Without a Paddle

Dan Mott:
Billy's dead and he still has a better chance of getting laid than I do.

Del Knox:
You boys better get dressed faster 'cause I been up here alone for almost 30 years now.

Dan Mott:
The only chance we have to survive is to huddle together for warmth...

Jerry Conlaine:
I, for one, choose death.

Jerry Conlaine:
I christen this, Duke the second!

River Guide:
Thanks for breaking glass where my kids play.

Dan Mott:
Whoa... Matrix.

Dan Mott:
Stop it! Stop it! SHUT UP! I AM DOCTOR MOTT!

Jerry Conlaine:
Well I was a boyscout, you were a boyscout too right Tom?

Tom Marshall:
No but I ate a brownie once.

Tom Marshall:
Is this Billy's funeral? Is that the corpse of Billy Newwood?

Jerry Conlaine:
Tom!

Tom Marshall:
Where'd you guys park?

Jerry Conlaine:
Come on, Dan. It's like when we'd jump off the railroad bridge into the river when we were kids. This is... higher than that...

Dan Mott:
But I never *did* jump in the river! You guys always pushed me when I wasn't looking!

Jerry Conlaine:
Come on it's cold lets go back to bed.

Tom Marshall:
Not until he puts Jabba back in his Hut!

Dan Mott:
Mmm, bacon.

Del Knox:
Squirrel.

Dan Mott:
Mmm... squirrel.

Dan Mott:
Hey guys look! A wild deer! All out in the open like that!

Tom Marshall:
He won't bother you if you're in the fetal position... Abort the fetal position!

Dan Mott:
Stop, drop, and roll!

Dan Mott:
What are you doing?

Jerry Conlaine:
Taking off my shoes

Dan Mott:
Why?

Jerry Conlaine:
Because I run faster with no shoes

Dan Mott:
You can't out-run that bear!

Jerry Conlaine:
I dont have to out-run the bear, I just have to out-run you!

Jerry Conlaine:
Wait a second. Tom, were you really employee of the month?

Tom Marshall:
No! I lied about that too!

Dan Mott:
This trip is officially over! This is finished! Let's just go home.

Tom Marshall:
I agree. That is a great idea. All we've got to do is jump up over that 100-foot waterfall, swim upstream 20 miles, get the sheriff on the phone... he liked us, I remember. And he'll send out a rescue boat. And... hey, there's a beer in the river. Cool.

Dan Mott:
Where are we?

Jerry Conlaine:
Corner of Bumf*** and You Got a Pretty Mouth.

Dan Mott:
Hey, that sounds like Creed.

Tom Marshall:
I never thought I'd be happy to hear anything that sounds like Creed.

Elwood:
How do ya like me now?

Jerry Conlaine:
I'm what neurologists call slow!

Jerry Conlaine:
When we get out of this someone's buying a round of drinks, not it.

Tom Marshall:
Not it.

Dan Mott:
Is there beer in heaven?

Jerry Conlaine:
I was thinking more the bar in town.

Denise:
Can you please be serious for 5 minutes?

Jerry Conlaine:
My record is 4 but I think I can do it.

Dan Mott:
We should just... go home!

Tom Marshall:
Yeah, that's a great idea! We'll just jump over that hundred foot waterfall, swim twenty miles upstream, get the sheriff on the phone, he liked us, I remember, and he'll send out a rescue! Hey, look, there's a beer in the water!

Dennis:
Where the hell did they get all this poop?

Dennis:

Del Knox:
Whatever it is you guy are looking for, you gotta go out there and get it right now.

Del Knox:
Not right now you idiots.

Dan Mott:
Where are we?

- Jerry Conlaine:
Corner of Bumfuck and You Got a Purty Mouth.”

Jerry Conlaine:
[to Denise] Here's the thing: the guys and I are going on a treasure hunt and I know it sounds dumb, but its something that we have to do. For Billy.

Denise:
That doesn't sound dumb at all, I completely understand.

Jerry Conlaine:
[surprised] You do?

Denise:
Just call me when you get a chance. But I... I might be out of the house, for a bit. Yeah cause my girlfriends and I, we're gonna go on a search for the Lost City of Atlantis!

Jerry Conlaine:
Let's take Billy's trip.

Tom Marshall:
I say hell yes!

Tom Marshall:
We'll shine them. It's an old Cherokee trick.

Jerry Conlaine:
Oh, I forgot. The Cherokee have been using flashlights for thousands of years.

Dan Mott:
Didn't they pioneer the D-cell battery?

Dan Mott:
I'm out.

Jerry Conlaine:
What does that mean?

Tom Marshall:
I think it means he's out. Like coming out, like he's finally admitting he's gay.

[the three boys are wearing only their boxers at night, after losing their clothes]

Dan Mott:
You know, things are as bad as they could possibly get.

[starts raining hard, Jerry and Tom look up at the rain]

Dan Mott:
I stand corrected!

[Finding themselves without their clothes and are planning to sleep in the cold night while it is raining]

Dan Mott:
The only chance we have to survive is to huddle together for warmth...

Jerry Conlaine:
I, for one, choose death.

[After Jerry had an erection while huddling with Tom and Dan for warmth]

Jerry Conlaine:
Come back to bed, you guys. I'm freezing.

Tom Marshall:
Not until he puts Jabba back in his Hut!

[Tom rudely arrives at Billy's funeral on his motorcycle]

Tom Marshall:
Is this Billy's funeral? Is that the corpse of Billy Newwood?

[Crowd gasps, Tom sees Jerry amongst group]

Tom Marshall:
That you, Jerry?

Jerry Conlaine:
Tom!

Tom Marshall:
Dan with you? Where'd you guys park?

Dan Mott:
[after Tom had offered to distract Dennis and Elwood instead of Jerry] Give 'em hell, Tommy

Tom Marshall:
[about to rappel down the tree] This hell-mart's open for business, and I'm slashing prices.

Dan Mott:
[imitating C-3PO] We are in serious trouble my friends. All data points to us being--how do you humans say it?-- completely screwed?

Dan Mott:
Yeah. You know, that is, that's a good way to say it. That pretty much sums it up.

Dan Mott:
[imitating C-3PO] As expected, Tom is drunk.

Tom Marshall:
[urging Dan to climb through a hole] Come on Dan, your the only one small enough to get through.

Jerry Conlaine:
That's what she said.

Tom Marshall:
It was like her eyes were trying to escape her head.

Tom Marshall:
I'm not an astronaut, I'm an American.

Tom Marshall:
This never leaves the cave.

Tom Marshall:
[discovering a barn full of marijuana] Great mother of ganja!

Jerry Conlaine:
You guys, check out this map. It looks like Billy left us a treasure map.

Jerry Conlaine:
Wow, this song is so uncool.

Jerry Conlaine:
No worries, no responsibilities, just living in the moment.

Del Knox:
[After finding Dan, Jerry and Tom in their boxers] Freeze you perverts!

Del Knox:
[after giving the nearly naked guys clothes] I'd get dressed faster if I were you 'cause I've been alone in this cabin for 30 years.

Del Knox:
[after scaring off Dennis and Elwood] When you peckawoods get your diapers cleaned come back! I'll be waiting!

River Guide:
[While talking to Jerry, Dan and Tom about renting the canoe] There's a transmitter in the canoe. So just in case you three go missing, at least we'll get our boat back.

Elwood:
[After cutting off a fish's head with a hatchet] How you like me now? Huh? How you like me now, fishy? Oh, yeah, that's right you can't talk, cause you don't have a head and I cut it off!

Dennis:
[hearing "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me" being sung] The hills have gone gay.

Dennis and Elwood:
[singing] Yes we really want to hurt you. Yes we really want to make you cry. Yes we really want to shoot you. Yes we really want to make you die.