When Louis Met... The Hamiltons

Neil Hamilton:
[about the time he sued the BBC for libel] Well, I was accused of being a closet Nazi whose aim was to take over the Tory party and we were going to install a fascist dictatorship in Britain.

Louis Theroux:
Any truth?

Neil Hamilton:
Well, it sounds credible, doesn't it?

Louis Theroux:
[picking up a plastic toy battleaxe] Can I ask about this?

Christine Hamilton:
That's my battleaxe.

Louis Theroux:
Do you mind being called a battleaxe?

Christine Hamilton:
Not in the slightest, no.

Louis Theroux:
What about you, Neil? Do you mind it being said that you're married to a battleaxe?

Neil Hamilton:
No, cos, you know, that's the brand that we're selling.

Louis Theroux:
Is that the brand that you're selling? I like that.

Neil Hamilton:
[discussing the Conservative Party leadership election with someone at Gyles Brandreth's book launch] No, but Ancram is just a bloated old fart, isn't he? Hopeless, utterly hopeless. [puts on a windbag-ish voice] Utterly hopeless. Bloated old fart.

Gyles Brandreth:
But it doesn't mean to say because somebody is...

[makes an extroverted gesture]

Gyles Brandreth:
- that actually they aren't a real, vulnerable human being as well.

Christine Hamilton:
No, I know, I know.

Gyles Brandreth:
And there are splendid British virtues, such as the stiff upper lip. I mean actually, it's something that's rather admirable. So... mustn't get emotional.

Christine Hamilton:
No, we mustn't get emotional, but because I always come out jolly and bouncy, up front, people assume that that's how you are and you don't care, but of course that's not the case. I'm as vulnerable as the next person.

Christine Hamilton:
I could do without being marched off to police stations with threats of being searched and goodness knows what - I mean, what a flaming cheek! Jumped-up little Hitlers.

Neil Hamilton:
Will there be any refreshments in the police station?

Michael Coleman:
Yeah, if you want it. They're not allowed to beat you up, they used to be allowed to but not anymore.

Louis Theroux:
What, beat you up?

Michael Coleman:
Yeah. That got banned a few years ago, that spoilt everything.

Neil Hamilton:
[on his mobile phone] Anyway, I'm not going to say any more now, it'll all be on the tapes and I'm sure there was someone from The Guardian there anyway.

Christine Hamilton:
If that's The Guardian, they can... Just put it down, darling. Don't even talk to them.

Neil Hamilton:
Sorry, I can't talk any more now.

[he ends the call. Christine takes the phone off him]

Christine Hamilton:
Guardian? Don't even give them battery space!

Louis Theroux:
The only identifying characteristic she could come up with was a blue dress?

Neil Hamilton:
Yeah. She doesn't even know whether I'm circumcised or not.

Christine Hamilton:
Oh, for Christ's sake!

Neil Hamilton:
Oh no, we asked that question to the police. They don't know, needless to say, because they hadn't thought to ask it.

Michael Coleman:
I asked the policemen "Did she say circumcised or not?" And they said "Well, is he?" and I said "No, you ask her whether he is!"

Christine Hamilton:
All right, I've said enough. I know, I've had 3 or 4 glasses of wine...

Neil Hamilton:
You have, and I think we need to have something to eat. I hesitate to say you need to get something inside you.

Christine Hamilton:
Oh darling, for God's sake. [to the cameraman] Will, if you broadcast that, I shall come round personally and stab you.

Neil Hamilton:
And of course the killer point in all this is they're going to produce medical evidence to show that I'm impotent.

Christine Hamilton:
Oh, for... Darling, will you stop quipping!

Louis Theroux:
It's so hard to tell when Neil's joking, isn't it? Is that a joke Neil?

Christine Hamilton:
[indicating the fluffy-covered microphone on the camera] Turn that willy thing off!

[In the lift going down to face the press outside the Hamiltons' apartment building]

Louis Theroux:
Why don't you just say... "Would you like to come upstairs for a quick orgy?"

[Louis is spending his last night at the Hamiltons' house in Cheshire. They've had a few glasses of wine and now Christine is sitting close to Louis on the sofa with her arm round him. He looks somewhat uncomfortable. Neil isn't in the room]

Louis Theroux:
You like to flirt, don't you?

Christine Hamilton:
Course I like to flirt, what wrong with that? I've told you once before, if not twice, but I'll tell you again - One of the most wonderful things about being happily married, apart from all the obvious things, is that you can flirt outrageously and nobody takes you seriously.

Christine Hamilton:
[showing Louis the bathroom of their London flat] And these little rude tiles of people chasing each other round with nothing on.

Neil Hamilton:
They were done by William Rushton.

Louis Theroux:
So, are you quite saucy, a saucy couple of people?

Christine Hamilton:
Oh, yes. [she chuckles]

Neil Hamilton:
No, I'm very staid.

Louis Theroux:
Because Tories... I think Conservatives aren't supposed to - they're strong on family, but they're not supposed to be as sexually liberated as people on the left, are they?

Neil Hamilton:
Well, that wasn't our experience during the last Tory government, was it?

Louis Theroux:
No, but that's why they got in trouble. Do you see what I mean?

Christine Hamilton:
What's wrong with being saucy?

Louis Theroux:
Nothing, I'm just asking you, are you saucy? Are you a little bit X-rated?

Neil Hamilton:
No, not at all. I mean, it's been a permanent source of regret to me that the one thing I've never been involved in is a sex scandal.

Michael Coleman:
Being a lawyer, it's not application of law, it's a manipulation of people psychologically in order for them to behave in a way that they think they're behaving freely that suits your purpose. So again, that's what we're doing today. This really hasn't got anything to do about law, I mean, principally what this is about is a psychology game where you're the victims, or almost you're the ball as it were, and the policemen and I are the players.

Christine Hamilton:
This what I object to in lawyers, it's our lives that are at stake and to them it's just a game.

Michael Coleman:
What, the fact that we get such pleasure in playing with them?

Christine Hamilton:
It may be an intellectual game to some of them...

Michael Coleman:
It is an intellectual game.

Louis Theroux:
It's not very flattering, is it? Made you sound like - what did he say, football? You're a ball. And it doesn't matter whether you're innocent or guilty.

Christine Hamilton:
Well, we are, that is how we do feel. The newspapers don't care whether you're innocent or guilty as long as it's a good story. All they're interested in is shifting newspaper.

Michael Coleman:
[making a statement to the press outside the police station] This afternoon, Mr and Mrs Hamilton, by arrangement with the police, were arrested. This arrangement was made two weeks ago. An accusation has been made against them that they took part in a rape and indecent assault of a woman, in Ilford on Saturday the 5th of May. The details of that allegation are quite horrific, and I think it's appropriate that you know of the allegation in order that, if any one of you is interested in it, that you should detail it. It's said that Mr and Mrs Hamilton were in a flat in Ilford when a young woman was raped. Whilst she was raped it is also said that Mr Hamilton was masturbating onto her, whilst another man, as yet unidentified by the police, was also masturbating onto her, and Mrs Hamilton was squatting on her face.

Louis Theroux:
In a strange way, because the accusations are so bizarre, they may end up helping this weird brand that you've evolved.

Christine Hamilton:
Oh, Louis. Brand. You talk to us about a weird brand, you're the weird brand.

Louis Theroux:
Do you know what I mean though?

Neil Hamilton:
Well, you've made weirdness into an artform.

Louis Theroux:
No, because the bankruptcy and the Al Fayed thing, that's a bit sort of...

Christine Hamilton:
It's old hat now.

Louis Theroux:
It was old hat and it was sort of... And even I, when we were doing this, was like "Well, they are interesting, they've got an interesting relationship but all the scandal's a bit pass?." And this, this does... I mean, I don't think most people will believe it but they will think "Ooh, there's something a bit interesting about them, they're an intriguing couple..."

Christine Hamilton:
[bending down and looking at Louis - who is seated - straight in the eye] Do you think, Louis, that you have invested in, what's the word, invented all this, for the purposes of your documentary?

Neil Hamilton:
Oh, that's a point, isn't it? I never thought of that. This is the real conspiracy.

Christine Hamilton:
You're just saying, basically...

Neil Hamilton:
You're behind this.

Christine Hamilton:
In shorthand, you were saying the Hamiltons were getting a bit boring because all the allegations are old hat. And suddenly we've got this and here you are... [she points a finger at him]

Louis Theroux:
Do you think I've invented it, is that what you're asking?

Christine Hamilton:
Now, I'm not sure.

Louis Theroux:
[pointing at an unflattering mugshot-esque photo of himself in one of the many newspaper articles about the Hamiltons scandal] Look at this dodgy character. I knew he was involved. [to Christine] How did he get involved? Seriously, I mean, with all due respect, and I do have a lot of sympathy for you - Don't drag me into this, please.

Christine Hamilton:
But you're in it. Don't be silly.

Louis Theroux:
I'm clean.

Christine Hamilton:
Don't be silly.

Louis Theroux:
I didn't even go to... [referring to the swingers episode of Weird Weekends he did in the past] I mean, I went to one swingers party, and you mentioned me in the police interview as well, saying I showed you what swingers were.

Christine Hamilton:
You did.

Granny:
You are being criticized, both of you, for seeking publicity.

[she points to the camera]

Granny:
All this is going on camera. How can you deny that you don't?

Christine Hamilton:
[about the documentary filming, which has coincided with the sex scandal] We were already agreed to do this with Louis, and as you know...

Granny:
Yes, but you didn't know what was going to happen. You should have given Louis his marching orders.

Louis Theroux:
Well, no, I wouldn't - See, I agree with Granny up to a point. I think it's good that we're still doing the documentary.

Granny:
It's good for you, but it's not good for them.

Louis Theroux:
Well, it's good for me.

[he laughs]

Louis Theroux:
Well, no, the point I was going to make is that... this isn't going out for several months, so this in no way affects what's going on at the moment.

Granny:
Well, then it'll only drag the whole thing out of the mire again. Well, this is the last straw, isn't it? To have it all going on tape and screened...

Neil Hamilton:
No, not at all, I'm all in favour of it.

Granny:
Well, it is for me, Neil, I'm sorry, dear. I was brought up in a different era from you. These things never happened, there wasn't any television. We got the first radio with the crystals in my youth. The idea that everything you do is going on screen and on tape and on God knows what...

Neil Hamilton:
Well, it's very useful to have contemporary...

Granny:
It may be useful to you but it is not useful to me. All I'm saying is how you appear - can appear, not necessarily do appear, not to anybody who knows you or knows us - but to this ghastly media circus.

Louis Theroux:
Easy.

Granny:
Sorry, darling. I'm not going easy for you.

[she laughs]

Louis Theroux:
But it's a little bit hurtful, isn't it?

[Granny laughs out loud]

Granny:
Come on, Louis! The media isn't capable of being hurt.

[points to the cameraman]

Granny:
Look at him, he's part of the media, too. He sits there, trying to look innocent.

Christine Hamilton:
Doesn't succeed though, does he?

Granny:
No, he doesn't, as far as I'm concerned, no.

Louis Theroux:
[laughs] No, he's all right, Will's all right. Blame me.

Granny:
No. I don't believe a word you say.

Neil Hamilton:
[taking Louis into the guest bedroom at their house in Chesire, where he will be staying the night] This is the Margaret Hilda Thatcher memorial suite. And this is your loo... upon which the Thatcherial bottom reposed.

Christine Hamilton:
Neil, stop it!

Louis Theroux:
Is it true that Margaret Thatcher really stayed here, once?

Christine Hamilton:
I'm backing out of this.

Louis Theroux:
Neil?

Neil Hamilton:
Well, she came for tea.

Louis Theroux:
And she went to the loo?

Neil Hamilton:
And she occupied this suite.

Louis Theroux:
But just to clarify, Margaret Thatcher did go to the loo in there?

Christine Hamilton:
Stop it. Don't be vulgar, Louis.

Neil Hamilton:
It's really very vulgar, and like the Queen, she doesn't have to.

Christine Hamilton:
Oh, for goodness sake. Come along.

Christine Hamilton:
Louis's got to present an objective documentary. But the problem is now that you've actually realised that we're actually kind of ordinary human beings. And I don't think you thought that we were, I seriously don't think that you thought...

Louis Theroux:
Can I ask you one thing, Christine?

Christine Hamilton:
You can ask me anything you like, whether I answer or not is a matter for me.

Louis Theroux:
[points to Neil, who is lying on the floor smoking a cigar] Does that look like an ordinary human being over there?

Christine Hamilton:
That's my husband, of course he's not ordinary, he's extraordinary. You would have to be extraordinary to be married to me cos I'm pretty grim to live with on a 24 hour basis.

Neil Hamilton:
You may say that, I couldn't possibly comment.

Louis Theroux:
[trying to get Christine to divulge something] This is me, Christine. I'm not a journalist, I'm a friend.

Louis Theroux:
Do you think if you bring libel actions, as you say you might, that you could end up actually making a bit of money, couldn't it?

Neil Hamilton:
Anybody who goes into libel cases thinking they're going to make money out of them obviously doesn't know much about the English law of libel.

Louis Theroux:
[narrating] I was now 4 days into the story, and I'd been absorbed into the Hamilton household. I feared I was losing my bearings as a journalist, I felt more like a visiting son of Neil and Christine. Louis Hamilton.

[Christine has just been out to be photographed by the press gathered outside their house]

Louis Theroux:
Was that all right?

Christine Hamilton:
No, I think that was probably a disaster. That is the last thing they should have got, although I suppose that's probably what they want, me in tears. I mean, I don't know, is that a good idea? I can't do anything right, I get criticised if I go out there...

Louis Theroux:
Sometimes vulnerability is good, isn't it? Sometimes you want a bit of vulnerability, do you not?

Christine Hamilton:
Well, I can't win, can I? I mean, we're accused of summoning all those people to the end of the drive, we're accused of creating a media circus, we're accused of...

Louis Theroux:
You know what you have to watch out for, cos I noticed this as well, it's like - the cameramen swinging round and shooting the other cameramen, and then you hear in your head "The media circus continues." I mean, you think they can't be all there covering each other and saying the other ones are the circus and they're not. But then, I suppose, in a way that's what we're doing. Are we part of the circus or... It's a circus that feeds on itself, is it? I don't know.

Christine Hamilton:
You know, it's perfectly reasonable, the press want today's picture, they don't want yesterday's picture. This is what Granny can't understand, "Oh, for goodness sake, they've got millions of pictures of you" Yes Granny, but, you know, not today's picture.

Christine Hamilton:
[reading a newspaper] Listen to this - "Deeply unattractive as the Hamiltons are..." [she pulls a face] "... it seems difficult to imagine them in the context of a lurid sex case."

Louis Theroux:
What, he says because you're unattractive you couldn't be in a sex case? I've seen swingers, they're not attractive.

[the charges against the Hamiltons have been dropped and the media have gone away. Louis has taken them out to dinner to mark the last night of filming the documentary. But now they're talking about filing various lawsuits. Louis thinks they should just put the whole thing behind them]

Christine Hamilton:
I mean, I know I'm arguing against myself, because right now I would just like to walk out of that door and just disappear into oblivion... We have now got the power to create interest in the fightback and also to try and generate interest in the various organisations who are fighting for people who have been accused wrongfully of various crimes. And you can't just walk away from that.

Louis Theroux:
It sounds a teeny bit... the word you used against Martin Bell...

Christine Hamilton:
Sounds sanctimonious, I suppose.

Louis Theroux:
Yeah, sounds a bit sanctimonious.

Christine Hamilton:
I knew you were going to say sanctimonious. Well, you believe all the cuttings.

[she gets up and leaves the table]

Christine Hamilton:
[to Neil] Come on, let's go.

Neil Hamilton:
What do you mean, go? We haven't had our pudding.

Louis Theroux:
Is she walking out?

Neil Hamilton:
I think she's going to get some more bread.

[Christine returns to the table]

Christine Hamilton:
If the Hamiltons are demanding money to appear on television, that's par for the course and everybody believes that, but if the Hamiltons are actually saying that they want to do something that's worthwhile and good, you tell me that's sanctimonious - Well, thank you, Louis! You have completely missed the point of the last whatever minutes of conversation. Because we are in the limelight, because this whole business has been hugely escalated by the press cos there's nothing else going on in August, it is precisely because we're in the limelight that...

Neil Hamilton:
[interrupting] Macedonia is totally irrelevant...

Christine Hamilton:
[tries to put her hand over Neil's mouth to shut him up] It's because we realise...

Neil Hamilton:
No, but that's the judgment of news editors all over the place...

[Christine bangs the table and turns away in frustration. Neil makes a silly sheepish face]

Christine Hamilton:
I was making a point and you completely cocked it up. So... No, I give up.

Neil Hamilton:
No, you don't.

Christine Hamilton:
I do, cos I've forgotten the thread.

Neil Hamilton:
You're carrying on, that's an order. Das ist ein befehl!

Christine Hamilton:
This case of... mistake of casen identity... 'Mistake of casen identity'!

[she laughs]

Christine Hamilton:
Actually, Louis did it!

Louis Theroux:
Clifford's also been giving interviews where he's sort of said "Oh, the Hamiltons..." Did you read this? "... they're like a pantomime couple." Did you read that one? He said you're like Widow Twankey and Neil's like Buttons, as if to say "Well, even if it turns out to be bogus, who cares, it's only the Hamiltons."

Christine Hamilton:
Well, that's his view, isn't it?

Louis Theroux:
Well, I thought that was quite shocking.

Christine Hamilton:
Well, who cares what Max Clifford says?

[the phone has started ringing, she picks it up]

Christine Hamilton:
Hello? Oh, Max, hello.

[she laughs]

Christine Hamilton:
Hello Ed, no, I'm joking.

Will Yapp - Cameraman:
[in Neil's car as he's parking it, while Christine is outside] I think it was a bit of a tactical error for her to get pissed before she faced the press!

Neil Hamilton:
Quite, absolutely right. Well, she's not pissed but she is tired and emotional.

Louis Theroux:
[through the car window] Christine, you mustn't keep talking to the press, really.

[They're watching a video of a pilot episode for 'Posh Nosh', a TV series the Hamiltons were hoping to make]

Louis Theroux:
[watching Neil] No offence, but your body language is very odd. Don't you think, Christine, can you see that? He walks like... like a marionette, somehow.