Veep

Selina Meyer:
I'm the Vice President of the United States, you stupid little f***ers! These people should be begging me! That door should be half its height so that people can only approach me in my office on their goddamn, motherf***ing knees!

Jonah Ryan:
I'm gonna get back to the White House. God, I love saying that!

Gary Walsh:
What did you do?

Amy Brookheimer:
You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 p.m

Gary Walsh:
Ooh.

Amy Brookheimer:
7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night. Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that.

Gary Walsh:
Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.

Amy Brookheimer:
You know, democracy is fantastic but it is also f***ing dull.

Gary Walsh:
Oh, my God. Is she falling asleep?

Amy Brookheimer:
No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV. Not on C-Span. The irony would be too huge.

Mike McLintock:
You sure you set this meeting for 8:00 A.M. today?

Sue Wilson:
Am I sure? [stares him down]

Mike McLintock:
Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that. Undressing me with your eyes.

Sue Wilson:
I'm adding more clothes, Mike.

Selina Meyer:
Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to f*** the pig before they roasted it?

Amy Brookheimer:
I wouldn't presume they took turns.

Selina Meyer:
You want me to be some sorta party puppet? You can stick your hand up my ass and work my mouth?

Andrew Doyle:
Yes please!

Selina Meyer:
[to her staff] And what were you bobbleheads doing while I was just getting earf... ked by father time?

Kent Davison:
Uh, ma'am, I spoke to Senator Doyle earlier, and he offered his input on configuration of guests.

Selina Meyer:
Doyle? You're kidding me. I'd rather get advice from a f***in' ouija board.

Sue Wilson:
[a group of elderly people are standing in a group] [to Kent] Sir, this is your beauty pageant of the nearly dead.

Selina Meyer:
So what, I had a horse as a kid, who didn't?

Gary Walsh:
Hmmm...

Selina Meyer:
I mean, have a pet, is what I meant.

Amy Brookheimer:
You know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever "they" are, should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.

Selina Meyer:
Jonah with money! God almighty, it's like if Hitler could fly!

Selina Meyer:
I gotta go to the bathroom. They have a bathroom here or do they put their turds up in the Cloud?

Kent Davison:
Down the hall, to the right.

Selina Meyer:
I hate this f***in' place.

Jonah Ryan:
Mom, do you think that you could talk to Uncle Jeff for me?

Ms. Ryan:
No.

Jonah Ryan:
I want a job on my own merits and I think that he's the guy to get it for me.

Jonah Ryan:
Someone has just flown two planes into my career.

Will:
I move as slowly as a Mississippi detective investigating the murder of a young black man.

Selina Meyer:
A suck up isn't going to fix a f*** up.

Mike McLintock:
Hey, it's the guy from "My Left Foot".

Jonah Ryan:
Are you here to steal the incorrectly-signed card, Gary?

Jonah Ryan:
Amy is an eight. And if all the other eights that I do want to have sex with see that I am eight capable, then I am going to be having sex with an eight very soon. It is intern season Gary.

Gary Walsh:
Do I look like a pimp to you?

Jonah Ryan:
You look exactly like a pimp.

Selina Meyer:
You're the head of communications, is that correct?

Mike McLintock:
Yes ma'am.

Selina Meyer:
Tuck your shirt in. Okay? Your dick is hanging out of your pants.

Selina Meyer:
Europe used to be my favorite continent. Now it's not even in my Top-5.

Ben Cafferty:
We all know the White House would work so much better if there wasn't a President, but there is, so we work around that.

Ben Cafferty:
Uzbekistan is between Turkmenistan and Icouldgiveaf***istan.

Richard Splett:
Richard T. Splett. Don't know why I said 'T'; my middle name is John.

Richard Splett:
SA. SHI. ME.

Mike McLintock:
Which way are you going to vote?

Selina Meyer:
The way my principles and conscience tell me to go.

Amy Brookheimer:
...Ok...

Selina Meyer:
Which way do you think that should be?

Selina Meyer:
Dan, did your boyfriend know anything about this?

Dan Egan:
I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence.

Selina Meyer:
That's like trying to use a croissant as a f***in' dildo.

Dan Egan:
I thought...

Selina Meyer:
[interrupts] No no no, let me be more clear. It doesn't do the job, and it makes a f***ing MESS! Get out of my office. [trips on papers on the floor] GARY!

Gary Walsh:
Yes ma'am, yes ma'am!

Selina Meyer:
I need something!

Gary Walsh:
Okay, is there something specific?

Selina Meyer:
I don't f***ing know, I just need something!

Ben Cafferty:
We are at DEFCON f***.

Ben Cafferty:
Oh no, that's a f***ing wire brush to my hemorrhoids.

Selina Meyer:
Jonah, Go, period. F*** period. Yourself, EXCLAMATION POINT!

Selina Meyer:
Go, period. F***, period. Yourself, EXCLAMATION POINT!