Turtle Diary

William Snow:
What if this turtle freak were to seriously propose a turtle theft to the keeper?

Neaera Duncan:
These turtles... how long have they been here?

George Fairbairn:
The big ones? The big ones have been here for thirty years.

Neaera Duncan:
That's a very long time.

George Fairbairn:
It is.

Neaera Duncan:
Are they happy?

George Fairbairn:
Happy? No, I shouldn't think they're all that happy. Born for the ocean, you see.

Neaera Duncan:
Yes...

Neaera Duncan:
What do you do, exactly?

Mr. Johnson:
Top secret.

George Fairbairn:
I've been telling them for years to let the big ones go. Put 'em in the sea.

Harriet Sims:
Have you ever been married?

William Snow:
I must have been, I had two daughters. They were little once, they used to sit on my lap.

Harriet Sims:
Were you a good father?

William Snow:
They thought so, but they were only children at the time.

Mrs. Charlie Inchcliff:
Why's everyone lying on the floor?

Mr. Sandor:
We have collision. Now we tumble.

William Snow:
Tell me, suppose some turtle freak decided to steal these turtles, what would he need for the job?

George Fairbairn:
What would he want to do with them after he'd stolen them?

William Snow:
Put them back in the sea?

George Fairbairn:
Oh, well... He'd need a trolley to get them out of here, crates to put 'em in, and a van to take them down to the ocean.

William Snow:
Wouldn't they dry out on the trip?

George Fairbairn:
Funny, you're the second person this week who's asked me about the turtles... No, drying out's no problem. Put 'em on foam rubber, you see? Throw a bucket on them every now and then. They'll be alright.

Miss Neap:
Ah, the sea. It always seems so far away, even though the Thames goes into it.

William Snow:
You could always write to the Times about it.

Neaera Duncan:
Who's interested in turtles? Except the keeper, and me... and you.

Harriet Sims:
I thought you'd never ask.

William Snow:
Ask what.

Harriet Sims:
Me. Out.

William Snow:
Oh yes... Did I?

Harriet Sims:
You did.

William Snow:
I thought you asked me!

Man in Bookshop:
Have you got the sequel to this?

Assistant Keeper:
Hello, George. What have you got there?

George Fairbairn:
Turtles.

Assistant Keeper:
Oh yeah, what are you gonna do with 'em?

George Fairbairn:
Give 'em a holiday, they need it.

William Snow:
I used to read your books to my girls.

Neaera Duncan:
Really?

William Snow:
When they were little.

George Fairbairn:
It's not every day I send my turtles out into the world, you know. Something of an occasion!

The Publisher:
Have some more vodka.