Two Night Stand

Megan:
I think you severely overestimated your ability to break hearts.

Alec:
Did you just call my penis big?

Megan:
No... no, I did not. I just called the implication of your penis big.

Megan:
You are an a**hole in so many languages...

Alec:
Look at 'em - a million tiny, little matchmakers. Thank you, snowflakes.

Alec:
You couldn't just sh*t in the sink, huh?

[while going down on a pleasantly satisfied Megan]

Alec:
Japanese Alphabet... thank you Rosetta Stone.

Megan:
I bet you 150 bucks you're going to die alone.

Alec:
Well, my future smoking hot widow will gladly accept your money.

Megan:
[looking into Alec's empty refrigerator] We're gonna starve.

Alec:
Not if you like mustard.

Daisy:
[about their breakup note] I see what's going on here. You read this, and then you wanted me to find this slutty little lipstick haiku so that you could be the one who ended us.

Alec:
It's not a haiku; there's not enough syllables.

Alec:
She can do that? She can refuse my bail, are you serious? Okay, uh, look, I just need to talk to her.

Police Clerk:
You can only visit during visiting hours, and if and only if the person wants to see you, which I'm going to guess she doesn't being that she'd rather be locked in jail than see your face.

Alec:
Wow... rude.