Vengeance Unlimited

Chapel:
You know that show, "Touched by an Angel"? Well, this ain't it.

KC:
You hate me, don't you?

Chapel:
No, but my love can take strange forms.

KC:
Where did you get a million dollars?

Chapel:
Paper route.

[after hitting a guy with a Bible]

Chapel:
Those Gideons make a very effective product, don't they? And they're free - what's up with that? What do they do, sneak into hotel rooms at night? Have you ever met a Gideon? I guess not.

Chapel:
What do I want? I want to go back in time and stop John from meeting Yoko.

[after Chapel has successfully executed another elaborate scheme]

KC:
Quick question.

Chapel:
Yeah?

KC:
Are you Satan?

Chapel:
No.

KC:
Just checking.

[Looking through Chapel's fake ID's]

KC:
IRS, phone company, sewer inspector... that's just to get the chicks, right?

Chapel:
Works every time.

Chapel:
If you try that again, I'll break every bone in your body, one per second. That's 206 seconds, maybe seven, give or take a bone.

Schiller:
Are you out of your freakin' mind?

Chapel:
Anything's possible.

[Hauling out a bad guy rolled up in a carpet]

Bradford:
Is there a guy in there?

Chapel:
Yeah. He sold me a bad rug. I was pretty mad about it.

[repeated line]

Mr. Chapel:
Oh my goodness.

[repeated line]

Mr. Chapel:
Anything is possible

Mr. Chapel:
Women are funny. I'm still trying to figure them out myself.

Eddie Faragut:
You're a liar.

Mr. Chapel:
Oh, my goodness - that's terrible.

Mr. Chapel:
What's a matter? Can't sleep?

KC Griffin:
Not ah. [unintelligible]

KC Griffin:
You either?

Mr. Chapel:
I don't.

KC Griffin:
Ever? [sitting down next to him]

Mr. Chapel:
Not usually.

KC Griffin:
Then why you bother even getting a room?

Mr. Chapel:
I need some place to hang my suits.

KC Griffin:
[they both laugh] Another Chapel mystery solved.

Mr. Chapel:
Yeah.

KC Griffin:
Yeah.

Mr. Chapel:
Hum. I wish I could tell you that, everything that happened was just a bad dream. And that it was all going to go away, life was gonna go back to what it was before, but... we are what happens to us. And at the end of the day, that's all we got.

KC Griffin:
Two million dollars; where'd you get it? [looking at Chapel load a briefcase with money]

Mr. Chapel:
I got a paper route.

Mr. Chapel:
It's been my experience that two million dollars usually leaves a person somewhere inbetween giddy, and stupid.

Mr. Chapel:
What's a matter? Can't sleep?

KC Griffin:
Not ah. [unintelligible] You either?

Mr. Chapel:
I don't.

KC Griffin:
Ever? [sitting down next to him]

Mr. Chapel:
Not usually.

KC Griffin:
Then why you bother getting a room?

Mr. Chapel:
I need some place to hang my suits.

KC Griffin:
[they both laugh] Another Chapel mystery solved.

Mr. Chapel:
Yeah.

KC Griffin:
Yeah.

Pam Broder:
So, has anybody actually ever paid you this money?

Mr. Chapel:
Well, it just takes one.

Pam Broder:
Hello? [answering her cellphone]

Teddy Hix:
[on the other line] You two make a cute couple.

Pam Broder:
It's him, he's watching.

Mr. Chapel:
[after taking the cellphone from Pam] Hey there, Ted.

Teddy Hix:
I'm gonna give you a choice: stay and die, or go and live.

Mr. Chapel:
Oh, come on now - that's not very nice. Let me ask you a question, Ted; you ready? Here it is: do you have an innie or an outie?

Teddy Hix:
What? [confused]

Mr. Chapel:
Your navel, Ted. I'll tell you why I asked. I've been doing some reading and they say men with outies like to cross-dress and bake pies. Does that sound like you?

Teddy Hix:
So, I guess I'm killing you. [hangs up]

Pam Broder:
Let me guess - you were destabilizing him?

Mr. Chapel:
That was a very legitimate survey.

Chuck Bidally:
I guess this is dying, huh? [lying on the ground with a stab wound]

Mr. Chapel:
Hey, Chuck.

Chuck Bidally:
What?

Mr. Chapel:
Don't die.

Chuck Bidally:
Oh, okay.

Mr. Chapel:
I'm serious.

Chuck Bidally:
I can see that.

Mr. Chapel:
Will you, ah, help me put this on?

[picks up a straight jacket lying on the bed]

KC Griffin:
Finally, something that makes complete and total sense.

KC Griffin:
Ow - I get to watch the doggie! [in a cute voice while petting a dog]

Mr. Chapel:
Yeah, and you get to walk him to, so don't forget the poop 'n' scoop.

Mr. Chapel:
I think I'm going to miss me. I was a great guy.

[watching a court proceeding trial about his faked death]

KC Griffin:
Hum. Time will ease the pain.

[after impersonating a nun]

KC:
I'm going straight to Hell.

Chapel:
Maybe just to heck.

Joseph Budnick:
So what are you, some kind of cop?

Chapel:
I'm just a guy who gets up every morning. I look around and I see people like you, and it makes me kind of sick. You all look the same, you're all greedy, full of yourselves, and I wonder if there's a big dome someplace where they grow you.

Chapel:
I'm going to need that favor. It's kind of karmic the way it keeps circling around and coming back to you.

Tim Scanlan:
Does anybody ever understand what the hell you're talking about?

KC:
What's wrong with you?

Chapel:
Plenty. We live in a world, you and I, where people can kill someone and get a book deal out of it because they hire the right lawyer, or they get an acting teacher who teaches them how to cry on camera.

KC:
You think you can change all that?

Chapel:
Well, maybe not, but I don't have to tolerate it.

Chapel:
You smell that? Fresh-baked brownies. That's what life's all about.

Jack Schiller:
What are you? Out of your freaking mind?

Chapel:
Anything's possible.

Chuck Bidally:
What are they saying? Huh? [as Chapel listens into with a bug to his targets across the room]

Mr. Chapel:
Well, Chuck, these guys make the slime in a dump seem like Holy water. All I can think of is: how much I love my job.

Chuck Bidally:
Hey man, ah, these are from Samantha's description. Their names are Aaron W. McClane, captain, Fort Bragg. I was in the army myself and I know his type; a real piece of work. I, ah, have been watching him long enough to ID his best buddy Jesse Fisher. Jesse was the driver. McClane did thee actually, ah...

Mr. Chapel:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chuck Bidally:
Well, anyway, I-I know, you know, I did you that favor and you're out of my life and all that. Ain't no way I can come up with that million dollars. I want these guys whacked.

Mr. Chapel:
Can't do it. [shaking his head no]

Chuck Bidally:
If you could just see what they did to her. If you knew what it was like to watch a woman die from the inside... [speaking of his friend who was brutally raped]

Mr. Chapel:
I do know. I've seen it.

Chuck Bidally:
Oh, pretty nifty work there, kiddo. He was out cold and you still managed to get thee, ahhh...

Marian:
What we professionals call a "Clinton corsage". [after handing Chuck a specimen jar]

KC Griffin:
You mean he actually thinks he hired you? Like he's a regular client?

Mr. Chapel:
Well, he thinks he's innocent; that's the funny thing about people. Everybody thinks they're the good guy. They're just waiting for somebody to come along and agree with them.

J.J.:
You're gonna hit me again, aren't you?

Chapel:
Yes, yes I am, J.J.

J.J.:
Why?

Chapel:
Well, when I was a kid I... I lost a toy pony and I'm still mad.

J.J.:
You, ah, visiting somebody, or you just passing through?

Chapel:
Business.

J.J.:
Oh, yeah? What kind?

Chapel:
I sell diapers.

J.J.:
Make a good living?

Chapel:
Well, J.J., it's been my experience that, ah, there's an awful lot a wet little butts out there that need wiping.

Chapel:
[leading J.J. on] You know, J.J. - you have any idea how much I love killing women? [laughs] I mean, I wouldn't even hurt a dog, and my minimum price for a guy is ten thousand dollars. But women - free. Same goes for cats. There's anything more fun than killing a woman, it's killing a cat. [laughs some more] Yeah, you know one time, this friend of mine, he had this dancer that was bothering him, and he wanted me to, ah... well, you know. Anyway, you know what show she was in? Cats! [laughs hard for J.J] That was a good day. I'll never forget it. She had a little fuzzy outfit on, with the whiskers and everything... [laughs some more] Oh boy, you know - sometimes I think my best days are behind me.

Mr. Chapel:
In a world of chaos, wrinkle-free shirts keep me sane.

Mr. Chapel:
Thee, ah, subject of the memo is: Dress Codes. In order to promote a more work-friendly environment, female employees will be required to raise the hem of theirs skirts to an attractive level. All portly and matronly women disregard this notice.

Chapel:
In a world of chaos, wrinkle-free shirts keep me sane.

Garcos:
Where are the other two?

KC:
It's bad. Really bad.

Chapel:
Now, don't exaggerate. They'll walk again.

KC:
Yeah, with canes.

Chapel:
It'll make them look debonair.

Chapel:
Hey, c'mon, you haven't lived until you've had a horse tranquilizer.

Chapel:
Somewhere along the line, your values took a tumble. What do you think it was? Drugs? Hookers? Maybe it was those free tickets to the Ice Capades?

Mr. Chapel:
The shortest distance between two points, is a fist full of cash.

Mr. Chapel:
I don't want him in my way again. [speaking of a fellow co-worker getting in their way]

KC Griffin:
You wouldn't hurt him, would you?

Mr. Chapel:
No. He wouldn't feel a thing.

Franklin Dekker:
Oh, by the way, I got some literature I'd like to share with you. [hands Mr. Chapel, posing as somebody else, a brochure with the Nazi swastika on it]

Mr. Chapel:
[looking at it, rubbing it angrily] Good quality paper.

Franklin Dekker:
Printed it myself.

Mr. Chapel:
One of these days you and I gonna have to have a little chat about... race relations.

Franklin Dekker:
I'm looking forward to it.

Mr. Chapel:
Yeah, me, too... [pocketing the brochure, keeping calm]

Mr. Chapel:
Gulch, open the door. [as over half a dozen skin-head Nazi prisoners approach]

Conner Gulch:
[looking at Mr. Chaep through a small window in the Solitary Confinement entrance door] I don't think so.

Mr. Chapel:
Redemption... [opens the door rigged from shutting with the Nazi brochure] You flunk! [grabbing and tossing Gulch in with the Nazi's]

Conner Gulch:
Chapel! Chapel! [banging on the door]

Mr. Chapel:
[tosses the brochure over his shoulder, walks to the wall alarm button and stops momentarily before hitting it with a fist] I shouldn't have to work this hard.

Mr. Chapel:
Gulch, open the door. [as over half a dozen skin-head Nazi prisoners approach]

Conner Gulch:
[looking at Mr. Chapel through a small window in the Solitary Confinement entrance door] I don't think so.

Mr. Chapel:
Redemption... [opens the door rigged from shutting with the Nazi brochure] You flunk! [grabbing and tossing Gulch in with the Nazi's]

Conner Gulch:
Chapel! Chapel! [banging on the door]

Mr. Chapel:
[tosses the brochure over his shoulder, walks to the wall alarm button and stops momentarily before hitting it with a fist] I shouldn't have to work this hard.

Judge Christopher Washington:
You're not going to try and make me care, are you counselor? 'cause that's gonna irritate the hell out of me, and it's only nine o'clock in the morning.

Mr. Chapel:
Baby - don't wrinkle daddy's jacket. [to the female villain whom embraces him]

Mr. Chapel:
Oh, my, she looks very upset. You I.R.S. guys can be so rude.

Mr. Chapel:
He sold me a bad rug. I'm really angry about it. [carrying a large rug he just dragged down some stairs with an unconcious man, with Bradford helping]

Tamara Simpson:
Who are you?

Mr. Chapel:
I'm... just that guy that you knew that you would meet. I think that deep down inside that maybe you're not that bad. But you've done a lot of really bad things. You must have known I was going to come along sooner or later.

[Pretending to have killed a female client]

Chapel:
Women. For a guy like me, it's always gonna end at some incinerator, holding a piece of footwear.

[Remembering his time in El Salvador]

Colonel:
Have you ever been beaten half to death by wooden rakes?

Mr. Chapel:
I sat through "The English Patient".

KC Griffin:
[reading a post card from Elena] On the flight all of us took a very democratic vote and we decided to return Ponce and Rumano to El Salvador. Or maybe it was Nicaragua. Hard to tell from ten thousand feet.

Chapel:
Yeah.

KC Griffin:
Now that's tough love. Whoa.

Theresa Greco:
So, you help me out of all this, and all I owe you is a million dollars?

Chapel:
Sorta like that.

Theresa Greco:
Do you take food stamps?

Chapel:
No. But I have a prudent buyer's plan.

Theresa Greco:
Which is?

Chapel:
Some day you owe me a favor.

Theresa Greco:
A million dollars or a favor. Yeah, well, I saw that movie and I'm really flattered...

Chapel:
That's not what I meant.

[after Chapel returns a woman's earring]

Theresa Greco:
What did you need it for?

Chapel:
You can use those to pick locks.

Theresa Greco:
Where'd you learn that?

Chapel:
My mom. She was very handy.

[IRS agent Gifford Marshall attempts to subdue Mr. Chapel and ends up on the floor holding his knee, writhing in pain]

Chapel:
Don't worry about that. It'll be okay in a couple of months. It's amazing what they can do with plastic nowadays.

Chapel:
I walked into a bar one time, and I bumped into a guy. He pulled a gun on me. And I said, "Hey, I'm sorry." And he said, "You know, if you let one person bump you, pretty soon everyone's going to start bumping you."

Theresa Greco:
So what happened?

Chapel:
Well, he has a new shoulder now. It's amazing what they can do with plastic. Anyway, my point is that some kids don't know how to play with others, so you just...

KC:
...have to give them a new shoulder.

Chapel:
Well, yeah, there you go.

Gifford Marshall:
This is an official IRS investigation. What's your name?

Chapel:
I'm Gumby, dammit.

Otto Carson:
Mr. Chapel, I don't, ah, want to get emotional about this, but I think this is important that you know: the Internal Revenue Service is thee least corrupt, most efficient tax gathering organization in the world.

Chapel:
Take it easy, Otto - I'm... getting all misty.

Dr. Alan Walker:
[upon finding Mr. Chapel in his home] How'd you get in here?

Mr. Chapel:
Magic.

Mr. Chapel:
I've been taking a look at some of your files here. You put away a lot of bad guys. Your father worked for Hoover. Did those guys wear dresses back then, like they say, or was that like optional?

Dr. Alan Walker:
Don't talk about my father!

Mr. Chapel:
I know; you looked up to him, which is funny, because all he ever did was his job. Never wrote any bestsellers, and never went on any talk shows. He sure as heck never met Tom Hanks. Anyway, I got a proposal for you. What do you think about Pauly Shore, as you, to put a different spin on things? I mean, let's face it; life right now, isn't very important. It's the movie that's gotta be great. And Pauly brings in the kids. Anyway, mull it over. Give me a call. You're gonna be really famous, just like I promised. So famous you won't believe it.

Dr. Alan Walker:
[consulting with his team at FBI Headquarters as Mr. Chapel and KC observe via secret video surveillance] Eleven crime techs, five analysts, three so-called investigators, and nobody - NOBODY! - CAN FIND ANY EVIDENCE THAT THIS MAN WAS IN MY HOUSE? HE WASN'T EVEN WEARING GLOVES! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN HOW TO TAKE FINGERPRINTS?

Agent Stuart Brownsteen:
We found oils; we know he touched things, but there were no prints. It was like, I don't know, he didn't have any!

[KC looks over at Mr. Chapel, who conspicuously conceals his hands under his arms]

[Mr. Chapel and KC observe via secret video surveillance]

Dr. Alan Walker:
All right, listen up, here's what we have so far: an organized offender, someone skilled and experienced in violence. But he would never use a gun, oh no, THAT wouldn't be personal enough! A dark sense of humor, with roots in personal tragedy, a stressor that set him upon his current path; a searing personal loss that has cut him off from all personal ties. He needs to control his emotions and his environment, yet requires complete freedom. So he seeks familiarity by staying in a hotel chain, the same one wherever he goes. I've already contacted -

KC Griffin:
[to Mr. Chapel, while Walker continues speaking] Good guess, huh?

[Mr. Chapel nods uncomfortably]

Dr. Alan Walker:
- local law enforcement, and made this search a top-level priority. I've got local units spearheading a door-to-door search of every chain, hotel and motel, within the city limits. They have our composite, so I want a tactical unit ready to roll on their signal. Any questions?

[Hearing the sounds of multiple cars outside, KC moves to the window as FBI continues talking, and sees police cars converging in the parking lot]

KC Griffin:
Uhh, Mr. Chapel? That "door-to-door search" is at OUR door. I don't remember this part of the plan.

Mr. Chapel:
That's 'cause it's not.

KC Griffin:
[shocked] What?

Mr. Chapel:
This guy is good.

Police Officer #1:
[knocking on their motel room door] Police! Open up! [knocking continues]

Mr. Chapel:
He's VERY good.

[Searching for Mr. Chapel, two police officers hastily leave after bursting into the motel bathroom as KC is in the shower. Once the police have gone, Mr. Chapel steps out from the rear of the running shower]

Mr. Chapel:
You oughtta have that mole looked at.

KC Griffin:
[letting go of the shower curtain, revealing she is fully dressed from the shoulders down] It's a freckle.