Charlie's body in the backyard]

Steven:
Happy Halloween.

Billy:
[shouting from the top floor bedroom window] Daddy! I'm back from Trick-or-Treating!

Steven:
Billy. Shh. Please, be quiet.

Billy:
[shouts] Why?

Steven:
Because you'll bother the neighbors, now go watch Charlie Brown and I'll be in in a minute.

Billy:
Charlie's Brown's an a**hole!

Steven:
Billy Wilkens! Language.

[Steven sighs continuing to bury Charlie]

Mr. Kreeg:
Spike! Spike! Get your ass in here. Are you finished crapping or what? [hears a noise] Who the hell is that?

[Steven kicks the kid to shut up]

Mr. Kreeg:
I've got an NRA membership in my pocket and a shotgun over the fireplace, so get outta here before I...

Steven:
It's me, Mr. Kreeg. Steven, Steven Wilkins.

Mr. Kreeg:
What in God's name are you doing down there, Wilkins? Hiding Bodies?

[Steven kicks the kid again as he grunts from the bag]

Mr. Kreeg:
What did you say?

Steven:
Nothing, its... Uh, septic tank is acting up.

Mr. Kreeg:
Is that what that smell is?

Steven:
I'm afraid so.

Mr. Kreeg:
Then fix it. It stinks like a dead whore out here.

Steven:
I'm... [kicks the kid] ...trying. [kicks the kid again]

Mr. Kreeg:
And keep your kid out of my yard. Goddamn freak.

[Mr. Kreeg heads back to his house]

Steven:
Happy Halloween.

Mr. Kreeg:
Screw you!

[the kids arrive at the location site of the old Halloween School Bus Massacre]

Schrader:
Great, a rock quarry. Nice way to celebrate Halloween, Macy.

Chip:
Why are we here?

Macy:
To pay our respects to the dead.

Chip:
What happened? Did somebody die here?

Sara:
Wait. Is this where - ? It is isn't it? This is where that school...

Macy:
Shut up, Sara.

Chip:
The Halloween School Bus Massacre.

Macy:
Just don't call it that.

Schrader:
What's she talking about?

Sara:
It's this awesome town legend. There's this bus full of...

Macy:
Jesus, will you shut up and let me tell the damn story?

Rhonda:
You said a bad word.

[Macy rolls her eyes at Rhonda before telling the story]

Macy:
It happened 30 years ago on a late Halloween afternoon. [begins narrating the flashback] A school bus was on its usual route. But this wasn't your typical school bus and they weren't your typical kids. There were eight of them and they were different. Troubled. Disturbed. Every day, parents put their dirty secrets on this bus to be driven to a school miles out of town.

[we see the kids in their Halloween masks and costumes]

Vampire Kid:
[in his seat counting the addresses outside] 3260. 3264. 3266.

Macy:
But that day... the driver took a different route.

Vampire Kid:
Wrong way. Wrong way. Wrong way.

Macy:
And instead of taking the students home he drove the bus to an abandoned rock quarry. This rock quarry. What the kids didn't know is that, over the years, their parents had become exhausted, and embarrassed. And they were willing to do anything to ease their burden. So one day, the parents approached the bus driver and made him an offer. With the money collected together, they asked him to do the unthinkable. It almost worked perfectly.

[the bus driver quiets the kids and begins to walk down the bus checking that each chained down kid is correct, passing them each a piece of candy]

Vampire Kid:
Wrong way. Wrong way. Home. Home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. Home. [he manages to get out of his chains and gets behind the wheel] Home. Home. Home. I wanna go home. Home.

[the bus drives forward off the rock quarry]

Macy:
The driver was never heard from again. As for the bus, some say it sank so deep that it couldn't be found. Others say the town just didn't want it to be found. For all we know, it's still down there and so are those kids.

Sara:
[after Macy tells the story about the School Bus Massacre] You are so full of sh*t.

Macy:
Really? Well, then I guess you won't mind being first.

Sara:
First what?

Macy:
Eight victims, eight jack-o'-lanterns, each one representing a lost soul. So we're going to leave them by the side of the lake as an offering to those who died.

Chip:
Oh.

Laurie:
[wearing Disney princess costumes] I am not wearing this. It's too small. And my tits keep popping out.

Danielle:
That's the idea.

Laurie:
I don't know why we drove out here when there are perfectly good guys in the city.

Janet:
Fresh meat.

Maria:
It's what we do every Halloween, Laurie.

Laurie:
Whatever happened to Trick or Treating?

Maria:
Puberty.

Janet:
Last year we were in Tampa.

Maria:
And we went as sexy nurses.

Danielle:
No Janet, Tampa was two years ago, I remember because you puked doing a guy in his pickup truck.

Janet:
I ate some bad Mexican, and it was a jeep.

Danielle:
Last year was San Diego. We dressed as sailors and ended up with sailors.

Janet:
Yeah, and Maria's sailor was a girl.

Maria:
So what, she had a nice ass, it all tastes the same to me anyway.

Sara:
[in the quarry] That bus is around here somewhere. I think it's over here.

Schrader:
Over where? I can't see sh*t in this fog. Think I found a dead retard.

Macy:
That's me a**hole.

Schrader:
Like I said.

Macy:
Both of you shut up and keep looking.

Schrader:
There's something moving by that rock.

Macy:
I can't see.

Sara:
Jesus, what is that? [screams] Help me!

Macy:
Sara! Where's Sara? Run!

Schrader:
There's nowhere to go!

Chip:
Up! I wanna go back up!

Reporter:
Werewolves, zombies and demons of every variety. They've all descended on the normally sleepy town of Warren Valley, OH. Where the holiday and all of its strange traditions are taken very seriously. It's only 8:00 and the streets are already packed with costumed visitors. Some to show off, others to blend in, but all to celebrate the magical night of Halloween. The one night a year where we can pretend to be the scariest thing we think of.