W.

George Herbert Walker Bush:
You want an ass-whipping?

George W. Bush:
Try it old man!

George Herbert Walker Bush:
Go ahead, take a swing!

Asian Journalist:
Mr. President, what place do you think you will have in history?

George W. Bush:
History? In history we'll all be dead!

George W. Bush:
God bless us all!

Barbara Bush:
Is he imbibing something I don't know about?

George W. Bush:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me... and won't get fooled again.

George W. Bush:
Whose job is it, to find these damn weapons?

George W. Bush:
Who's ever remembered the son of a president?

Laura Bush:
John Quincy Adams!

George W. Bush:
Yeah, but that was like, three hundred years ago wasn't it?

Thatcher:
Following in your father's footsteps there, Bushy?

George W. Bush:
[Looks around the countryside] I think we missed the side road!

George W. Bush:
I believe God wants me to be president!

George W. Bush:
Now I don't believe in forcing myself on people, so I'm just gonna ask for your phone number, not your vote.

Laura Bush:
[laughs] You're a devil! Devil in a white hat!

Laura Bush:
I read, I smoke, I admire.

George W. Bush:
[about his father] This is my war, not his!

Gen. Colin Powell:
Funny Dick, I remember you once agreeing that going all the way in Baghdad would be a mistake.

Dick Cheney:
Well, I think you made a bigger boo-boo Colin. You could have been president.

Gen. Colin Powell:
F*** you.

George Herbert Walker Bush:
[on the phone with George W. after he gets arrested] My father would've kicked the living crap out of me if I ended up where you are now, Junior.

Karl Rove:
Here they come they'll be bringing the heat.

George W. Bush:
I know, don't swing at anything I can't hit.

Reporter #1:
Mr. Bush, Mr. Bush, you didn't talk much about education. What are your plans for reform?

George W. Bush:
Well, uh, I'm gonna deregulate school districts so that teachers and administrators can, you know, can develop programs to best fit their kids

Reporter #2:
Sir, are you proposing to measure student's progress?

George W. Bush:
Oh, well, we need to make a wholesale effort against racial profiling, you know? Which is, uh, illiterate children. You need to be able to teach a child to read and then he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.

Karl Rove:
We're in the very early stages of developing our program.

Reporter #2:
How do you plan to change the school finance formula?

George W. Bush:
I for one will not stand for the subsidization of failure. How do you know if you measure up if you have a system that simply [sic] suckles them through.

Reporter #2:
What about our failed schools? Do you think the state needs to take them over?

George W. Bush:
More government's not the answer. We must have the attitude that every child in America, regardless where raised can learn. Rarely is the question asked is their children learning.

Karl Rove:
If you can't stand in front of those guys two minutes and come up with one plausible answer what the hell are we running for governor for?

George W. Bush:
Just tell me what to do, whatever it takes. Look if I need to read the whole damn Constitution I'll do it.

George W. Bush:
Iran is not Iraq and Iraq is not Iran. I know that.

George Herbert Walker Bush:
If I remember correctly, you didn't like the sporting goods job or the oil rig job. Working in the investment firm wasn't for you either. That ranchette thing in Arizona, that sure didn't last long. Didn't exactly finish up with flying colors in the Air National Guard, Junior. We're still not out of that one. Now this gal Susie shooting her mouth off about you knocking her up.

George W. Bush:
Wait a sec, how'd you know about that?

George Herbert Walker Bush:
Word gets around, boy-o.

George W. Bush:
That's a dang lie, Poppy. I use a condom, I'm not... dumb.

George Herbert Walker Bush:
What are you cut out for? Partying, chasing tail, driving drunk? Who do you think you are, a Kennedy? You're an Bush! Act like one. Can't even hold a job. We always worked for a living. It's damn time you joined the rest of us and decided just what it is you're gonna do with your life.

George W. Bush:
I know, Poppy. I'm... I'm just having a devil of a time trying to figure it out.

George Herbert Walker Bush:
Well, then, figure it out soon, Junior. Your brother Jeb graduates 5 Beta Kappa. What'd you get? Cs? You only get one bite of the apple, you know.

George W. Bush:
Look, Jeb's not me and I don't want to be Jeb, Poppy. Look, what I'd really love... what I'd REALLY love to do is find something in baseball.

George Herbert Walker Bush:
Doing what? You can't play. Coach? Come on! You're fishing for the moon in the water! Something real! I started out in the oil fields and I was hoping that...

George W. Bush:
Look, I'll try harder, Poppy. I promise. I can do it.

George Herbert Walker Bush:
Can you? Can you really? You agreed to work for a certain period of time and you haven't kept your word once. Not once. In our family, the Bush family, we honor our commitments. I'll take care of this... young woman.

[W heads for the door]

George Herbert Walker Bush:
You disappoint me, Junior. Deeply disappoint me.

George W. Bush:
Is that it?

George Herbert Walker Bush:
Yeah.

[W exits]

Donald Rumsfeld:
[about Saddam Hussein's WMDs] The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Barbara Bush:
[about W. running for Governor of Texas] The fact is you can't win.

George W. Bush:
Why do you say that?

Barbara Bush:
Because you're too much like me. You're loud, and you've got a short fuse. Now, Jeb is like your father. He thinks before he speaks.

George Tenet:
What we have is a slam-dunk on the others.

George Tenet:
Slam-dunk? What have you been drinking, Brother George?

George W. Bush:
Hey so, what's that old battle axe Helen Thomas writing on about now? Did she say anything about, uh, ya know, Iraq?

Ari Fleischer:
Uuuh, she's talking about secret plans for regime change there. You know the rap, "What make Iran different from any other dictator?" Uh, "What right do we have to go to war with Iraq?"

George W. Bush:
Did you tell her I don't like mud-suckers who gas their own people? Did you tell her I don't like ass holes that try to kill my father? Did you tell her that I was gonna kick his sorry mother fricken ass all over the Mid East?

Ari Fleischer:
I told her, uh, about about half of that.

Dick Cheney:
You think with all your diplomatic bullshit, that you can appease Islamic fascists who are as *nuts* as Hitler. [wry chuckle] Want to know what I see, Mr. President? I see a world where, in about 25 years, America's reserves are gone. Done. Demand is up, 30-40%, and we have 2 oceans blocks us from the world's reserves. You think we're gonna have allies then?

Gen. Colin Powell:
So what is our real exit strategy on Iraq, Dick?

Dick Cheney:
There is no exit. We stay.

Gen. Colin Powell:
Spoken like a true oilman.

Karl Rove:
[drilling him] What about that swagger in your voice?

George W. Bush:
In Texas it's called walkin'.

George Herbert Walker Bush:
[about Jeb losing his election] Wish I could be at his inauguration, too. That would've been something.

George W. Bush:
How do you just feel bad about Jeb? Huh? Why don't you feel good about me?

Reporter:
[about carrier landing] You know, Jack, it's really stunning. I mean, he's landing on a boat at 150 miles per hour. I can't think of a democrat that would do that.

George W. Bush:
The only way to win is to leave before the job is done.

White House Reporter, John:
Mr President. After 9/11 what would you say your biggest mistakes would be and what lessons have you learned from them?

George W. Bush:
Um... uh... Now, I wish you would have given me this written question beforehand, John, so I... So I could prepare for it. Well... You know, I... I just, uh... uh... John, I'm sure historians will say, "Gosh," you know. "I wish he could have done better." You know, this way or that way, uh... I... Yeah... I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of the press conference with all the pressure of trying to come up with an answer but it hasn't yet. You know, I hope, uh... I don't wanna sound like, uh, I haven't made no mistakes. You know, I'm confident I have. It's just, I haven't, uh... You know, you really put me on the spot here, John. And maybe I'm not as quick, uh, on my feet as I should be in coming up with one but, uh... [Leaves conference muttering indistinctly]

[last lines]

Ari Fleischer:
Uh, Mr President.

George W. Bush:
Not now, Ari. Not now. I'm busy. [Goes alone to room and watches a baseball game in which he imagines himself in the outfield waiting to catch a fly ball that disappears]