Undateable

[east coast live]

Charlotte:
[laughs] I have a kid. Sorry, that comes out at random times. And I know what you're going to say: "You're too young to have a kid."

[Charlotte makes a squinty disbelief face]

Danny:
Uh, that was a really good impression of me, but uh...

Charlotte:
Oh, sorry, hold on, I forgot this part.

[Charlotte does a high kick toward the audience while seated, in a short skirted dress]

Danny:
Oh, oh! Don't want to show your male parts. Anyway, uh, listen...

[they both laugh with audience]

Charlotte:
You're showing your personality, so I feel like I can show my balls.

Danny:
[waits for audience, through smiling gritted teeth] Don't get us canceled twice!

[audience uproariously cheers, laughs, and applauds]

[east coast live]

Brett:
OK, don't be pissed at me, OK? As soon as I realized it was the groom, I had a shower, and then I just got out of there.

Shelly:
Be real with us, Brett: were you in that shower alone?

Brett:
Was I in the shower alone. Nope, there were two penises, so no.

Charlotte:
Sounds like some of my showers.

[dump to black]

Charlotte:
-marrying a gay guy?

Justin:
Just casually bring it up at work. You know, in the- in the- in the breakroom. You get a yogurt, you walk up there, you'll say, "You know what I love about this yogurt? The fruit at the bottom. And you know who else loves the bottom?"

Brett:
People in Detroit are terrible tippers.

Leslie:
Sweetie, it might not be Detroit. You can be a little bit snarky.

Shelly:
Oh, he doesn't know that word. Snarky is American for smart mouthed b*tch.

Danny:
Look, Brett just needs a push.

Justin:
He hates to be pushed. He fired his trainer for making him exercise.

Shelly:
Oh, I get that. My motto is no pain, let's get high and eat pizza.

Danny:
Alright guys, come on, hand over the keys that Justin gave you.

Shelly:
But I made a necklace out of mine.

Danny:
Shelly, you just attached a piece of string to the key.

Shelly:
I never said I worked hard on it.

Leslie:
It's like everything associated with the word Detroit has to suck. It's embarrassing. It's a joke of a team for a joke of a city.

Shelly:
I will not sit here while you talk about Detroit that way! She is a beautiful lady, with an ample bosom, and I love her! I was born here, and I plan to die here. Good day ma'am.