War, Inc.

Natalie Hegalhuzen:
You know that all my writings have called this occupation a violation of international law and its practitioners are criminals?

Brand Hauser:
Do you really believe all this stuff you write?

Natalie Hegalhuzen:
Anyone who can causes this much mayhem when they didn't have to? The amount of suffering that I've seen?

Brand Hauser:
I know. [helicoper flies overhead] [speaking on the phone] Ok. Hold on a sec. [speaking to Natalie again] But the way I look at it is this: the day we can actually feel and hear all the suffering of mankind, that's the day when "The Christ" will come back! So we got that going for us. [speaking on the phone again] I'll be out in a minute. [speaking to Natalie again] Or 'The Buddha', or Allah, whoever floats your boat.

Expo Turaqistan Female Annoncer:
Do *not* leave cars unattended! Unattended cars will be crushed and incinerated!

Walken:
Every empire is summed up in Rome. The Romans, Hauser, Stewards of the human race, torchbearers of culture! You and I are centurions, honor bound to defend civilization against the barbarians!

Brand Hauser:
Let's cut the sh*t, Walken! I like killing people as much as the next guy, but I signed up to kill the bad ones! Health clinics, trade unionists, journalists, agricultural co-ops, catholic liberation theologians, impoverished Colombian coffee farmers, these are the barbarians that are brave opponents of civilization? We turned Central America into a f***in' graveyard! Whoever momentarily interrupts the acummulation of our wealth, we pulverize! I'm just not feeling good about that anymore, sir!

GuideStar:
When you see something that looks like a frozen gallbladder, that's Greenland.

Brand Hauser:
I feel...

GuideStar:
Go on.

Brand Hauser:
...like a refugee from the Island of Dr. Moreau. Some morally inverted, twisted character from a C?line novel. The hot sauce helps.

The Vice President:
[about Omar] Son of a b*tch is trying to build a pipeline through his own cheap f***ing country. We didn't liberate Turaqistan to get hustled by some cocksucking fezzhead, Hauser. Terminate. Do do that voodoo that you do so well.

Natalie Hegalhuzen:
Nice office.

Marsha Dillon:
It's bullet-proof.

Natalie Hegalhuzen:
[upon hearing an explosion outside] When did they start attacking inside the Emerald City?

Brand Hauser:
I wouldn't call that an attack.

[explosion goes off right outside office]

Brand Hauser:
Technically, that was a bombing. At least it sounded like it was. Not an attack, which would imply something else.

Brand Hauser:
Look, we've already kicked the sh*t out of this place. What are we supposed to do? Turn our backs on all the entrepreneur possibilities? Business is a uniquely human response to a moral or cosmic crisis. Whether it's a tsunami or a sustained aerial bombardment, there's the same urgent call for urban renewal.

Brand Hauser:
We're excited to have you.

Ooq-Mi-Fay Taqnufmini:
Don't get too excited.

Brand Hauser:
I'm not that excited.

Natalie Hegalhuzen:
Tell me about yourself?

Brand Hauser:
I'm just doing this gig, trying to make the best of a bad situation, looking for redemption in all the wrong places. Stop me now if I'm rambling.

Natalie Hegalhuzen:
Okay, stop.

Natalie Hegalhuzen:
So you want to seduce the journalist whose politics you despise?

Brand Hauser:
How dare you. I have no politics.

Brand Hauser:
Did you know that the word "person" comes from the Latin word "persona", which means mask? So maybe being human means we invite spectators to ponder what lies behind. Each of us will be composed of a variety of masks, and if we can see behind the mask, we would get a burst of clarity. And if that flame was bright enough, that's when we fall in love. What's your opinion on these divine matters?

Natalie Hegalhuzen:
I'm not going to f*** you. You know that, right?

Brand Hauser:
This little Turaqi pop star. She really disturbs me and I can't figure out why.

Yonica Babyyeah:
Do you want massage with happy ending?

Brand Hauser:
Does your father know that you talk this way?

Ooq-Mi-Fay Taqnufmini:
[while in bar] Hey, who do I have to shoot to get a f***ing drink around here?

Brand Hauser:
That was beautiful. Have you recorded it yet?

Yonica Babyyeah:
Fat f***ing chance.

Brand Hauser:
Well, you should. I feel like I'm seeing you for the first time.

Yonica Babyyeah:
You've seen my ass, and you're not liking it.

Brand Hauser:
Why do you do that?

Yonica Babyyeah:
Do what?

Brand Hauser:
Talk as if you've got no soul.

Yonica Babyyeah:
Nobody cares for my beautiful soul. They care for my ass.

Brand Hauser:
Please, you sound like a tramp.

Yonica Babyyeah:
B*tches rule. Yonica rules. Virgins are good for getting f***ed. Right? That is what I'm good for. Right? That's what everybody knows. Hmm?

Brand Hauser:
You know what I think? I think the girl who wrote that song is a poet. I thought that song was really great.

Yonica Babyyeah:
I'm not from this world. I have special powers. I can see inside people's brains.

Ooq-Yu-Fay Taqnufmini:
[referring to son] What if we publicly remove one of his testicles?

Ooq-Mi-Fay Taqnufmini:
Dad, please!

Ooq-Yu-Fay Taqnufmini:
Shut up.

Brand Hauser:
It's not an entirely unappealing suggestion, but I'm not sure if that really gets us where we want to go.

Marsha Dillon:
I have a can of mace! And I will use it!

Natalie Hegalhuzen:
Don't look at me!

Brand Hauser:
I like looking at you.

Yonica Babyyeah:
This place is so sad. I love that!

Brand Hauser:
There is a reason why I do this work: I don't have to feel anything.

Yonica Babyyeah:
That's so f***ed up.

Marsha Dillon:
[yelling to Hauser] What the f*** are you doing? Will you kill the motherf***er so we can get the hell out of this shithole!

Omar:
Ah Hauser, love does get one into difficult situations.

Omar:
We're in a constant state of war, Hauser. We kill our brothers, complete strangers, the guilty and the innocent. We are at war with our own hearts. Love is a cease-fire that's destined to fail. But, as I said, it does get us into tricky situations... sometimes the back of a garbage truck.

Brand Hauser:
[to Walken] It's going to be hard... to torture someone who's mostly dead... but I'm gonna try... to enjoy it.

GuideStar:
[from Hauser's Humvee, which has been stripped, put on blocks, and torched by children because he didn't have any candy] I told you Fallaf was not a good idea, didn't I? I thought I said that. It's a no-go zone, and you went. Bad choice. Was not a good idea.

Brand Hauser:
Marsha, get me Katie Couric, Al Jezeera and 100 gallons of sheep sh*t.

Walken:
Tamerlane weapons are precision guided to minimize collateral damage. Not only is our technology the most advanced in the world, but also, with its smart missle system, we can launch a matchstick in Milwaukee and stick it up the ass of a termite in Tehran.

Brand Hauser:
Be still my trembling hands, for how you would tremble if you knew where I would take you next.

Yonica Babyyeah:
Sometimes I think it's better not to feel. Just skip it.

Brand Hauser:
How long can you live that way? The poison just holds. It's like a slow motion suicide.

Brand Hauser:
You wake up one day and wonder if you have the courage to walk away, to say "No, I won't do that. I'm not that person. I'm not that thing."

Brand Hauser:
[to Yonica as she's about to get married] You can't do this. You can't do this. I won't let you. I'm your father.

Brand Hauser:
[Hauser fires gun at a few people]

Brand Hauser:
It's me. I've loved you since the day you were born.

Yonica Babyyeah:
[lyrics in credits] Boom boom boom, Bang bang bang, There's a war going on in this heart of mine, They're sneaking up from behind, To try to get into my heart and mind. [explosion]

Yonica Babyyeah:
You say you want to invade me baby, You say you want to enslave me baby, I want to blow you, blow you... up, You say you want to free me baby, You cannot even see me baby, I want to blow you up. You want to occupy my heart and soul, A black widow in a spider hole.

Choreographer:
Each girl is a transfemoral amputee that lost her leg during the liberation.

Marsha Dillon:
And thanks to Tamerlane's cutting edge prosthetic devices, we can literally have you up and dancing before you know it.

Brand Hauser:
just another breathtaking example of how American know-how alleviates the suffering it creates.

Marsha Dillon:
...And Coniel Bislan, an M72 rocket-propelled grenade that mistakenly hit her high school.

Brand Hauser:
And Tamerlane used the exact same RPG firing pin rod assembly technology that it uses in the prosthetic knees of its dancing legs.

Natalie Hegalhuzen:
Talk about vertical integration!

Hauser:
This is Donnie Lou's Fever Juice. It is rated at just under a quarter million Scoville units. Now, when I find the demands of life to be challenging, I take a "wee drop." The more challenging, the higher the Scoville units. [fills a tiny teacup with hot sauce] But the trick, you see, that I've taught myself, is to never allow my eyes to tear up. One completely honest thing... if you really knew me, you'd despise me even more than you do.

Hauser:
Isn't it a little late to be worrying about international conventions? Is nerve gas any worse than getting your head blown off by a precision-guided laser missile? Frankly, it's a nuance that's lost on me.

Walken:
You ever wonder what the ideology of a Vibrio cholerae bacterium is? Or the belief system of Yersinia pestis, the bacteria that causes Bubonic plague? Well I'll tell ya, Hauser: perpetuation! An infinite succession of generations, immortality on the installment plan. I wish I had that sort of esprit de corps, that bacterial team spirit... talk about legacy, talk about empire...

Walken:
Wonderful opportunities here, Hauser, as long as these towel-heads don't actually look up "freedom" in the dictionary. But to use one of your home-spun colloquialisms: let's cut the sh*t, shall we? You know what your problem is, Hauser? You're a moralist! That's why you're so much fun to f*** with. War is the improvement of investment climates by other means. Clausewitz For Dummies. The U.S.A. is a subdivision of Tamerlane. Democracy, the War on Terror, the War on Drugs: these are all focus groups, slogans for Tamerlane!