Vampires

Valek:
Isn't it beautiful? Something you'll never forget? I know I won't.

Jack Crow:
You ever seen a vampire?

Father Adam Guiteau:
No I haven't.

Jack Crow:
No... Well first of all, they're not romatic. Its not like they're a bunch of f***in' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, alright? Forget whatever you've seen in the movies: they don't turn into bats, crosses don't work. Garlic? You wanna try garlic? You could stand there with garlic around your neck and one of these buggers will bend you f***ing over and take a walk up your strada-chocolata WHILE he's suckin' the blood outta your neck, alright? And they don't sleep in coffins lined in taffata. You wanna kill one, you drive a wooden stake right through his f***in' heart. Sunlight turns 'em into crispy critters.

Valek:
For 600 years I have fed on your kind at will.

Jack Crow:
I killed my own father, padre. I got no trouble killing you.

Jack Crow:
Let me just ask you one thing - after 600 years, how's that dick workin', pretty good?

Father Adam Guiteau:
A master vampire, able to walk in the sunlight, unstoppable. Unless we stop him.

Jack Crow:
Can I ask ya somethin, Padre? When I was kickin? your ass back there... you get a little wood?

Father Adam Guiteau:
What?

Jack Crow:
Valek is the original! The source of the disease! The first vampire created by the Catholic Church...

Father Adam Guiteau:
By accident...

Jack Crow:
SHUT THE F*** UP!

Jack Crow:
Hey, Valek! Why don't you prove you can kick my ass! Come on, Untie me, you prick! F***ing pulse-smoking fashion victim!

Jack Crow:
Let me ask you a question. When you were stabbing that vampire in there?

Father Adam Guiteau:
Yeah?

Jack Crow:
Did you get a little wood?

Father Adam Guiteau:
Mahogany.

Jack Crow:
Excuse me?

Father Adam Guiteau:
Ebony.

Jack Crow:
What?

Father Adam Guiteau:
Teak.

Jack Crow:
Are you possessed by demons?

Father Adam Guiteau:
Major Chubby.

Jack Crow:
Language, Padre, language!

Father Adam Guiteau:
You didn't tell me they could do that!

Jack Crow:
I didn't *know* they could do that!