We Need Girlfriends

Rod:
Don't scam on my squirrel!

Rod:
Squirrel!

Rod:
Goodbye Forever!

Henry:
I've only slept with like one girl my entire life.

Rod:
You're a pansy.

Henry:
Why? Well how have you slept with?

Rod:
One. But I'm a f***ing pimp.

Henry:
That makes no sense.

Rod:
YOU make no sense!

Tom:
This isn't a sex party.

Rod:
Hey man, for me, every party is a sex party. I'm going to stand in the corner to send out some vibes. [shot of Rod thrusting by himself]

Tom:
I thought you moved out.

Rod:
I never said that I was moving out.

Tom:
You said "goodbye forever"

Rod:
Yeah. "Forever".

Tom:
Do you know what "forever means"?

Rod:
[condescendingly] Hey man, I'm bilingual.

Henry:
Notice all the witty responses? Well, we need a witty response.

Rod:
"See you there".

Henry:
That's not witty.

Rod:
It's witty.

Henry:
How is that witty?

Rod:
I FEEL it's witty.

Henry:
[earnestly] That's not even an argument...

Tom:
How'd it go?

Rod:
Lauren doesn't want me in Ben Affleck's life.

Tom:
Ben Affleck?

Rod:
Yeah, that's what I wouldn't name the kid. It works for a girl or a boy.

Tom:
Well, are you okay with not being in Ben Affleck's life?

Rod:
I thought I was, but now I feel this pain like... err... right... here... I feel like throwing up.

Tom:
...You mean you feel bad.

Rod:
That's stupid! I've never been wrong about anything in my entire life!

Henry:
Wait, is she really gonna keep your child? I just figured, you know, she'd probably just get an abor- DING! - who wants bagel bites!

Lauren:
This isn't how I pictured my life turning out.

Rod:
What do you mean?

Lauren:
I mean, when I thought about having a child it wasn't supposed to be with someone like you.

Rod:
You pictured someone less awesome.

Lauren:
I pictured someone smarter!

Rod:
You didn't answer the question.

Lauren:
I don't love you...

Rod:
I don't love you either.

Lauren:
I actually think you might be the stupidest person I've ever met in my entire life.

Rod:
I actually think that your b*obs are hot!

Lauren:
Could we ever make this work?

Rod:
I think so.

Lauren:
...Why?

Rod:
Again, your hot b*obs.

Henry:
Fence there.

Rod:
You're just pissed off because I'm better than you.

Henry:
At what?

Rod:
Everything. I am da bomb at everything.

Henry:
Name some things that you're "da bomb" at then.

Rod:
[counting them off on his fingers] Uh video games. Jumping. Lego. Jenga.

Henry:
I am better than you at Jenga!

Rod:
No you're not...

Henry:
-yes I am let's play

Rod:
I don't have it!

Henry:
Well neither do I!

Rod:
Well then let's buy it!

Henry:
Fine!

Rod:
Fine, we'll split it!

Henry:
Fine!

Rod:
Good!

Tom:
[pleadingly] Please don't buy Jenga.

Tom:
There's something different about you today

Henry:
Oh yeah! I didn't cry myself to sleep last night thinking about Carol. See, my eyes aren't puffy! [close up of Henry pointing below his eye]

Tom:
You know, I don't think you're completely over Carol yet.

Henry:
[smiling cheerfully] What makes you say that?

Tom:
Well, your myspace name is "I'm not completely over Carol yet"

Henry:
True...

Rod:
Draino kills clogs, not people.

Dennis:
I smell her pillows... it smells like her dreams.

Rod:
Spank bank!