Two for the Money

Walter Abrams:
After the therapy, and the psychiatry, and the meetings, you know what it all comes down to? You're all f***ed up.

Toni Morrow:
I'm married to Walter.

Brandon Lang:
Ooooo... bogey.

Walter Abrams:
Oh man... You better hold on to the coin you flipped. Because this game keeps up like this, I'm going to have to borrow it.

Walter Abrams:
Know what you know, and know what you don't know. And know that I gotta know everything you know as soon as you know it... or sooner

Walter Abrams:
There's no such thing as too far. You understand? You push everything as far as you can. You push and you push and you push until it starts pushing back. And then you push some goddamn more. Remember that when you're with this guy today.

Walter Abrams:
This is dangerous territory we're getting into. You understand that. But I'm gonna bump you. Now talk to me about Monday night because everyone, and I mean everyone, is gonna double down after the hole you put 'em in.

Brandon Lang:
Monday night's fine.

Walter Abrams:
You bet your mother's house on it?

Brandon Lang:
I don't bet, Walter.

Walter Abrams:
If you did?

Brandon Lang:
I like the pick, Walter.

Walter Abrams:
On your mother's house or not?

Brandon Lang:
With my mother in it.

Walter Abrams:
Stats are not enough, you need a voice! These are gamblers ready to risk what they can't afford for what they can't have, you're selling the world's rarest commodity: certainty, in an uncertain world.

Walter Abrams:
You're a lemon. Like a bad car. There is something... there is something inherently defective in you, and you, and you, and me, and all of us. We're all lemons. We look like everyone else, but what makes us different is our defect. See, most gamblers, when they go to gamble, they go to win. When we go to gamble, we go to lose. Subconsciously. Me, I never feel better than when they're raking the chips away; not bringing them in. And everyone here knows what I'm talking about. Hell, even when we win it's just a matter of time before we give it all back. But when we lose, that's another story. When we lose, and I'm talking about the kind of loss that makes your a**hole pucker to the size of a decimal point - you know what I mean - You've just recreated the worst possible nightmare this side of malignant cancer, for the twentieth goddamn time; and you're standing there and you suddenly realise, Hey, I'm still... here. I'm still breathing. I'm still alive. Us lemons, we f*** sh*t up all the time on purpose. Because we constantly need to remind ourselves we're alive. Gambling's not your problem. It's this f***ed up need to feel something. To convince yourself you exist. That's the problem.

Walter Abrams:
You know, the best part of the best drug in the world isn't the high. It's the moment just before you take it. The dice are dancing on the table. Between now and the time they stop, that's the greatest high in the world.

Walter Abrams:
I will match my dysfunctional childhood and Tony's against yours, any day of the week.

Walter Abrams:
My father,five foot,arms like this... he had a cock like a Hebrew National.

Walter Abrams:
I even looked at him the wrong way... he smacked across the room like Jake LaMotta

Walter Abrams:
By the time i was five,he yelled at me so much,i thought my name was A**hole.

Brandon Lang:
Should I call somebody?

Walter Abrams:
Yeah, in case they have a spare heart.

Walter Abrams:
Do you understand?

Brandon Lang:
Hell yeah I understand. I'm John f***ing Anthony.

Brandon Lang:
[where he finally says "the word"] What the f*** was that?

Walter Abrams:
[forcibly grabs Brandon and whispers] I'm going to tell you something now, I'm only going to say this once if you want something more from me than a gesundheit after a sneeze you're going to have do more than come at me with this sh*t, you understand? you're going to have to earn it, and once you earn it, you're going to have to fight me for it, you're going to have to challenge me, you're going to rip it out of me that's how you get ahead with me, now John Anthony would know that and as a matter of fact next time you come to me with this sh*t, you come as John Anthony.

Brandon Lang:
[on the phone] Amir, you've got to kidding me, you're going to sit there and hassle me over fifty grand after the two hundred and fifty grand I just made you last weekend you think you're going to cut me off?I'm going to cut you off.

Amir:
[on the phone] I'm, wiped out John, my business, my house, my credit, everything, I lost three hundred and eighty thousand this weekend, I was going to get married, I had a life!

Jerry:
[on tv show] Stats, records, rankings, weather, if the goal post is tilted just a little bit, the Sykes system uses forty two proven indexes, to eliminate the guess work in sports wagering, without my patented computer based picks, you've got a better shot of having God showing up at your door,with nine strippers a bag of pure Bolivan cocaine even viagra to make Chuck's head blow up, than picking these things on your own.

Walter Abrams:
Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt or anything like that but I just got to know this I'm sitting over there with my friends, and you are drop dead gorgeous and we just want to know your dates look like they haven't missed a meal since Christ died, I mean seriously you guys are eating like you have a date with the electric chair

Walter Abrams:
You read the charter buddy? We left our jobs at the door, you're going to throw an ex alcoholic bartender out of an AA meeting

Brandon Lang:
What do you say we go out for a late dinner right now have a couple kilo bottles of wine go back to that place where we first met?

Alexandria:
Are you out of your mind? I live in this building a**hole this is home I don't appreciate you stopping by without calling

Brandon Lang:
Whoa, what the hell's gotten into you?

Alexandria:
Let me make the sh*t real clear so this doesn't happen again, you made five thousand bucks, your friend set it up

Walter Abrams:
Do you know what time it is?

Brandon Lang:
It is 8:37 in the morning

Walter Abrams:
Wrong it's time to press my man we're going to yank out all the stops, when your winning you press you don't rest on your laurels what are you doing?

Brandon Lang:
I have a ten thirty tea time with a client so don't call me unless the line's changed got it?

Walter Abrams:
The salmon are running, you've got to stay here field phone calls you can't go out and have fun, come on, stop playing around you got work to do

Brandon Lang:
I'm not "asking" you if I could go I'm "telling" you that's how it is, you want me to make my picks I can give you those

Walter Abrams:
Start picking on Tuesday for the weekend, you know we're going to be advising somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty million dollars this week

Brandon Lang:
Circling [his picks on a piece of paper] that's a nice neighborhood we should be doing double that by week ten

Walter Abrams:
I see, you're going to make the picks no study no analysis you're just going to pick them

Brandon Lang:
I'm locked in Walter I don't really need it there's my picks for This week [hands Walter his picks] , if you need next week's picks I can give you those by Friday

Walter Abrams:
I'm starting to get the drift here we'll put these picks on ice and we'll talk about them tomorrow

Brandon Lang:
I won't be in tomorrow

Walter Abrams:
Then the next day

Brandon Lang:
We'll talk about it [Brandon ignores Walter and leaves]

Novian:
I didn't reconize you without the suit John

Brandon Lang:
This is my time off if you want to talk make an appointment

Novian:
Should I call you Brandon? someone costs you thirty million you do research, I got more than your name, where you live, where you're from, where your family lives your mom's a sweet lady I just come from Vegas, she got me three black jacks she's a good woman, who's a cocky motherf***er that came into my house?

Brandon Lang:
You don't like the picks use somebody else

Novian:
I just come for an apology, just look me in the eye and say you're sorry, say it so it'll make me believe you mean it

Brandon Lang:
I'm sorry

Novian:
F*** that I'm not going to accept that, come on, one more time

Brandon Lang:
I'm sorry

Novian:
You mother f***er your not even close, I'm going to get my satisfaction [urinates on Brandon]

Walter Abrams:
Wait a minute I just got an idea, it just came to me out of the blue, what about this? Brandon didn't tell me he was going to leave because you let him f*** you, you deny it?

Toni Morrow:
Do I have to?

Walter Abrams:
You know you did, I saw you Toni, I saw you and him that night I never went to Vegas

Toni Morrow:
You mean you lied to me about the trip

Walter Abrams:
Don't talk to me about lying

Toni Morrow:
I guess you had the whole thing set up

Walter Abrams:
Don't make this about me

Toni Morrow:
You just put me out there on a tray?

Walter Abrams:
I put a tray out there, you didn't have to sholve a f***ing apple in your mouth and sit on it, admit it!

Toni Morrow:
You played me

Walter Abrams:
You have any idea? it worked didn't it?

Toni Morrow:
Brandon was right

Walter Abrams:
You don't deny it?

Toni Morrow:
This is the best pick he ever made

Walter Abrams:
I don't know what that means

Toni Morrow:
You were gambling with me that night, Brandon knew it because he knew you, he told me he was sure you were watching somehow so he asked me to spend the night put on a show for you but I didn't believe him after all we've been through, so I figure what the hell, he slipped out the back no big deal he never even stayed here, you were in such a good the next day , I figured thank God he must've been wrong otherwise why wouldn't he confront us you wanted to lose like something you could toss on a table only we got you back Brandon and me who evidently love you more than you love yourself, your fantasy is to end alone with nothing, I won't let that happen I will never let that happen, this is all real you, and me and Julia we're all that's real

Brandon Lang:
Let's start with how much you bet

Novian:
A million a game across the board

Novian:
Is that the ceiling here? is that the most we're working with? [looking out the window] do you rent that yacht?

Novian:
No, I own it

Brandon Lang:
That's how I feel about this weekend and I'm not being cocky I'm being straight commerce with you, I didn't come here to bullshit you got some inside information I know these teams better than they know themselves I'm going twelve for twelve this weekend and that includes the Monday night parlay

Walter Abrams:
I've got to dance with you more

Toni Morrow:
You do

Walter Abrams:
I saw this house in the Bahamas, talk about an investment in case anyting should happen to me

Toni Morrow:
I don't want to hear that

Walter Abrams:
Why don't we go down there and check it out? just you and me, sit bare foot in the sand

Toni Morrow:
Just tell me your not gambling

Walter Abrams:
Eighteen years straight the sh*t's over

Toni Morrow:
It's never over and you know that

Walter Abrams:
How about a truth serum into the veins? Baby we just made two million dollars I want to celebrate with my wife I want to enjoy a dance

Walter Abrams:
We need a bat light like one of those signals that shoot up into the clouds no matter where you are no matter what time of day just look up and say "hey Walter needs me" because I must have beeped you a hundred f***ing times

Brandon Lang:
Who were they? [Sarcastically] the Salvation Army, how does someone go one for eight? A f***ing monkey tossing darts could do better

Brandon Lang:
What's with all the money?

Walter Abrams:
I got a plan, we take all your picks we reverse them like one of those twilight zone episodes where everything is the opposite you say "black" we go white

Brandon Lang:
How much is there?

Walter Abrams:
[Holding up stacks of cash] peanuts, two hundred seventy five thousand that's how desperate I am

Brandon Lang:
What happen to the two million?

Walter Abrams:
Two million? I was carrying twice that in red ink before you even showed up, look around you everything you see is smoking mirrors I got three mortgages on this house what do you want to know? I'm gambling again

Jerry:
I think I should lead off tonight I got some real strong stuff man

Walter Abrams:
You got a good hole, stay in it

Jerry:
Come on I went eight for twelve last week I'm hot I'm feeling it

Walter Abrams:
You have one good weekend don't get pushy

Jerry:
One good weekend? Sykes System revolutionized this industry am I wood? [Shows a newspaper ad about Brandon] where's my f***ing ad?

Walter Abrams:
[Grabs the newspaper out of Jerry's hand and slams it down on the table] take a hike

Jerry:
What?

Walter Abrams:
You're fired you're gone

Jerry:
I'm not fired you need me more than ever

Walter Abrams:
Get out of here you cut rate parasite

Brandon Lang:
[On the TV show] This is John Anthony, the million dollar man with the billion dollar plan, from Wall Street to Tokyo to Hollywood all your big money is going to stay and play with me, that's right, that's why they call me "the million dollar man", I can't say that, someone wrote some very clever stuff for me here like the "the million dollar man", so let's just call me John, I play quarter back division one and every QB knows the secret, the key to victory is anticipation, the ability to see the future and react to it, that is what I do, and that is the truth, for over one year I have been picking eighty percent winners unbelievable? Used to be, I know the leagues, I know the teams, I know the players, I know this wonderful game called football, call the number on the bottom of the screen and ask for John, let's make some money.

Brandon Lang:
Talk to me, how'd we do?

Walter Abrams:
You haven't seen the scores?

Walter Abrams:
No, it's how I wanted it, make my picks and get the results later

Walter Abrams:
Highest sales volume ever take a guess how we did?

Brandon Lang:
Yeah I think we kicked ass

Walter Abrams:
It was amazing

Brandon Lang:
Last week was nothing

Walter Abrams:
Your right, it was nothing compared to what we lost today

Brandon Lang:
Where'd I go?

Walter Abrams:
I got an idea why don't I give you a glimpse of what happened then you take a stab on how you went?

Brandon Lang:
Just give me the numbers

Walter Abrams:
Grown men crying on the phone, their wives screaming in the background, three sales people quit couldn't take the pressure

Brandon Lang:
F***

Walter Abrams:
No, no you lose ten out of twelve "f***" doesn't quite cover it, you know what'd be more appropriate? Something like "holy f***ing sh*t" or "Jesus f***ing Christ" you go two for twelve on our highest weekend ever and what's left to say? Except we keep the phone number and switch it to a suicide hotline, tomorrow morning Brandon we start all over again

Walter Abrams:
There's half a dozen games left I want you to watch every second of every minute of every one of them so sit down, you know how you go three and eleven don't you? You go three and eleven when you make Sunday's picks on Tuesdays it rains in Cincinnati on Saturday two starting quarterbacks never got to play, that's how you go three and eleven, you're a handicapper not a psychic

Brandon Lang:
We still got Monday night parlay

Walter Abrams:
F*** Monday night f*** the parlay this isn't about that it's not about me it's about the commission thing

Brandon Lang:
I don't know about that

Walter Abrams:
Don't bullshit me, I'm going to bump you ten percent ok? You earned it this is dangerous territory we're getting into, you understand that? But I'm going to bump you now talk to me about Monday night because everyone and I mean everyone is going to double down after the hole you just put them in

Walter Abrams:
[On the TV show] Hello everybody and welcome to the big weekend. Never before in this industry has an offer been made like the one I'm about to present to you now. I am so confident for John Anthony's picks for this Sunday. I am so sure about the skills his brought to bare and so anxious for you to get on the phone and dial the toll free number and for the first time in sports adviser history I'm going to guarantee our picks this weekend.

Brandon Lang:
What's that mean?

Walter Abrams:
What does that mean? It means this: you tell us how much you're betting with your bookie you lose, we cover, you heard me right that's risk free.

Brandon Lang:
Wow, that is all I can say, the phones are going to be flooded and they should be.

Walter Abrams:
Hey, John why don't you run down the pit falls facing the average better because when you think about it, a game this huge all the added dynamics without your expertise I guess the average better might as well just flip a coin.

Brandon Lang:
What's your mother's name?

Mitch:
Shelia.

Brandon Lang:
What street did you grow up on?

Mitch:
Atlantic Avenue

Brandon Lang:
Who do you like Monday night?

Mitch:
I don't know.

Brandon Lang:
Pick one.

Mitch:
That's your job.

Brandon Lang:
I'll do your job tomorrow, today you do mine, who do you like Monday night?

Mitch:
What are you talking about?

Brandon Lang:
Seattle versus New Orleans, stop stalling who do you like?

Mitch:
I guess Seattle, plus the two points

Brandon Lang:
Over or under?

Mitch:
No you can't do that

Brandon Lang:
No I can do that, over or under? Its forty four points

Mitch:
Over

Brandon Lang:
[Hands him the pick sheet] Seattle in the over, nice

Mitch:
I'm not going to turn that in there's like a million dollars riding on that game

Brandon Lang:
There's like a whole lot more than that, we all know I can pick, today I'm picking you and the outcome will be the same