Yes Man

Carl Allen:
No. No means no!

Carl Allen:
Hey Carl, do you wanna give all your money away to some homeless guy? Yes, yes I do. How 'bout letting him burn up your phone battery so that you can't call triple A when your car runs out of gas? You know what? That sounds like a f***in' great idea! Why don't you take a late night stroll through the hills and get killed by the Manson family? Don't mind if I do!

Carl Allen:
"Yes always leads to something good." "Never avoid opportunities. They may come in any form."

Carl Allen:
Oh come on! You're already half-way through. Just snap it off, already!

Carl Allen:
Hey, I'm just saying "yes" to life - 'cause - you gotta say "yes" to life. I'm in a secret conevant! ... that sounded naughty!

Carl Allen:
I got blisters on my fingers!

Carl Allen:
You ever had a Red Bull? I've never had a Red Bull before, but I had a Red Bull last night - I really like Red Bull.

Carl Allen:
She's spontaneous. She's ballsy. She has no clue what she's doing and she doesn't care. She's the complete opposite of me.

Carl Allen:
Well, its been a nice run. I might get sh*t-canned norm. Anyway, don't worry about it - I'm sure it will lead to something good.

Carl Allen:
Not possible!

Carl Allen:
Terrence, Don't freak out...

Carl Allen:
The old Carl didn't think he was enough for anybody. I thought if I said yes to things, and got involved with people, then sooner or later they'd find out I'm not enough. I didn't think I had anything to share. But now I know that what I have to share is pretty huge, and I want to share it with you.

Carl Allen:
Okay, maybe's fine. I like maybe.

Allison:
Don't call me past 11pm, it won't happen again. Happened once, it happened twice, it happened three times, maybe four times, maybe five times, maybe, maybe it happened six times, but it won't happen seven times. I'm not your late night booty call. Don't call me past 11 PM, it won't happen again. You can call me at 10:59 but don't call me at 11 - cause that's my rule now.

Allison:
I can't put my finger on you. You're unpredictable. Kind of mysterious.

Allison:
I know our music isn't that mainstream - I love doing it. It's like my photography. I know there isn't that much demand for blurry photographs taken while running - but ... you know, who cares? The world's a playground! You know that when you are a kid, but somewhere along the way everyone forgets it.

Allison:
How do I know if anything you did was because you wanted to or because you were following some goddamn program?

Terrence Bundley:
Life! We are all living it - or are we?

Terrence Bundley:
The word is Yes, say it a million times, say it a million more times and the word you'd've said two-million times is [the audience] YES!

Terrence Bundley:
Okay, If the molehill won't come to Terrence … then Terrence will come to the molehill.

Terrence Bundley:
You're dead, Carl. You say "no" to life and therefore, you're not living. You make up excuses to the people around you and to yourself. You're stuck in the same dead-end job you've had for years. You don't have a girlfriend. You don't have anything close to a girlfriend. And you lost the love of your life because she couldn't be with someone who didn't live theirs. And on most nights you're so bored and filled with ennui, you can't even summon the enthusiasm necessary to masturbate. Am I right, Carl?

Yes!" literature:
Yes is the new no! Start learning to say yes to life today!

Yes!" literature:
Yes to adventure.

Yes!" literature:
Yes to victory.

Nick:
Carl! Hey! Long time no see!

Carl:
Nick Lane? Hey!

Nick:
You don't still work at the bank, do you?

Carl:
Yeah. Kinda alone sitting outside here, eating my lunch, wearing the name tag.

Nick:
Huh, you must be running this place by now.

Carl:
I could have. I had a couple of offers. Didn't wanna get tied down.

Nick:
How's Stephanie?

Carl:
Good God! She... she's good! What have you been doing?

Nick:
Oh, I've been all over the map, man. I've lived! I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. I ate bat in Laos. Shot a cow with a bazooka... I'm not proud of that last one. But I did it, man!

Carl:
Wow, sounds wild!

Nick:
Wanna know my secret? (takes a pamphlet from outside his coat) I'm a "Yes!" man! The word "yes" has changed my life. Here.

Carl:
No thanks, I'm fine.

Nick:
Fine, I wet my ass with fine!

Carl:
Wow, OK.

Nick:
You don't wanna work here, Carl. (while stuffing the pamphlet inside Carl's jacket)

Carl:
Yeah I do.

Nick:
No you don't. (gets a rock out of his pocket and moves close to Carl) Why don't you take this rock, throw it at that bank and shatter the window?

Carl:
(uncomfortably) No thanks.

Nick:
Then ask me it I want to.

Carl:
Do you wanna throw that rock at the bank?

Nick:
Yes! [Nick throws the rock and shatters the bank window, setting off the alarm]

Carl:
What, are you nuts?

Nick:
Go to the seminar, Carl! [Nick runs away, pushing Carl aside, and is stopped by the security men]

Nick:
Carl, live your life! You won't regret it!

Allison [seeing Carl at bar, after her performance]:
Hey! Out of gas "make out" guy!

Carl:
Did we make out? Oh right we did. Now I remember!

Allison:
What are you doing here?

Carl:
Is this crazy or what?

Allison:
It's so crazy. Are you stalking me?

Carl:
No, I would never do that. Oh by the way, your new furniture - looks great from the yard.

Peter:
(angrily) You know what, buddy? You missed my engagement party tonight.

Carl:
Oh no. Oh shoot, you're kidding? That was tonight?

Peter:
Mm-hm.

Carl:
I'm so sorry, man, I totally gapped it! Listen, I'll make it up to you, I promise! I swear, you pick the day, any day you want, we'll go out, we'll swashbuckle!

Peter:
What does that even mean?

Carl:
I don't know.

Peter:
This wasn't just drinks at a bar, Carl! This was MY engagement party! You only get married once.

Carl:
(uncomfortably) Well, I certainly wouldn't do it again. (he's been divorced from his wife for three years.)

Peter:
: (annoyed) I know Carl, I know that Stephanie left you and you bitched because of it, but this isn't about you. This is about me! When's the last time you did anything fun? You're always making excuses, "I don't want to commit, I don't wanna get tied down!" I mean, do you even know my fiancee's last name?

Carl:
Yeah! It's Fisher, Fishman. Wait.. Fish-wall...

Peter:
Fishwall? You think her name is Lucy... Fishwall?

Carl:
No. It's wrong.

Peter:
It's Burns!

Carl:
Burns?

Peter:
It's Lucy Burns, Carl. And guess what? She doesn't like my best friend. And I keep trying to think of reasons why she should, but you know what? I can't think any. (starts to leave)

Carl:
Pete, I...

Peter:
I don't wanna hear another excuse, Carl! Jesus! You do whatever you want! I'm just telling you, if you don't change your life, (exits downstairs) you're gonna end up a LONELY guy, Carl! A LOOOOOOOONELY GUY! [Carl dejectedly shuts the door]

[Allison and Carl are skeet shooting]

Allison:
[preparing to shoot] So what do I do? I just - [discharges the shotgun, sending some turf flying and making everyone jump in fright]

Instructor:
[steppng in] Whoa, whoa, whoa. [raises the gun to her shoulder] Here you go.

Allison:
[Taking aim] Okay, uh, pull? [skeet is launched and she shoots it] I got it! I got it!

[She swings round, still holding the shotgun. Everyone dives to the floor in fright]

Allison:
[oblivious] Can I do it again? Can I do it again? What's wrong?

Allison:
I dated this guy and I was astounded at how perfectly content he was just living his life in this closed-off little box.

Carl:
I know, its so frustrating! just want to grab these people and shake them. Say "Wake up you - you're missing out - on a little thing called Life!"

Allison:
That's so true.

[Carl and Lucy are working on Lucy's bridal shower]

Carl:
[finding something in a catalogue] What's this? "Bridal Bingo?" How do you play "Bridal Bingo?"

Supervisor:
It's the same as regular bingo, but you just yell embarrassing facts about the bride.

Carl:
Yeah...

Lucy:
No, I'm not doing bridal bingo.

Carl:
Come on

Lucy:
No, I don't want anything complicated.

Carl:
[squeezing his fist] You gotta squeeze every drop of juice out of this experience. And it doesn't sound complicated. Is it complicated?

Supervisor:
[unhappily] Are you going to ask a lot more question? I don't got all day. [wanders somewhere, muttering sadly in Korean]

Lucy:
Maybe we should just go somewhere else.

Carl:
No, it's okay, I'll talk to her.

[he approaches the supervisor]

Carl:
[in Korean] Miss... Is there something wrong?

Supervisor:
[looking up in surprise and responding in Korean] Yes. There is something wrong. Here I am... Sitting here all day long, watching others getting engaged and married over and over again. It's just not fair! How about me? How about Soo-Mi? When will my time come?

Carl:
[In Korean] Ahh, I hear you. Soon, your time is gonna come. [Lucy looks dumbfounded] Do you see the lady who came with me? [Soo-Mi looks over at her] She's my best friend's fiancee... And she reaaaally hates my guts [Soo-Mi laughs at this remark] You'd really be hooking me up if you helped make this fun for her. Let's get on the same team here. [she smiles] What do you say, Soo-Mi?

Soo-Mi:
[in English] Okay.

Carl:
[In Korean] Let's go! [she repeats this]

Soo-Mi:
[to Lucy] Okay, Bridal Bingo, very simple! Okay, I can explain to you in more detail if you want.

Jumper:
Who you, man? Don't try anything, I'm going to kill myself so don't try to stop me.

Carl:
Uh, okay...

Jumper:
What you mean "okay"?

Carl:
No, I don't mean "okay" - I just - give me a second. Uh, I should say something to you here.... Um, don't really know what it is.

Jumper:
Man, you terrible at this, are you even a cop?

Carl:
Hold on a second - I'm thinking! Wait! I got it.

Jumper:
Where you going man? My man - hello?

Carl:
Don't do it! I'm coming - "patience is a virtue."

Jumper:
What the hell you doing in there?

Carl:
[playing guitar and singing "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind]: I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend.You could cut ties with all the lies that youve been living in,And if you would never want to see me againI would understandI would understand. ... [Forgets lyrics] um, what is it?

Jumper [singing] :
The angry boy a bit too insaneIcing over a secret pain.You know you dont belong!

Carl:
Everyone I know has got a reasonTo say... [crowd joins in] put the past away!

Allison:
I've known that I like you for a while, but just now I decided that I love you. Do you love me?

Carl:
Definitely. I love you like - I can't believe it. It's kind of ridiculous.

Carl:
I need you to remove the covenant.

Terrence:
There is no covenant, there never was, I was just riffing.

Carl:
Riffing?

Terrence:
Well, I had to say something - you were being difficult, embarrassing me in front of my crowd.

Carl:
So that little "Yes" thing is all bullshit?

Terrence:
No - you just don't know how to use it, that's all.

Carl:
Yeah I do - say "yes" to everything - real tough to grasp.

Terrence [exasperated]:
No, that's not the point. Well, maybe at first it is, but that's just to open you up to it - to get you started. Then you're saying yes not because you have to, not because a covenant tells you to, but because you know in your heart that you want to.

Carl:
Yah. You're right. That makes perfect sense.

[Carl is informing Norm that he is being laid off]

Norman:
[dressed like Leondias from 300] WE! ARE! SPARTA!

Carl:
Hi Norm...

[scene cuts to Norm weeping on Carl's shoulder, which can put in place that he didn't take the news very well]

Norman:
Got tons of it at Costco. You see, I've got an exclusive membership card. And with that card, I get access to the whole place. I can buy large quantities of anything at discount prices.

Allison:
Can't anyone get one of those cards?

Norman:
No, don't think so. But I can talk to someone, if you'd like.

Carl:
Yeah, put in a good word for us. That would be great.

Carl:
Even if I had met you, I would have never asked you out. You were the complete opposite of me. You did things and had friends and sang in rock bands and made life happen. You weren't scared of anything.

Allison:
You don't think I'm scared of anything? Who do you think I am? I'm scared of a lot of things.

Carl:
And I'm scared too. So let's be scared together.

Allison:
I don't know what you want me to say.

Carl:
So just say yes - but only if you really want to. And can you do it fairly soon? I'm starting to get a chill.

Terrence:
YES! Say it a million times. Say it a million more times. And the word you will have said two million times is...

Crowd [nude because they've donated their clothes to charity]:
YES!

Terrence [seeing them all nude]:
Good God.