UHF

George Newman:
I need a drink.

Bob:
You don't drink.

George Newman:
Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.

Stanley Spadowski:
Watch out, Mr. Coyote... Aww.

Crazy Ernie:
If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal. That's right. I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, to, cause I'm crazy.

Stanley Spadowski:
Life is like a mop. Sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and hairballs and things and you gotta clean it out. You gotta stick it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks to the floor so much that a mop, a mop, it's not good enough. You gotta get down there with like a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off. But if that doesn't work, you can't give up. You gotta stand right up. You gotta run to a window and say, "These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more."

George Newman:
Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs - -all next week on Town Talk.

Pamela Finklestein:
"Broads don't belong in broadcasting"? Is that the kind of professional courtesy you teach your news department?

R.J. Fletcher:
Why, that's a terrible thing. I don't know how many time I've told those boys, never call chicks broads.

Stanley Spadowski:
I'm thinkin' of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange.

Stanley Spadowski:
Ok, now I'm thinkin' of something blue. Something bluuuuuue.

Bob:
How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.

George Newman:
You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and just bash my head right in. Go ahead. Really. Just BASH my head right in.

Bob:
George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me 5 bucks.

Joe Earley:
Can you believe this? Would you look at that? Just call me "Mr. Butterfingers." I think it's on the floor somewhere. Is my face red.

Kuni:
Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can hold on to your red snapper...

Kuni:
...or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle right now! What's it gonna be?

Phyllis Weaver:
I'll take the box. The box!

Kuni:
You took the box? Let's see what's in the box!

Kuni:
Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You're so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!

Bob:
I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.

George Newman:
Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.

Sy Greenblum:
Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company.

Stanley Spadowski:
George, you know I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know... hoooohhhhh... and all of a sudden you started screaming... aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh... Do you think your brain would blow up?

Bob:
Guys, I'm trying to work... Do you mind?

Stanley Spadowski:
I don't mind. Go right ahead... Do you mind, George?

Raul Hernandez:
For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.

Stanley Spadowski:
"These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more."

Raul Hernandez:
Badgers? Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers.

R.J. Fletcher:
This is an embarrassment. A disgrace. What do you think R.J. Fletcher Senior would be saying if he were alive today?

Richard Fletcher:
"Help me out of this box, I can't breathe in here. Help, let me out."

Stanley Spadowski:
George? What's the matter?

George Newman:
Stanley, you don't want to know.

Stanley Spadowski:
Huh? Why did I ask?

Philo:
Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to Secrets of the Universe. Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items.

George Newman:
Hey, kids. Where y'wanna go? That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all gonna grow old and die someday.

Little Weasle:
I wanna go home.

George Newman:
Shut up, you litle weasel... Okay. Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a saidistic roadrunner who MOCKS him and LAUGHS at him as he's repeatedly CRUSHED and MAIMED. Hope you ENJOY IT.

Stanley Spadowski:
Oh, Joel Miller, you've just found the marble in the oatmeal. You're a lucky, lucky, lucky little boy. 'Cause you know why? You get to drink from... the FIRE HOOOOOSE!

George Newman:
You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can.

Ghandi:
Give me a steak, medium-rare.

Raul:
Not many people know this, but the turtle is nature's suction cup.

Raul:
Look. It sticks.

Earl Ramsey:
Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let's get one thing straight. Guns don't kill people. I do.

Stanley Spadowski:
Mmm. This is pretty good water...

Stanley Spadowski:
Tastes like poop.

Teri:
Hello, stranger.

George Newman:
Teri, what are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again.

Teri:
Whatever gave you that idea?

George Newman:
Well, my first clue is when you told me you never wanted to see me again.

Bob:
Where did you find this guy?

George Newman:
Me? I thought you hired him.

Raul Hernandez:
This is my ant farm. These little guys can lift fifty times their own weight. They also spend weeks digging these little tunnels. And hey, they really hate it when you do this.

Raul Hernandez:
Oh look. They're really mad now.

Pamela Finklestein:
Yeah, so, can I help you?

George Newman:
Hi, I'm George Newman. I'm the new station manager.

Pamela Finklestein:
Ugh. You know, when I first took this job, they told me that this position would only be temporary, and that eventually, when the time was right, I would be moved up to news which is really my forte. You know how long I've been working here? Two years. It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss. This job really sucks.

George Newman:
Well, this is my friend Bob.

R.J. Fletcher:
This community means about as much to me as a festering ball of dog snot. You think I care about the pea-brained yokels of this town? If you took their combined I.Q., and multiplied it by a hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first. I can't stand those sniveling maggots. They make me want to puke. But, there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep. I always know I have them exactly where I want them. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Teri:
George, you've been bouncing from job to job ever since I've known you. You have to find some way of making your overactive imagination work for you instead of against you.

Teri:
What are you doing?

George Newman:
This is important. This means something.

Kuni:
Supplies!

R.J. Fletcher:
This is a TV studio, not a home for irresponsible pus-brains!

Bob:
...Well, I've got good news and bad news.

George Newman:
Tell me the bad news first, get it over with.

Bob:
The bad news is, at the rate things are going, my books predict that this station will be flat broke by the end of the month.

George Newman:
OUCH... So what's the good news?

Bob:
...I lied. There is no good news.

George Newman:
Hey, Kuni!

Kuni:
Hiya, George!

George Newman:
Beginner's class today, huh?

Kuni:
Yeah! They're so stupid! [A karate student is thrown out the window, it smashes and he falls to the pavement] STUPID!!!

R.J. Fletcher:
You idiot! Can't you do anything I tell you to do?! Does this look like a Number 2 pencil?!

Richard Fletcher:
No... but... I just thought --

R.J. Fletcher:
You thought?! I don't [snaps pencil in two] pay you to think!

Richard Fletcher:
But, Dad...

R.J. Fletcher:
SHUT UP!

R.J. Fletcher:
Do you see anything missing from this desk?

Stanley Spadowski :
[Snapping his finger and pointing] That stapler?

George Newman:
Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?

Stanley Spadowski:
Yeah yeah. That was FUN.

George Newman:
Great! How would you like to do that every day?

Stanley Spadowski:
Yeah! That would be neat - WAIT A minute! Do I...still get to be the janitor?

George Newman:
[Incredulously] Sure.

Stanley Spadowski:
It's a DEAL!

Announcer:
The world watched in amazement as he unlocked the secrets of Al Capone's glove compartment!

George:
Ah-ha! ROAD MAPS!!

One of Fletcher's thugs:
[Motioning towards George] Who is this guy?

George Newman:
[As Stallone's Rambo] I'm your worst nightmare!

R.J. Fletcher:
You are a worthless human being, Mr., um...

Stanley Spadowski:
Spadowski, sir. Stanley Spadowski.

R.J. Fletcher:
[chuckles] Might I call you Stanley?

Stanley Spadowski:
[chuckles] Okay...

R.J. Fletcher:
Stanley, YOU'RE FIRED!!

Stanley Spadowski:
But I-I-I didn't --

R.J. Fletcher:
GET OUT!!

Harvey Bilchik:
[lounging in his pool, answering his phone] YYYYO! Hey, Big Louie! So, what's up?

Big Louie:
Bad news, Mr. Bilchik. None of your horses came in.

Harvey Bilchik:
Aw, gee, too bad. So, what's the damages?

Big Louie:
Seventy-five thousand dollars.

George Newman:
Wait a minute... I think I'm missing something here.

R.J. Fletcher:
Oh? Didn't I tell you? I own this place now.

George Newman:
You what?!

R.J. Fletcher:
What's the matter, kid, you got wax in your ears?

George Newman:
But, my Uncle Harvey --

R.J. Fletcher:
Harvey Bilchik is flying in tomorrow night to close the deal!

Blind Guy:
[Turns Rubik's Cube] Is this it?

Bum:
Nope!

Blind Guy:
[Turns Rubik's Cube Again] Is this it?

Bum:
Nope!

George Newman:
HEY, KIDS! WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

Kids:
(Boring) To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse!

George Newman:
THAT'S RIGHT! I'M YOUR UNCLE NUTZY! AND BOY, OH BOY. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE SOME BIG FUN TONIGHT! Oh look and what in our kiddy corner. (To Billy) what's your name?

Billy:
Uh, Billy.

George Newman:
Billy what?

[Billy spits George Newman]

Kuni:
Today, One of these lucky contestant wins his or her weight of fish. Right here on......

Audience:
WHEEL! OF! FISH!

Kuni:
Okay, Let's play the game! We start with yesterday's winner, Mrs. Phyllis Weaver.

Kuni:
Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can keep your red snapper...[Hiro-San emerges, carrying a table with a box]...or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle right now!!! What's it gonna be? [Phyllis Weaver decides between the Red Snapper and the box. The audience points to the box]

Phyllis Weaver:
I'll take the box. The box! [the audience applauds]

Kuni:
You took the box! Let's see what's in the box! [Hiro-san opens the box, and the audience gasps: the box is completely empty!] Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!

Timid Man:
Can you tell me where I can find a book on astronomy?

Conan the Librarian:
[imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] Don't you know the Dewey Decimal System?!

George Newman:
Sex with furniture, what do you think?

George Newman:
Look up! Look down! Now look at Mr. Frying Pan! [George conks Bobbo in the face with the frying pan] Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Uuupsy-daisy...Aw, what's wrong, Bobbo? I bet I know! You're hungry, aren't you? [Bobbo honks his horn weakly] Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids alike just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies! [He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!!] Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? They're nutritious, too! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes 'em! [cut to a revolted Bobbo] Mmmm, THAT'S GOOOOOD!! [Bobbo looks ready to vomit] And don't forget folks, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's...[notices his mistake for the first time] Heh Heh Heh, UH-OHHH!! [Bobbo turns and glares at Uncle Nutzy as if to say "WHAT Uh-Oh?!?"] Bobbo's been eating...YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!! [a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."] That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste... [We hear Bobbo vomiting]... With just a hint of cheese...!

George Newman:
Oh, no. What time is it!? [arm with a watch breaks through the wall, George looks at the watch] Seven THIRTY!?

George Newman:
[to Satan] Oh, shut up, you pinhead! You make me SICK!

George Newman:
[Message left on Teri's answering machine] Teri! I'm sorry! Come on give me one more chance please! Come on Teri! Teri! Oh Oh I'm in hell! I'M IN HELL!! TERI TERI PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!!! OH OH TERI!!!!!! PLE-HE-HE-HE-HEASE!

George Newman:
[while sculpting a plate of mashed potatoes] This means something. This is important!

George Newman:
WE DID IT! THE STATION'S OURS!!

Stanley Spadowski:
MY MOP!!!

Stanley Spadowski:
This is pretty good watermelon...[pauses and considers]...Tastes like poop. I'm gonna eat some Corn Flakes.[grabs box of Corn Flakes] These are pretty good...WHOA!! Free toy inside! Free toy inside!! Let's find it. [rummages his hand in the box] Don't let your mom know that you do this.

R.J. Fletcher:
[speaking to the crowd at the telethon] Dear friends, I'm sure that one day you realize that by shutting down this hotbed of subversive activity...

Richard Fletcher:
[sarcastically, after having tripped up Noodles Macintosh] Awwwww, did I do that? Oopsie!

Teri:
George Newman, you are a thoughtless, insensitive CREEP! From now on you can forget all my birthdays, because WE'RE THROUGH!

Young book customer:
[in a preview for "Conan the Librarian"] These books are a little overdue. [Conan slices him in two!!]

Kuni (and other karate experts):
SUH-PLIIEES!!

Noodles Macintosh:
[having just vengefully stuck a foot out and tripped up Richard Fletcher, now throwing Richard Fletcher's sarcasm right back at him] Awwww... did I do that? Oopsie!

"Never call chicks broads" - RJ Fletcher