Victorious

Andre Harris:
I've always gotten A's in music. How does a person go from an A to a D?

Jade West:
It happened to me in the eighth grade.

Beck Oliver:
You woke me up!

Mr. Sikowitz:
Oh, sorry, Beck. Certainly wouldn't keep you awake during my class!

Beck Oliver:
Thanks, you're the best! [goes back to sleep]

Cat Valentine:
Hey, Andre! Christmas beef?

Andre Harris:
Yeah, sure. [takes one] Wait. Who made it?

Cat Valentine:
My brother.

Andre Harris:
M-mm. No, no thank you.

Cat Valentine:
Why not?

Andre Harris:
'Cause last month, I ate his Thanksgiving sausage, and I'm still a mess.

Beck Oliver:
Mr. Robbie Shapiro.

Robbie Shapiro:
Hey, Beck.

Beck Oliver:
Let's talk Secret Santa.

Robbie Shapiro:
You're my Secret Santa?

Beck Oliver:
Merry Christmas, Rob. [he gives a sign, and a pretty girl comes from behind]

Robbie Shapiro:
You bought me a girl? [claps his hands excitedly]

Beck Oliver:
You know how you used to talk about that bully, the one who used to beat you up when you were seven?

Robbie Shapiro:
Yeah, Christie Vakaris. And I hated that beefy little witch, and her mean face!

Beck Oliver:
And you said you'd kill for just one chance to tell her off.

Robbie Shapiro:
Yeah?

Beck Oliver:
Robbie... Christie Vakaris! [presents her]

Robbie Shapiro:
You found her...? You're Christie?

Christie Vakaris:
So, you wanna tell me off?

Robbie Shapiro:
Well... I did. But now you're hot!

Robbie Shapiro:
I'm not paying three dollars for a coffee! [Beck gives him money] Woah, this will pay for coffee and scaunes!

Beck Oliver:
Scones.

Robbie Shapiro:
Maybe in Canada.

Mr. Sikowitz:
Courtney Van Cleef? Aww no, that kids a freaky little weirdo.

Sinjin Van Cleef:
She's my sister.

Mr. Sikowitz:
I know. I don't understand why your parents didn't stop at you.

Andre Harris:
So what's the plan?

Tori Vega:
I don't know. You're smart, she's mean. [pointing to Jade] Come up with something.

Cat Valentine:
She's so strong.

Andre Harris:
Dale gave us credit.

Jade West:
Even I feel bad.

Tori Vega:
We should do something.

Cat Valentine:
Waffles?

Tori Vega:
I like waffles.

Jade West:
Waffles are good.

Andre Harris:
I know a place.

Tori Vega:
Off we go.

Cat Valentine:
Yay! I love excitement!

Chris:
Dale the podium's all yours.

Dale Squires:
Nice, I've always wanted a plexiglass podium.

Cat Valentine:
I love mass texting!

Dale Squires:
I wanted to give it that panicky jittery feeling, you know.

Cat Valentine:
I love that panicky jittery feeling!

Cat Valentine:
One time, I ate a hamburger and then like an hour later I started sneezing, but I don't think it had anything to do with the hamburger.

Jade West:
Maybe, your red hair dye seeps through your scalp and into your brain.

Cat Valentine:
Can that happen?

Dale Squires:
I don't know. I was think something intense, scary.

Rex:
Like Jade?

[Jade hits Rex with a magazine]

Tori's Mom:
Where's Trina?

Cat Valentine:
Tori locked her in the bathroom.

Tori Vega:
Cat! You weren't supposed to tell her that.

Tori's Mom:
I'm okay with it.

Tori Vega:
Hey, what time is it?

Jade West:
I'm not your clock.

Cat Valentine:
One time, when I was 7, I was at the beach and I made a sandcastle and I called it 'Cat's Castle' [long pause; everyone stares at her] True story.

Tori Vega:
Beck.

Beck Oliver:
Yeah?

Tori Vega:
Let me have you on the couch.

Jade West:
[warning tone] Girl.

Tori Vega:
For the shot.

Jade West:
[acting in the movie] 'Monica. Monica. Do not die on me. Wake up. I mean it. Wake up. Come on.' [she slaps Cat across the face]

Cat Valentine:
Unh. Ow!

Tori Vega:
Cut!

Jade West:
What?

Tori Vega:
You're not supposed to hit her.

Jade West:
I felt that's what my character would do.

Cat Valentine:
My face hurts.

Tori Vega:
Can we try it again without the physical assault?

Cat Valentine:
Can you please tell her not to slap me?

Dale Squires:
She should do whatever feels right.

Jade West:
[to Cat] Lie down.

[Jade does the scene again, continually slapping Cat]

Tori Vega:
[while Jade is slapping Cat] Um. Jade. Um. I'll go get some ice.

Dale Squires:
Thank you so much.

Tori Vega:
He's taking all the credit!

Andre Harris:
I can't believe this.

Dale Squires:
Yes!

Cat Valentine:
[holding ice to her face] My face still hurts.

Jade West:
2 million views in one day.

Andre Harris:
And Dale Squires is taking all the credit.

Jade West:
And he keeps deleting all my very creative negative comments.

Jade West:
Ugh. Gross. Talk shows are for tourists and Canadians.

Cat Valentine:
[to the dog] I know Jade seems mean. Don't worry, she is.

Cat Valentine:
I'm so sorry about your guitar, and your lamb, and your table...

Mr. Gibbons:
That's alright, it's not your fault.

Cat Valentine:
But...

Jade West:
Cat, Mr. Gibbons isn't mad at us, because he knows the EARTHQUAKE caused this damage.

Beck Oliver:
Yeah. We can only blame the earth!

Robbie Shapiro:
And its quaking!

[Tori and Cat are in the girls bathroom imitatiating characters from "The Wizard of Oz"]

Tori Vega:
Well, hello.

Cat Valentine:
[courtseying] Well, hello, if you please.

Tori Vega:
Are you a good witch? Or a sandwich?

Cat Valentine:
Who me? Well, I'm neither a witch nor a snack. You're talking some crazy chizz.

Jade West:
The witch sneers at Dorothy... then exits.

[she actually does, as she cackles out the door]

Cat Valentine:
Oh, my. She spoke her stage directions. What am I supposed to do now?

Tori Vega:
Well, you are in a restroom. You could... wazz.

Robbie Shapiro:
[Robbie is having a nightmare] What the... Hey! Why am I in a gigantic cereal bowl? What... what's happening?

Rex:
[a gigantic version of Rex approaches him] Feel my snot.

Robbie Shapiro:
My God! Rex! How did you... You're so big?

Rex:
F-This.

[Beck talks to Mr. Sikowitz's class about his day on a movie set]

Beck Oliver:
Well, they did my hair and make-up, and then the costume designer came into my dressing room...

Jade West:
[interrupting with suspicion] Wait, the costume designer was in your dressing room?

Beck Oliver:
Uh-huh.

Jade West:
Was she cute?

Beck Oliver:
*He* was adorable.

Mr. Sikowitz:
Tori, you may have a seat. I suggest using a chair.

Tori Vega:
I'll give it a shot.

Andre Harris:
Do you what's great about movies?

Tori Vega:
Uhh...

Andre Harris:
The musical score. Because, whenever stuff happens, you always hear the perfect musical score. See, tater pops make me happy, so...

[plays a cheerful tune on his keyboard]

Beck Oliver:
Where are you going?

Jade West:
Anywhere else.

[Andre plays a dramatic sting on his keyboard, and Jade turns around to remove the batteries from it]

Jade West:
Okay, let's do this... and that's for you.

Tori Vega:
Why are you cleaning my locker...?

Robbie Shapiro:
'Cause we're friends, and... and I want everything to be nice! Just, uh... just gonna "make it shine"!

Beck Oliver:
Wow. I guess people are pretty desperate to be on a game show.

Tori Vega:
I guess, but... Huh. I see through your little plan.

Beck Oliver:
What's my plan?

Tori Vega:
Oh, you know... To play it all cool, then act like you don't care about being on my "Brain Squeezers" team, just to mess with my head and make me *wanna* ask you to be on it.

Beck Oliver:
You know what, that's really insulting. [pauses] Can I be on your team?

Andre Harris:
Cat, how long are you gonna wait on hold?

Cat Valentine:
I don't mind waiting, I swear. I love every song they're playing. [Robbie takes her phone to look at it]

Robbie Shapiro:
You're not even on the phone, you're listening to music from your playlist!

[Trina kisses Beck in orer to impress two boys walking by]

Beck Oliver:
You bit my lip!

Trina Vega:
I tried to bite both.

Jade West:
Tori, come out to play-ay!

[Tori has Cat pinned to the floor]

Cat Valentine:
Help! I need a teacher!

[Sikowitz walks by, very excited]

Mr. Sikowitz:
Hello, girls. Can you believe I scored tickets to Hall and Oates?

[He walks off and ignores them]

Andre Harris:
[on the phone] Grandma, what is it? [brief pause] No, nobody stole your bed, you're just in the kitchen!

Robbie Shapiro:
Here's another cool thing. You guys know how I usually keep my phone in my shirt pocket here?

Tori Vega, Andre Harris, Robbie Shapiro, Cat Valentine, Beck Oliver:
Yeah.

Robbie Shapiro:
Now I'm using this pocket to carry cheese and my allergy pills.

Beck Oliver:
Won't the cheese melt in your pocket?

Robbie Shapiro:
[in a cocky voice] Oh, I don't think the cheese will melt in my pock... ugh...! [sticks his hand in his shirt pocket, and the melted cheese has attached itself to his allergy pills flask]

Mrs. Vega:
Oh, you girls are pathetic. You know, when I was your age, we didn't even have cell phones.

Tori Vega:
Yeah, but you had stuff that we don't have.

Cat Valentine:
Yeah, like dinosaurs and Moses.

[everyone's phones buzz]

Mr. Sikowitz:
Oh, what now?

Robbie Shapiro:
Oh, I just texted everyone a pic of me. That's my sister's shirt I'm wearing!

[Haley and Tara won the karaoke contest because Haley's dad is the owner. Everyone is outraged]

Haley Ferguson:
We won because we rock!

Cat Valentine:
Yeah, don't believe everything your daddy says.

Jade West:
[to Haley] Like when he tells you you're pretty!

[Tori's cell phone interrupts a sketch in class]

Tori Vega:
I swear, I thought I had it on vibrate.

Mr. Sikowitz:
Class is no place for swearing or vibrating.

Haley Ferguson:
[Two girls flirt with Beck and Andre] First time here?

Beck Oliver:
Umm, yeah.

Haley Ferguson:
If you get nervous, I'll hold your hand.

Cat Valentine:
I get nervous when my brother eats things that aren't food. Seriously, I think he ate my charm bracelet.

Cat Valentine:
I like your purse.

Jade West:
Thanks.

Cat Valentine:
What's it made of?

Jade West:
Monkey fur.

Cat Valentine:
[a girl is flirting with Beck] Um, Hi. Miss.

Haley Ferguson:
What?

Cat Valentine:
He has a girlfriend.

Haley Ferguson:
I don't see her.

Jade West:
Turn around.

[she does]

Jade West:
Now you see her.

Tara Ganz:
Hey, check out "Dude's" jacket.

Haley Ferguson:
Oh, Hollywood Arts. The school for wannabes.

Jade West:
You know, *you* might wannabe shutting your face there.

Haley Ferguson:
Really?

Jade West:
Really.

Beck Oliver:
If you were my girlfriend...

Jade:
[sarcastically] Uggh! Great way to start the question.

Beck Oliver:
Would you be all freaked out that I'm just friends with Alyssa Vaughn?

Jade:
Who cares what she thinks?

Tori Vega:
Honestly, I wouldn't love it.

Jade:
*I* care what she thinks.

[Jade came over to the Vega house to tearfully plead for Tori's help in getting back with Beck]

Jade:
I got a little makeup on your pillow.

Tori Vega:
That's okay. I'll just ask my grandmother to make a new one... if she ever comes back to life.

[last lines]

Tori Vega:
Hey. Um, it's getting kind of late, so I was wondering if you could drive me home.

Jade:
It's not that far of a walk.

[Tori walks away but briefly turns back as Jade and Beck continue to make out]

Tori Vega:
Try not to swallow each other.

Tori Vega:
Where did you get those standees of Cat?

Robbie Shapiro:
Well, I just... brought them from home...

Tori Vega:
Why do you have...

Robbie Shapiro:
I'm a tutor, and I don't like to talk about things I do at my house!

Tori Vega:
Sorry...

Robbie Shapiro:
Okay, remember everything we went over?

Tori Vega:
I think so.

Robbie Shapiro:
Good. Now, if you can do this last exercise in under thirty seconds, you should be able to pass your exam, no prob.

Tori Vega:
Does Cat know you have these?

Robbie Shapiro:
No, and don't tell her!

[Jade and Andre records a song. Andre stares at Jade through the whole song, as if someone put a spell on him]

Jade West:
What'd you think? [Andre keeps staring at her, unable to speak. Jade smiles] You like that?

Andre Harris:
Mm-hm...

Jade West:
Think fast, 'cause here he comes.

Cat Valentine:
Quick, hide me!

Jade West:
Where, Cat, in my bra?

Robbie Shapiro:
[to Jade] She ran away! I was in the middle of talking to her, and she just ran away from me! Why would a girl do that? What... [Jade walks past him] Yeah, but you walked away!

Robbie Shapiro:
You don't have to keep running away from me. I already asked Gabriella to me my date to the Cow-Wow.

Cat Valentine:
Gabriella?

Robbie Shapiro:
Mhm.

Cat Valentine:
Well, what'd she say?

Robbie Shapiro:
She said "si".

Cat Valentine:
That means yes!

Robbie Shapiro:
I know. I looked it up.

Beck Oliver:
I thought you told Robbie you didn't wanna be his date tonight.

Cat Valentine:
So? That doesn't make it okay for him to bring another girl.

Jade West:
So you don't wanna be Robbie's date.

Beck Oliver:
And you don't want Robbie to bring another date.

Cat Valentine:
Yes! Thank you!

Robbie Shapiro:
I'm sorry you got kicked in your head.

Cat Valentine:
Sorry I didn't come with you to the dance in the first place. [she takes his hand]

Robbie Shapiro:
Is my hand sweaty?

Cat Valentine:
Yeah. [laughs softly] It feels like a fish.

Cat Valentine:
Thanks for petting my head bump.

Robbie Shapiro:
Can I tell you a secret?

Cat Valentine:
Sure. [Robbie leans in against her ear, then turns her face to his and kisses her. Cat gasps, runs to her bike and rides away] Out of my way! [Robbie is still sitting, looking a little disappointed, but also with a face that says he is used to it]

Andre Harris:
Lookin' for somethin'? Hm?

Tori Vega:
Yes! Why...? Do you have it?

Andre Harris:
You mean, do I have it right here in this pocket.

Tori Vega:
Yeah! Do you?

Andre Harris:
Nah, I'm just messin' with you. I don't even know what you're talkin' about.

Cat Valentine:
Robbie texted me last night saying he wants to talk to me, and I know he's gonna ask me to be his date.

Jade West:
Gross.

Cat Valentine:
Don't say gross, I like Robbie!

Jade West:
So go to the dance with him.

Cat Valentine:
No, gross!

[the berry balls have melted inside Tori's hat and now brown liquid stuff pours down Tori's face]

Mr. Mooney:
What's happening?

Tori Vega:
Uh... I...

Andre Harris:
She's cryin'!

[repeated line]

Robbie Shapiro:
[about the PearPad 3] There is a slightly better screen!

Robbie Shapiro:
[after some kids destroyed Andre's phone with a sling shot] Well! Now you do need a new PearPad.

Andre Harris:
What kind of video should we make?

Robbie Shapiro:
I'm not sure yet, but check the weather. A brainstorm's coming!

Tori Vega:
Wait! So neither of you are coming with us tomorrow night to the museum of large bones?

Robbie Shapiro:
Nope.

Andre Harris:
Enjoy the bone!

Cat Valentine:
So I can tell people you're going out with Beck?

Tori Vega:
We're not going out!

Cat Valentine:
Oh. So you're staying in with him?

Cat Valentine:
Oh, let's think about how many different kinds of hunks there are. I like the one that's, like, "mip-mip!" You know like the bird does it in that cartoon?

Jade West:
The Road Runner?

Cat Valentine:
No, I don't like him, he's always so mean to that dog.

Jade West:
That dog is a coyote.

Cat Valentine:
Oh my god, was that racist?

[as Tori wipes spilled coffee off of Beck]

Jade West:
Dude! Why are you rubbing my boyfriend?

Tori Vega:
[studdering] I just spilled coffee...

Jade West:
Get away from him.

Mr. Sikowitz:
Okay, today we're going to do alphabetical improv. "What is alphabetical improv," you ask? So I answer, it's when we give a letter to the first actor who speaks in a scene. If we use the letter "A" as an example then the actor must start with the letter "A," which might go something like...

[points at Beck]

Beck Oliver:
Apples are falling out of my butt.

Mr. Sikowitz:
Lovely. Now the next actor who speaks must start his line with the next letter im this case "B," so he might say...

[approaches Andre]

Andre Harris:
Bring those apples so that we may all enjoy the fresh fruit from Beck's butt.

Tori Vega:
Eat your pants!

Jade West:
You eat your pants. Wait!

Mr. Sikowitz:
Ehh, sorry Jade, but the next letter was...

Jade West:
F, I know!

Lane:
Put this on her head.

Tori Vega:
That's not my head!

Trina Vega:
It's okay, there's nothing wrong with being average. Anyway, you're not alone. I got your back.

Art School Student:
Trina, Eric Caulson got his hair straightened.

Trina Vega:
Shut up!

Tori Vega:
I'm alone

Tori Vega:
Hey can you...

Cat Valentine:
Oh my gosh, you're Tori right?

Tori Vega:
Uh huh.

Cat Valentine:
You were so awesome in the big showcase.

Tori Vega:
Aww, thanks.

Cat Valentine:
My name's Cat.

Tori Vega:
Oh, like the animal.

Cat Valentine:
What's that supposed to mean?

Tori Vega:
Nothing. I- I love cats.

Cat Valentine:
Uh me too, they're so cute.

[Cat walks away]

Andre Harris:
Why'd you give him $2?

Tori Vega:
I thought he was homeless.

Andre Harris:
Hey, whatcha doing?

Tori Vega:
Calling my mom to tell her I want to go back to my old school.

Andre Harris:
Why?

Tori Vega:
Cause I don't like having black coffee in my hair.

Andre Harris:
Then I'll get you some cream and sugar; everything'll be chill.

Andre Harris:
Come on, this place isn't that different from other schools.

Tori Vega:
Oh yeah, like other schools have immprov classes with barefoot teachers and nerds with puppets and bipolar cats and mean girls who make you bark like a dog.

Cat Valentine:
Guys, Sikowitz really wants everybody back in class.

Rex:
And you really wanted a date to the prom last year but you didn't get one.

Cat Valentine:
What's that supposed to mean?

Robbie:
Rex!

Cat Valentine:
Tell your puppet to quit being mean to me.

Robbie:
Don't call him a puppet. That's an offensive term.

Andre Harris:
Normal's boring

Cat Valentine:
It's true.

Tori Vega:
That normal's boring?

Cat Valentine:
No, that no one asked me to the prom.

Mr. Sikowitz:
You ever think about coming in through the window?

Tori Vega:
No.

Mr. Sikowitz:
Think about it.

Cat Valentine:
Totally.

Mr. Sikowitz:
Ehh, Cat your line had to start with an S.

Cat Valentine:
Salami!

Mr. Sikowitz:
It's too late Cat.

Cat Valentine:
Aww, my life's the worst.

Mr. Sikowitz:
Here's a piece of candy.

Cat Valentine:
Yay! I love candy!

[Sikowitz boasts of making homemade butter in the middle of class]

Jade West:
You make your own butter?

Mr. Sikowitz:
Indeed.

Robbie Shapiro:
Is it good?

Mr. Sikowitz:
I don't know, I refuse to eat dairy.

Mr. Sikowitz:
Okay everyone, we have 20 minutes before our play begins. Where is my coconut milk?

Beck Oliver:
You're drinking it.

Mr. Sikowitz:
So am I.

Mom:
Hey Tor!

Tori Vega:
Hi mom.

Mom:
Take off your shirt.

Tori Vega:
Why?

Mom:
When was the last time you shaved under your arms?

Tori Vega:
I don't know, last night this morning.

Mom:
Are you stubbly yet?

Tori Vega:
Uh, maybe a little.

Mom:
Oh good! Shirt off!

Tori Vega:
K, you want to tell me what this is about?

Mom:
I found this new depilatory cream from Sweden and it totally made me think of you.

Tori Vega:
Why me?

Mom:
Depila-TORI!

Tori Vega:
Oh my god.

Robbie Shapiro:
Hey. Hi, girls.

Tori Vega:
Hi.

Cat Valentine:
Hi, Robbie!

Robbie Shapiro:
I CAN'T TALK! [walks past them]

Andre Harris:
Hey, Rob! [they bump into each other]

Robbie Shapiro:
I DON'T KNOW! [continues to walk away]

Andre Harris:
You guys worried about Robbie?

Tori Vega:
Totally!

Cat Valentine:
Yeah, he called me in the middle of the night last night and just yelled: "What do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do?"

Tori Vega:
And what d'you say?

Cat Valentine:
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!

Beck Oliver:
You guys talking about Robbie selling Rex?

Tori Vega, Andre Harris:
Yeah.

Jade West:
I can't imagine Robbie without Rex. It's like Sikowitz without his clown pants, or Tori without that stupid monster purse.

Francis:
Two thousand bucks. And I'll throw in Goonter.

Robbie Shapiro:
I don't know. I mean, selling Rex... Doesn't that make me a terrible friend?

Rex:
Man, I'd sell you for half a sandwich! Even tuna.

[dressed as a police officer with a thick New Jersey accent]

Tori Vega:
I am a police officer! Would you like some raisin bran?

Mr. Sikowitz:
I spy a fly with my little thigh!

Tori Vega:
[with a thick New Jersey accent] Thigh?

Beck Oliver:
Cat will play a 1980's stand-up comedienne who's very annoying.

Cat Valentine:
I wanna be an unicorn.

Beck Oliver:
You can't.

Cat Valentine:
Phooey.

Tori Vega:
I am a police officer. Would you like to join me in some raisin bran?

Cat Valentine:
[imitating Jerry Seinfeld] What's the deal with Raisin Bran? Is it Raisins? Is it Bran? I wanna know!

Robbie Shapiro:
Ladies, please. It's not about the Raisins- or the Bran!... it's about the future and living your dreams, and there go the legs.

[collapses suddenly]

Mr. Sikowitz:
Andr?, what do you have in store for Toro?

Tori Vega:
Did you just call me Toro?

Mr. Sikowitz:
Maybe.

Tori Vega:
It's Tori.

Mr. Sikowitz:
I know, but I do love that fatty tuna.

Andre Harris:
Ok, Tori's character will be a cop who wears way too much red lipstick and is obsessed with Raisin Bran.

Tori Vega:
Where did you come up with that?

Andre Harris:
[giggling] Well, see I had a dream last night and this lady cop was all like, hehe... she was all like, heh... then I was like... [serious] I just thought of it.

[in response to Tori's friends laughing at "Terms of Endearment"]

Dad:
It's not a comedy!

Tori Vega:
Jade will be an innocent farm girl from Alabama who's always super sweet and nice and never gets upset about anything.

Jade West:
I'd rather slam my tongue in a car door.

Tori Vega:
[in a thick New Jersey accent] Why don't you stop invading my personal space, and have a little of this raisin bran?

Beck Oliver:
[in a thick Cockney accent] I'm game, so pop a dabble in me mouth.

[Tori feeds him cereal from the box]

Jade West:
[in a fake southern accent] Well. Aren't you havin' a fun time eatin' raisin brain together?

[Beck talks with his mouth full]

Jade West:
Just be careful now, Mr. British Man. 'Cause who knows what terrible things could happen if that continues.

Beck Oliver:
[in a thick Cockney accent] Have you ever seen a carnivorious wilderbeast rubbing up fat Dan Schneider, while conversing with...

Tori Vega:
[interrupting him] I am a police officer!

Beck Oliver:
Iguffuff.

[last lines, waking up on couches at Sikowitz's apartment]

Beck Oliver:
Hey, what time is it?

Tori Vega:
[in a thick New Jersey accent] Aaah! Aaaaah! You broke character! You lost! I am a police officer, and I am Victorious! Enjoy some raisin bran, you freakish brit! [pours a box of raisin bran on his head as he laughs] This is Officer Pedesto, code three! [imitates police siren, then runs out the apartment door]

[Andre wants to hear Tori play the french horn]

Andre:
Play that funky music, white girl.

Tori Vega:
You know I'm half Latina.

Andre:
Well, then hit it, muchacha.

[Robbie and Trina in an acting class during a scene taking place on a WW2-era submarine]

Robbie Shapiro:
How deep are we?

Trina Vega:
1700 feet.

Robbie Shapiro:
We'll have to go deeper.

Trina Vega:
But we'll I'mplode!

Paul:
"IMplode."

Trina Vega:
But we'll implode!

Tori Vega:
Why do I have to play an instrument, anyway?

Cat:
Everyone at Hollywood Arts has to play an instrument.

Tori Vega:
Okay, well I sing. My throat is my instrument, I'm a throat player.

Andre:
Doesn't count.

Cat:
And it sounds kinda gross.

[Tori stumbled in on a stage-fighting class with Beck]

Beck Oliver:
I took a class with him [pointing to russ] last summer

Tori Vega:
Well, it looked like he was hurting you.

Jade:
[suspiciously] Why do you care?

Tori Vega:
Because I figured he already suffers enough pain dating you.

Tori Vega:
So she gets an A- and I get a broken eye and a black nose.

Andre:
I think you meant...

Tori Vega:
I know what I meant.

Jade West:
What's going on with you?

Robbie Shapiro:
I saw you here early this morning, and Jade saw you last night...

Cat Valentine:
[frantically] Everything is normal! [runs away in a rushed speed]

Jade West:
You want me and Robbie to give you a ride home?

Cat Valentine:
Uh, yeah. Could you just drop me off at school?

Jade West:
School?

Robbie Shapiro:
But it's... night time.

Cat Valentine:
Wow. You sure do know about time.

Jade West:
Hey, you don't have a flashlight, do you?

Robbie Shapiro:
No. Wait...

[pulls a giant flashlight from his back pocket]

Robbie Shapiro:
Yes.

Jade West:
Cat's been acting weird lately. Like, Sinjin weird.

Robbie Shapiro:
You know, this morning, I saw her brushing her teeth here, in the girl's bathroom!

Jade West:
Why were you in the girl's bathroom?

Robbie Shapiro:
[pauses] Are we talkin' about Cat or not?

Jade West:
We, we gotta get out of here!

Tori Vega:
Yeah! Thank you, Catherine obvious!

Trina Vega:
What?

Tori Vega:
I said thank you Catherine obvious.

Robbie Shapiro:
Did she say Catherine Obvious?

Andre Harris:
It's captain obvious.

Tori Vega:
Huh?

Jade West:
The expression is "Thank you CAPTAIN obvious".

Tori Vega:
It's not Catherine?

Trina Vega:
No...

Beck Oliver:
Who would Catherine be?

Tori Vega:
CATHERINE COULD BE A CAPTAIN!

[Being shot with a water gun]

Cat Valentine:
It's so cold! It's so cold!

[Dying of heat prostration in Beck's RV]

Tori Vega:
It's so hot!

Cat Valentine:
Is it true that sweat and pee are like... cousins?

[first lines]

Tori Vega:
Oh my god. I am so hot.

Rex:
Mm-Hmm. Ain't that the truth?

Tori Vega:
You're not sweating.

Jade West:
Uh-huh.

[Tori feels Jade's face for any evidence of sweat]

Jade West:
Having fun, there?

Tori Vega:
How could you not be sweating?

Jade West:
I don't sweat.

Tori Vega:
Everybody sweats.

Beck Oliver:
Not Jade.

Robbie Shapiro:
Jade never sweats.

Tori Vega:
What do you mean she never sweats?

Jade West:
Sweating is gross, so I don't do it.

Tori Vega:
So what? You're just like... cold blooded?

Rex:
[sarcastically] Jade? Cold blooded? What a surprise.

[the kids are dehydrating in a travel trailer]

Jade West:
Hey... [patting Beck's side] hey, your fish tank.

Beck Oliver:
Oh, yeah. I forgot about my fish tank.

Rex:
Wait, we're gonna drink fish water?

Andre Harris:
It beats dying of thirst.

Jade West:
When was the last time you cleaned it?

Beck Oliver:
You're supposed to clean it?

[Sweating profusely]

Trina Vega:
For so many years I prayed every night to be hotter. [pauses to shout] This isn't what I meant!

[Sikowitz has just sent the whole class away, except the main characters]

Cat Valentine:
Why did you make them leave?

Mr. Sikowitz:
I don't know. They never talk.

Tori Vega:
Yeah... They just sit there and... react.

Tori Vega:
What time is it?

Robbie Shapiro:
[checking his pear pod] Uh... Almost 3 am.

Andre Harris:
And what time do we have to check into the parade?

Mr. Sikowitz:
7 am.

Robbie Shapiro:
Which means we have to be there in... [checks his pear pod again] Hey, let me do it over again... Uh...

Andre Harris:
[into his ear] FOUR HOURS!

Robbie Shapiro:
Four hours...

Jade West:
So why were you sleeping on the stairs?

Tori Vega:
'Cause Andre stayed over at my house last night and played the piano until four in the morning, so I didn't get any s... [Jade walks away] I wasn't done talking!

Jade West:
I was done listening.

Cat:
Hey, Sikowitz, I forget to ask a question about the homework...

[Mr. Sikowitz throws a ball at her and Cat runs off, screaming]

Mr. Sikowitz:
[to Tori] We'll never know her question.

Robbie:
I can't eat salsa.

Andre:
Why, because it hurts your stomach and gives you nightmares.

Robbie:
No.

Rex:
Yes.

Robbie:
Maybe.

Rex:
Ha!

Mr. Sikowitz:
Ready? Drive-by acting exercise: You're all angry Englishman. Go!

Robbie:
I insist you tell me who sat on me crumpit!

Jade West:
My grandmummy went to the loo while I snogged the Prime Minister!

Andre:
This flock of Whip-poor-wills is bothering my trousers!

Cat:
Good heavens! There's a dead cockroach in my brassiere!

Rex:
Blimey!

Beck Oliver:
I told you not to put plump sauce on me banger!

[Tori rehearses a monologue with a fake southern accent]

Tori Vega:
It was 1934 when my husband left me... alone. Living on the prairie was a dreary existence. No telephone, no radio, only a large majestic bird with whom I shared my feelings. One day when I was feeling low, I said to him, "Oh, bird. You can fly. You can soar miles from this lonley place, and yet you stay. Why?" And apparently, that question rang true, for that afternoon my bird left. And so went my spirit.

Rex:
Take me to the bathroom, I've gotta pee now.

[Robbie runs away carrying Rex]

Tori Vega:
He's a puppet, he can't pee.

Rex:
You don't know what I got.

[Tori is struggling to find her sister a "birth-week" present]

Tori Vega:
Jade.

Jade:
Yeah.

Tori Vega:
What should I get Trina?

Jade:
Talent.

[before leaving her table]

Jade:
You people give me a rash.

Mammaw:
A girl doesn't dye her hair that color unless she has psychological problems.

Cat:
My hair color has nothing to do with my psychological problems.

Robbie Shapiro:
We're gonna go get some iced coffee.

Andre Harris:
I thought caffeine makes you vibrate.

Robbie Shapiro:
Sometimes it's nice.

[Tori performed an incredible song as a birthday gift for Trina]

Tori Vega:
Happy Birthday, Trina.

Trina Vega:
Thanks. So where's my present?

Trina Vega:
Well, you know my friend, Molly?

Tori Vega:
Little Feet, Big Thighs?

Trina Vega:
Mm-Hmm.

Mammaw:
Why did you do that to your hair?

Cat:
What? You mean the color?

Mammaw:
Do you hate your mother?

Cat:
I love my mother!

Andre Harris:
I'll help you. Just tell me some of your favorite things about Trina.

[ - Long Pause - ]

Andre Harris:
I said tell me some...

Tori Vega:
I heard ya.

Jade:
But the most surprising part happened at the end when the moster gauge out Priscilla's eyes, which for whatever reason I found really funny.

Jade:
Hey Vega. Tori

Tori Vega:
What?

Jade:
Try this coffee and tell me what it tastes like.

Tori Vega:
Hazelnut?

Jade:
I don't know. I found it in the garbage

Cat:
But your grandmother hates me.

Robbie Shapiro:
She doesn't hate you.

Mammaw:
Aww, why'd you bring that one?

Cat:
Bye!

Robbie Shapiro:
Stay.

[referring to Brenda]

Robbie Shapiro:
Why is she here?

Mammaw:
So you don't end up with one of those.

Cat:
I'm leaving now.

[the kids are trying to come up with a children's song]

Andre Harris:
[singing and playing piano] My grandpa has a nose and my grandma has a nose. Everyone you know has a nose, nose, nose.

Jade West:
My grandfather's nose was blown off in the war, so that song is a filthy lie.

Cat Valentine:
[running up to Tori] Hey, you'd better come help Jade.

Tori Vega:
With what?

Cat Valentine:
She can't get her b*obs in the hamburger.

Mr. Sikowitz:
Pardon?

Cat Valentine:
Hi, kids!

Tori Vega:
Apparently, we're The Diddly-Bops.

Andre Harris:
And we're here to sing you a special song...

Robbie Shapiro:
...all about your favorite foods.

Kid:
Sing about dinosaurs.

Beck Oliver:
[Cheerfully] Nooooo!

Cat Valentine:
What scene were you doing?

Tori Vega:
It's for a role in a movie about a teenager who's parents send her to a home for troubled girls.

Cat Valentine:
Oh. One time my brother went to a home for troubled girls.

Tori Vega:
Why?

Cat Valentine:
To meet troubled girls.

Mr. Sikowitz:
You know, bus stations are good for that.

[Tori and her friends are playing a card game at her]

Cat Valentine:
I don't see why we can't just pretend to be pirates.

Robbie Shapiro:
I'll play pirates with you.

Cat Valentine:
No. I don't like the way *you* play pirates.

[Robbie orders a large bowl of caviar, pushing the bill to $1,300]

Mr. Sikowitz:
[calming everyone down] Robbie can't help what he is!

Claude:
How is your drink, sir?

Mr. Sikowitz:
Very moist.

Tilda:
And an important thing to remember is that all movie directors have different styles of filming a movie.

Cat Valentine:
Action!

Tilda:
What?

Cat Valentine:
That's what they say when they make movies.

Beck Oliver:
We're not making a movie right now.

Cat Valentine:
Cut!

Sinjin Van Cleef:
I wanted the audience to experience what the soda feels when it's drunk by me.

Jade West:
I bet that soda felt disgusted and ashamed.

Robbie Shapiro:
How does my make up look?

Cat Valentine:
Fancy. Does it hurt?

Robbie Shapiro:
No. You do it way more gentle than my mom does it.

Jade West:
Did you not finish the main prop for our movie? [everyone start babbling in each other's mouths]

Tori Vega:
It's not my fault!

Jade West:
Then whose fault is it?

Tori Vega:
Mine!

Sinjin Van Cleef:
Look, I just wanna say you guys make me sick.

Beck Oliver:
Why?

Sinjin Van Cleef:
'Cause you're all great looking, and talented, and popular. I mean, you guys star in every play at this school. And you sing all the songs. And you do all the talking in class... You guys have it all! And you're really worried about which one of you has the most followers? Yeah, feel ashamed, 'cause you should feel ashamed.

Robbie Shapiro:
I hate myself!

Cat Valentine:
You've hated yourself for years.

Robbie Shapiro:
Yeah...

Jade West:
Okay, there is no way Trina Vega has more followers than... [looks at Trina's Slap page] Oh my God, she has more followers than I do.

Andre Harris:
Where are you goin'?

Jade West:
To get more followers! [slams the door]

Beck Oliver:
Jade, it's not important how many... I gotta get more followers.

Andre Harris:
Where are *you* goin'?

Robbie Shapiro:
For a... walk in the sunshine!

Cat Valentine:
Oh, I'll come with you, I love sunshines!

Andre Harris:
Hey, are you guys just goin' to get more followers?

Robbie Shapiro:
No...!

Cat Valentine:
Yes, that's right! [Cat and Robbie leave the room]

Tori Vega:
Yo, yo, yo! Whattayaknow?

Sinjin Van Cleef:
[muttering] Oh my God.

Robbie Shapiro:
Well, look who it is. The rehearsal skippers.

Beck Oliver:
Did you think of that one in the shower?

Robbie Shapiro:
No, it was a bubble bath.

Robbie Shapiro:
The butterfly was in your left ear.

Cat Valentine:
I know.

Robbie Shapiro:
But it came out of your right ear.

Cat Valentine:
It's a miracle!

Beck Oliver:
I've missed you.

Jade West:
So what are you gonna do about it? [Beck pauses, then kisses her]

Meredith:
So, who's your favorite teacher in this whole school?

Beck Oliver:
Easy. Sikowitz.

Meredith:
Yeah, he's my fave too!

Beck Oliver:
[sarcastically] I'm shocked.

Beck Oliver:
I think I've learned something about myself.

Tori Vega:
That you're ungrateful to your friend who tried to fix you up with a cute girl?

Beck Oliver:
No. I just think I like to date a girl who, you know, fights back.

Tori Vega:
You...

Beck Oliver:
I mean, a girl who's got strong opinions. You know? And a big mouth.

Tori Vega:
Why?

Beck Oliver:
'Cause it's not easy. Easy's boring.

Doctor:
Oh my goodness, Robbie. I didn't realize you were so popular. [to Jade] Are you his girlfriend?

Jade West:
No. Are you?

Cat Valentine:
Hi, everyone! Knock, knock.

Robbie Shapiro:
Uh... Who's there?

Cat Valentine:
Isn't.

Rex:
Isn't who?

Cat Valentine:
Isn't life amazing? [Cat laughs out loud, while the others roll their eyes]

Cat Valentine:
[still laughing] I know!

Mr. Sikowitz:
So, what's this play about?

Tori Vega:
Um... I'm not even sure.

Robbie Shapiro:
Uh... It's about an artist who faces a major life crisis.

Mr. Sikowitz:
Ah. Well, all the plays here are top nudge.

Robbie Shapiro:
Uh... Notch.

Mr. Sikowitz:
I say nudge.

Mr. Sikowitz:
You see, every time I cast a new play, you get your panties in a pretzel. So this time, you people will choose your own roles! [holds a box of paper slips in front of Andre] Andre, pick a role.

Andre Harris:
[picks a card] "Tommy, ten year old identical twin brother of Carter."

Mr. Sikowitz:
[goes over to Beck] Beck, pick a role.

Beck Oliver:
[picks a card] "Carter, ten year old identical twin brother of Tommy." I guess we're twins.

Andre Harris:
Then Mama's got some explaining to do.

[Cat and Robbie sings bad news from Andre to Beck. Robbie plays his guitar]

Robbie Shapiro:
Hey, Mr. Beck...

Cat Valentine:
Your life's going swell...

Robbie Shapiro:
Now, here's some news...

Cat Valentine:
...that's not so fun to tell...

Robbie Shapiro, Cat Valentine:
O-oh...

Robbie Shapiro:
Now, Andre'd like to thank you for the use of your car.

Cat Valentine:
But something icky happened and it's kind of bizarre.

Robbie Shapiro:
His grandmother peed in a clear plastic cup.

Cat Valentine:
Andre put it in your car, then he started it up.

Robbie Shapiro, Cat Valentine:
Now... comes... the bad part!

Cat Valentine:
He was on his way to doctor and he took a sharp turn.

Robbie Shapiro:
The cup fell over and spilled all the urine.

Cat Valentine:
Sixty four plus nine equals seventy three.

Robbie Shapiro:
But please don't feel bad, now your car smells like pee...

Robbie Shapiro, Cat Valentine:
'Cause you're... still... good-looking! [Robbie stops playing]

Beck Oliver:
Well. I'm not thrilled about the urine in my car. But I liked your song, so I'm okay with it. [walks off]

Tori Vega:
[to Beck in the play] So, Tommy... How's school today?

Beck Oliver:
I'm Carter.

Andre Harris:
I'm Tommy!

[Robbie and Cat delivers bad news to Tanner by singing an improvised song]

Robbie Shapiro:
[picks up the guitar] A?

Cat Valentine:
Mm. [Robbie starts playing]

Robbie Shapiro:
[singing] This kind of news is always hard to tell someone.

Cat Valentine:
And we really hope it doesn't break your heart.

Robbie Shapiro:
But somebody ran...

Cat Valentine:
Yeah, somebody ran...

Robbie Shapiro:
A woman or a man...

Cat Valentine:
Maybe in a Van...

Robbie Shapiro, Cat Valentine:
Somebody ran over your go kart.

Robbie Shapiro:
It got crushed!

Cat Valentine:
It's unfixable! [Robbie plays a last tune]

Mr. Sikowitz:
And now, Tanner... This is for you. [brings in a box of trash]

Tanner:
My... my go kart!

Mr. Sikowitz:
Sorry. At night, your parent's driveway looks a lot like... mine. Now, here you go... Scooch along, here is the door. Drive safely! [shows him out]

Tori Vega:
Wait! You really ran over that boy's go kart?

Mr. Sikowitz:
Three times. [Tori looks horrified] I thought it was a raccoon!

Trina Vega:
Listen, I don't have a lot of time, I have a hot fellow picking me up in a new circuit.

Robbie Shapiro:
Yeah, about that... two, three, four... [starts playing] Trina, oh, Trina...

Cat Valentine:
Yeah, Trina...

Robbie Shapiro, Cat Valentine:
...you're staying home tonight!

Robbie Shapiro:
Now, Seth, he was gonna take you...

Cat Valentine:
...to a rockin' Lakers game.

Robbie Shapiro:
But Seth, he started thinkin'...

Cat Valentine:
...that hangin' out with you was just insane.

Robbie Shapiro:
...just insane, now! Now Trina, oh, Trina...

Cat Valentine:
Yeah, Trina...

Robbie Shapiro, Cat Valentine:
...you're staying home tonight! You're staying home tonight! You're staying home tonight!

Cat Valentine:
You're staying home tonight!

Robbie Shapiro:
You're staying home to-to-to-ni-ight!

Cat Valentine:
'Cause you've been dumped...

Robbie Shapiro, Cat Valentine:
...tonight.

[Sinjin hits the wrong button and disco music plays]

Jade:
WHAT UP WITH THE DISCO?

Sinjin:
I'm sorry I hit the wrong thing

Jade:
NO! 15 years ago your mother gave BIRTH to the wrong thing!

Jade:
Would you kill the disco?

Sinjin:
No one can kill disco! [dances with a vibrating hairbrush]

[singing together on a road trip]

Trina Vega, Cat:
You know I want ya, and girl I really want ya!

Trina Vega:
And you're lookin' nice!

Cat:
Got me cooler than a bag of ice!

Trina Vega, Cat:
Now freeeeze, freeeze, freeeze... now go! Drop it fast and move real slow. Hoooo! What?

Trina Vega:
You smell so fruity... [Cat doesn't respond] Sing the next line.

Trina Vega:
I can't.

Trina Vega:
Why not?

Cat:
It's dirty.

Posey:
I thought you didn't like tomato juice.

Andre Harris:
Yeah, but maybe if I drink enough of it, it'll kill me.

Director:
Trina, are these your amigas?

Trina Vega:
No, this is my mean sister and her rude friend.

Jade West:
Hey! Do NOT call me her friend!

Robbie Shapiro:
Why did you cast Trina as the lead girl?

Tori Vega:
I didn't want to! You know my Cuddly Cathy doll who I love and I've had since I was five years old? [Robbie and Andre talk at once]

Robbie Shapiro:
No, you never mentioned it.

Andre Harris:
No, I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Tori Vega:
Oh... Well, Trina kidnapped her and wouldn't give her back, unless...

Robbie Shapiro:
Unless you gave Trina the lead.

Tori Vega:
Yep.

Andre Harris:
That is jacked up.

Robbie Shapiro:
Yeah, but... don't you think you're a little old to be playing with dolls?

Rex:
Right?

Robbie Shapiro:
I know! [Tori and Andre exchange looks, simply gobsmacked]

[reading fortune cookies]

Tori Vega:
Okay, my fortune says... [opens her cookie] "He that is not right is often never wrong," What?

Andre Harris:
Alright, mine says... [opens his] "Help! I am being held in a Chinese cookie factory!" Okay that is pretty good.

[to Jade]

Tori Vega:
Love me? Love me now? Yeah you do. Come on, give Tori a squeeze.

Robbie Shapiro:
Oh, no! Jackie Bonay is having heart confarctions!

So conceding Tori, so conceding!

Robbie:
I think I pulled a muscle!

Jade:
You can't pull what you don't have.

Mr Siczous said sroce tickets to outs oats and little numb girl nail me in head