Very Close Quarters

[first lines]

Alex:
Maria. Telephone. I think it's your boyfriend.

Boris:
[narration] This is our communal flat in Moscow. We have 31 people living here. We share one bathroom, one kitchen, one toilet, and one telephone. I ask you, is this a way to live?

Vadik:
[amorously] Why don't you let me walk you to work.

Vera:
Alright. There's a girl *your* age I want you to meet.

Galina:
Everyone in our family has had a family young!

Vera:
Except me.

Pavel:
You know, I was reading in Scientific Soviet the other day, every person spends a year and a half, to two years of his life on the can.

Boris:
So?

Pavel:
So, it's a waste. Some day our scientists will invent a portable device and eliminate the toilet altogether.

Senile Woman:
The toilet doesn't eliminate, we eliminate in the toilet.

Boris:
No, eliminate, no eliminate the waste of time.

Pavel:
In all of time there's be quite a lot of waste to eliminate.

Boris:
Eliminate the waste of time on the can!

Senile Woman:
You're wasting my time.

Senile Woman:
Your time *is* waste.

Pavel:
It's a lot of sh*t!

Galina:
I beg you, in memory of your dear departed father.

Vera:
Whoever he is...

Boris:
Let's set a time-limit on going to the bathroom. Yes a time-limit, three minutes for children, five minutes for adults.

Irina:
Seven, seven for women.

Boris:
Ah, who asked you?

Irina:
Ten if it's our time of the month.

Boris:
A man must read the newspaper every day. And there's only one place to do it!

Irina:
I know you like Vera. Most women her age like experienced men. Now middle-aged women like young boys, like you. Personally, I prefer both.

Victor:
Each man has to fulfill his obligation to the state.

Victor, Alex, Policeman:
[clinking glasses] To the state!

Victor:
And each woman has to fulfill her obligation to posterity.

Victor, Alex, Policeman:
[clinking glasses] To the posterity!

Pavel:
What could be more romantic than to die at the feet of your lady fair, huh?

Vadik:
How?

Pavel:
Well, there are thousands of ways. For example, you take a rope, a strong one. Loop both the ends, then lie down comfortably. Then take one loop and put it around your foot, and the other put it around your neck. Then kick your leg and your neck snaps like that. [snaps his fingers]

Pavel:
But, if you want to be truly romantic, why, then you must save it for the last moment. So uh, don't tie it too tightly.

[last lines]

Yuri:
[everyone running] Vadik, take it for your children! [holding a pot over his head]

Senile Woman:
Like mother, like daughter.

Galina:
I'm going to have to go through menopause alone!

Luda:
[waving] Goodbye...

Kiril:
Don't run away...

Victor:
I order you, come back here!

Policeman:
[blowing his whistle]

Alex:
Come back! Don't desert us! We can have a beautiful life together! Come back! Come back!