Wayne's World

Garth Algar:
Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.

Garth Algar:
"Who's trying to kill you, Mr. Donut-head Man?" "I don't know, but he better not."

Wayne Campbell:
Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Wayne Campbell:
All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat".

Wayne Campbell:
Exactly.

Wayne Campbell:
I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

Wayne Campbell:
Am I supposed to be a man, am I supposed to say, it's OK, I don't mind. I don't mind. Well I mind! I mind big time? And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.

Cassandra:
Is that true?

Wayne Campbell:
Yes, everything except the reading part.

Wayne Campbell:
Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illonois, which is a suburb of Chicago - excellent. I've had plenty of joe-jobs, nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets. OK, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is bogus and sad. However I do have a cable access show - and I still know how to party. But what I'd really like is to do "Wayne's World" for a living. It might happen, tsia right, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Wayne Campbell:
I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes that every one liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

Tiny:
Wayne. How you doin'?

Wayne Campbell:
Hey, Tiny, who's playing today?

Tiny:
Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beetles.

Wayne Campbell:
Shitty Beetles? Are they any good?

Tiny:
They suck.

Wayne Campbell:
Then it's not just a clever name.

Garth Algar:
Did you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?

Stacy:
Happy anniversary, Wayne.

Wayne Campbell:
Stacy, we broke up two months ago.

Stacy:
Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out, does it?

Wayne Campbell:
Well, it does actually, that's what breaking up is.

Stacy:
Well, don't you want to open your present?

Wayne Campbell:
If it's a severed head I'm going to be very upset

Stacy:
Open it.

Wayne Campbell:
What is it?

Stacy:
It's a gun rack.

Wayne Campbell:
A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?

Stacy:
You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.

Wayne Campbell:
I lost you 2 months ago. We broke up. Are you mental? Get the net!

Alan:
Do I frighten you?

Mrs. Vanderhoff:
No.

Alan:
Do you want me to?

Benjamin:
Have you spoken to Wayne about the Vanderhoff spot?

Russel:
Yes, briefly. He was not very receptive.

Benjamin:
Oh really? Well I'll explain it to him that it's not a choice. It's in his contract

Russel:
Oh. Well Wayne will understand that right away... NOT!

Russel:
Excuse me!

Wayne Campbell:
So, do you come to Milwaukee often?

Alice Cooper:
Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.

Pete:
Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?

Alice Cooper:
Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."

Wayne Campbell:
I was not aware of that.

Wayne Campbell:
I mean, there are two Darren Stevens, right? Dick York and Dick Sargeant. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh hold on: Dick York, Dick Sergeant, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.

Wayne Campbell:
It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.

Garth Algar:
Ribbed for her pleasure. Ewww.

Garth Algar:
Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this.

Wayne Campbell:
I once thought I had mono for an entire year, It turned out I was just really bored.

Garth Algar:
That is a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym-class.

Wayne Campbell:
She's a babe.

Garth Algar:
She's magically babelicious.

Wayne Campbell:
She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.

Benjamin:
First let me get this out of the way; I'm a big fan.

Garth Algar:
You are?

Benjamin:
The way I see it; your show is capable of so much more.

Garth Algar:
Well, we'll try harder, OK? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance.

Wayne Campbell:
Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?

Benjamin:
Do you have a lawyer?

Wayne Campbell:
Yes. Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.

Garth Algar:
That's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for YOU or for anybody.".

Russel:
It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue.

Wayne Campbell:
Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...

Mikita's Manager, Glen:
Anything wrong, Davy?

Davy:
Yeah, I got paid today.

Mikita's Manager, Glen:
Yeah, I know what that's like.

Davy:
No. You don't understand. They laid me off. I got one of these.

Mikita's Manager, Glen:
Yeah, I know how that feels.

Davy:
Know what I'd like to do?

Mikita's Manager, Glen:
Yeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.

Davy:
Actually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union.

Mikita's Manager, Glen:
Well, the world's a twisted place.

Mikita's Manager, Glen:
I know how you feel.

Mikita's Manager, Glen:
Yes. you'd like to get the guy that laid you off, reach into his chest, and pull out his heart so he can see how black it is before he dies.

Wayne Campbell:
Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents. Wayne Campbell: Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp.

Garth Algar:
Well, you know what? you can take a metal pole and...

Garth Algar:
...and you can break it off so that only a doctor can remove it!

Mikita's Manager, Glen:
Did you know that if you kill a man in the dead of winter you can see steam rising out of him? The Indians though it was your soul escaping.

Garth Algar:
What was that all about?

Wayne Campbell:
Nothing. I just always wanted to open a door on spies in training.

Mikita's Manager, Glen:
You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.

Garth Algar:
OK... First I'll access the secret military spy satelite that is in geosynchronous orbit over the midwest. Then I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then I'll reposition the transmission dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal back into the aerosphere up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137 and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo... It's almost too easy.

Wayne Campbell:
Yes, officer, is there a problem?

T-1000:
Have you seen this boy?

Cassandra:
I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before...

Benjamin Kane:
Oh, actually all champagne is French, it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans of course don't recognize the convention so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white champagne, even though by definition they're not.

Wayne Campbell:
Ah yes, it's a lot like "Star Trek: The Next Generation". In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original.

Wayne Campbell:

Wayne Campbell:
I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...

Wayne Campbell:
She will be mine. Oh yes - she will be mine.

Garth Algar:
Let me tell you something about women, Wayne. They want you to come get them, they LOVE it.

Stacy:
Aren't you gonna open your gift?

Wayne Campbell:
If it's a severed head I'll be very upset.

Garth Algar:
I'm having a good time... not.

Wayne Campbell:
What the hell's going on? I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl. I'm being sh*t on, that's all, sh*t on, and you know what really pisses me off-

Wayne Campbell:
Wait, where are you goin'? OK, things aren't that great, but I'll get 'em back, OK?

Cassandra:
Yeah, and if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped.

Wayne Campbell:
Interesting. Where did you learn English?

Cassandra:
College... and the Police Academy movies.

Garth Algar:
Uh, Wayne?

Wayne Campbell:
Yeah?

Garth Algar:
Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's just using us?

Wayne Campbell:
Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

Cassandra:
Yeah, and if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped.

Wayne Campbell:
Interesting.

Benjamin Kane:
So Garth, what do you think so far?

Garth Algar:
It's like a new pair of underwear. At first it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you.

Wayne Campbell:
Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago - excellent. I've had plenty of jo-jobs; nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets. Ok, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is bogus and sad. However I do have a cable access show, and I still know how to party. But what I'd really like is to do Wayne's World for a living. It might happen. Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Garth Algar:
Hey, is it OK if I put this down, I'm getting tired of holding it.

Wayne Campbell:
Yeah, that's what she said.

Garth Algar:
Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.

Wayne Campbell:
Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp.

Wayne Campbell:
Zang. ("excellent" in Cantonese)

Ron Paxton:
As you can see, it sucks as it cuts.

Wayne Campbell:
It certainly does suck.

Stacy:
Hi Garth.

Garth Algar:
Hi.

Stacy:
I'm looking for Wayne, I'm very concerned about him he seems to be going through a difficult phase right now, yah know. What do you think it is?

Garth Algar:
That you're mental.

Stacy:
You know him best, what do you think I should do?

Garth Algar:
Just get over it and go out with somebody else.

Stacy:
Get over it go out with somebody else. Yeah, thanks, ok, great. Hi.

Garth Algar:
We fear change.

Wayne Campbell:
Phil, what are you doing here? You're partied out, man. Again.

Garth Algar:
What if he honks in the car?

Wayne Campbell:
I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.

Wayne Campbell:
Tell me, when the first show is over, will you still love me when I'm an incredibly humungoid giant star?

Cassandra:
Yeah.

Wayne Campbell:
Will you still love me when I'm in my hanging-out-with-Ravi-Shankar phase?

Cassandra:
Yeah.

Wayne Campbell:
Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase?

Cassandra:
Yeah.

Wayne Campbell:
Okay, party. Bonus.

Wayne Campbell:
I know. I'll use the "May I help you?" riff.

Benjamin:
Hey, who wants Chinese Takeout? I know a great place!

Wayne Campbell:
I'll have "the cream of sum yung guy".

Garth Algar:
We're looking down on Wayne's basement. Only that's not Wayne's basement. Isn't that weird?

Wayne Campbell:
Yeah, that's weird, man, that's weird. Garth! That was a haiku!

Wayne Campbell:
First he screws me, then he screws you. It's Dutch door action.

Old Man Withers:
And I would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you snoopin' kids!

[Wayne and Cassandra visit a local music store]

Wayne Campbell:
There it is-- Excalibur. ["kneels" in respect]

Cassandra:
Wow. '64 Fender Stratocaster in classic white with triple single coil pickups and a whammy bar.

Wayne Campbell:
Pre-CBS Fender corporate buy-out.

Cassandra:
I'd raise the bridge, file down the nut, and take the buzz out of the low "E."

Wayne:
God, I love this woman. [reacts at Garth who just walked into some chimes] Hi, Garth. Where's the clerk? I know. I'll use the "May I help you" riff. [picks up another guitar and does a heavy metal riff]

Attendant:
May I help you?

Wayne:
[puts down guitar] Yes, my good man. I'd like to look at this Fender Stratocaster, please.

Attendant:
Oh really?

Wayne:
Yes.

Attendant:
Again?

Wayne:
Yes.

Attendant:
[opens plastic case and gives Stratocaster to Wayne] Careful.

[Wayne starts strumming some chords but the attendant knows the song. He stops Wayne and points him and Cassandra to a "NO STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN" sign]

Wayne:
[to camera] No Stairway. Denied!

[Wayne goes to Cassandra at a photoshoot]

Wayne Campbell:
Am I supposed to be a man?! am I supposed to say "That's okay, I don't mind"? [splashing water on his face to simulate tears and pretending to sob] I don't mind. Well, I mind! I mind big-time! [title saying OSCAR SCENE appears] And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.

Cassandra:
Is that true?

Wayne:
Yes, everything except the reading part.

[Wayne and Benjamin Kane talk about the new sponsorship]

Benjamin Kane:
Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is, he's the sponsor, and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.

Wayne Campbell:
[With a Pizza Hut pizza box ] Well, that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor. [Pulls a slice out of the box, and poses]

Benjamin:
Sorry you feel that way, but basically, it's the nature of the beast.

Wayne:
[holding a bag of Doritos] Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. [Eats a chip and poses] Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?

Garth Algar:
[dressed head-to-toe in Reebok sportswear] It's like people only do things because they get paid. And that's just really sad.

Wayne:
I can't talk about it anymore. It's giving me a headache.

Garth:
Here, take two of these. ([drops two Nuprin into Wayne's hand, which is seen in black-and-white save for the yellow pills]

Wayne:
Ahh, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.

Benjamin:
Look, you can stay here in the big-leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice.

Wayne:
[Holds up a can of Pepsi.] Yes, and it's The Choice of a New Generation. [Takes a sip and smiles to the camera]

Wayne Campbell:
So, do you... come to Milwaukee often?

Alice Cooper:
Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers were coming here as early as the late 1600s to trade with the Native Americans.

Pete:
In fact, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?

Cooper:
Yes, Pete, it is. Actually it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que," which is Algonquin for, "the good land."

Wayne:
I was not aware of that.

Cooper:
I think one of the most interesting aspects of Milwaukee is the fact that it's the only major American city to have ever elected three socialist mayors.

Wayne:
Does this guy know how to party or what! ...Eh? Eh? [everyone stares blankly at Wayne.] Uh. Okay... Well, we gotta get going.

Alice Cooper:
No, no, no, stick around, hang out with us.

Garth:
Cool! Yeah we'll stay and hang around with ya's... with Alice Cooper...

Garth and Wayne:
[bowing down] We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're scum! We suck! ... [Alice Cooper holds out his hand like royalty for them to kiss]

[Wayne is pulled over by a traffic cop for speeding]

Wayne Campbell:
Yes, officer, is there something wrong?

Traffic Cop:
[holds up photo] Have you seen this boy?

Wayne:
[looks at camera] AAAAAAAHHHH! [looks forward] AAAAHHH!!! [floors it]

Terry:
I love you, man.

Russell:
And I love you. Because I've learned that platonic love can exist between two grown men.

Benjamin Kane:
And I've learned something, too. I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in America, almost to the top, but it can't get you everything.

Wayne:
[Wayne and Garth step forward] Isn't it great we're all better people?

...

Wayne & Garth:
FISHED IN!