What We Do in the Shadows

Vladislav:
We're vampires, we don't put down towels.

Anton, werewolf:
[to all the werewolves] What are we? We're... [All, together] We're Werewolves, not Swear-Wolves.

Deacon:
I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.

Vladislav:
I think of it like this. If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had f***ed it.

Viago:
Yeah some of our clothes are from victims. You might bite someone and then, you think, 'Oooh, those are some nice pants!'.

Jackie:
You were a virgin when we were seeing each other.

Nick:
Yeah, I was twelve.

Stu:
[Showing the vampires Google] Anything you want to find you type it in.

Viago:
I lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.

Deacon:
Yes, now Google it.

Deacon:
When you are a vampire you become very... , sexy!

Vladislav:
We should get some slaves!

Vladislav:
He was an 18th century dandy, so he can be very fussy

Vladislav:
Leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet!

Viago:
What are you bidding on?

Vladislav:
I am bidding on a table.

Vladislav:
You will not eat Stu and you will not eat the camera guy...

Vladislav:
Maybe one camera guy.

Vladislav:
The point is, Deacon, you have not done the dishes for 5 years!

Viago:
Vladislav is right, it's unacceptable to have so many bloody dishes all over this bench like there.

Vladislav:
I'm so embarrassed when people come over here.

Deacon:
Why does it matter? You bring them over, you kill them! Vampires don't do dishes!

Vladislav:
[to Nick] Are you a virgin?

Jackie:
[interrupts] Yes.

Nick:
Umm, no.

Jackie:
[to Nick] You were a virgin when we were seeing each other.

Nick:
Yeah, I was 12.

Deacon:
The neighbours can see you flying around the house. Do you want to draw attention to this house, hmm?

Nick:
You've got a whole documentary group following you around.

Deacon:
I'm doing an erotic dance for my friends. You ruined it. I was in the zone. My friends were loving it.

Anton, Werewolf Leader:
Hey hey hey. Don't swear. We're werewolves, not Swear-Wolves. What are we?

Werewolves:
Werewolves, not Swear-Wolves.

Nick:
Twilight!

Deacon:
Shut up, Nick! You're not Twilight.

Deacon:
Let us do the 'Procession of Shame' now.

[cut to Viago, Deacon, and Vladislav walking around and pointing at Nick]

Viago, Deacon, Vladislav:
Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Bad Vampire.

Deacon:
[to Viago] You can't go to the Ball as Blade. He's a Vampire Hunter.

Viago:
Yeah, but Vampires love Wesley Snipes.

Viago:
So it's 6pm in the nighttime, which is when I wake up. This is always really scary part for me [slowly peaks out of curtains] Yes! Nighttime.

Viago:
One year I went to the Unholy Masquerade dressed as Whoopi Goldberg from 'Sister Act 1' and 'Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit'. Didn't go down so well because she was a nun. Weird. Vampires don't like nuns.

Viago:
[talking about re-uniting with his now-elderly love, Katherine] Some people freak out a bit about the age difference. Uhh… they think 'What's this 96-year-old lady doing with a guy 4 times her age?'.

Deacon:
I don't think Nick should have become a vampire. He's such a dick.

Deacon:
[reading text message from Viago] One message received. [turns around startled to find nothing] "Ther iz a crucifx behind you".

Deacon:
[to Nick] This is what happens when you're a vampire. You have to watch everyone die. Your mother and father. All your friends. Sometimes brutal, like slipping and falling onto a giant spike. Or falling asleep in an autumn pile of leaves and having some of them block your windpipe. Or making the simple mistake of fashioning a mask out of crackers and being attacked by ducks, geese, swans. Or even dying of old age, but even old age is brutal. Watching your friends grow old. They can't piss, and they say stupid things, and their brains go, and they can't remember anything. And then one day they can't even remember who you are, and you wish they were dead, and then they do die.

Vladislav:
[about Stu] At first I wanted to kill him, but now I'm glad I spent time to get to know him.

Vladislav:
[Nick and Deacon quarrel, Nick runs away by turning into a bat, Deacon chases after him by also turning into a bat] Ooh! Bat Fight!

Nick:
At the start I was like 'Oh no, like I'm– I'm dead'. It's kinda affected my friendship with normal people and my family and stuff. But the way I see it I have a whole new family who accept me for who I am, and I accept them for who they are…even though one of them killed me.

Nick:
[telling a group of strangers] The movie 'Twilight'. Have you seen it? Okay, I'm the main in 'Twilight'. You know the main guy? 'Twilight'? That's me.

Nick:
[eats a nacho chip and begins to puke in the alleyway] I can't eat solids now. Great. What, I can't sunbathe? I can't watch daytime TV? I can…well I guess I could. M-More than anything, it’s just the chips. That’s my favourite food and I can't eat chips. It's– I don't– It's just– I hate– I’ll say it. I'm over being a vampire now. It's sh*t, so don't…don't believe the hype.