Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

Jonny:
I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.

Jonny:
My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari.

Janet:
Jonny, I'm not pregnant.

Jonny:
Oh thank f*** for that!

Janet:
Louise, if you get any bonier you're gonna look like the Jolly Roger.

Gaz:
I need a sort of... a sort of chunky woman, you know, who brings me sandwiches and puts Matey in me bath.

Gaz:
Donna - I've never asked you this before and it seems a bit stupid since we've been shagging each other's brains out for the last month but... would you like to go for a drink sometime?

Louise:
You've never practiced safe sex in your life. You've picked up more dirt than a JCB in your time!

Donna:
I'm fine with porn. What I'm not fine with is enough porn to keep the entire British forces from missing their girlfriends!

Janet:
I got into his head. It's amazing what a bit of male psychological manipulation can do. And getting my baps out on the first date didn't do any harm either...

[running down the stairs]

Jonny:
I heard the sound of tumbling biscuits!

Gaz:
[in bed with Donna] Fancy a bit of "role play", then? My sleeping beauty, I am your prince and shall awaken you with my mighty sword. [thrusts] I'm going to *stab* you with it.

Gaz:
[the song Gaz sings every night before he sleeps so not to dream about sheep] Bringing in the sheep, bringing in the sheep. What do we do before we sleep? We bring in all the sheep.

Gaz:
[on the subject of Janet and Jonny having a baby] Imagine his face on her tits!

Jonny:
I often have.

Louise:
[Talking about her new boyfriend, James] I went up to him and asked "Are you posh?" And he said "Posh-ish" Which is like such a posh thing to say. So I said "I'll have you then"

Gaz:
[Gaz has asked Donna to marry him and she has refused] Donna listen, I'm gonna make you say "yes" cos I love you, and I know for as long as I live I never want another woman...except on my stag night and on holiday. Or when you're pregnant or ill. Or when the painters are in...or when you're on you're period. That's it.

Jonny:
[Explaining that he wants to be his friend] No, Janet explained it all to me. Theres nothing more beautiful than the love between a man and another man.

Gaz:
No, theres nothing more beautiful than the love between a man, a man, a man, and a very dirty woman.

Jonny:
[waking up] Rock me Amadeus!

Gaz:
I am the master of cunning.

Donna:
Surely masturbation must burn off a few pounds?

Gaz:
Well when you broke up with me, I couldn't be bothered. Now I just can't reach.

Louise:
[Giving Janet advice on her sex life] Try doing something Kate never did for him.

Janet:
Ooh... Well I do have an incredibly flexible twat.

Donna:
[Acting like a bloke] I'll tell yae what yae need! Yae shut yaer chuffin' mooth until yae spoken tae or I'll twat yae into next week!

Gaz:
Can Mr. Squirty Pen write his name in your love tunnel?

Donna:
Now, let me think. When did I last see my own clout?

Gaz:
[In the pub, holding a steak and kidney pie] Who invented the pie? I mean what a genius. 'Cos you've got the subtle flavour of the steak, mixed with the texture of the finest kidney, and all that against the backdrop of the crumbley buttery pastry. If that man was here now I'd shake his hand.

Jonny:
I'd kiss him.

Gaz:
You big poof.

Gaz:
[after pulling off Donna's fake lips] Donna, Donna, Donna... You knob head.

Jonny Keogh:
Here's Johnny!!

Louise:
I haven't felt this undignified since I trumped during my smear. And not through my bottom.

Gaz Wilkinson:
Oh Jonny Jonny Jonny. You know what I do when the troubles of the world are on my shoulders?

Jonny Keogh:
Do you drink them all away Gaz? Is that the answer? Is it?

Gaz Wilkinson:
Nope, I go on the pull. Come on, I've had no action for a week.

Jonny Keogh:
Can't we just go round your flat and get pissed?

Gaz Wilkinson:
No we're going out! Gonna get you a woman, and take your mind off being jobless.

Jonny Keogh:
I don't want a girlfriend. And I don't wanna go out on the pull.

Janet Keogh:
How the hell does a baby's head come out of something so small?

Jonny Keogh:
Small? You think a lot of yourself don't you.