You Might Be a Redneck If.../Check Your Neck

Jeff Foxworthy:
I was talking to a guy last night who thought "loading the dishwasher" meant getting his wife drunk.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
We went to visit my mom a few weeks ago. My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said "mom, uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."

[about his wife's inability to read a map]

Jeff Foxworthy:
I don't why this is. My wife is the smartest person I know. You give her a map, it's like kryptonite to Superman.

[on a cross-country trip with his wife]

Jeff Foxworthy:
What do we do, hon? We've got to do something. Quick, what do we do?

Jeff Foxworthy:
[as his wife] "Okay, okay. Take the blue road out of Phoenix, go up a tiny bit and turn down."

Jeff Foxworthy:
[pained] Oh, what does an aneurysm feel like?

Jeff Foxworthy:
Your parents can always embarrass you. Especially the way they dress. See, 'cause I have a theory. I think your parents are riding along on the fashion train, and one day they go "that's it, I ain't going any farther."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
True story: last year, I'm in the grocery store with my dad. He is wearing a pair of platform-heeled dingo boots, wide flair-legged Levis that only miss the floor by ten or twelve inches,

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
and an "over 40 and feeling foxy" t-shirt. I'm liking "dad, people are staring at you." And he goes "Well, son, there's something about a dingo man."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
There is nothing worse than people who have ugly kids and don't know it.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
They're always the first ones to whip those pictures on you at work, too. You're like...

[pantomimes taking a picture and recoiling in horror]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Sh*t!

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
I ain't had coffee yet! Don't ever do that again. What is this?

[laughter]