Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Kimmy Schmidt:
Day 2 in New York and you've already got a room with a door, a new pair of shoes and a black friend!

Kimmy Schmidt:
Are you kidding me?

Kimmy Schmidt:
No, I'm not .

Titus Andromedon:
But I already did something today!

Xanthippe Voorhees:
Disney has been lying to little girls. Stepmothers are not scary, nannies are not magical, and dwarfs do not let you spend the night at their house without expecting something.

Club Girl:
Do you like Molly?

Kimmy Schmidt:
Do I?

Kimmy Schmidt:
She's my favorite American Girl doll!

Kimmy Schmidt:
And you are gonna sing at the Grammys with Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson!

Titus Andromedon:
Bad examples, but yes!

[first lines]

Kimmy Schmidt:
Merry Christmas, sisters.

Cyndee Pokorny:
It's just beautiful, sister Kimmy.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Now which one of you guys have been chosen as my secret Santa?

Gretchen Chalker:
We can't not tell sister Kimmy. Then t'wouldn't be a secret. Duh! [all laugh]

Kimmy Schmidt, Cyndee Pokorny, Gretchen Chalker, Donna Maria Nu?ez:
[singing to the tune of Oh Christmas Tree] Apocalypse, Apocalypse. We caused it will our dumbness. [explosion and lights go out]

Matt Lauer:
I'm always amazed at what women will do because they're afraid of being rude.

Kimmy Schmidt:
I saw you steal this. Where is your grown up? Are you alone? Or are you some kind of tiny business man, sir?

Buckley Voorhees:
Stranger Danger!

[runs off]

Kimmy Schmidt:
I'm not Stranger Danger. I'm a Stranger Danger Ranger...

Kimmy Schmidt:
We should go out to celebrate. I mean, I got a job today. I got an apartment. I met you!

Titus Andromedon:
I envy you. I've never been able to meet me.

Charles:
Your hair smells good.

Kimmy Schmidt:
They checked it for lice at the hospital.

Titus Andromedon:
I'm pretty, but tough like a diamond. Or beef jerky in a ball gown.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Is it pronounced forte or fort?

Kimmy Schmidt:
I'm glad you like it. Like it? I really like it!

Kimmy Schmidt:
In my next life, I'm coming back as a baby.

Kimmy Schmidt:
I'll have a beer drink.

Kimmy Schmidt:
She plays the oboe in band. Not "a" band, band.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Logan is out of the triangle. Now it's just a biangle. Do you mean a straight line?

Kimmy Schmidt:
Don't you look lovely! And you don't not look lovely too.

Kimmy Schmidt:
It should be "fireworkS" not a singular ' a firework"...

Kimmy Schmidt:
...and I FINALLY have a bra that fits right, thanks to that bra salesman in the other van.

Kimmy Schmidt:
I mathed!

Kimmy Schmidt:
Are we going to be arrested, Copifcer?

Kimmy Schmidt:
My boss is being a real B.I.T.of a J.E.R.K.

Kimmy Schmidt:
You're a werewolf, just like in the Bible!

Kimmy Schmidt:
Kimmy's residence, Kimmy speaking.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Respect your step mom... she step-gave birth to you...

Kimmy Schmidt:
Why tree clams are so delicious... sorry, on the East coast you call them pistachios.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Now you're looking at me like I'm Jesus's crazy stepbrother Terry.

Kimmy Schmidt:
"Troll the respawn, Jeremy!"

Kimmy Schmidt:
What the hamsandwich?

Kimmy Schmidt:
Do you know some places call shrimp "prawns"? I do now!

Kimmy Schmidt:
the traditional flowers and meat of Indiana courtship

Kimmy Schmidt:
Hola morning!

Kimmy Schmidt:
I'm just Bubbreezing my problems.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Oh, no! Right?

Kimmy Schmidt:
Pardon my french, but Au Bon Pan!

Xanthippe Voorhees:
You don't have a cell phone?

Kimmy Schmidt:
Well I had a cellphone, Xan. Obvs. But I lost it. At the zoo. A monkey took it and she wouldn't give it back. Yeah, Xan. The monkey was a woman. Women can be anything these days"

Kimmy Schmidt:
Your comforter smells terrible.

Titus Andromedon:
It's my cologne - Dutch Oven.

Titus Andromedon:
I will be performing a wholly original song. The idea came to me in a dream last afternoon. It's called Pinot Noir...

Lillian Kaushtupper:
Classy.

Titus Andromedon:
...An Ode to Black Penis.

Lillian Kaushtupper:
I assumed.

Dong Nguyen:
Hello. I am Dong.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Hi... [giggling] Dong... I'm Kimmy.

Dong Nguyen:
[giggles] In Vietnam, Kimmy means penis.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Excuse me, Teach? Are we just going to watch a movie again tomorrow?

Mr. Lefkovitz:
Isn't tomorrow Saturday?

Kimmy Schmidt:
It's Tuesday.

Mr. Lefkovitz:
Dammit.

Kimmy Schmidt:
This is important to me. I want to learn real stuff, like why the sky is blue or why tree clams are so delicious. Sorry, on the East Coast you call them "pistachios."

Mr. Lefkovitz:
Look, my teaching style may be unconventional, but... [walks out of room]

Titus Andromedon:
Come on, spirit gum.

Titus Andromedon:
If you can keep Obama's human mask on over his lizard face, hashtag lizard truth, surely you can do this.

Xanthippe Voorhees:
Hey, Kimmy, 1996 called. It wants its clothes back.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Hey, Xan, 2090 called. You're dead and you wasted your time on earth.

Kimmy Schmidt:
[after she and Jacqueline eavesdrop on Julian] What are you doing? You have proof now. Get up there and give him heck for fudge's sake, gosh dang it!

Pat Battle:
Earlier today, tragedy striking the new musical "Spidermen 2: Too Many Spidermen", the show billed as the most flying Spidermen ever assembled on one stage.

Lillian Kaushtupper:
Change the channel, I can't get news from a woman.

Pat Battle:
This afternoon, six cast members were critically injured at the hands of Spiderman's two greatest foes: Gravity and floors.

Randy:
Hey! What did I tell you about using sarcasm, little lady?

Kymmi:
[boredly looking at her phone] That you don't know how to use it.

Randy:
Exactly!

Dong:
I came to New York because of movies like 'Wall Sugar'.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Wallstreet.

Dong:
Home by Myself Again.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Home Alone 2.

Dong:
And 'The Puppet Frog and the Pig Wife Take Manhattan'!

Kimmy Schmidt:
...'When Harry Met Sally'?

Titus Andromedon:
That boy is gay.

Kimmy Schmidt:
He's not gay.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Gay hasn't even gotten to Indiana yet.

Kimmy Schmidt:
There are rumors about Ohio.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Troll the respawn, Jeremy.

Titus Andromedon:
Black, gay and old?

Titus Andromedon:
I'm not gonna know which box to check on the hate crime form.

Lillian Kaushtupper:
Titus, cherish this time. Someday you'll wake up and you'll say, "Who's that old woman in the mirror?" And then she'll punch you, and you'll say, "That's not a mirror. That's an open window." What are we talking about again? Eh.

Cyndee Pokorny:
My fianc? and I have decided to go back to Durnsville, the city that never sleeps.

Kimmy Schmidt:
Is that siren still going off?

Richard Wayne Gary Wayne:
Heck the only book I ever read was The Good Book. The Andromeda Strain by Michael Crichton.

Jacqueline Voorhees:
Good morning, Kimmy!

Kimmy Schmidt:
Mrs... Not-Voorhees-Anymore... You look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Jacqueline Voorhees:
No, I got that lasered off.

Donna Maria Nu?ez:
[in Spanish] He's a monster! He deserves to rot in jail!

Chris:
Does anybody here speak Spanish?

Richard Wayne Gary Wayne:
Of course: She said that the bunker was great and she'd do it again.

Muscular Man:
You have no potential. Get out. [He brushes Titus off and turns and moves to sit in an over-stuffed chair]

Titus Andromedon:
[Aghast] But I rode a bus to get here! [pauses] A bus that went over a drawbridge! [pauses again] [Titus advances on the man] Fine, I don't need you! [pauses and stares angrily at the man and then turns abruptly and begins walking quickly away, intentionally knocking over a lamp that stands nearby as he does so] Bye Felicia!