Wedding Singer

Robbie:
All right, remember - alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you!

Robbie:
Are you drinking, too?

Julia:
No, it's Coca-Cola.

Robbie:
Are you sure? There's no rum in that Coca-Cola?

Julia:
I'm not a big drinker. And if it was, I'd probably be puking more than that kid!

Robbie:
Oh, I don't think anybody could puke more than than kid. I think I saw a boot come out of him.

Holly:
You know who else I think is sexy? Robbie Hart.

Glenn:
You think the "Time To Make The Doughnuts" guy is sexy.

Robbie:
Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon. And while we do that here's a little mood music for you.

Glenn:
This is a great idea. I'm glad you came around. You want to do some gambling and have some fun right away, or you just want to get married?

Robbie:
Well, I have a microphone, and you don't, so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!

Julia:
Not porno tongue. Church tongue.

Robbie:
Church tongue, I like that.

Sammy:
If you find somebody you can love, you can't let that get away.

Robbie:
Hey. I kissed her, but it didn't mean anything, I just brought her the jacket.

Glenn:
Kissed who?

Holly:
Oh, me.

Glenn:
Who hasn't?

Andy:
Oh, sh*t. I got water all over myself.

Robbie:
No, I don't drink

Glenn:
Well I do, how about an "Alabama Slammer"?

Glenn's buddy:
Sounds like a plan.

Robbie:
Yeah, go ahead, have a few drinks and, you know, drive home.

Robbie:
See? Billy Idol gets it!

Old Man in Bar:
They rip your heart out of your ass.

Rosie:
Are you nervous?

Robbie:
No, I've been around lots of weddings before, so I figure it won't be very different.

Rosie:
No, not about the wedding. About the wedding night. Will this be your first time with intercourse?

Robbie:
Uh...

Rosie:
Well, don't be ashamed. You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I'd already had intercourse with eight men.

Robbie:
Now, that's something I didn't wanna know about.

Rosie:
That was a lot back then; it'd be like two hundred today!

Robbie:
Once again, Things that could have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!

Robbie:
No it felt real good, thanks for bringing that up, man. Hey, my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that?

Robbie:
I don't know

Julia:
Hey, Glenn, do you mind if we switch seats so I sat in the window seat?

Glenn:
Mmm. I hate the aisle seat. Every time that drink cart comes by it bangs me in the elbows.

Robbie:
Can I borrow your credit card?

Sammy:
You're gonna pay me back, right?

Robbie:
No. But if you don't give it to me, I'm gonna tell everyone what you said at the bar.

Robbie:
We're living in a material world and I am a material girl... or boy.

Mr. Simms:
Do you have any experience?

Robbie:
No, sir, I have no experience but I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in.

Julia:
I puked.

Robbie:
Okay. Don't worry.

Julia:
I vomited in my hair.

Robbie:
All right.

Julia:
Does my hair smell bad?

Robbie:
No, it smells good, actually.

Robbie:
Hey, the goofball brothers!

Robbie:
What? No!

Petey:
Nervous breakdown! Nervous breakdown!

Robbie:
Who said that?

Robbie:
Everybody? You're eight years old... the only people you know are your parents!

Petey:
Cuckoo's nest! Cuckoo's nest!

Robbie:
Hey, psycho, we're not going to talk about this. It's over. Now get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.

Glenn:
Who are you going out with?

Holly:
Robbie.

Glenn:
Oh good, that guy needs to get laid.

Holly:
Excuse me! Just because he's going out with me doesn't mean he's going to get laid.

Holly:
... All right, he probably will.

Holly:
God, I love David Bowie. He is SO sexy.

Glenn:
You think the "time to make the donuts" guy is sexy.

Robbie:
Heh heh, that guy is funny.

Julia:
May I ask what happened with Linda?

Robbie:
She wasn't the right one, I guess.

Julia:
Did you have any idea she wasn't the right one when you were together?

Robbie:
I should have. Uh, I remember we went to the Grand Canyon one time. We were flying there and I'd never been there before and Linda had, so you would think that she would give me the window seat but she didn't and... not that that's a big deal, you know. It's just there were a lot of little things like that. I know that sounds stupid...

Julia:
Not at all. I think it's the little things that count.

Holly:
I mean, you know why she's marrying him, dont' you?

Robbie:
The money thing? Security? A nice house? I guess that's important to some people.

Holly:
No, it's not important to some people, Robbie. It's important to ALL people.

Robbie:
Really? Well, then I guess I'm in big trouble.

Andre:
Hey, you know what you must do... relax; don't do it.

Glenn:
Hey, asswipe, don't go snitching to Julia about this. I know you got a little crush on her, but you gotta face the facts: she'd rather go to bed with a REAL man. Not some poor singing orphan.

Robbie:
All right, shithead. I haven't been in a fight since I was in the fifth grade, but I beat the sh*t out of that kid, so now I'm going to beat the sh*t out of you.

Robbie:
Hey, what are you doing, man?

Old Man in Bar:
I'm sorry. I used to be much stronger.

Kate:
Come on, Andy! Move your ass!

Andy:
Hang on, hon! I'm watching Dallas! I think J.R. might be dead or something - they shot him!

Robbie:
How did you know that Glenn was the right one?

Julia:
The right one... I always just envisioned the right one being someone I could see myself growing old with.

Robbie:
Yeah.

Julia:
And... Glenn would be a really good looking older man. Like Blake Carrington.

Robbie:
I'm gonna probably look like Buddy Hackett.

Robbie:
Sleep it off, pal. All right.

Holly:
Robbie, I have to talk to you!

Robbie:
I can't talk right now.

Holly:
Are you back with Linda?

Robbie:
No! Why? Who said that?

Holly:
Julia. She went to your house to tell you she was falling for you and Linda answered the door in her underwear! She was so upset, she and Glenn just jumped a plane to Vegas.

Robbie:
What do you mean? They're getting married tomorrow!

Holly:
Well, apparently that wasn't soon enough.

Petey:
Hey Linda, you're a b*tch.

Robbie:
Thanks Petey, go back into the house. He might have Tourette Syndrome. We're looking into it.

Robbie:
You don't know how much I need you. / While you're near me, I don't feel blue / And when we kiss I know you need me to. / I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true. But it all was bullshit. / It was a goddamn joke / And when I think of you, Linda / I hope you f***ing choke. I hope you're glad with what you've done to me. / I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy. / You left me here, all alone, tears running constantly. / Oh would somebody kill me please? Somebody kill me please. / I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please / Kill me. / I want to die. / Put a bullet in my heeeeaaaad.