Yellow Submarine

Old Fred:
Oh! Frankenstein!

Ringo:
Yeah, I used to go out with his sister.

Old Fred:
His sister?

Ringo:
Yeah, Phyllis.

Jeremy Hillary Boob, PhD.:
If I spoke prose you'd all find out / I don't know what I talk about.

Paul:
Senile delinquents.

Old Fred:
Now whatever you do, don't touch that button!

Ringo:
Which button?

Old Fred:
That button.

Ringo:
This button?

Ringo:
Aaaahhhhh!

Old Fred:
That was the panic button.

John:
It appears to be a group of fellas.

Paul:
Look, it's a school of whales.

Ringo:
They look a little bit old for school.

Paul:
University then.

Ringo:
University of whales.

John:
They look like drop-outs to me.

John:
Break the glass.

George:
We can't!

Paul:
It's Beatle-proof.

John:
Nothing is Beatle-proof!

Ringo:
Look, it's Father Christmas!

Paul:
That's not Father Christmas, that's Father Time.

Ringo:
How'd you know that?

Paul:
Well, I read it in a book.

John:
It's blue glass.

George:
Must be from Kentucky, then.

Ringo:
I've got a hole in my pocket.

Chief Meanie:
Pepperland is a tickle of joy on the blue belly of the universe. It must be scratched. Right, Max?

Max:
Yes, Your Blueness.

Chief Meanie:
WHAT? We Meanies only take "no" for an answer! Is that understood, Max?

Max:
No, Your Blueness!

Chief Meanie:
That's better.

Chief Meanie:
A thing of beauty; destroy it forever!

Old Fred:
Help! Help! Help!

Ringo:
No thanks, don't need any.

Old Fred:
Won't you please, please help me!

Ringo:
Hey, I wonder what'll happen if I pull this lever.

Old Fred:
Oh, you mustn't do that now.

Ringo:
Can't help it. I'm a born lever-puller.

John:
Hey Ringo, I just had the strangest dream.

Ringo:
I warned you not to eat on an empty stomach.

Jeremy:
Ad hoc, ad loc, and quid pro quo! So little time! So much to know!

Jeremy:
These are the footnotes for my nineteenth book. This is my standard procedure for doing it. And while I compose it, I'm also reviewing it!

John:
...Were your notices good?

Jeremy:
It's my policy never to read my reviews.

Chief Blue Meanie:
It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where can we go?

Max:
Argentina?

George:
Hey! There's a Cyclops!

Paul:
Can't be. It's got two eyes.

John:
Must be a "bi-cyclops" then.

Ringo:
There's another one.

John:
A whole "'cyclopedia"!

Old Fred:
All right then. Let's get this vessel shipshape.

Ringo:
I kind of like it the way it is. Submarine shape.

George:
Yes, dey do look very nice, don't dey?

Ringo:
Yes, dey do.

John:
Dey do dough, don't dey?

George:
Yes, dey do.

Ringo:
Don't dey, dough?

George:
Dough?

John:
Fa-la. Dat dough!

Ringo:
Oh, your story has touched me heart. Jump in. We'll get me friends.

Old Fred:
Oh, bless you.

Ringo:
Did I sneeze?

Paul:
And do you speak English?

Jeremy:
Old English, Middle, a dialect pure.

George:
Well, do you speak English?

Jeremy:
You know I'm not sure.

Ringo:
He's so smart he doesn't even remember what he knows!

Chief Blue Meanie:
Hee, hee hee hee hee! Oh, I haven't laughed so much since Pompeii.

Ringo:
Hey, would you believe me if I told you I was being followed by a yellow submarine?

Ringo:
Oh, yeah, didn't think you would. I could've sworn I saw a yellow submarine. But that's not logic now. Is it? It must've been one of them "Unidentified Flying Cupcakes". Or a figment of me imagination. But I don't have an imagination.

Paul:
What's the matter, John Love? Blue Meanies.

John Lennon:
Newer and bluer Meanies have been sighted in the vicinity of this theatre. There's only one way we can go out!

George:
How's that?

John Lennon:
Singing!

Ringo:
Liverpool can be a lonely place on a Saturday night, and this is only Thursday morning.

Paul:
Say, Ringo, you're not half the lad you used to be.

John:
This place reminds me of Blackburn, Lancashire.

Old Fred:
You've got to steer clear.

Ringo:
Steer clear?

Old Fred:
Yes, steer. Clear?

Ringo:
Yes, dear.

Old Fred:
"H" for "Hurry," "E" for "'Ergent,'" "L" for "Love me," and "P" for "P-P-P-Please help!"

George:
It's all in the mind.

George:
Hey, it's seen us! Find the boxing button!

Paul:
Whoever heard of a "boxing button"?

John:
Who cares! Find one!

Old Fred:
A quartet?

Old Fred:
Another quartet?

Old Fred:
What, that little thing?

John:
I am the ego man. Goo goo goo joob!

George:
He looks wrong.

Paul:
He doesn't look at all well.

George:
In fact, he's horrible.

John:
He's so ugly.

Old Fred:
What do you think?

George:
I think I burnt me finger.

Ringo:
Oh! Your story has touched me heart. Jump in. We'll get me friends.

Old Fred:
Oh, bless you!

Ringo:
Did I sneeze?

[They drive the car across the hallway]

Old Fred:
Just park it here.

Ringo:
I'll just park it here.

[In a room full of trophies]

Old Fred:
Hey, what would your friends be doing here?

Ringo:
Displaying.

Old Fred:
Displaying what?

Ringo:
Displaying around.

Old Fred:
Well, lads, what do you think?

John:
Well, I think that-

Old Fred:
Remember, there'll be rough seas ahead! What do you think?

Paul:
Well, erm-

Old Fred:
Pounding, overwhelming waves! What do you think of that, eh?

George:
Well, I think that-

Ringo:
As a matter of fact, I-

All:
Well, I think-

Old Fred:
Well?

All:
I've forgotten.

Old Fred:
I don't mean to alarm you, mates, but the years are going backwards!

George:
What's that mean, Old Fred?

Old Fred:
It means if we slip back in time at this rate, very soon we'll all disappear up our own existence!

John:
Hey, Jeremy, must you always talk in rhyme?

Jeremy: Ha-ha! If I spoke prose, you'd all find out I don't know what I talk about!

George:
A Boob for all seasons.

Paul:
How can he lose?

John:
Were your notices good?

Jeremy:
It's my policy never to read my reviews!

Ringo:
Hey. I wonder what would happen if I pull this lever.

Old Fred:
You mustn't do that!

Ringo:
Can't help it, I'm a born Lever-puller. "Lever-puller" is a pun on "Liverpooler", as Ringo and indeed all the Beatles are. (The usual term for people from Liverpool, England is "Liverpudlian".)

George:
John!

John:
George?

George:
How do we get them out?

John:
Break the glass.

Ringo:
We can't, it's Beatle-proof.

John:
Nothing is Beatle-proof.

Big Blue Meanie:
Pepperland is a tickle of joy upon the blue belly of the universe...it must be scratched. Right, Max?

Max:
[saluting] Yes, Your Blueness!

Big Blue Meanie:
WHAT?! [he grabs Max by his ears] We Meanies only take NO for an answer! Is that understood, Max?!

Max:
No, Your Blueness!

Big Blue Meanie:
That's better. Are the troops in readiness?

Max:
No, Your Blueness!

Big Blue Meanie:
The Bonkers?

Max:
No!

Big Blue Meanie:
Clowns?

Max:
No!

Big Blue Meanie:
Snapping Turks?

Max:
No!

Big Blue Meanie:
Anti-Music Missile?

Max:
No!

Big Blue Meanie:
The Dreadful Flying Glove?

Max:
No!

Big Blue Meanie:
Splendid! Today, Pepperland goes blue-y! FIRE!

[Anti-Music Missile is fired, encasing Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band in a glass ball, General panic ensues]

George:
Is that the motor?

Fred:
Can't you tell one when you see one?

George:
Course I can, let me peruse it.

[George pokes the motor and electrocutes himself]

Fred:
Well, what do you think?

George:
I think I burnt me finger...

[In the Sea of Holes]

John:
This place reminds me of Blackburn, Lancashire.

Paul:
Oh boy... A reference to their song, A Day in the Life

[Passing themselves as they go backwards in time]

Ringo:
Look, there's another yellow submarine ...and they're waving at us!

John:
Wave back!

Jeremy: Medic, pedic, zed oblique, Orphic, morphic, dorphic, Greek. Ad hoc, ad loc and quid pro quo, So little time, ha-ha, so much to know!

John:
Well, can you tell us where we're at?

Jeremy:
A true Socratic query, that!

John:
Oh yeah? And who the Billy Shears are you?

Jeremy:
Who? Ah, who indeed am I? [hands out several business card to the Beatles]

John:
'Jeremy?'

Paul:
'Hillary?'

George:
'Boob?'

Ringo:
'P'hhhhhhd.'

All:
Who?

Jeremy: Eminent physicist, polyglot, classicist, Prize-winning botanist, hard-biting satirist, Talented pianist. Good dentist too. Ha-ha!

George:
Lousy poet.

Jeremy:
Critic's voice, take your choice.

John:
What day is it?

Ringo:
Sitarday.

John:
George'll be here, then...

Ringo Starr:
I'd jump into the river Mersey, but it looks like rain. [Sighs] Nothing ever happens to me.

Ringo Starr:
Be pacific.

Ringo Starr:
I warned you not to eat on an empty stomach.

Ringo Starr:
I want me mum!

Ringo Starr:
[regarding Jeremy] He's so smart, he can't remember everything he knows.

Chief Blue Meanie:
Go, Glove! Point, and having pointed, POUNCE!

Chief Blue Meanie:
What, what, what! The Glove's losing his touch!

Chief Blue Meanie:
Ah, here you are, my glovey-dovey. Go get thee hence, and destroy yon upstarts. Smash them, squash them, crush them! O-BLUE-TERATE THEM!

Jeremy Hillary Boob , Ph.D, The Nowhere Man: Yes! Ah, "yes" is a word with a glorious ring! A true universal, euphonious thing! Engenders embracing and chasing of blues! The very best word for the whole world to use!

John Lennon:
[After transforming from a Frankenstein's monster] Hey Ringo, I've just had the strangest dream.

John Lennon:
It's time for time. [raises eyebrows repetitively]

Ringo Starr:
"H" is for hurry! "E" is for ergent! "L" is for love me! "P" is for please!

Chief Blue Meanie:
Glove, Glove, come here, Glove. Look out there, and what do you see? Tell him, Max. [Max: Someone running, Glove.] Yes. Well, you'll soon put a stop to that, won't you, Glovey? Go, Glove! Point, and having pointed, POUNCE! GO!

Chief Blue Meanie:
My dear friend... let us not forget that heaven is blue... TOMORROW THE WORLD!!! BRING IN MY BLOOPERS...