Wishbone

Wanda Gilmore:
[looking at the flier showing Sam eating] Oh, Sam, this is terrible. A clear-cut invasion of privacy...

[suddenly stops]

Wanda Gilmore:
Is that a tater tot? Do they still serve tater tots? I love tater tots.

[the others look at her]

Wanda Gilmore:
Oh, sorry.

Wishbone:
Oh, no, Wanda. That's the thing about food and love: never having to say you're sorry.

Wishbone:
[as Sherlock Holmes] Holmes, ol' boy, to catch an actor, you must *become* an actor!

Wishbone:
Diction, people, diction!

Samantha Kepler:
Now, Wishbone, sit and stay.

Wishbone:
I know: sit, stay, save the day... Hey, it's what I do.

Joe Talbot:
Let's go to the No-Name grave.

Wishbone:
Whoo-oooh, scary.

Sam Kepler:
You know, there's a lot of stories about that grave. It's been there as long as anyone can remember. It's supposed to be haunted.

David Barnes:
Well, I heard that it was somebody who was murdered, and the murderer buried the body there.

Sam Kepler:
But there's no name on the tombstone, and now, the ghost can find no peace.

David Barnes:
So sometimes he comes up to tell a story.

Sam Kepler:
But he is so horrible-looking, that whoever sees him drops dead immediately, and gets sucked into the grave.

Joe Talbot:
But nobody really believes that, right?

David Barnes:
Right.

Sam Kepler:
Of course not.

Wishbone:
[as Tom Sawyer, he and Huck see a cannon go off on a ship looking for a drowneded body] I know who's drowneded. It's us!

Huck Finn:
Us?

Wishbone:
Well we snuck away so nobody knows where we are! They think we're dead and drowneded! We're heroes, Huck, we're famous!

Huck Finn:
But we're dead.

Wishbone:
Only temporarily, Huckleberry Finn. Best kind of death is a temporary one.

David Barnes:
Who'd want to dig up a grave?

Wishbone:
[finds a paper bag] Well whoever it is likes salami on rye.

Huck Finn:
[sees fire in the cemetery] Tom, I think it's devil fire. This is awful!

[sees people]

Huck Finn:
They're humans, not devils.

Wishbone:
Why, it's Muff Potter for sure.

Huck Finn:
A... and Crazy Joe, and Doc Robinson!

Wishbone:
[as Tom Sawyer] I saw the murder, but it wasn't Muff Potter did it.

Judge Thatcher:
Then who, my boy?

Wishbone:
It was Crazy Joe! He jumped in with that knife and...

[Crazy Joe dives out the court room window and runs away]

Wishbone:
Uh-oh! I'm a dead dog!

[first lines]

Wishbone:
This is my house. And this is my chair.

[the camera shows him]

Wishbone:
And this is me, talking. And aren't you lucky - you can hear me. Well, what were you expecting -a cat? Ha! Please. These are my people. My boy, Joe, and his mother, Ellen.

Ellen Talbot:
So what did you..."sort of" find?

Wishbone:
Oh, nothing, just a crazy man digging up a grave!

Joe Talbot:
Well, you know the No-Name grave?

Ellen Talbot:
Oh, sure, the mystery grave.

Joe Talbot:
Well, today, Sam and David and I went to check it out.

Ellen Talbot:
Ooh, so did you find anything?

Joe Talbot:
...Actually, Mom, there was a guy digging it up. He caught us spying on him and he chased us away.

Ellen Talbot:
[laughing] What?

Joe Talbot:
This crazy guy was digging up the grave. We could hear his shovel scraping across the coffin.

Ellen Talbot:
Wait, you're just making this up, you're just trying to scare me, right?

Joe Talbot:
No, Mom, it's true, I know it sounds strange but it's true. He caught us spying on him because of Wishbone and he chased us away.

Joe Talbot:
[sees Wishbone about asleep] I don't think Wishbone's too worried.

Wishbone:
Who's worried? Tom Sawyer had only one worry. After the trial of Muff Potter, Tom worried that Crazy Joe would come back for him.

Huck Finn:
[about finding buried treasure] What do your books say?

Wishbone:
Well, sometimes it's buried on islands, but mostly it's buried under the floorboards in haunted houses.

Huck Finn:
Who hides it?

Wishbone:
Robbers! Who do you think, schoolteachers?

Judge Thatcher:
Tom, I've come to tell you you don't need to worry about Crazy Joe anymore. We found him in the cave, dead.

Aunt Polly:
Reckon he had it coming.

Wishbone:
[as Tom Sawyer] Now listen here, Huck Finn, being rich ain't gonna stop me from turning robber.

Wishbone:
[as Charles Darnay] I *love* tea time; right after lunch time and just before supper time.

Wanda Gilmore:
[after crashing David's toy car] Joe, you should really keep Wishbone away from this thing.

Wishbone:
What? *She's* the one who doesn't know how to drive!

Madame DeFarge:
The knot of revenge must be tied around his neck!

Ellen Talbot:
Can someone tell me, what is the story?

Wishbone:
[barking] *I'll* give you, the story.

Ellen Talbot:
Quiet, Wishbone.

Wishbone:
Nobody ever listens to the dog.

Wishbone:
Ellen *hates* it when you mess with the toilet paper. Believe me, I know.

Wishbone:
You smell like Joe... [sniffs a shirt] OH, yeah, you're Joe. You haven't washed this.

Wanda Gilmore:
He thinks he's someone named J.T. Ellen - he's got amnesia!

Wanda Gilmore:
[reading "The Mind of a Dog"] You know, I had no idea this simple beast had such a complicated inner life. Such strong affections; oh, this book has opened my eyes.

Wishbone:
Well, what can I say? Still waters run deep.

Wishbone:
My middle name is Faithful.

Wishbone:
You've got to face up to it, Joe. But you'd better take the cute litle dog, just in case.

Wishbone:
A pizza really says it all - "I love you", "You're my friend", "Feed the dog"...

Wishbone:
[Joe's laying on the couch watching TV] Hey, how much time can you spend doing nothing in front of a talking box?

Wishbone:
[Joe can't figure out a percentage even with his new calculator] Joe! That calculator was supposed to take you forward. But you, my friend, are moving backwards.

Wishbone:
[as the Time Traveler, reading an old book of Shakespeare] 'Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time; and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.

[touches the page and it desintigrates, gasps]

Weena:
[laughs] Dusty death!

Wishbone:
Weena! How can you laugh? Don't these books mean anything to you? Weena, don't you read?

Weena:
Read? What is read?

Wishbone:
[leaving the library] But, Weena, reading is fundamental.

Weena:
Is fun?

Wishbone:
Fundamental. Weena, I'm starting to think I built the time machine in vain.

Wanda Gilmore:
Oh, sorry. There's no calculator. Oh, hey...

[puts a pencil and paper down]

Wanda Gilmore:
Use this.

Joe Talbot:
No, it's all right, I'm fine.

Wishbone:
"No, it's all right, I'm fine." Famous last words.

Wishbone:
[as the Time Traveler] What is your name?

[Weena stares at him puzzled]

Wishbone:
Uh... what are you called?

[Weena still doesn't respond]

Wishbone:
Okay, let's try this again. Who are you?

Weena:
I am Weena. You are man!

[laughs]

Wishbone:
[turns to the camera] Uh-huh, I'm convinced, it's something in the water.

Wishbone:
You know, next to lunch and dinner, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Wishbone:
It's OK, I'll call 911. 911! 911!

Wishbone:
He's a regular dog, walking his human.

Mr. Pruitt:
Today, we are going to begin a two-week discussion of a very special subject: poetry!

[the class groans with disinterest]

Mr. Pruitt:
Imagination is the soul of poetry, according to Samuel Taylor Coleridge. Coleridge wrote "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner", which we'll study in this class. It includes the famous line:

[with great feeling]

Mr. Pruitt:
"Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink." Any questions?

[David raises his hand]

Mr. Pruitt:
David.

David Barnes:
Can I get a drink of water?

Mr. Pruitt:
[the class laughs] There. You see? Coleridge described thirst in such a way that made David thirsty.

Valvert:
[to Cyrano with a laugh] Excuse me, dog-face, but your nose is rather large.

Wishbone:
[as Cyrano, mocking him] My nose is rather large? "Rather large," you say? Is that the best you can do? Ha ha ha ha! I do not need my sword to teach you a lesson; I have words! Let me teach you how to insult my nose, monsieur. You could have said, "Your nose is so big, you should call a doctor and have it amputated!" Or, how 'bout this: "What do ya carry around in that snout, your pens or your whole writing desk?" Ooh, how 'bout this one: "Do you love the birds so much that you let them perch on your nose?" But NO! The best *you* can come up with is, "Your nose is rather large." Well, any fool can see that my nose is rather large, but your brain is rather small!

Wishbone:
[as Rip Van Winkle, in his typical loud cheerful naive tone of child-like innocence, after the morose sailor has silently ignored several questions that Wishbone has already asked during the past minute] Do you think I ask too many questions?

Wishbone:
[as Faust] Why, I'd make a deal with the Devil himself if I could be more satisfied with my life.

Mephisto:
[suddenly appearing out of a huge cloud of smoke and flames] You wanted to make deal with me?

Wishbone:
Who are you?

Mephisto:
I am called Mephisto by my friends, but, since I'm the nastiest person in the universe, I haven't many friends. [laughs evilly]

Wishbone:
Hooo-boy. Watch out what you wish for.

Mephisto:
Faust can't go with you - he had a deal with me, and he signed in blood. I get his immortal soul for all eternity.

Care:
When a soul learns to care, even at the last minute in his life, that soul belongs in Heaven. Faust is coming with me... to Heaven.

Wishbone:
[chuckling as Faust] So long, Old Scratch!

Mephisto:
[in a tone of furious desperation, with flames starting to flicker up around him] No!

Wishbone:
[calling back over his shoulder as Care is leading him out of the room] Don't forget to write!

Mephisto:
[becoming so enraged that the flames rise up all around him in an enveloping inferno to consume him] NOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!

Wishbone:
[as Faust after he has gone to Heaven and has been re-united with his girlfriend] Gretchen, this must be Heaven - there are no cats!

Joe Talbot:
Thanks for taking care of Wishbone, Miss Gilmore.

Wanda Gilmore:
Oh, that's all right... [reaches out to gently stroke Wishbone's ear]... he's not so bad.

Wishbone:
[turning and climbing over into Wanda's lap] You know Wanda, may I call you "Wanda"?, you're not so bad yourself. I could be mistaken, but [quoting Humphrey Bogart in "Casablanca"] this could be the beginning of a bee-yuu-ti-ful friendship!

Wishbone:
[after Joe's model dinosaur skeleton is knocked down by David's robot] Extinction comes early for *one* dinosaur.

David Barnes:
Boy, you bring something to life and you really have to take responsibility for it.

Ms. Walker:
And maybe you can start *taking* that responsibility by helping clean up.

Wishbone:
[gasps and grabs a large dinosaur bone] This one's mine!

Wishbone:
Wanda, you home?

[silence]

Wishbone:
Oh, good.

[starts digging up yard]

Wishbone:
[in an announcer-type voice] Okay, let's review: we've got one robot running amok, one dog in pursuit of that robot, and two dumbstruck nature-lovers! Hey, let's continue! [runs off]

Wishbone:
[as Victor Frankenstein] You are an inhuman monster!

The Monster:
You made me this way!

Wishbone:
Hm. A secret scientific experiment. Boy, hat could be a great story for a book. Wait a minute - it already is!

Wishbone:
It's one of the greatest monster books ever. And the scariest, spine-tingliest, the flat-out spookiest - I'm rambling, sorry.

Wishbone:
What is it? How does it work? And is it edible?

Wishbone:
All these gadgets and no Off button?

Damont Jones:
[to Joe] Hey, Squirt!

Wishbone:
[lifting leg] Don't give me any ideas, Damont!

Wishbone:
Aw, don't go away mad, Damont. Just go away!

Wishbone:
[while Joe is going through his shirts] I like that one.

[Joe tosses a shirt on the bed]

Wishbone:
That's a good color.

[Joe tosses a shirt on Wishbone's head]

Wishbone:
This one smells funny.

Elizabeth Bennett:
'Tis a lovely ball, don't you agree?

Wishbone:
[as Mr. Darcy] Uh, yes... quite.

[pause]

Elizabeth Bennett:
It is your turn to speak, Mr. Darcy. I talked of the dance, and you ought to make some kind of remark about the size of the room, or the number of couples.

Wishbone:
Your sister'll dance with just about anybody, huh?

Wishbone:
[as Mr. Darcy] I know I sound really rude and arrogant, but I'm really just the nicest guy! Is this the part where you shut the door in my face?

[Elizabeth shuts the door]

Wishbone:
[muffled behind closing door] Yes, it is.

Wishbone:
Wanna run? Wanna play? Wanna watch paint dry? I'll do, anything...

Hubert Lassiter:
I guess you've noticed I talk to myself a lot.

Wishbone:
Doesn't everybody?

Wishbone:
[hearing footsteps and looking up out of the pit he's fallen into, expecting to see Joe, but instead seeing Hubert Lassiter appear at the edge of the pit] Whoa... did YOU grow old!

Hubert Lassiter:
[in a somewhat toneless irritated voice] What's the matter, pooch? Can't you read?

Wishbone:
[disgustedly] Oh, GREAT... another dog-lover! You wouldn't be related to WANDA GILMORE, would you?

Wishbone:
Ah, yes! Nothing like taking a dog for a walk on a nice brisk autumn day. Even if Wishbone has to do it himself.

Melina Finch:
Have you signed up for the scavenger hunt, yet?

Joe Talbot:
What scavenger hunt?

Travis del Rio:
Hey, if you like my Haunted Rim, you will love my scavenger hunt.

Melina Finch:
Yeah, it's the best Halloween treat in Oakdale.

Travis del Rio:
Absolutely, and the first prize will be a one hundred dollar gift certificate.

Damont Jones:
Nice shooting. Thanks for solving the riddle for me.

Sam Kepler:
Cheating takes all the fun out of it, Damont.

Damont Jones:
Yeah, well, plenty of fun with that gift certificate.

Joe Talbot:
It was the cat.

Sam Kepler:
What?

Joe Talbot:
That night. It was the cat.

Melina Finch:
Come on, you guys. Uncle Travis is waiting outside.

Sam Kepler:
Feel better, Joe?

Joe Talbot:
Now that it's over.

Joe Talbot:
It happened a long time ago. The first Halloween that my mom would let me go trick-or-treating without her. David and I went all over the neighborhood that night. Some kids talked about going to Thunder Road.

David Barnes:
I was the one who wanted to go.

Sam Kepler:
Where was I?

Wishbone:
And why don't I remember this?

David Barnes:
You were on that trip with your mom. Remember? Wishbone was still a puppy.

Wishbone:
And I was so cute.

Sam Kepler:
What happened?

Joe Talbot:
It was windy that night too, but there was lightning. It didn't seem that bad from the street, so I walked toward the house. The closer I got, the worse it looked. And the noises, I thought I couldn't do it. I finally reached to grab the doorknob and then...

Wishbone:
Ooohhh! Is is it over?

Joe Talbot:
I've never been so scared in my life.

Sam Kepler:
What makes you get there in the first place?

David Barnes:
I dared him.

Joe Talbot:
I can't go in there.

Wishbone:
[to his bone] Stay.

Wishbone:
Maybe he'd like a new collar.

Ellen Talbot:
Well, you can always get him a, tie.

Wishbone:
Same thing.

Wishbone:
[after strongman pulls out a sword, Wishbone as Odysseyus taunting] Oooh! Big man with a sword!

Wishbone:
Okay, you've just seen a tree walk across your front yard. What are the implications of this? Trees are supposed to have roots, not legs. What if trees have suddenly *sprouted* legs? What if they're all trying to walk away? I'm in big trouble if I...

[runs into Wanda pushing a transplant tree in a wheelbarrow]

Wanda Gilmore:
Ooh, Wishbone, watch out!

Wishbone:
Ah! You caught it! Good job, Wanda!

Wishbone:
Wanda, just what exactly are you doing?

Sam Kepler:
What exactly are you doing?

Wishbone:
Sam, you read my mind.

Wishbone:
Ah! The smell of fresh dirt in your snout!

Joe Talbot:
You studied Latin, didn't you, Mom?

Ellen Talbot:
Yeah, a half-a-zillion years ago in high school.

Wishbone:
You're that old?

Ellen Talbot:
I wish I remembered more of my Latin.

Wishbone:
I could get the dictionary.

Wishbone:
For your information I celebrate trees every day.

Wishbone:
Know why dogs love digging so much? We're driven to find out what's below. Every dig is an adventure.

Wishbone:
Hm, I wonder what the Latin is for "Come and get it."

[last lines]

Wishbone:
This little dog's got new treasure to find, new adventures to discover. Onward to the center of the Earth!

Joe Talbot:
I'm gonna miss you, boy.

Wishbone:
I want a postcard from you every day, young man.

Wishbone:
What's wrong with this picture? Oh, yeah: they don't know how to drive!

Wishbone:
Emily. Emily! Say something.

Emily Barnes:
Uh-ohhh.

Wishbone:
Oh, yeah. That pretty much says it all.

Wishbone:
[as David] That music comes to me from the God of Israel. The same God Who gives me the strength to say that I must at least try to save our country.

Wishbone:
[as David] Now that I can combine your faith with mine, I am ready.

Ruth Barnes:
Can he eat ice cream?

Wishbone:
Yes. Of course. Raised on the stuff.

Ellen Talbot:
No, although I wonder what *can't* he eat?

Wishbone:
[as David] That gigantic jughead is winning this war without a fight!

Joe Talbot:
Hey, wake up, sleepyhead!

Wishbone:
[drowsily] Huh? I don't wanna go to school.

[wakes up]

Wishbone:
Huh. This is not like me at all; I'm usually the first one up. Awake all night, sleeping all day... if I didn't know better, I'd think I was turning into... A CAT! Oh, no! I've got *kitty cooties*!

Wishbone:
[as Ali Baba, while bandits rapidly approach the treasure cave] Let's see... bandits all around... but I'm not a quitter. I'm not a quitter, but I *am* leaving. I am *so* leaving!

Wishbone:
[pulling Joe into the library] Come on! Come on!

Joe Talbot:
Take it easy, Wishbone!

Wishbone:
Take it easy? We're in the library! Just look at all these books, all these stories!

Ellen Talbot:
Joe, you know dogs aren't allowed in the library.

Wishbone:
Uh-huh, and they wonder why so few of us read.

Wishbone:
Wow, look at this, they have books on everything here! 'A Guide to Flowers', wow! 'The Language of Birds', cool! 'How to Photograph a Mold', ew!

Mr. Knutson:
May I help you kids find something? You look like you're searching for something.

Joe Talbot:
Well, we're doing a report on the history of rock-and-roll.

David Barnes:
Well, you've come to the right place. Here you are, 22 books. Make sure you read a book or two about blues and country music; every history has its history too.

David Barnes:
Thanks, Mr...

Mr. Knutson:
Knutson. I'm Mr. Knutson, the reference librarian.

David Barnes:
[after meeting Mr. Knutson who introduces himself as the reference librarian] Well, he seemed nice.

Wishbone:
Oh, yeah. In a nice-creepy kind of way.

Joe Talbot:
But that's weird, he can't be the reference librarian!

Sam Kepler:
Why not? He seemed to know exactly where the books were.

Joe Talbot:
Yeah, but there's only one reference librarian here, and that's my mom.

Sam Kepler:
[after searching the library for Mr. Knutson] How could that be? He just...

David Barnes:
Disappeared!

Wishbone:
Wow! The library's haunted! By a nice old man who reads a lot. Could be worse, it could be like The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux, published in 1911. It all takes place at the Grand Opera House in Paris in the 1870s. The phantom, or ghost, was a big opera fan. For years, the opera management knew about the opera ghost and they kept him happy by paying him a monthly salary and always reserving box number 5 for him. But when a new manager took over the theatre, he didn't believe the old ghost stories, so he stopped paying the money and he sold seats in the ghost's private box! As you can imagine, those people who believed in the phantom knew it was just a matter of time before he took his revenge.

Joe Talbot:
So he's back for a visit, why do you keep saying it couldn't be him?

Wishbone:
Yeah, give us one good reason!

Ellen Talbot:
Joe, Ezra Knutson is dead.

Wishbone:
...That's, a good reason.

Ellen Talbot:
His wife sent a letter to the library a couple of weeks ago, I even sent her a card myself.

Sam Kepler:
So who was the man in the library?

Ellen Talbot:
Somebody must've been playing a trick on you, and one of Mr. Knutson's index volumes was missing today too.

Ellen Talbot:
[about the man passing himself off as the dead Mr. Knutson] Must be some kind of a practical joke.

Joe Talbot:
Mom, he seemed pretty serious.

Ellen Talbot:
[finds an article] Ah! Here it is. Okay kids, have a look at the real Ezra Knutson.,

[shows a picture]

Joe Talbot:
Mom, that's him!

Ellen Talbot:
Are you sure?

[Joe nods]

Ellen Talbot:
Well, that can't be!

Sam Kepler:
Maybe it was his ghost.

David Barnes:
Come on, there's got to be some logical explanation for all this.

Wishbone:
Hm, he's not alive, but today he was very helpful.

[sarcastically]

Wishbone:
Oh, yeah, that's reasonable!

Ellen Talbot:
[entering the library] Marion said I'd see it right away, whatever it is.

[stops]

Ellen Talbot:
Oh, no!

Sam Kepler:
What's wrong?

David Barnes:
Remember I told you that volume one of the index was missing this morning? Well, now volume two is gone!

Sam Kepler:
That's Mr. Knutson's index, right?

Ellen Talbot:
That's right, and I haven't even put volumes four, five and six on the computer yet.

Ellen Talbot:
[finds two volumes have been stolen from the library] I'm glad Marion called.

Joe Talbot:
Uh, Mom? I don't think that's why she called you.

Ellen Talbot:
What do you mean?

Joe Talbot:
Look.

[hands Ellen the magazine her article was featured in]

Ellen Talbot:
[reads the big red letters scrawled on top of the article alongside her picture which has been Sed out] "Give back what you've stolen! abandon the project now!"?

Sam Kepler:
Who could've done this?

Wishbone:
Well, whoever it was, you know it wasn't a dog, 'cause we're not allowed in here!

David Barnes:
[Sam asks who could've stolen the index volumes and trashed Ellen's article] Well, whoever is it, they'll be coming back.

Ellen Talbot:
How do you know?

David Barnes:
I mean, why didn't they take all those books? That would stop your project.

Sam Kepler:
Well, they probably couldn't carry them all at once.

Joe Talbot:
So they'll be back!

Ellen Talbot:
I'm not going to let myself be intimidated by this person.

Joe Talbot:
What're you going to do?

Ellen Talbot:
Well, I guess I'll have Marion watch my desk for the rest of the day, and then when the library closes I'll guard the books, all night.

Joe Talbot:
I'll stay with you!

David Barnes:
Me too!

Sam Kepler:
And me!

Wishbone:
Count me in, I love slumber parties! Who's bringing the snacks?

Ellen Talbot:
Well, that's really nice of you kids, but...

Joe Talbot:
Mom, we're not going to leave you here all alone.

Officer Krulla:
Everybody just stay put, stay down.

[emphasizing on every word]

Officer Krulla:
We're just gonna have to wait - this - out.

Wishbone:
Why - are - you - whispering? I mean come on, this is fun! Lots of company, lots of books!

[somberly]

Wishbone:
...If only it weren't for that awful feeling we're, being watched.

Joe Talbot:
[everybody's staked out the library for the night, they hear the door rattling] Somebody's coming inside!

Officer Krulla:
Everybody get down!

Wishbone:
I'm down!

Officer Krulla:
Be quiet.

Wishbone:
I'm quiet! This is it! Here we are, about to come face-to-face with the mysterious stranger!

Wishbone:
[as Robin Hood] When did they start decorating carriages with fat men?

Little John:
Must be a new fashion.

Wishbone:
[as Robin Hood disguised as a peddler] Pots! Come and buy my pots! Nice, unsuspicious pots for sale!

Wishbone:
[as Robin Hood] Don't try to follow me, men!

Little John:
[to men] Follow him!

Principal Leonard:
No, Wishbone. You can't go to school.

Wishbone:
Wha-? No, uh... I'm a 4th-grader here, really! Hey, don't let the dog suit fool you; I'm just practicing for the school play. Hey, open up! Mark my words: someday I *will* eat lunch, in school!

Wishbone:
Y'know, every so often, even heroes need help!

Wishbone:
Why, Penny, such grace. Such poise and rhythm. It's amazing that dogs like you and me never get invited to parties.

[last lines]

Wishbone:
What - But I - Did you - A talking dog?

[first lines]

Wishbone:
Shhhhhh. Today, on Wanda's Wilderness, we study the migrating habits of yard flamingoes. The yard flamingo doesn't need a lot of space, and it's rarely been seen to fly. But it will suddenly reappear somewhere else when you least expect it. This gives the yard flamingo the reputation as the most feared bird, oooh, in the yard.

Long John Silver:
[to pirate] Get me an apple so I can wet my pipe!

Wishbone:
[as Jim Hawkins, hiding in the apple barrel] I'm an apple... I'm an apple... *please* let me be an apple...

Wishbone:
I found, a hole.

Sam Kepler:
He found a hole!

Wishbone:
Thank you.

Wishbone:
Eat your heart out, Lassie.

Wishbone:
Let's see, Sam's curious... and she's courageous... and she's a kid. Oh, yeah, that definitely spells adventure.

Wishbone:
[as Jim Hawkins of Captain Flint] An animal that talks. How remarkable.

Wishbone:
Cookies! Mmmm! Cookie! Alright cookie jar, I will now bring you to me using only the power of my mind. Ready? Come here! The Amazing Wishboni commands you!

Wishbone:
So Nathaniel's my new roommate, huh? That's great. Welcome to my room, just throw your things anywhere... [Nathaniel drops his things on the red armchair] Um, not there, though, that's my chair. Oh, hey Joe, you don't want to leave that there, at 3 o'clock the sun comes in on that spot so I'll be napping and... No no no, that thing is all wrong for this room, look at the color! It's too blue, it reminds me of water and bath time and ugh, has to go! It's not going to go, is it?

Nathaniel Bobelesky:
This is a list from my mom of everything I'm allergic to by food group. Each allergy has a code number next to it, see?

Ellen Talbot:
Oh, number's here.

Nathaniel Bobelesky:
Right, that's the number for which medicine I should take if I eat or inhale any of those things. Medicine list is on the last page. This addendum has a list of possible but unconfirmed allergies, we're waiting.

Nathaniel Bobelesky:
This addendum has a list of possible but unconfirmed allergies. We're waiting.

Ellen Talbot:
Oh, I see. Great.

Wishbone:
Boy, if you look for sickness, that may be all you find. Maybe Nathaniel needs someone to show him the power of mind over matter. He needs someone like Moliere! Moliere lived in France over 300 years ago and he was the most famous playwright of his time.

Wishbone:
[as Moliere] I am of course, Moliere, the author of the play The Imaginary Invalid. What I have written is farce, that is a comedy to illustrate a point. Speaking of points, I need someone to help me point out the characters, so I have written in my own servant, Toinette. This play concerns me as Argan, who imagines that he's sick. I need to know who really loves me: is it my doctors, Purgon and Fleurant? My second wife, and her lawyer? Or is it my brother and daughter? Let's see!

Wishbone:
[as Argan, gruffly] It's about time! I could've died twice in the time it took you to get here!

Toinette:
Master, I came running as fast as I can. When was the last time you got up and ran?

Wishbone:
It's 8:29, time for my 17th pill! Bring me some water, you fool, and take care not to spill!

Toinette:
Again, Master Argan? You just had your last.

Wishbone:
You dolt! You moron! I'm dying! Make it fast! My heart's palpitating! I've got a stitch!

Toinette:
All you've got is money; you're making poor doctors rich.

Wishbone:
Bring me my daughter!

Toinette:
Your daughter?

Wishbone:
My daughter! I mean Angelique! Go get her!

Toinette:
I'm going, you crusty antique!

Wishbone:
Oh! I shouldn't be running! Oh! If I'd caught her I'd sock her. Ouch! I need an injection, better call the doctor.

Ellen Talbot:
[reciting Nathaniel's medicines] Let's see, cough syrup, cough drops, decongestant, stomach soother, ear drops, eye drops, poison ivy lotion, elastic bandages, inhaler, and a snake-bite kit, just incase we need it.

Joe Talbot:
That's a lot of stuff.

Nathaniel Bobelesky:
Yeah, my mom likes to be ready for a disaster.

Ellen Talbot:
How about a cookie? Oh, I better check the food allergy list.

Nathaniel Bobelesky:
Are they chocolate chip?

Ellen Talbot:
Oatmeal raisin.

Nathaniel Bobelesky:
Should be safe.

Joe Talbot:
So your mom likes to be prepared, huh?

Ellen Talbot:
Well she's just very... thorough.

Nathaniel Bobelesky:
Well, they didn't know it but I had asthma when I was born, and I was really sick. Since then my mom really worries about me.

Ellen Talbot:
Well, I understand; I worry a lot too.

Joe Talbot:
You do?

Wishbone:
What about me? Does anybody worry about my health?

Ellen Talbot:
Of course I do, all parents do; we can't help it. We take care of you, and then someday you may have to take care of us.

Toinette:
Let me ask you one simple thing.

Wishbone:
[as Argan] I am, go ahead!

Toinette:
Master, I hate to bring this up but, are you REALLY sick?

Wishbone:
Am I really sick? Are you dumb, dense or thick? Look at me, Toinette! I'm as sick as a dog! My stomach's a mess and my head's in a fog! I can barely stand up, I can hardly move!

Toinette:
So nothing I say can change you or prove that you are wrong. But if you're really ill, go see a doctor and then pay the bill.

Belinda Bobelesky:
You have a dog!

Wishbone:
How observant.

Ellen Talbot:
Yes, that's Wishbone. Are you scared of dogs?

Belinda Bobelesky:
No, I love dogs. Nice doggy, good boy.

Wishbone:
Oh sure, nice doggy. You can't fool me. You're either a dog person or you're not; she's not.

Belinda Bobelesky:
But Nathaniel is allergic to dogs.

Joe Talbot:
He is?

Wishbone:
He is?

Nathaniel Bobelesky:
I am?

Belinda Bobelesky:
Yes!

Nathaniel Bobelesky:
[looks over allergy list] Mom, I don't see dogs anywhere.

Belinda Bobelesky:
What? But you are very, very, very allergic to dogs; that's why we don't have one. They make it impossible for him to breathe. The hair aggravates his sinuses and they give him hives.

Wanda Gilmore:
Oh and what about dander? You should see him scratch, great clouds of dander everywhere.

Wishbone:
A few flakes, is that a crime?

Belinda Bobelesky:
I don't know how I could've forgotten.

Wishbone:
Oh, come on, Nathaniel, you don't believe that, do you? You're not allergic to me, I'm one of those new non-allergenic dogs.

[Nathaniel sneezes]

Wishbone:
That wasn't a sneeze! He said CUTE, he thinks I'm CUTE!

[Nathaniel sneezes again]

Wishbone:
I'm not making Nathaniel sick, his mother is! Just like Argan's wife in The Imaginary Invalid.

Joe Talbot:
If only there was a way to prove to Nathaniel that some of his problems might be in his imagination.

Sam Kepler:
What're you talking about?

Joe Talbot:
He was playing with Wishbone all afternoon and he was fine. It wasn't until his mom came and told him that he was allergic to Wishbone that he started getting sick.

Wishbone:
I think it's time to convince Nathaniel that's he not as sick as he thinks he is. Although, convincing someone that they're okay isn't always easy.

Wishbone:
[as Argan] Yes, I am.

Beralde:
No, you're not.

Wishbone:
Yes, I am.

Beralde:
No, you're not! Dear brother, there is a word for what you've got; it's called health, and you've got plenty of it. All those pills you take, your doctors must love it. You're fine!

Wishbone:
No, I'm not!

Beralde:
Yes, you are!

Ellen Talbot:
Goodnight, Wishbone. It's only for one more day, boy.

Wishbone:
[locked in the study] Oh only one more day, great, nothing wrong with spending TWO days in prison, for a crime I didn't commit! I'm innocent I tell you, innocent!

Wishbone:
Back in the old bedroom, now to place the dog near the subject. Oh, Nate, how's the breathing? Sounds pretty good.

[jumps on the bed]

Wishbone:
Hey, how about now? Still good, huh? Well I'm convinced, you're not allergic to me, now it's time to prove it to you.

Wishbone:
[as Argan] In case I ever do become unwell, I'll become my own doctor. Toinette, sound the bell! It's wedding time now and this doctor prescribes lots of food, lots of dancing, and lots of good vibes!

Nathaniel Bobelesky:
[sees Wishbone] There's a dog in my bed.

Wishbone:
Yeah, well, your breath isn't so great in the morning either, pal.

Joe Talbot:
Nathaniel, listen to me, I don't know how Wishbone got out, but you slept with him all night and you feel fine!

Nathaniel Bobelesky:
I... I feel fine?

Joe Talbot:
So maybe you're a little healthier than your mom thinks you are.

Wishbone:
Ah. Look deep into my eyes, Nathaniel. You are totally under my power. Now, listen closely: feed the dog. Feeeeed the dooog. Hm. You're not hypnotized, are you? All right - looks like we'll have to do it the old-fashioned way.

[gets on his hind legs]

Wishbone:
Oh, pleee-eeeease! Please look at the cute doggie, give him some cookies. Please please please please please please pleeease!

Nathaniel Bobelesky:
[giving him one] Here ya go, Wishbone.

Wishbone:
It's cheap but it works.

Wishbone:
[as Argan] Where is my daughter? I need her right now.

Toinette:
She waits in the hall, so don't have a cow.

Wishbone:
[as Argan] Why, what's the matter, then, Angelique, sweetie? Your face isa ll pale, and your eyes are all beady. I'm the sick one here; let's keep that in mind.

Toinette:
I won't let you do it.

Wishbone:
Won't let me? My servant, you just blew it!

Wishbone:
[as Argan] I'll bite off your arms!

Wishbone:
That's probably the pizza I ordered with my psychic powers.

Wishbone:
Let's be reasonable, people. Let me put it this way: DON'T PUT ME IN THE STUDY!

Wishbone:
Think of all the things I do for you. I catch your tennis ball; I catch your Frisbee. I finish, his dinner!

Wishbone:
[unties the leash's other end from the tree but gets tangled up in the process] Ta-da! Help.

Wishbone:
Have a great time staying at *my* house. Help yourself to anything you want - the chew-toys, the kibble... anything. Really.

Beralde:
He said later, you overgrown mosquito.

Fleurant:
I can't. This appointment...

Beralde:
Is now finito.

Wishbone:
Using only the power of my brain, I will now levitate over this barrier. [grunts and jabbers] Hm. Must've put on a few pounds since the last time I did this. Oh, well. When brainpower fails you can always use your head.

Wishbone:
[after secretly jumping the gate] WHACHA! I mean, watcha.

Wishbone:
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Your applause is most welcome. But if anyone feels like throwing us some - porkchops, I don't mind.

Wishbone:
AH! I'm allergic to kids!

Wishbone:
Feed the dog. Feeeeeeed the dooooogggg.

Wishbone:
Guys, you've got sticks and a ball. You're just missing one thing: the dog.

Wishbone:
I just don't understand their fascination with wheels. I mean, hey, I play ball without wheels every day. And I am a professional.

Wishbone:
I guess people need wheels because they've gotta make due with two feet. Not four. Like some fortunate souls around here. Must be tough being a human.

Wishbone:
[of skates] Don't those things come with brakes?

Wishbone:
[as Quasimodo] Sir, I may be deaf and that may be sign language, but you have quite a stutter.

Joe Talbot:
We haven't seen Sam in five days.

David Barnes:
Six.

Wishbone:
Six-and-a-half, but who's counting?

Wishbone:
I could always send out an all-point bulletin to my canine friends. Or I could just let my trusty nose track 'em down.

Wishbone:
I haven't seen anything that timely since... since... well, since Quasimodo rescued Esmerelda.

[last lines]

Wishbone:
Hooray for Nathaniel. There's just one thing he didn't learn. [catches the ball in his mouth]

Wishbone:
You know, my cheerleading days are over. I am ready to play.

Wishbone:
What can I say? The ladies love me.

Wishbone:
Exiled once again, forced to settle for cheerleader. Well, that's what you get for being too cute.

Wishbone:
Try not to look cute and they'll leave you alone.

Wishbone:
[laboriously hauling himself up out of sight behind the hinged wall-panel] Hhuggghh! Gotta cut down on the between-meal snacks!

Wanda Gilmore:
The police say it was probably kids.

[to Joe and his friends]

Wanda Gilmore:
Do any of you know anything about this?

Ellen Talbot:
Wanda, I'm sure *these* kids had nothing to do with it.

Wanda Gilmore:
Well, I know, but they have friends.

[points at Max]

Wanda Gilmore:
I don't recognize *this* one.

Joe Talbot:
Ms. Gilmore, this is my friend Max. He's new in town and he's been with us all day.

Wanda Gilmore:
Well, Max, I apologize, but you've apparently moved in the middle of a crime wave. The police say there have been two other burglaries in the last two weeks, also, probably by kids.

Wishbone:
Oliver Twist was an orphan, which meant he was sort of like a stay, with no collar and no ID tag.

Joe Talbot:
Mom, there's something I didn't tell the police.

Ellen Talbot:
What is it?

Joe Talbot:
Remember Max? Well, he wasn't exactly with us all afternoon.

Ellen Talbot:
Joe, if Max did something wrong, you can't protect him; you have to tell the police.

Joe Talbot:
But I just don't believe he would've done it. That other kid, maybe, but not him.

Ellen Talbot:
Wait a minute. What other kid?

Joe Talbot:
Well, when me and Max were playing basketball, there was this big kid in the street today. He and gave Max this fancy pair of blades, then they left, and that's all. I didn't want to let Max go with him but I didn't know what to do. That kid acted like he was some kind of gangster or something.

Wishbone:
[about Wanda] That woman's got the heart of a dog catcher.

Wishbone:
[reading the banner] Bienvenida, Senora Julia.

Sam Kepler:
[translating] Welcome back, Senora Julia...

Wishbone:
Isn't that what I said?

Ellen Talbot:
Wanda, Senora Julia does speak English; you know that.

Wanda Gilmore:
Well, of course I do, Ellen. I just think we should take this opportunity to practice our Spanish.

Wishbone:
Oh, that's what you've been speaking.

Wishbone:
She knew me before I could talk.

Joe Talbot:
She's really a great woman.

Wanda Gilmore:
[reading from a phrase book] Una mujer grande.

Ellen Talbot:
Um, actually, Wanda, you just called Senora Julia - a large woman.

Senora Julia:
Oh, Joe, before I forget, I brought you something about Mexico.

Wishbone:
Is it enchiladas? Oh, I know - tamales! Hope she remembered the hot sauce.

Wishbone:
Hey, is that roast beef? [the man moves his back] Hey - I wasn't gonna eat it. I mean, not all of it...

Wishbone:
[to the man] OK - I'm sorry I ate your chips...

Joe Talbot:
It's no big deal. I mean, Michael could get her something just as nice.

Senora Julia:
Joe, Michael's gifts are not the same.

Joe Talbot:
Why?

Senora Julia:
Because you are Joe Talbot. You are your mother's son. And no one's love is more important to her. You've got to believe that.

Man on Bench:
My mother's 102 years old, and I still call her every day.

Senora Julia:
102 years old? Incred?ble!

Man on Bench:
Oh, yes, incredible. But, she's an incredible woman.

Man on Bench:
Take some old advice, young man. Just tell your mom how you feel about her. It's worth more than you'll ever know.

Joe Talbot:
Mother's Day is really special for me because I have three moms. I guess I'm spoiled. First, there's Senora Julia. She used to change my diapers, and that says a lot about a person. She doesn't live here anymore, but I still feel close to her. Then there's Ms. Gilmore. She lives right next door and, whatever happens, it's more fun when she's around. I'm glad she doesn't have other kids, other than me, of course. Oh, yeah. Then, there's Mom. She lives here with me, and, I love this house because, my mom is here. And she always listens to whatever I have to say, and, I love you, Mom.