Türkisch für Anfänger

G?lcan S?leman:
Of course there are Turkish 'thingy'. We've also had a female Prime Minister in Turkey, at a time when Angela Merkel hadn't even climbed over the wall yet.

Lena Schneider:
[voiceover] I won't say anything anymore. Then he can't be mean to me.

Cem ?zt?rk:
Gawk at the wall, chick.

Lena Schneider:
[voiceover] OK. He still can.

Costa Papavassilou:
That's not the first time, Herr ?zt?rk, that Greeks are a step ahead of Turks. I'll just say EU, EC, sex.

Metin ?zt?rk:
You do not even know what EU is!

Costa Papavassilou:
So what? I know what sex is.

Lena Schneider:
He loves conspiracy theories. He even read "The Da Vinci Code' three times.

Yagmur ?zt?rk:
Because he didn't understand it.

Metin ?zt?rk:
That's why you misused a federal alarm system?

Diana Schneider:
A wedding is more important than murder.

Yagmur ?zt?rk:
That's her favourite music, she used to listen to it all the time.

Lena Schneider:
[voiceover] Which explains her death.

Doris Schneider:
Toast Hawaii.

Metin ?zt?rk:
Yes, now I see it, too.

Doris Schneider:
We were out of pineapple, so I used apples. I guess it's more 'Toast Altes Land'.

Cem ?zt?rk:
I'm a Turk. We fight only once.

Cem ?zt?rk:
Ey, if you're planning to save yourself for marriage or some such bullshit, tell me right now. I'll get ice cubes, then.

Ulla Jarmuschke:
Lutheran for beginners: All forbidden exotic fruit are strictly recommended.

Lena Schneider:
Kill, cry, shoot, die, run away, faint, scream, explode, sink into the ground, become invisible, wake up. Stop, what was second again? Right. Cry.

Diana Schneider:
What is Markus doing at the compost?

Doris Schneider:
Searching snails for his dinner.

Lena Schneider:
[to Doris] I am so desperate that I have to talk to you.

Markus Lemke:
[to Lena] You are impertinent, vindictive, an ice block. I cannot imagine that we'll ever get along.

Lena Schneider:
[to Markus] Dilapidated, conceited, stinks, egocentric, no special interest in me, could drop dead without me being earnestly concerned.

Markus Lemke:
What if I had information.

Lena Schneider:
I'd say: Congratulations, and nice trip home.

Markus Lemke:
I know who Cem is seeing.

Markus Lemke:
You went through his things like a zombie in search for meat.

Lena Schneider:
I already have a mother who expresses herself the Shaman way.

Markus Lemke:
Your mother, Lena, is a bloody beginner. I have been living with the Mehikanu for 17 years. I know more than a white man should ever know.

Lena Schneider:
[voiceover] sh*t. Did I just say he was useless?

Cem ?zt?rk:
Lena must never know that we're seeing each other.

Ulla Jarmuschke:
You mean I'm supposed to lie?

Cem ?zt?rk:
Or else Lena will poison us in the night, saw us up, freeze us, and Doris will work us piece by piece into one of her horrendous meals.

Lena Schneider:
[about pottery class with Axel] This can be erotic, too, remember that scene in 'Ghost'!

Cem ?zt?rk:
I hate chick flicks! The lovers always get together way too late.

Hans-Hermann Schneider:
Those things are as hard as Kruppstahl!

Doris Schneider:
These are muffins.

Hans-Hermann Schneider:
That's munition!

Cem ?zt?rk:
Have you ever said 'I love you'?

Costa Papavassilou:
What are you implying, dude? We're just friends, aren't we?

Cem ?zt?rk:
I mean, to a girl.

Lena Schneider:
You know, I always stand up for minorities, but - JUMP, AT LAST!

Doris Schneider:
We have all been in love with a wild young man, once.

Metin ?zt?rk:
You - Eco-polygamist!

Doris Schneider:
Eco-polygamist?

Cem ?zt?rk:
What does that mean?

Lena Schneider:
Slut who only buys organic groceries.

Metin ?zt?rk:
Maybe I'll kill somebody tonight, so I'll have something to investigate.

Lena Schneider:
Ooh... Cem, Cem... Cem!

Cem ?zt?rk:
...Ulla...

Doris Schneider:
What! About! The! Sentence! 'Get out of my life!' didn't you understand?

Lena Schneider:
Markus, I was blind drunk, I would've said OK if you'd given me the release button of a nuclear bomb!

Yagmur ?zt?rk:
Costa has to move away, to Bavaria, they're putting him into a boarding school!

Doris Schneider:
Oh God, a boarding school!

Lena Schneider:
Oh God, in Bavaria!

Doris Schneider:
[after having hit Markus over the head] Now I finally know what a frying-pan is for.

Doris Schneider:
Women in uniform. One would rather not know what THEY have to compensate.

Lena Schneider:
Tonight, movie in your room.

Cem ?zt?rk:
Now we're talking.

Lena Schneider:
You can take a German one, we won't notice much of it, anyway.

Lena Schneider:
We really can talk about it!

Cem ?zt?rk:
OK, let's talk about it. Now, I'm gonna go under your T-Shirt.

Lena Schneider:
You're not a virgin anymore!

Cem ?zt?rk:
Whatever gives you the idea that I... I mean, that I ever was one?

Lena Schneider:
You're new?

Ulla Jarmuschke:
[in a Jesus-costume, carrying a cross] I've been going to this school for four years.

Lena Schneider:
But only on Easter, or what?

Ulla Jarmuschke:
I have very fashionable loafers, which make me look like Uschi Glas a little.

Ulla Jarmuschke:
I know what's provocative, sometimes I even watch RTL in secret.

Doris Schneider:
Gurke, shut up, or I'll make salad out of you.

Doris Schneider:
Where do we start?

G?lcan S?leman:
Flowers. Flower arrangements. Their colour will be the theme for the whole wedding.

Doris Schneider:
Brown!

Diana Schneider:
[at the same time] Pink!

Doris Schneider:
Pink?

Diana Schneider:
[at the same time] Brown?

Metin ?zt?rk:
Doris will look so beautiful!

Doris Schneider:
I will look so hilarious.

Costa Papavassilou:
When I'm, like, f-f-forty, and a p-p-pilot, and then I say over the intercom 'L-l-l-ladies and G-g-g-gentlemen, please f-f-fasten your s-s-seatbelts, we're g-g-going through a st-st-storm' - till I'm f-f-finished, the st-st-storm w-w-will be over!

Metin ?zt?rk:
From now on, we'll solve our problems - that means your problems - together.

Diana Schneider:
Where's the pendulum?

Doris Schneider:
Ever since you didn't manage to reawaken Holger, we don't use the pendulum anymore.

Cem ?zt?rk:
Let me try. I may be still a virgin, but I'm better at the talking.

Metin ?zt?rk:
You mean, I have to oppress you more?

Doris Schneider:
In a positive sense, yes.

Axel Mende:
She wants to be saved by you!

Cem ?zt?rk:
Am I a prince? Do you see a horse anywhere around?

Yagmur ?zt?rk:
[on the phone] Costa, is that you?

Cem ?zt?rk:
[speaking Turkish, in a threatening voice] No, it's Cem.

Yagmur ?zt?rk:
[to Lena] I told you, those new cellphones are deadly.

Yagmur ?zt?rk:
Look, that's what he bought for me!

Lena Schneider:
That's what he stole for you.

Yagmur ?zt?rk:
Don't be so small-minded.

Costa Papavassilou:
You'll have to treat Lena decently now, otherwise it'll work against the image of southerners.

Costa Papavassilou:
You're the only man who can't even remember his first time.

Cem ?zt?rk:
Don't believe I love you or something stupid like that, just because we polished the mattress in delirium.

Lena Schneider:
[points to Cem's drink] What is it you're having?

Cem ?zt?rk:
'Sex on the beach'

Lena Schneider:
Why not in your room?

Doris Schneider:
Clear the dancefloor, beginners!

Metin ?zt?rk:
I'd also like to have the following DVDs: 'Shaft', but not the remake, 'Godfather' part two and, er, 'Sleepless in Seattle'.

Lena Schneider:
[voiceover] I am madly in love with Cem. He is so different when he's with me. And I'm so different when he's there. We are something like two souls. He is the puff pastry and I'm the sheep milk's cheese.

Costa Papavassilou:
I have to pee.

Cem ?zt?rk:
But standing up!

Lena Schneider:
[to Costa] You sit down to pee. Why can't Cem sit down to pee?

Lena Schneider:
[in tears, meets Metin, who is also crying] Hay fever.

Metin ?zt?rk:
Tear gas.

Lena Schneider:
Mom, please make him be nice again!

G?lcan S?leman:
Now go and make her a declaration of love that postpones the beginning of winter.

Diana Schneider:
Sweetie, if all the dream guys I smile at in the street would automatically send me E-Mails, my computer would explode.

Cem ?zt?rk:
[to his father] Come on, I know you love me, no kiss, please!

Doris Schneider:
Now we'll get to your power animal.

Lena Schneider:
No, not the crane again!

Doris Schneider:
I won't hold it against you, Cem, we have all been 17 at one time. If you don't leave her alone, be assured that you won't get much older than that.

Doris Schneider:
Anybody want anything from the supermarket?

Lena Schneider:
[voiceover] Me. My old life, please.

Lena Schneider:
Yagmur, tell me, what is it you're praying for?

Yagmur ?zt?rk:
That everything will return to the way it was and you will all move out.

Lena Schneider:
Send my regards up, I'll take the same.

Cem ?zt?rk:
There are some rules you should know, you know. This is my 'hood, my area, my street.

Lena Schneider:
You want to sell me real estate?

Doris Schneider:
You are so kitschy!

Metin ?zt?rk:
Yes, that's how I got you.

Lena Schneider:
You only got her because she is in her midlife crisis. Don't hold it against me, Metin, but if my mother were a man, you'd only be a Porsche.

Metin ?zt?rk:
[watching Lena through a window] You know, your daughter has something militant about her.

Doris Schneider:
Really? No, that's her friendly face.

Nils Schneider:
He's a crime scene analyst. He's told me that he only needs a pubic hair or something like that, and then he finds the criminal.

Lena Schneider:
So they'll never find you.

Doris Schneider:
[is supported by Lena and Nils in an exercise meant to leave fears behind] I am afraid that I won't be able to make Metin happy. Sexually, too.

Lena Schneider:
[her and Nils get up, disgusted, and go away]

Doris Schneider:
This exercise simply doesn't work with teenagers.

Lena Schneider:
[voiceover] Three weeks. Then you'll break up anyway.

Yagmur ?zt?rk:
[beckons to the waitress] Has pork been served on this plate? I guess so, since you offer pork dishes on the menu. I would like to have a fresh, wrapped plate. I'm muslim. That's a religion.

Lena Schneider:
[voiceover] Two weeks.

Doris Schneider:
Whatever she says, she doesn't mean it.

Lena Schneider:
Mom. Father. Siblings. To us! To the Schneider and the...

Metin ?zt?rk:
?zt?rk. Metin.

Lena Schneider:
To the Schneider and the ?z... n?ks. Cheers.

Cem ?zt?rk:
[his first sentence in the series] I hate China pubs, they put dogs in the food.

Lena Schneider:
[voiceover] A clich?. And it's alive.

Lena Schneider:
[Intro of every 1st season episode] That's me. Happy. Before my mom fell in love again. And my life was over. And now? Am I living in an extended family. And I really could have done without that.

Doris Schneider:
When I met Metin, Markus was completely forgotten.

Diana Schneider:
Get the popcorn, Eve is telling tales from the paradise again.

Cem ?zt?rk:
You don't laugh?

Ulla Jarmuschke:
No, why should I?

Cem ?zt?rk:
Because it's embarrassing?

Ulla Jarmuschke:
You're embarrassed by a lot of things, right?

Doris Schneider:
If you ever get near him again, I'll make you leave school.

Lena Schneider:
Er, this is no threat.

Ulla Jarmuschke:
What is 'Tokio Hotel'?

Cem ?zt?rk:
Spastos who got music instruments in rehab.

Ulla Jarmuschke:
A social project! Can one donate?

Cem ?zt?rk:
Ulla, you are so damn cute, I could freeze you right here and now to keep you fresh, man.

Ulla Jarmuschke:
Have you ever thought about how it would be to kiss me?

Cem ?zt?rk:
No, I only thought about when I should kiss you.

Cem ?zt?rk:
Not bad for a parson's daughter!

Ulla Jarmuschke:
This has only been a warm-up exercise for me.

Costa Papavassilou:
You just have to set her up on a date!

Cem ?zt?rk:
With whom? There is just no alternative to me.

Doris Schneider:
Gurke, you want to talk?

Lena Schneider:
No, I want to kill!

Doris Schneider:
Aren't you jealous at all? I mean, I have two kids with this guy.

Metin ?zt?rk:
You have four with me.

Yagmur ?zt?rk:
You wanted to talk to me, my big dear strong brother?

Cem ?zt?rk:
[to his Greek friend Costa] I really don't understand why you're in the EU. We are much more sensible.

Cem ?zt?rk:
XYZ?

Yagmur ?zt?rk:
Replace X with S, Y with E and Z with X!

Cem ?zt?rk:
Sez?

Hans-Hermann Schneider:
Not just Turks, homos, too!

Axel Mende:
Please don't go, Herr Schneider, he has a weapon down his trousers.

Hans-Hermann Schneider:
That's more detail than I wanted to know, little friend.

Doris Schneider:
You really want to go to that boarding school in Switzerland?

Nils Schneider:
I always wanted to meet other intelligent people.

Doris Schneider:
There he goes, the only man that still estimates me in my mid- twenties.

Metin ?zt?rk:
Doris, do you want to be my wife forever, even if you can't smoke dope anymore, or run away, or be on top?

Doris Schneider:
I have a kitchen, and kids, and I cried at the proposal - I'm a real woman!

Costa Papavassilou:
This afternoon at four there will be dating, dude.

Cem ?zt?rk:
And you're sure you don't have to give your bank account details first?

Yagmur ?zt?rk:
I won't change for anybody. Even if I'm the last person on earth who likes me.

Cem ?zt?rk:
He's supposed to move in with us, and in my room?

Doris Schneider:
Little man, come on, Nille's room is too small. You and Axel are the same age, you have much more in common.

Lena Schneider:
[voiceover] Yep. Me, for example.

Lena Schneider:
You don't wear make-up! If you go to your office like that, your patients will immediately get their next trauma.

Lena Schneider:
Sometimes, you really are a little stupid.

Cem ?zt?rk:
For an affair, it will suffice.

Doris Schneider:
I will NOT separate the laundry. It's 2006, I do have a driver's license and a doctor's degree, and I don't shave my legs in winter.

Cem ?zt?rk:
Girls, don't load the tampon cannons straight away!

Metin ?zt?rk:
Which ring will Doris like best?

Axel Mende:
Kommissar ?zt?rk, you'll have to ask someone with female empathy.

Metin ?zt?rk:
Yes, that's why I'm asking you.

Lena Schneider:
Cem, the U9 goes directly to the zoo. Just ask for the monkey-house at the entrance, and they'll take you home.

Diana Schneider:
He could invent a remedy for cancer or AIDS or... cellulite!

Cem ?zt?rk:
Are you shagging her, or what?

Metin ?zt?rk:
You want to be beaten right away, or drink something first?

Diana Schneider:
How could you cancel the white wedding on me! I would have been such a beautiful bridesmaid. The dress is so well cut, it halves my ass. What kind of Muslim are you?

Cem ?zt?rk:
Really, Babba. Shaman? Only Winnetou gets married that way.

Yagmur ?zt?rk:
[to her boy-friend] When your family smells my perfume, your sister will beat you again.

Ulla Jarmuschke:
You're looking good, as usual.

Cem ?zt?rk:
You don't, also as usual.

Metin ?zt?rk:
We're getting married tomorrow, and your daughter is crying!

Doris Schneider:
[Yagmur walks by, in tears] Not just mine.

Lena Schneider:
Kathi, you should see that. Chicken dance de luxe.

Markus Lemke:
Shall we dance?

Diana Schneider:
But only because this is such a beautiful song.