Undead or Alive: A Zombedy

Elmer:
Why are we at the Grand Canyon?

Sue:
The Colorado River is at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. [Looks at Luke and Elmer] Is this news to both of you?

Elmer:
Geography wasn't my thing. I was more of an arts and music guy.

Luke:
I was remedial.

Sue:
Yeah, but everybody knows that the Colorado River is at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I thought you were taking me to a fort at a crossing?

Luke:
Sue, please don't yell. He's the one who told you about the army and the fort and all that stuff. That's the first I ever heard of it.

Sue:
[Turns to Elmer] You were lying?

Elmer:
No, I wasn't lying. He's the one that's supposed to know this country like the back of his hand. I figured once we reached the Colorado it was either left or right to the fort. Personally, I was gonna go straight and let you take it from there with your suicide plot against the U.S. Army.

Sue:
I should've left you two for the Cursed.

Elmer:
It was your crazy uncle Geronimo set 'em loose. So I don't see either one of us is to blame for our problems right now.

Sue:
You wanna blame me for my uncle's curse? I'm not the one who drove him off a cliff, *soldier*. And if I hadn't've found you two idiots, they would have. I hope this plague kills all of you white people.

Elmer:
I ain't that big a fan of white people either, sister. At least we got f***ing wheels.

Sue:
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Elmer:
Wheels... the basic benchmark of civilization. You Indians are supposed to be so great and wise and everything; and I got sympathy for your situation, I do. But you'd still be dragging everything on the ground if we hadn't've brought wheels into this country. And horses. The f***ing Spanish brought you your horses, did you know that? Before they got here, you was just a bunch of savages in diapers dragging all your sh*t around on sticks and blankets.

Sue:
That is so ignorant.

Elmer:
Seems like you like our guns too; and I ain't even gonna start on the fire water sh*t.

Sue:
Did you invent the wheel, Elmer? No, you didn't. But you're gonna take personal credit for Western Civilization? Your monkey ancestors happened to be born in an area with abundant founder crops; big, slow ruminants, and a lateral continental axis that allowed for the development of agriculture, writing and maritime technology. Not to mention cross-species plagues, which are the real weapons of European conquest. So you invented smallpox; nice going *dick*!

Luke:
Monkey ancestors?

Sue:
Oh, Jesus Christ. Read a book!

Elmer:
What the hell kinda crazy book is that sh*t in?

Claypool:
You say another word and I'm gonna shoot that jaw clean off your face. Then I'm gonna take a sh*t in your chin hole.

Luke:
Well, in case they catch up, I've got Sparkles and Sunshine!

Claypool:
Damnit Cletus! What are you doing out there! making a 10-pound ass baby?

Cletus:
I'm sorry sheriff. I was trying to pee.

Claypool:
How did that go, genius? You figure it all out?

Cletus:
I think that thing we got might be worse than what we thought. [Cletus hands the sheriff something]

Claypool:
What the f*** are you handing me? A dead baby field mouse?

Cletus:
It ain't a dead baby field mouse!

Claypool:
[both grunt in disgust] You just made me touch your penis!

Luke:
[trying to escape the zombies at the fort,Luke discovers that the zombies ate his horse!] Frisky? Frisky!

Elmer:
Frisky's gone to horsy heaven. We'll say a few words later.

Luke:
You monsters! I loved Frisky! He was the best damn horse in the whole world and you ate him!